Why Riding Dirt Bikes Now Will Only Help You in the Oncoming Apocalypse

We live in uncertain times. Seems like every week, a different sect of doomdayers are pining from their bunker that this is the end. And every week, it seems like they might be right. But fear not, noble rider, because you are equipped with a very special set of skills that Liam Neeson could only dream about. You have unwittingly designed your life around escaping even the most nuclear and zombie-ridden apocalyptic event. Let’s break it down…

1. Tuff

For the most part, dirt bike riders are tough. Sure there are those who never grow out of the mini kid phase of laying in the middle of a hot track after a minor tip-over just for a taste of daddy's attention, but by and large, motocross racers have to deal in some pretty gritty situations. Broken bones, concussions and body blows that even prime time Mike Tyson couldn't deliver. That lifestyle is going to go far with an imminent societal collapse and potential zombie outbreak. Moto is like a strict dad – very tough and sometimes you hate it, but it’s all to prepare you to be ruthless alpha male ninja when the power grid goes down and the world devolves into chaos.

2. Great getaway vehicle

Few items will serve you better when a hoard of zombie Karens is trying to kill you than a dirt bike. Didn’t you see the movie XXX? What did Vin Diesel find every time he needed to getaway the Russian dudes? That’s right, a trusty Husqvarna TC250. Just saddle up that pony and go for a ride, get in some can-cans and kick zombies in the face while you’re doing it. What would the average civilian do if they found that bike? Slip the clutch, stall it, and plop over, essentially serving themselves up on a platter. Regular people with dirt bikes is like a 17 year old try to drink – one way or the other, they’ll end up on the ground, terrified, covered in vomit and/or fecal matter.

(As his school explodes, little Johnny scores his first W in FortNite between practice motos)

3. Homeschool

What is one of the first aspects of society to breakdown in an apocalyptic disaster? Education. Luckily, 90% of moto kids have not been in a classroom since they won a moto in the 50 class. Homeschool for most kids consists of playing video games and drinking protein shakes, but if anything that should only help. While the rest of the world is busy getting dumber, we will all be about the same and prepped to blow zombies’ heads off once we find the shotgun hidden on this level. Thankfully for us, most moto parents are horrifically short-sighted.

(Do you see the double? If so, keep reading)

4. Geographic perspective

How many times have you been on a bridge on the highway and seen the two huge mounds at either side in the middle and thought “I could double that”? You know who can’t even fathom doubling that? Everyone else. As soon as the bridges go down (and trust me, they’re going down), you’ll be the one tossing whips for the kids over that gap, as the kids are getting their faces ripped off by the mob of cannibalistic raiders that’s coming through.