Tag Archives: thunder valley

Rating The Racer X Fan Of The Week

Racer X FOTWFile Under: She’s not even getting paid to look like a slut. Listen toots, if you’re going to dress like that, take a lesson from promo sluts, strippers, and hookers; at least get paid for wearing nothing.

Hair: Nothing impressive here (get it….it’s a pun you retards). Exactly what you’d expect from a slut. Little effort cause all the hair is for is pulling when she’s fucking her way to the top on top.

 The Goods: I’m no MD but those perky little fakes are really closing the gap to your chin. Which is good because it makes your giraffe neck look just a bit smaller. Also, do something about your knees. That shit is gross. Spend less time on them. And don’t think I don’t notice those rolls on your side.

 Attire: Or lack there of. Lets just say from firsthand experience this shit is not comfortable (I may or may not have won first prize as Katy Perry on Halloween). Bitch you are literally naked. No joke I can see everything, even your camel toe. That makes me think you’re a slut. Which in turn gives me full right to expect anal 20 minutes after meeting you.

 Misc: The flat brim tells me you’re from somewhere around SoCal which makes me think the sunglasses are probably hiding a sweet black eye. See what happens when you make the wrong sandwich?

 Final Rating: 2/2 ’cause I love sluts. Let’s mix up a batch of rufi-coolatas, I don’t wanna remember this either.

(Editor’s note: I was really looking forward to this week once I saw the photo. If you made it this far, you share in my disappointment. Marco BROlo is on thin ice right now. If you are going to submit your write up late, it better be an inspired piece of literature.Eazy)

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Thunder Valley For Assholes: 250 Breakdown

Bagget_ThunderValley_Swan

Photo cred: Ryne Swangerg @vurbswanny

Moto 1

Pre-race: This race was on hold for about an hour due to wind and lightning, which is bullshit. I mean, if I’m not backhanding death in the face every time I get on the track, I don’t get on the fucking track.

Holeshot: Barcia is stacking holeshots these days. He’s from New York so he’s used to slick tracks and, since he’s not dead yet, avoiding people who are horrendously inept at operating motor vehicles, so he’s in good shape.

1 minute: It’s Barcia with the Fuhrer right behind him, then Slash and France in fourth. My nickname for Musquin is France. It’s creative in its lack of creativity, somehow.

14 minutes: Barcia still leading but Roczen is not letting him go, which might be the most frustrating thing ever while leading a race. You’re just saying “Dude, please. Don’t you have some offs to fuck?”

15 minutes: Musquin is running third, Wharton fourth, but Baggett just moved into the top 5 and hasn’t given a fuck since about lap 5 so they’re done.

23 minutes: Barcia still not letting Roczen shake him. How Roczen still has goggles at this point in the moto is beyond me. Everyone knows that roll-offs are programmed to either break or get water under the film after 20 minutes, it’s in the rule book.

29 minutes: Roczen all over Barcia with 3 to go and pushes the front end

Finish: Barcia wins it, his first moto win on a 250 since 2010. Weird, right? Roczen still held on to second, Baggett made it up to third.

Moto 2

Holeshot: Wil Hahn rips it on the GEICO bike. That team is like the Pro Circuit of the first thousand feet of the moto.

1 minute: Barcia now leading Tedesco, Roczen moves around Hahn for 3rd. Tedesco crossrutting like a boss, trying to stuff it in on Barcia, but the youngbloods don’t play that game. Roczen into 2nd.

2 minutes: Musquin around Tedesco, pulling that PC bike like it’s going out of style. This is the conversation that Mitch and IT will have after that shit:

5 minutes: Baggett and Tomac turning on the afterburners, shitting on Tedesco and Musquin and pretty much rubbing their noses in it.

12 minutes: Fro talking about how fitness comes into play now that we are past the halfway point. Again, 12 minutes.

14 minutes: Baggett around Ken-doll for #2. The top 4 are murdering everyone right now (except each other, that just wouldn’t work).

16 minutes: Baggett around Barcia, no fucks given.

21 minutes: Barcia blowing out ruts and shit, Roczen gets around him for second.

Last lap: Barcia and Roczen going for the same rut, Roczen is on the inside, and somehow he is the one who falls. Barcia taking dudes out from the outside like a BOSS.

Finish: Baggett wraps up another moto, but Barcia takes the overall, the second of his career and first since 2009.

 

 

 

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Thunder Valley For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Stewart Thunder Valley Crash

Photo cred: Matty Rice

Moto 1

Pre-race: Thunder in the vicinity, but if anything that will only make the racing better. People really break out the awesome scrubs when they could potentially get struck by lightning.

Holeshot: Tommy Hahn decides to get in the mix and pull the holeshot. But The Dunge got the holeshot that matters, the one that only includes himself and Stewie.

2 minutes: Weimer was making moves and passed Hahn for an ill minute before getting passed back. Stewie meanwhile has been working from about 7th to 3rd, leaving Dungey to wonder how he can get past the infamous octuple century BRO.

4 minutes: James is getting on his Everts game (but less European), standing up through ruts like a boss. He’s in the lead now and ruining everyone. The Dunge is up to 4th.

7 minutes: James saw that weird thing from The Mothman Prophecies crossing the track and then two seconds later ate shit in the ruts. James is out, and Dungey is Charlie Sheening this shit.

15 minutes: The Dunge is keeping it ice cold, no mistakes. He should have had the “Iceman” nickname. I say again it’s a bit ironic that Broc Hepler ran that one for so long. His concussion count did not really support that moniker.

16 minutes: Weimer makes the move on Hahn for second, running the leisurely pass around the outside.

20 minutes: Nothing’s happening. Nothing’s happening

27 minutes: Metcalfe around Alessi for third. No soup for you, Mike.

29 minutes: Dungey is miles out front.

Last lap: Couple of whips for The Dunge, nothing too fancy, but just letting his hair down a little.

Finish: Dungey, Weimer, Metty in the top 3.

Moto 2

Pre-race: Stew is a no show for moto 2. Dungey has this one in the bag. He can literally win at the push of a button. Also, #1 key to the race: Don’t hit neutral. So key, I have that written on my bar pad every time I go out.

Holeshot: It’s The Dunge. Maybe he’ll fall (spoiler alert: he doesn’t). Weimer and Shorty in the top 3 again, and Tickle ripping a good start finally.

1 minute: Shorty, right behind Weimer, doing triple step ups, not even giving a fuck that he won’t make the inside line. He passes Weimer in the section immediately after that. No coincidence, life favors the NFGers.

10 minutes: Dungey still out front, Shorty running second. Weimer is third but Tickle might have something to say about that.

15 minutes: Alessi fell. May or may not have stood on someone’s bike in an effort to beat them.

25 minutes: Tickle casually passes Weimer for third and has the crosshairs on Shorty now. Kid’s riding like a boss.

30 minutes: Again, Dungey by a mile. Maybe just throw him on a 350 so he can hate his life as much as the guys he’s annihilating right now.

Finish: Dungey wraps up a 1/1, first time KTM has ever done that in the big boy class. Shorty holds on for second, even though Tickle was going hard in the paint in third.

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BRO Breakdown: Stewie’s Crash At Thunder Valley

I was so excited when I heard that a fan ran on the track in front of Stewart that I actually had to remind myself to breathe again. I’m not sure any bit of news has ever been so ripe with potential. There was so much going on in my head that I was getting a little dizzy. More so questions than anything. Who was the guy? Why didn’t they red flag the moto? How much did Dungey pay him? Was it the cop he pulled over getting revenge?

But then I saw the footage, and my excitement was shoved aside by extreme disappointment. I was literally picturing a guy running in front of James, probably in a KTM trench coat, and just doing a Superman pose in the middle of the track. Seeing some dude run across the track miles away from James or his line was not what I was hoping to see. I mean, come on BRO. Distraction or not, the guy wasn’t even close. I very rarely agree with the minds of the baby boomer generation when it comes to matters of moto, but this is one of those times when I wish I could say “Back in my day, we had people crossing the track in 8 different directions every damn lap, and we thanked each and every one of them who didn’t throw broken beer bottles at us.” I heard a few people saying the guy was standing in his line, but watch the footage, James was heading straight for the line he hit. No way he was making it to the inside with all those ruts. Fact is, James fell and saw the opportunity to use a scapegoat. I don’t blame him at all; this is America – where “that guy” is always fucking up our perfect record of never doing anything wrong. I mean, I have literally never had a crash that was my fault. True story.

Am I saying the guy is not an idiot? Nope. I mean, it’s like two laps into the race, the pack is still pretty condensed, which means there is plenty of time when the course is clear, and you decide to cross the track when the leaders are coming around? The man is obviously short bus material. He probably has no idea that he did anything wrong, like a pedophile who gets caught masturbating in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. But to entirely blame James’ crash on him is fucking stupid.

Here’s another vid of the whole shebang:

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