Pre-race: According to Ralph, Villopoto has had a perfect season for a year and a half. Of course, just like a perfect game in baseball simply consists of winning the game. Also, Dianna is wearing the new Thor women’s jersey for this race, designed specifically for what is important in women’s motocross: tits.
Holeshot: Shorty getting back to the old tricks with the start, Supercross.com is pissed; perhaps they should have saved some of that money they dumped into truck racing. Yeah, truck racing. Ken-doll right with Shorty on the KTM -100.
Lap 1: VilloJoseph hits the dirt and his knee is all fucked up. Wasn’t even a good crash. If you were trying to pick up a girl and showed her that crash she would laugh and give you a tampon. A used tampon.
Lap 2: Say what you want about Villopoto, but his pimp walk off the track was pretty fierce. Diggin’ the scene with a gangsta lean.
Lap 5: Fro discussing how Roczen rides the 350, Ralph chimes in: “And don’t forget, Short was riding that 350 KTM a year ago.” Ralph Sheheen: an oasis of worthless, common knowledge moto facts.
Lap 6: Weimer, Brayton, and The Dunge battling for 3rd. Dungey is probably upset being beaten by Roczen. He might even be so bold as to use the term “Cotton-headed Ninnymuggins”.
Lap 7: Shorty and Roczen duking it out, but keeping it clean for the kids. Roczen continuing to triple off the dragon’s back, giving the same amount of fucks as Lebron James has championships.
Lap 8: The Dunge shows a wheel to Brayton, who immediately instructs him to sit the fuck down. Dungey back to 7th.
Lap 10: Still trying to figure out when exactly Mike Alessi lost his visor. Probably ripped it off like a tear off thinking it would be more aerodynamic, which it is, as long as you measure in units of gay.
Lap 12: Fro’s grunt as Millsaps got a little far forward on the step-on actually made me laugh out loud. Sounded indistinguishable from the guy in “My New Haircut”. Davi now on Alessi for 5th.
Lap 13: Davi and The Dunge pass Alessi, who is probably considering just losing the entire helmet and seeing if that helps any.
Lap 15: In-depth coverage the battle for 9th now. Fascinating stuff, feel like this is about the time when a car insurance commercial would fit right in.
Lap 16: Chisholm’s pic in the on-screen graphic is Ryan Sipes. That’s the most interesting thing happening right now.
Lap 18: Weimer and Brayton are still 3rd and 4th, although I think even their parents forgot they were in this race. Catching Roczen real quick, too.
Lap 20: Short is “I’ve never won”-ing the fuck out of the last lap, rolling doubles like a boss and not giving a fuck.
Finish: Short, Roczen, Weimer. Who had that one picked? You literally could throw darts at a wall of photos and be more accurate in choosing podiums these days.