So last night, I heard all the awesome details about the guy in Florida who literally ate a man’s face off [warning: These photos are gnarly], while the apparently edible man was still alive (like a boss). People down in Florida have allegedly been using a new form of LSD or something that makes them hallucinate and not give a fuck about it. This face eating dude had to get shot like six times before he hit the ground. So now it’s zombie o’clock and everyone is prepping for the inevitable when people tripping balls on bad LSD knock on their door to eat their face. But that won’t be you, because you race moto. You have unwittingly garnered a valuable set of skills that were designed to get you out of exactly this type of situation. Let’s break it down:
- You aren’t a pussy – I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, everyone who does not race moto is a huge bitch. Look at every professional athlete in the “conventional” sports; Bruised ankle? Done. Broken finger? Done. Hangnail? Done. Yeah that was probably cool sitting on the couch and collecting millions of dollars, but that lifestyle is not going to go far with the zombies. Moto is like a strict dad – very tough on us and we hate it sometimes, but it’s all to prepare us to be ruthless alpha male ninjas later in life.
- Great getaway vehicle – Few items will serve you better when someone is trying to kill you than an MX bike. Didn’t you see the movie XXX? What did Vin Diesel find every time he was getting chased by the Russian dudes? That’s right, a Husqvarna TC250 or CR250 or whatever the fuck they make. Just saddle up that pony and go for a ride, get in some can-cans and kick snipers in the face while you’re doing it. But the average civilian can’t do much with a motorcycle, they don’t know how to handle it. They’d be all over the place, crashing into shit and being very inefficient about the whole matter. It’s like watching a 17 year old try to drink – one way or the other, the kid is ending up on the ground in about an hour.
- Homeschool – What is one of the first aspects of society to breakdown in an epic zombie disaster? The educational system. Lucky for us, 90% of moto kids have not been to school since they won a moto in the 50 class. Homeschool for most kids consists of playing video games and drinking protein shakes, but if anything that should only help. While the rest of the world is busy getting dumber, we will all be about the same and prepped to blow zombies’ heads off once we find the shotgun hidden on this level. Thanks, awesomely short-sighted parents!
- Perspective – How many times have you been on a bridge on the highway and seen the two huge mounds at either side in the middle and thought “I could double that”? You know who can’t double that? Everyone else. As soon as the bridges go down (and trust me, they’re going down), you’ll be the one tossing whips for the kids over that gap, as the kids are getting their faces ripped off.
- You’re a savage – This might be suspiciously similar to the first bullet point, but I didn’t want to squeeze all of it into one, so here we are. Moto BROs are sick, like in the head. It’s a condition known as not giving a fuck. What do you do when a zombie comes at you to eat your face? Eat his face. Eat it with barbeque sauce. Then bang his zombie girlfriend. All because you are an animal.