BROto Salute to Quads

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We all knew it was coming. It had to happen. And now, I bring you, the BROto Salute to Quads. I definitely subscribe to the belief that we all have a certain amount of hate brewing on the dark side of our soul. If it wasn’t for quads, who the hell knows where I would serve up the bulk of that hate cocktail? I would probably go all Metal Mulisha and become a Neo-Nazi supporter or something. It would get ugly, bet on that.

Ah, what it must have been like to be around when that first fucking guy decided to replace his steering wheel with a set of handlebars and call it an All-Terrain Vehicle. Now I don’t personally know anyone that races quads, so I have a couple questions to any of you that may come across this: Why do you put yourself through that kind of torture? What the hell are you thinking? You must have some honest-to-God real self-loathing issues, my friend. Like, let’s spend more money on something that is more dangerous, less fun, and probably on the same redneck level as NASCAR. I mean they were a featured event in the Great Outdoor games, last I checked. Not to mention they absolutely destroy every track they touch. Seriously, hate is a really strong word, one that I don’t personally like to use a lot outside the realm of BROtocross (as hard as that may be to believe). But as everyone who knows me has heard many, MANY times, I hate quads. They are just a permanent hazard. The things I have said to quad riders when passing them on the track would give a nun a coronary. Even little kid quads.

Listen, I’m sure that people who ride them are nice enough, but once they are out on that track, bulldozing any and all lines they can find like it’s a game of Asteroids, I start to wish that I had Chuck Norris on call to roundhouse those assholes. And what is up with that thumb throttle bullshit? Can you think of a dumber way to propel your vehicle? It is also 100% impossible to look good riding a quad. Absolutely zero style ability whatsoever. No matter what. I’ve seen the best the quad world has to offer and am still thoroughly unimpressed. Ever seen someone try to whip a quad? Imagine a kid with downs syndrome trying to do the Heisman pose and you’ve got a pretty solid idea of it. And through all of this, quad racers are still reading and saying “I don’t see what the problem is.” That’s why they do it in the first place, because they see thumb throttles, butt whips, and blue-grooved corners and get all tight in their trousers. Honestly there is so much more to say, but I don’t think that the quad riders out there can handle reading more than a couple of paragraphs at a time, so I’m going to put a pin in this one for now. So thank you, quad riders, for nothing. You suck. It ruins my day to see you. Cut that thing in half and get two retarded dirtbikes out of it, then go ahead and cut yourself, dickmitten.

Side note: Ok, I am going to correct myself here. The ONLY good thing to have come out of the world of quads is the ATV Offroad Fury franchise for PS2. That is it!