Tag Archives: seattle

Seattle For Assholes: 250 Breakdown

Posted on April 25, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Pre-race: It’s hard to bet against Roczen in this moto. He comes from Germany, where the tracks either suck (about 95%) or have perfect dirt. Kid is a machine in this stuff.

Holeshot: Tomac. I’m changing my bet.

Lap 2: Roczen is up to 3rd behind Christian Craig, who is looking to prove that he is more than the TLD dude that instagrams a lot of stuff with his chick. He’s ripping right now.

Lap 3: Roczen moved into 2nd and now Sipes is around Craig, too. Sipes also still exists, for your information.

Lap 4: Malcolm had just moved into 7th past Cunningham, but he needed to exfoliate and you cannot put a price on good mud.

Lap 5: Osborne battling with Sipes for 3rd, somehow manages to hit a double from so far inside he was basically on top of the tuff blocks.

Lap 6: Osborne into 3rd, squares up Sipes then shuts him down in the whoops. He’s about that box.

Lap 10: Tomac ovah the bahhhs! #BostonStrong

Lap 10 (cont’d): Ralph just called the back of the bike “the tail section”, like it’s a fucking Boeing. Oh Sheheen, you slay me.

Lap 11: Speaking of the tail section, Tomac’s looks like it thinks it’s better than everyone else. Hey, you think you’re better’n me? You ain’t better’n me. Roczen is now leading, by the way.

Lap 13: Dynamite battle for 5th happening with Sipes, Rattray, and Davalos. Running train on those ruts.

Lap 14: Politelli getting in the mix now for the battle for 5th and Davalos got distracted by something shiny. He hit the ground.

Lap 15: Did I not call Roczen for the win? Granted I wrote this 4 days after the race but you know what, kids? Santa doesn’t exist. So enjoy that knowledge.

Finish: Roczen takes it. The ‘ship is now his to lose.

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Seattle For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on April 25, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Before we get started, you all have undoubtedly noticed that this blog has been on hiatus for a while. I stopped because I got bored of it, simple as that. People came calling, and I realized that this is more important than me. The citizens need the Breakdowns. Because on the inside, we are all assholes (scientifically true, to a degree).

Pre-race: It’s raining. No surprise, Seattle is where Jesus goes to cry. Also, the Fox riders are running #Boston butt patches. Cool as fuck, and a phenomenal way to get chicks to try to click your ass.

Holeshot: Barcia gets it and (spoiler alert) that’s the ballgame. Villopoto got pinballed all over the place but Reed was the one who took the nut-kicking of fate in that fiasco.

Lap 2: Dungey’s number plate got into the mini bar at the hotel by the looks of things. He is actually picking his way through the pack, which he normally struggles to do.

Lap 3: Villopoto around Alessi. The crowd goes a little wild, but not as much as Minni for The Dunge. Can’t blame them, you wouldn’t cheer as loud if your child was a ginger.

Lap 4: It’s lap 4/20 on 4/20. The stands have emptied as everyone rushes to the pizza guy.

Lap 5: Villopoto is struggling with the ruts, but so is everyone else so it’s all good. Fish tail steeze for days.

Lap 8: Villopoto is right there, but Barcia’s brain is good at ignoring riders around him and telling insecurity to fuck off.

Lap 10: Considering the ruts on this track, giving a fuck is not a winning strategy. Wide open coming out of the turns and tracking a rut the whole way. NFG.

Lap 12: Vince has his hands full with Weimer, Brayton, Short, and Tickle on the move. Weimer actually came way through the pack in this race but no one has said anything about it.

Lap 14: This is not the race to fuck up your seatbounces. Shorty demonstrates (he saved it, cool your jets).

Lap 16: Barcia and Villopoto are dialed, they’ve lapped into the top 10.

Lap 17: Millsaps discovering the relentless hazards that are lappers stalling in your rut. No worries for him though since he rides a bike like it’s a tricycle that owes him money.

Lap 19: Weimer just moved into 5th. He started somewhere like 13th. Anytime you pass more riders than the number that beat you, you had a good race. Take that to the bank.

Lap 20: I’d say this is Barcia’s to lose, but anyone who has had a race locked up on a rutty track and fallen on the last fucking lap knows not to count those chickens.

Finish: Oh just kidding, Barcia wins it.

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Rating The Racer X Fan Of The Week

Posted on April 24, 2012 by MarcoBROlo | Permalink

Racer X Fan of the weekFile under: GOO! There needs to be a serious reversal on the eyewear. Erin Normoyle and her smokeshow girlfriend need to toss orange hat the brown paper bag (read: big sunglasses).

Hair:
1. Just sexy as fuck. Erin is flawless and she knows it. Anyone know if she likes media moguls? Move over Eazy, this one is mine. [editor's note: Get fucked]
2. Two is rocking some sexy sun-kissed blonde locks and it’s sending me from six to midnight faster than a gate drop. Perfection.
3. Damn lucky we have this as a category, #3, because this is your only redeeming quality except for those melons you’re thrusting into my face. Bleach blonde with that Farrah Fawcett feathered look. That mane would look great clenched in my hand when I do the dirty from behind, pretending all the while that you’re Erin.

The Goods:
1. My girl here is covering up a considerable amount but we all know Erin has a body carved out of pure sex.
2. Girls either have a great rack or a great ass. That’s just a fact of life (Erin aside, she gets both). I see you trying to cover that ass up with the arm and it’s still peeking out. Well done with the sneaky ass cleavage. Also, million dollar smile. It’d look great with millions of my unborn children on it.
3. GET IT OFF ME! Something here is un-proportionate and I can’t put my nose on it…. Seriously though, rhinoplasty isn’t that expensive.

Attire:
1. Scarf, rocking the leather and you know those shades cost more than your car. Erin knows her shit with the style game and she is certainly bringing the A game fire here.
2. Feld has the right idea going here, replace all the officials with smokeshows. Boom. Immediate 300% increase in attendance. Well done big wigs. You win this one.
3. Keep trying to distract me with those tits but if you’re trying to take attention off of your face stay away from orange beanies.

Misc:
1. What else is there to say to my future ex-wife. Call me babe.
2. Riding Erin’s coat tails might be your best career move right now, toots. Keep up with that and you’ll be broadcaster/model status in no time.
3. Throw on some big sun glasses and you could be working with something here. Also, since you won’t be modeling with your friends here why don’t you make me a BLT before I B my L on your T’s.

Final Rating:
1. 3/2 …Am I allowed to do that? Yup!
2. 2/2. Wanna be famous? Sleep with an up and coming blogger; 95% of the time, it works every time. The other 5% is MotoUr(.)(.)s. He’s useless.
3. 1/ 2 because I don’t have to look at your face from behind.

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Seattle For Assholes: 250 Breakdown

Posted on April 23, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Pre-race: Dianna still looking like straight fiery sex. Her kiss to the camera reminded me of how slow my old DSL modem was, for some reason.

Holeshot: Sipes gets it, but not according to Ralph. Who knew Sheheen was such a friend of the privateers, giving Jarred Browne the plug.

Lap 1: Tomac pulls the savage move of the year, passing Wilson and grabbing enough front brake to melt an ice hotel and standing it up on the front wheel all the way into the corner. No fucks given.

Lap 2: Deano takes Eli into the tuffblocks right after the finish, a clear display of how Dean doesn’t give a fuck that Eli doesn’t give a fuck.

Lap 2 (cont’d): The fuck is a whoop pad?

Lap 5: Tomac giving Dean the business. Like a boss. Moves into second after the triple. Dean tosses him off the track, no fucks given. Tomac then jumps over the tuffblocks and into the middle of the track, equal amount of fucks given.

Lap 6: Spoiler alert: Musquin gets second in this race. We’re almost halfway through, and he just passed Baker for 8th. Wait, what?

Lap 8: Tomac. Inside line. Dean’s face. Dirt. That’s a poem I wrote about this lap. Tomac to 2nd.

Lap 11: Seely and Hahn duking it out for 3rd. Musquin’s back there lurking, all French and shit.

Lap 12: Laninovich passes Deano for 7th. He don’t give a four letter word about your PC ride, BRO.

Lap 13: Deano back around Lano. Dean is clearly feeling the effects of riding outside the top 3, kind of like when you go to Wal-Mart in the South and just feel sick for no reason.

Lap 14: Musquin gets around Seely, and looks fast. That is all.

Lap 15: Musquin pushes Tomac to third. Tomac is second gearing his way around the track right now since his shift lever is more twisted than a Catholic priest’s wet dream.

Finish: Sipes may have won the race, but Musquin did a heel clicker over the finish (because he thought he got 1st, like a joe), so if we factored in the Speed and Style points, Marvin would probably win.

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Seattle For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on April 23, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

villopoJoetoPre-race: According to Ralph, Villopoto has had a perfect season for a year and a half. Of course, just like a perfect game in baseball simply consists of winning the game. Also, Dianna is wearing the new Thor women’s jersey for this race, designed specifically for what is important in women’s motocross: tits.

Holeshot: Shorty getting back to the old tricks with the start, Supercross.com is pissed; perhaps they should have saved some of that money they dumped into truck racing. Yeah, truck racing. Ken-doll right with Shorty on the KTM -100.

Lap 1: VilloJoseph hits the dirt and his knee is all fucked up. Wasn’t even a good crash. If you were trying to pick up a girl and showed her that crash she would laugh and give you a tampon. A used tampon.

Lap 2: Say what you want about Villopoto, but his pimp walk off the track was pretty fierce. Diggin’ the scene with a gangsta lean.

Lap 5: Fro discussing how Roczen rides the 350, Ralph chimes in: “And don’t forget, Short was riding that 350 KTM a year ago.” Ralph Sheheen: an oasis of worthless, common knowledge moto facts.

Lap 6: Weimer, Brayton, and The Dunge battling for 3rd. Dungey is probably upset being beaten by Roczen. He might even be so bold as to use the term “Cotton-headed Ninnymuggins”.

Lap 7: Shorty and Roczen duking it out, but keeping it clean for the kids. Roczen continuing to triple off the dragon’s back, giving the same amount of fucks as Lebron James has championships.

Lap 8: The Dunge shows a wheel to Brayton, who immediately instructs him to sit the fuck down. Dungey back to 7th.

Lap 10: Still trying to figure out when exactly Mike Alessi lost his visor. Probably ripped it off like a tear off thinking it would be more aerodynamic, which it is, as long as you measure in units of gay.

Lap 12: Fro’s grunt as Millsaps got a little far forward on the step-on actually made me laugh out loud. Sounded indistinguishable from the guy in “My New Haircut”. Davi now on Alessi for 5th.

Lap 13: Davi and The Dunge pass Alessi, who is probably considering just losing the entire helmet and seeing if that helps any.

Lap 15: In-depth coverage the battle for 9th now. Fascinating stuff, feel like this is about the time when a car insurance commercial would fit right in.

Lap 16: Chisholm’s pic in the on-screen graphic is Ryan Sipes. That’s the most interesting thing happening right now.

Lap 18: Weimer and Brayton are still 3rd and 4th, although I think even their parents forgot they were in this race. Catching Roczen real quick, too.

Lap 20: Short is “I’ve never won”-ing the fuck out of the last lap, rolling doubles like a boss and not giving a fuck.

Finish: Short, Roczen, Weimer. Who had that one picked? You literally could throw darts at a wall of photos and be more accurate in choosing podiums these days.

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Some Standard BRO Behavior: Getting In Fights In The Stands At A Supercross

Posted on April 23, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

This fight is such a let-down. First of all, why would you get into a fight in the stands? That right there says that you are really just a bitch who wanted to talk shit and got yourself in way too deep, same with the other guy. Take it outside and bring some glass shards or trash cans or other makeshift weapons into the picture like real sickos. I will give credit for ruining the experience for the fans around you though; that is mandatory action for a BRO who has been crushing $10 Budweisers all night. Everything that you do is more interesting than everything that happens on the track, anyway.

P.S. I have no idea how anyone could have the stones to take a swing at Monster shirt guy. Like, you are staring in the face of a guy who has clearly marked how legit he is, and you still think you can fight him. True balls of steel.

P.P.S. Upon further inspection, dude who took a swing at Monster guy is clearly decked out in Rockstar apparel. So he has the proper street cred to be actin’ a fool up in this bitch.

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