Tag Archives: san diego

San Diego For Assholes: 250 Breakdown

Posted on February 14, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Pre-race: Erin just said freakish on TV. I bet she’s into some freak ish. And SPEED just created a great new hashtag – #28TylaRattrayProblems

Holeshot: Anderson breaks the JDR/TLD streak on holeshots. They’ve seriously had all of them between Seely, Nelson, and Savatgy

Lap 1: Davalos pulls the You Got Served shit in the rhythm section and gets tossed. But unlimited street cred for break dancing a PC 250.

Lap 3: Talking about how tight the battle for the lead is but we are on lap 3, so… it’s really not that close. Finding things to talk about is hard.

Lap 3 (cont’d): Tomac missed the triple but hit the next berm like it owed him money to save 2nd.

Lap 5: Tomac into the lead. Yellow flags but it’s the pros. The NFG rule is in full effect.

Lap 6: Tomac is throwing one footers all over the place. That’s a dead giveaway of riding like a boss.

Lap 7: Anderson dealing with Roczen while Tomac is out. 2 seconds a lap on JA.

Lap 8: Roczen into 2nd, set Anderson up like he wasn’t even trying. Germans are some crafty mofos.

Lap 9: Showing Cunningham now making the move on Baker for 8th. Have to wonder if the sponsors of that team get pissed that no one actually calls the team by its actual name and still just says Star Yamaha…

Lap 11: Cunningham rhythming through the whoops. That’s always cooler.

Lap 11 (cont’d): Malcolm Stew hits the deck #MalcolmProblems. Davalos is up to 11th now after his lolligagging on lap 1.

Lap 12: Osborne welcoming The Savage to pro life, puts him into the tuff blocks.

Lap 14: Tomac on the #1 plate program, still tossing the buttery one footers for the kids.

Lap 15: No one really talking about it but Roczen is catching Tomac. Like, a lot.

Finish: Tomac took it but Roczen was on him like white on hockey. Wait, what?

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San Diego For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on February 13, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Pre-race: Suzuki hasn’t won here apparently but you will have an intimate familiarity with that factoid after it is mentioned a thousand times tonight.

Holeshot: Millsaps is first to the whiteness. Ralph is calling him Magic Man now. That’s a Ralph nickname all day long.

Lap 1: Reed up to 2nd past Tickle. He is all about a whale’s vagina.

Lap 2: Pretty sure Ralph just said RV is showing an 8th. First he dealt with rule 4.20, and now this. They are all about the green at Kawi. [That whole joke was a reach. Ralph said "in", but I took some artistic liberties.]

Lap 4: Stew and The Dunge around Tickle for 5th and 6th.

Lap 7: Reed all over Millsaps but Davi wheelies into the whoops and hits them like that Dorner dude in the log cabin – straight fire.

Lap 8: Villopoto all over Stewart and Dungey. This is the highest paid battle for 5th ever.

Lap 9: Reed all over Millsaps and now Barcia is joining the crew. They are miles ahead of everyone else.

Lap 10: Reed down in the corner after triple #2. Dorner sniped him because he’s wearing red, white, and blue.

Lap 11: All Millsaps and Barcia right now. Real question: who is Colleen rooting for? Either way, it’s about 10 more joeys signing up for year-round memberships so she’s all good, I guess.

Lap 14: Barcia is all over Millsaps as they hit enough lappers to suffocate a leader’s vocal chords.

Lap 16: Barcia back on the rev limiter program, trying to find a way around Davi but it is not happening.

Lap 18: Dungey is 3rd now with Villopoto right behind him but they are still way behind the lead duo.

Lap 19: With the amount of lappers he’s encountering, Millsaps definitely enters the whoops every lap praying for Haley’s Comet to take a detour and knock them into harmless territory.

Lap 19 (cont’d): Taking Ralph and Jeff a while to realize that Villopoto went down…

Finish: Millsaps just won’t stop extending his lead. This isn’t supposed to happen, something must be broken.

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GoPro Hits The Links In San Diego

Posted on February 16, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Still the best videos from the races, for my money. Of course, they are the only ones that are allowed to put actual riding footage in videos, so I suppose they are running a bit ahead of the 8-ball. I can tell you one thing from seeing this video: I would crush all those BROs on the golf course. I straight Bill Murray the fuck out of the driver. Cinderella story every shot.

Oh, and Alessi killing it in the whoops at the four minute mark. Standard.

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Rating The Racer X Fan Of The Week

Posted on February 14, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Racer X FanFile under – Ok, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, #1. I hope these girls understand that you cannot win them all. I am sure these girls have good personalities and tell funny jokes and even look okay on their best days, but today is not one of those days. Chalk it up to photographer error, which is a definite possibility. But this one’s going to hurt.

  • Hair – You know, I guess the girl on the left is alright, but her style is blatantly uninspired. The natural look only works to a certain degree, and is best complimented with radiance elsewhere in your approach. I am not seeing it. And woman on the right, that could be a wig/albino squid every day of the week.
  • The Goods – Once again, I am disgustingly flaccid. I mean, the mark of a true champion is bringing your A-game to the field every single time you step out there. Way to settle for mediocrity. You should be ashamed of yourselves. However, left girl is sneaking in a nice ass in the bottom left of the pic, so you can pull your head out of the guillotine, BRO.
  • Attire – Zero points on the Suzuki jackets, but making it up with the tight black spandexy pants. Notice the Adidas-style vertical stripes. Those scream “I hit the gym every day because I like to workout. And fuck.”
  • Misc – Would I three-way it? Yeah, most likely. Separate? Left yes, but only as a last resort. She is my slut safety school. Woman on the right looks like a meerkat but less attractive. Her smile is talking to me too; it’s saying “I’m a slunt.” I believe you, BRO. I believe you.

Rating – 1/2 for lefty, 0/2 for righty.

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SD For Assholes: 250 Breakdown

Posted on February 14, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Dean Wilson San DiegoPre Race – Seely getting some TV time, I am studying his kit looking for BRO stickers. None to be found. Inconsolably upset. And on Valentine’s Day, nonetheless. Fuck yo sponsors, BRO.

Holeshot – Vince Friese a.k.a. Dr. Bulldozer takes it. Leading like a boss…and then come the whoops. 2nd, like a… 3rd, li… 4th like a boss.

Lap 2 – Deano leading with the straight black gloves tonight. Swag city, bitch.

Lap 2 (cont’d) – Tomac joes the dragon back, Musquin gets collected, and gets up holding his ass because Lady Luck just buttfucked him. He’s definitely yelling “Putain de merde”, which is a loose French translation for “motherfucker”. Look it up.

Lap 3 – How many of you actually looked it up?

Lap 4 – Dean flowing like your woman the day after V-Day when you forgot to get the chocolates. Tomac flat-landing the finish line every lap but not giving a fuck. And I am just now realizing that the step up to dragon back after the whoops is kind of gnarly. I’m sure I could handle it though.

Lap 5 – Vince doubling the whoops in 5th. Throws a triple in there for the kids. Like a boss. Laninovich all up in Swanie’s business in 7th. Probably running a BRO sticker, no big deal.

Lap 8 – Tomac gets worked in the whoops. John is pissed. It’ll take at least 5 hours of uphill cardio to calm him down. Tomac laying in the whoops like he is on the cross. So spiritual (read that last part with a heavy lisp).

Lap 8 (cont’d) – Fro explaining that the bike hit Eli in the left ribs on his back. He did not do well in Biology.

Lap 11 – Ralph fucks up the math on the points for the championship coming out of this race. A rare miss.

Lap 12 – Izzi past Lano into 5th. Apparently dumping Weimer’s woman immediately takes off an average of about 4 seconds a lap.

Lap 15 – Jimmy D shoutout on the mic. Race is no longer significant. Dean doubling the whoops. Swag overload.

Finish – Deano, Seely, Moss with the third. Mos also grossly exceeding the max number of fist pumps allowed for a third place. The acceptable number is zero, no matter how shitty your other races have been.

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SD For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on February 14, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Ryan Villopoto San Diego 2012Pre-race – Jeff’s keys still don’t include the single greatest piece of advice that anyone has ever given me: don’t fall, and ride better than everyone else. No awkward wink for Dianna this week. She went with the subtle “Hey” to the camera. I’m almost positive she was talking to me. I didn’t respond, like a pimp.

Holeshot - Metcalfe gets it. Ralph asks if he can win. No BRO, where the fuck have you been? Suzuki isn’t going to win a 450 main event this year.

Lap 2 – Villopoto passes Metcalfe, who proceeds to punish himself by casing the triple before the finish line like a joe. I think he might have sharted, too.

Lap 3 – Stewart murders Dungey in the whoops as Ryan resorts to doubling through at the end because he races a Buick KTM. Ralph comments that Dungey isn’t hitting the whoops well. Dynamite input, champ.

Lap 4 – Weimer passes Dungey, Dungey responds by putting him in the tuffblocks. Not up in here! Nice guys finish second, assholes finish first. Assholes on KTMs finish 3rd.

Lap 6 - Reed, lurking on Villopoto, is getting through the whoops “something fierce”, according to Ralph. Sheheen is on fire tonight.

Lap 7 – Erin talking about how Chad changed the clutch/throttle ratio and is totally killing now. Droppin’ science on your ass.

Lap 7 (cont’d) – Bubbsy falls. Again. Supercross-only is totally paying off. James is literally so stuck that fucking Bear Grylls has to roll through and cut him out. Bear then used that piece of his pants to fabricate a new addition to his house.

Lap 10 – K-Dub getting some cam time. Running 5th, looking leisure as fuck about it. Standard Windham.

Lap 11 – Weimer is out like a boner in sweat pants. He claims he’ll be back with a new attitude at D-town. No more of this KTM bullshit, Dungey.

Lap 12 – Windham passes Metcalfe even though he was six different kinds of fucked up in the whoops. He was actually blocking an assassin’s bullet from hitting Metty. With great Windham comes great responsibility.

Lap 15 – Stewart running 16th. Can you insure falls in a Supercross? No worries, Coy will collect on the fire at JGR that he started that was caused by electricity or something.

Lap 17 – Villopoto and Reed about to lap Alessi, who sees this as his time to show the world that he can run with them. He’s channeling the last line in Supercross: The Movie – “Time to go get famous”.

Lap 19 – This race is actually good now. This is like every game in every other sport where you could watch only the last two minutes and be easily just as satisfied.

Lap 19 (cont’d) – Reed into 1st. When Ralph yells, he sounds like a fat woman giving birth to an equally obese baby. Yeah, it’s majestic.

Lap 19 (cont’d again) – Villopoto says the same thing Dungey was saying to Weimer.

Lap 20 – Reed tire taps the last five whoops. Just give him the win.

Finish – Villopoto, Reed, KTM Dungey. Hansen gets 5th, does not giving a fuck about it like a boss.

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Some God Awful Footy Of K-Dub’s San Diego Transfer

Posted on February 14, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

This is what happens when you resort to the bottom of the barrel for video footage. Yeah, Speed actually aired it this week, but they really did not capture the full experience. Half  the thrill is in the set-up. The anticipation amplifies the act itself at least 100%. You need the blap, blap before the BLAP. It is so key to the formula. But yeah, Kevin Windham just throwing hip transfers onto the take-off of triples like he is getting bored of how easy it is. Like a boss.

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What Is The Most Ridiculous Scenario For Why The Dude Who Freed Stewart Had A Knife?

Posted on February 13, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

He is a CIA/Green Beret hybrid agent who was working to foil the terrorist organization that is headed up by the flaggers in Supercross and right when the lights went out for opening ceremonies, flaggers were supposed to start dropping like flies. Something went wrong, though, and dude saw his chance to get one when the guy rushed over to James. He approached from the back, ready to drop that motherfucker, but knew it was the wrong time with all the TV cameras crowding around, so he just decided to help Bubbsy instead.

He is a crazed JS7 fan and slit the throat of the dude keeping people off the track and walked out there like a boss. He fully intended to do the same to Chad and Ryan, but saw his opportunity to be an American hero/get some memorabilia when James was pinned under the bike. The bike is lucky it does not have a throat, or else that would have been slashed, as well.

He is a CutCo knife salesman who visited James last week and could not close the sale. How about now, BRO?

He himself is a terrorist and wanted to do a test run of how good he is at sneaking knives into secure areas before he hits up the airport. Mission accomplished.

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Keeping It Real With Chad Reed – Nice Guys Finish Second

Posted on February 13, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Keeping it realDamn, this may be shaping up to be a regular feature. Two weeks in a row, we have Chad Reed straight up dropping truth bombs on the whole industry. If you missed Chad’s post-race interview, the main take-away from it was “Nice guys finish second.” Love it. I fucking love it. Because it’s true; he knows that Villopoto stuffed him and beat him straight up. It was not a dirty pass, just Godsmack moshpit-aggressive [how's that for imagery?]. But that’s how it goes, BROs; Villopoto just had that mentality that he was not going to lose the race, and it worked out.

Here’s the thing about Chad: love him or hate him, he wears it all out his sleeve. The dude does not bullshit the people. Yet again, he just comes in saying “I got 2nd again, and I think that is gayer than AIDS.” That’s a direct quote, look it up [note: don't look it up]. Like, do you honestly think Dungey gets a distant third after fucking up the whoops every lap and then is all psyched about it and tells himself “Hey, that’s racing”? Negative, he is pissed. Like, burning the toast in his KTM toaster after he forgot to take his KTM umbrella out in the rain pissed. That’s right, he is KTM bullshit about the whole matter (bullshit obviously being used in the adjective sense, Masshole style). You do not want to be KTM bullshit, ever. Suzuki bullshit is bad enough, KTM bullshit is really terrible, and God help you if you ever reach Husaberg bullshit levels. Like, the mailman who shoots up the post office only does it because his Husaberg weighs a thousand pounds, and that is only slightly Husaberg bullshit. But I digress. There’s nothing wrong with being pissed about joeing the whoops and getting third, either. Let’s hear it BROs. And I’m not saying that I enjoy rider’s discontent like I feed off their tears or anything. Can we please just keep it real? That’s all I ask. Assholes finish first. Remember that.

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#BRODiego Live Blog

Posted on February 11, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

As I mentioned before, BRO is not actually at San Diego. Luckily, we live in the age of almost live broadcasting, so I can still tweet along with that. Of course, the broadcast is actually several minutes behind the live action just in case Ralph goes on a killing rampage or one of the Monster chicks has a wardrobe malfunction (free shit to anyone who can make that happen). But anyway, still going to live blog and not give a fuck about what society thinks, like a boss.


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