Pre-race – Jeff’s keys still don’t include the single greatest piece of advice that anyone has ever given me: don’t fall, and ride better than everyone else. No awkward wink for Dianna this week. She went with the subtle “Hey” to the camera. I’m almost positive she was talking to me. I didn’t respond, like a pimp.
Holeshot - Metcalfe gets it. Ralph asks if he can win. No BRO, where the fuck have you been? Suzuki isn’t going to win a 450 main event this year.
Lap 2 – Villopoto passes Metcalfe, who proceeds to punish himself by casing the triple before the finish line like a joe. I think he might have sharted, too.
Lap 3 – Stewart murders Dungey in the whoops as Ryan resorts to doubling through at the end because he races a
Buick KTM. Ralph comments that Dungey isn’t hitting the whoops well. Dynamite input, champ.
Lap 4 – Weimer passes Dungey, Dungey responds by putting him in the tuffblocks. Not up in here! Nice guys finish second, assholes finish first. Assholes on KTMs finish 3rd.
Lap 6 - Reed, lurking on Villopoto, is getting through the whoops “something fierce”, according to Ralph. Sheheen is on fire tonight.
Lap 7 – Erin talking about how Chad changed the clutch/throttle ratio and is totally killing now. Droppin’ science on your ass.
Lap 7 (cont’d) – Bubbsy falls. Again. Supercross-only is totally paying off. James is literally so stuck that fucking Bear Grylls has to roll through and cut him out. Bear then used that piece of his pants to fabricate a new addition to his house.
Lap 10 – K-Dub getting some cam time. Running 5th, looking leisure as fuck about it. Standard Windham.
Lap 11 – Weimer is out like a boner in sweat pants. He claims he’ll be back with a new attitude at D-town. No more of this KTM bullshit, Dungey.
Lap 12 – Windham passes Metcalfe even though he was six different kinds of fucked up in the whoops. He was actually blocking an assassin’s bullet from hitting Metty. With great Windham comes great responsibility.
Lap 15 – Stewart running 16th. Can you insure falls in a Supercross? No worries, Coy will collect on the fire at JGR
that he started that was caused by electricity or something.
Lap 17 – Villopoto and Reed about to lap Alessi, who sees this as his time to show the world that he can run with them. He’s channeling the last line in Supercross: The Movie – “Time to go get famous”.
Lap 19 – This race is actually good now. This is like every game in every other sport where you could watch only the last two minutes and be easily just as satisfied.
Lap 19 (cont’d) – Reed into 1st. When Ralph yells, he sounds like a fat woman giving birth to an equally obese baby. Yeah, it’s majestic.
Lap 19 (cont’d again) – Villopoto says the same thing Dungey was saying to Weimer.
Lap 20 – Reed tire taps the last five whoops. Just give him the win.
Finish – Villopoto, Reed, KTM Dungey. Hansen gets 5th, does not giving a fuck about it like a boss.