1. The Thumbs Up – How can something so good-natured be so fucking annoying? Listen BRO, that’s great that you want to wish me good luck on this journey we are about to embark upon, but we have been sitting here for 15 minutes and you want to pull this shit 10 seconds before the gate drops? Now if I don’t do it, God will hate me. So fuck you BRO, I hope you get rocked in this moto just so I know I don’t have to deal with this again.
2. The Psyche Up – We all like to get revved up pre-moto. It’s important to get the juices flowing. But the epileptic seizure that you are having next to me is not helping anyone. I am sitting here, game face on, ready go HAM on this track, and I’ve got this asshole who looks like you’re trying to do every move of the macarena at once.
3. Burn outs – Listen boss, it’s cool that your dad still buys your tires, but how many times have you pulled a holeshot in your last ten tries? Let me help you: it’s less than 2. The smokeshow that your are putting on might be turning your tire into a molten traction machine right now, but in the 5 minutes we still have until the gate drops, everything is going to cool down and you’ll be back to spin city once the moment arrives and you won’t get a good start.
4. The Entourage – Let’s make sure everyone is here: we got gate prep guy, goggle guy, umbrella guy, motivational guy, fist bump guy, and “just there because everyone else is” guy. You are popular as fuck, and that’s probably not gay or anything, but your crew is spilling over into my territory, BRO. Fist bump guy will be with you in spirit, but you definitely won’t get a good start.
5. The Gate Creeper – It’s all physics really: a body in motion will move easier than a body not in motion. So if you want to start 30 feet behind the gate and creep your way up like Fred Flintstone, the logic is rock solid. But my eyes are pretty much wired to tell my brain to explode at the sight of any movement, when I see your tire creeping into my periph, it is a bit distracting. And you still won’t get a good start.
Bonus: The Good Samaritan – “Hey dude, looks like you got a flat.” Are you kidding me, asshole? Do I look like I want to hear that right now? I was so much happier five seconds ago. Thanks, dick.
