Tag Archives: ryan villopoto

Atlanta For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on February 27, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Pre-race: The last time Stewart led a race was the last time he won. Mull that over.

Holeshot: James. 3rd in, 1st out. All that matters.

Lap 1: Stew 1, Villopoto 2. No one else is even in this race, right?

Lap 2: Stewart’s line in the rhythm is a straight pin-and-pray, but *spoiler alert* he and basically everyone but Villopoto hit it every lap.

Lap 2 (cont’d): Villojoseph gets out of shape in the triple-triple section before the whoops. As Ralph put it, he “showed a little bit of a wiggle.” Whatever, BRO.

Lap 4: RC saying Stewart is on his way to his 45th win. On lap 4. Since James actually did end up winning, this was the equivalent of betting a grand on a half court shot and sinking it. While blindfolded. And drunk. And being shot by a machine gun.

Lap 5: Fro discussing the utility of one footers in SX, but failing to mention “for the kids”. Big miss, chief.

Lap 9: James crossruts the step over after the rhythm almost every lap. But he has factory suspension so he’s all “Eat my ass, lines.” Like a boss.

Lap 10: Ralph mistaking Alessi for Millsaps. BRO, you speak for a living. Stop sucking at it.

Lap 11: Tomac cruising through the pack. Took him forever to get past Alessi (color me shocked) but he’s around Weimer no problem.

Lap 12: Reed jumping through the whoops. Only cool guys jump through the whoops.

Lap 14: Reed into 9th. He’s not even riding poorly. Getting a bad start in this class is like being the designated driver at a blacklight party – it just ruins the whole experience.

Lap 16: Are we really looking at a battle for 13th when Stew and Poto are 1-2 on lap 16?

Lap 17: Despite this hilariously timed boner photo, Millsaps is actually right there. Only 2 seconds off of Villopoto.

Lap 18: Villopoto closing on Stewart. They’re talking fitness but seriously BRO, we’re on lap 18 and James hasn’t crashed or fucked up at all yet. He’s nursing this one home.

Lap 19: Stew’s mechanic held up the pitboard with “2 laps to go” at the end of this lap, so that white flag might as well have been 50 Christmases in one.

Lap 20: James doubling through the rhythm. RV is closing but one more lap? James is prepared to road block the shit out of this one.

Finish: Stewart. I called it. Just didn’t tell anyone.

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Dallas For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on February 20, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Pre-race: Stew out because his clutch grenaded. Factory as shit.

Holeshot: Millsaps actually gets it, even though he entered the first turn in about mid pack. Snuck it up the inside like a Navy SEAL.

Lap 1: Villopoto straight into the lead, bad news BROs.

Lap 2: Reed is in 2nd but Davi literally skimmed the rhythm before the last triple, so he’s over giving any fucks.

Lap 4: Millsaps back around Reed, hitting the low lines like a boss.

Lap 6: The Dunge all over Reed now, Villopoto is cruising.

Lap 7: Shorty doing it for team Stock Graphics, running in 9th.

Lap 8: Not even trying to be a dick, but I don’t think Fro knows what “ironic” means. Peick and Blose both wearing black like “bad boys” is not ironic. It’s just something that happened.

Lap 11: Barcia and Brayton battling for 5th. Brayton doesn’t really whip, Barcia does all the time. It’s an interesting juxtaposition when they are next to each other.

Lap 11 (cont’d): Barcia just missed the tire tap before the triple and almost pulled a move out of the Larry Loopout playbook.

Lap 13: We’re on Villopoto for a solid 2 laps now, because there’s no racing happening…

Lap 15: The Dunge stuffs Reed for 3rd. NFG moves.

Lap 17: RC schooling Ralph on the pronunciation of “Sycuan”. Sorry BRO but after hearing you butcher the name “Decotis”, that would be grounds for a mouthful of Coors Light to the face.

Lap 19: The Dunge isn’t dun yet. Catching Millsaps for 2nd.

Finish: Villopoto had this one the second he got into the lead. Unchallenged all race.

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San Diego For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on February 13, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Pre-race: Suzuki hasn’t won here apparently but you will have an intimate familiarity with that factoid after it is mentioned a thousand times tonight.

Holeshot: Millsaps is first to the whiteness. Ralph is calling him Magic Man now. That’s a Ralph nickname all day long.

Lap 1: Reed up to 2nd past Tickle. He is all about a whale’s vagina.

Lap 2: Pretty sure Ralph just said RV is showing an 8th. First he dealt with rule 4.20, and now this. They are all about the green at Kawi. [That whole joke was a reach. Ralph said "in", but I took some artistic liberties.]

Lap 4: Stew and The Dunge around Tickle for 5th and 6th.

Lap 7: Reed all over Millsaps but Davi wheelies into the whoops and hits them like that Dorner dude in the log cabin – straight fire.

Lap 8: Villopoto all over Stewart and Dungey. This is the highest paid battle for 5th ever.

Lap 9: Reed all over Millsaps and now Barcia is joining the crew. They are miles ahead of everyone else.

Lap 10: Reed down in the corner after triple #2. Dorner sniped him because he’s wearing red, white, and blue.

Lap 11: All Millsaps and Barcia right now. Real question: who is Colleen rooting for? Either way, it’s about 10 more joeys signing up for year-round memberships so she’s all good, I guess.

Lap 14: Barcia is all over Millsaps as they hit enough lappers to suffocate a leader’s vocal chords.

Lap 16: Barcia back on the rev limiter program, trying to find a way around Davi but it is not happening.

Lap 18: Dungey is 3rd now with Villopoto right behind him but they are still way behind the lead duo.

Lap 19: With the amount of lappers he’s encountering, Millsaps definitely enters the whoops every lap praying for Haley’s Comet to take a detour and knock them into harmless territory.

Lap 19 (cont’d): Taking Ralph and Jeff a while to realize that Villopoto went down…

Finish: Millsaps just won’t stop extending his lead. This isn’t supposed to happen, something must be broken.

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A3 For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on February 6, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Pre-race: The Dunge all the way outside. Because his shock got too baked in the heat and completely collapsed. True story.

Holeshot: Brayton sticks it in there but Alessi ripped him out and stuck himself in there. Wait, that got weird.

Lap 1: Reedy jumps it straight into Brayton and invites Villopoto to the party, too.

Lap 2: Alessi is leading Dungey, Millsaps, Canard, Stewart, Barcia. Mikey, you are out of your element.

Lap 2 (cont’d): This happened in the rhythm section. Millsaps definitely shit a brick on this one. Alessi goes down, Davi’s all good.

Lap 4: Dungey leading Millsaps but James Bubba forgot what a shitty year he’s having and is on it in 3rd.

Lap 7: Stewie ruins Davi in the whoops, into 2nd. The Dunge is running away now.

Lap 10: Villopoto in 14th. Just showed the replay of his crash with Alessi, what they didn’t show was him straight Hulking Alessi’s bike off of his.

Lap 11: Whatever wind was in James’ sails is long gone. Millsaps and Barcia are all over him.

Lap 12: Barcia’s rear fender is flapping around all over the place. Looks like Honey Boo Boo’s mom trying to do pilates in a tee shirt. Just gross.

Lap 14: Stew misses the triple into the rhythm section, hands 2nd to Davi. No mistakes in the top 3 BRO, you should know that.

Lap 17: Canard and Tickle going at it for 7th. Villopoto 9th. Not exciting but I ran out of shit to say.

Lap 18: Stewart blows it in the rhythm section again and this time Barcia takes advantage. Told you there’s no mistakes in the top 3, BRO.

Lap 20: The Dunge taking it slow. Don’t need that shock caving in right now.

Finish: Dungey all day. 2nd in the LCQ to Dr. Boner Air, Jimmy Albertson, to winning the main. That actually happened.

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Oakland For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on January 30, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Pre-race: Ralph talking about how it could get weird in the morning. I knew it. And Dianna has the best “fuck me” eyes since Jenna Jameson. Fact.

Holeshot: Brayton first to the turn, but Villopoto swoops in then destroys Brayton in the whoops.

Lap 1: Reed gets into Grant then into Stewart and Dungey moves over and gets into Barcia and Canard is collected in that mix-up somehow, too. Villopoto must have rescued a puppy with cancer this week or something.

Lap 2: That green flag might as well have been the checkers. Villopoto is outro. #BayAreaLingo

Lap 2 (cont’d): Ralph – “He’s got that red number plate because…he is the points leader.” Very good, RS. Fro, give him a cookie.

Lap 3: Millsaps up the inside of Brayton in the whoops. You don’t tussle with Davi in the whoopdedos

Lap 4: Interviewing James now. His jersey looks like a leather vest. We’re in Oakland, BRO, not San Francisco.

Lap 5: Dungey stuck behind Goerke. Look for a PR on Butler Bros losing the KTM deal this week.

Lap 6: Dungey is stepping on to the 2nd table in the rhythm section, rather than over it like almost everyone. The Dunge’s line is way faster.

Lap 8: Villopoto gets tossed sideways in the 2nd whoops section but it was somehow faster. If you programmed a robot to ride a dirt bike perfectly, it couldn’t do that.

Lap 10: Canard sittin’ sideways on the Honda 450. Actually he’s falling. Like a boss!

Lap 11: The Dunge is sick of the bullshit. Takes out Brayton. A thousand Target gift cards are coming his way, so it’s all good.

Lap 14: Vince Friese has the best line in the rhythm section, and everyone who catches up to him eventually starts doing it. It’s like copying off the retarded kid in class and getting it right. Privateers aren’t retarded, it was just an analogy that I couldn’t pass up.

Lap 15: Case in point: Canard just got up to Alessi’s rear wheel using the Friese line – wheelie out of the sand, then step-on step-on step-off. Alessi hasn’t seen that line yet. Canard up to 4th (!)

Lap 16: General rule of thumb that I just thought of: Any line that incorporates a wheelie is better. Just ask Chino.

Lap 17: Shorty is sitting 7th. Probably just sold more Hondas than anyone. Get that commission check, BRO.

Lap 19: Villopoto’s suspension is so dialed. It’s worth more than your first born child, so it ought to be, I suppose.

Finish: Villopoto crushes it. 20/20 in BROakland.

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Phoenix For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on January 16, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Pre-race: RC – “There’s a lot of time to be made if you can keep that wheel from not spinning.” And Fro says the word “regroup” like he has a mouthful of peanut butter. Words aren’t not hard.

Holeshot: Millsaps and Barcia wheel to wheel across the line. The Dunge realizing why qualifying through the LCQ is like eating food through your asshole. He’s off track.

Lap 2: Barcia leading. Villopoto spins out in the turn that is being a real see you next Tuesday out there. He’s back to 8th, right behind James.

Lap 3: Stew and Villopoto split Grant in the whoops. There are not two people on the planet he’d rather avoid racing with in a whoops section.

Lap 4: Random observation – it’s amazing how riders progress on the track through the day. The big quad after the second triple was huge in practice. Now everyone who does not hit it is a huge pussy. Oh, and Villopoto’s all over Stewart.

Lap 6: Stewart miscues the same corner that Villopoto joe’d in. He drops to 7th.

Lap 7: Weimer hits the quad after the whoops, Villopoto triples it. Villopoto passes Weimer. This does not add up. Big air = winning. Everyone knows that.

Lap 7 (cont’d): No one mentions this but Villopoto is jumping into the berm where Davalos ate shit earlier, while everyone else soaks up the jump. Villopoto’s line is fast as fuck.

Lap 9: Villopoto now all over Canard and Reed in third. Barcia meanwhile is out like Ralph in a gay bar. #gotem

Lap 10: Battle for third has caught Millsaps. I’ve always said foursomes are great in both porn and moto.

Lap 11: Reed about 6 inches away from an endo that his grandchildren would have felt. Stays up but gets passed by Trey.

Lap 13: Villopoto around Reed for 4th. The crowd goes as wild as it can get for a pass for 4th.

Lap 14: Trey around Millsaps for 2nd. Villopoto all over them. Barcia still gonzo.

Lap 15: Fully thought that Villopoto was passing Davi in the whoops, but Millsaps straight cavemanned his way through that shit. RV gained nothing.

Lap 15 (cont’d): Villopoto stuffs a wheel on Davi and fucks up his rhythm. Poto makes the pass.

Lap 18: Villopoto on Canard for 2nd, both have left Millsaps. And apparently James Stewart was in this race at one point.

Lap 20: Canard comes up short on the last triple in the big rhythm, falls then pulls the accidental ghostride getting up. On the last lap. He knows he’s the joe of the moto.

Finish: All Barcia. Dollar dollar bills, y’all.

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A1 For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on January 9, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Pre-race: No one knows what the funk is going to happen. No one.

Holeshot: Millsaps grabs it. Hey wow, Davi’s leading. Good for him. Sure it won’t last long though.

Lap 1: The first whoops section is as NFG as NFG gets, because there are just big enough that holding it wide open through them is sketchy, but the real sickos do it anyway.

Lap 2: Top four pulling away. Villopoto is working in about 12th, hating his life one speck of roost at a time.

Lap 3: Jeff says the word “parity” a lot. It’s one of those smart sounding buzzwords that most people don’t actually understand. A classic announcing technique. Oh, and Villopoto is in 10th or something.

Lap 4: RV now directly behind James Bubba, who is flacidly working his way around the track in 9th. And yes, flacidly is the only word I would use to describe it, and it is not even a word.

Lap 5: Villopoto tries to jump past Grant on the outside after the first rhythm. It was a bad idea, probably because that never works ever. Off the track.

Lap 5 (cont’d): Villopoto skips the whole next section getting back on the track. But he rides for Monster so it’s all good.

Lap 6: Millsaps is still in the lead. Good for him, that’s basically like a win for him. Canard and Barcia are right there though.

Lap 7: Alessi all jacked up. His handlebars look like Tony melted them with his mind. Oh no, I’m done for.

Lap 8: You know you are a boss when people are afraid to pass you. Dungey is not making any moves on Barcia, because Justin hasn’t given a fuck since he exited the birth canal.

Lap 9: Villopoto trying to go inside of Stewart on the triple out of the turn and seatbounces himself into oblivion on a Thor tuffblock. If you crash on your own sponsor’s tb, it shouldn’t count. They should stop the race and let you get back in position. That would mix shit up.

Lap 12: This race has been the best ever with no passes made. It’s like staring at all the Christmas presents under the tree and knowing that, eventually, you are going to open them all.

Lap 13: Canard and Barcia are airforking the shit out of the wall stepdown thing. Nasty scrubs.

Lap 14: Villopoto one gloving it. Call him Michael Jackson. Watch out kids.

Lap 15: Dungey washes the front end like a boss. Carmichael seen’t it. He seen’t it.

Lap 17: Canard around Millsaps on the inside after the NFG whoops and triple. The crowd goes wild. Barcia meanwhile crossrutted the double before that section and ate shit.

Lap 17 (cont’d): Ralph claiming Millsaps is a privateer, another shining example of how that term is looser than his mom.

Lap 18: Showing the progressive pass of the race right now (Canard’s on Millsaps). Jumping the gun a little bit…

Lap 19: Canard misses the huge quad. This is a crucial mistake that no one has mentioned.

Lap 20: Millsaps literally screaming “NFG!!” as he holds it wide open in the whoops and passes Canard in the exact same spot he was passed. No one is even breathing right now.

Finish: Millsaps wins. Wait…what?! Read more »

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Monster Energy Cup For Assholes

Posted on October 23, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Main Event 1

Pre-race: Only half the gates fall on the first drop. Guy responsible for the starting gates just had to take an enema from a Monster can. Only joes use the clutch anyway, so it’s a moot point.

Holeshot: Grant takes the holey, which actually occurs in the third turn, because this race is so edgy and non-conformist and cool. Dungey and Villopoto are 2-3.

Lap 2: Barcia’s on the Tokyo Drift program off the side of the track in 4th while Dungey is only just beginning to figure out what KTM problems really are.

Lap 3: Villopoto into the lead and pulling away, because ACLs are overrated.

Lap 4: Dungey around Grant then the KTM 450 decides it’s done shifting – because it’s on its period. Grant and Barcia get around.

Lap 5: Dungey decides to take matters into his own hands and suicide shifts the bike in the air while getting face deep in his handle bars, all the while over clearing the shit out of the triple like a boss.

Lap 7: Finally seeing Reed in the mix. RC’s nickname for him is double deuce. Because we’re in Vegas, the only place where deuce means something other than “shit”.

Lap 8: Villopoto is launching the double after the triple about 50 feet past the landing, because only pussies give a fuck about where the landing of a double is, no matter what.

Lap 9: It turns out Alessi is using audio communication in his helmet this race, because Tony knows that the only thing that’s been missing in his son’s career is his voice in his ear at all times.

Lap 10: Villopoto wins, Barcia 2nd, Dungey 3rd. Tomac passed Reed on the last lap because it turns out he’s a total savage and just decided to ride the 450 like he doesn’t give a fuck who’s in front of him.

Main Event 2

Holeshot: Villopoto has it and people just started turning the channel.

Lap 2: Then of course, Villopoto completely headshakes himself into no man’s land and rocks his dome. Call the desert racers and get a steering stabilizer on that bitch, pronto. ‘Poto now looks like he’s on the losing end of a 5th of Vodka.

Lap 3: Alessi gets around Dungey for the lead, but it won’t last long because Tony is literally screaming in his ear “Don’t fuck up. Don’t fuck up. Don’t fuck up.”

Lap 4: Dungey reaching down again to shift his bike. DeCoster feverishly writing on the pit board “Dude, that’s NOT faster”. Turns out he has to do it because, you know, #KTMproblems. Barcia passes Dungey and Reed in the same turn, a good sign that 2013 won’t suck big time.

Lap 6: Barcia into the lead. Tony continues to yell obscenities. Dungey continuing to practice shift grabs for his FMX debut.

Lap 8: Reed down. Ralph actually tries to offer some analysis of how it happened. RC and Jeff shut him down simultaneously, because Ralph is going to hurt himself.

Lap 9: Alessi got around Barcia when JB used the Joker Lane, and now Barcia gets him back and Alessi has him tee’d up but doesn’t pull the trigger. Fro commenting on Alessi’s weird hand signals.

Lap 10: Barcia wraps it up with a boss one footer (don’t say #legswag, it’s way too hipster)

Main Event 3

Holeshot: Alessi grabs it and sends about 3 tuff blocks onto the track to take some BROs out for good measure.

Lap 2: Karma’s a bitch and Alessi completely joe’s a tuff block after the Lance Armstrong whoops (That’s a whoop section on steroids). Dungey into the lead.

Lap 4: Barcia and Tomac are hounding Dungey, who’s all “What the fuck’s going on here?”

Lap 5: Tomac took the Joker Lane last lap, which means he’s vibing his swagger so hard that he thinks he can get back up to those guys and pass them when they use it. Like a boss.

Lap 7: Barcia into the lead, Tomac into 2nd as Dungey hit the Joker Lane.

Lap 9: Barcia into the Joker Lane, Tomac into the lead. ET looking smart as fuck.

Lap 10: Tomac wins it, Barcia wins the overall with 2-1-2 and $100K. By the looks of the screen grab up top, the moto hoes of this era work a lot faster, because we’re definitely getting a look at the vinegar strokes right there.

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You Know What This Is? It’s My New Fuckin’ Hair Cut

Posted on October 23, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink


Just as I was sitting down to write MEC For Assholes, I saw this and realized I never commented on it. I know, BRO completely dropped the ball. I’m going to tell you right now that while I’m having a great time making fun of this, I think it’s a total power move. More and more riders do this and it’s all just to say “Um, yeah, I can pull pussy with my head looking like I’m going in for brain surgery in 10 minutes.” Say what you want about RV, but his wife is a dime piece cougar and this demonstrates that he knows she’s not going anywhere. Getting a ridiculously lopsided undercut is the modern day equivalent of being a really fat guy in medieval times. It’s like saying “Hey, if I can look like this, then I either have an 8 figure bank account or a 13 inch cock that grants wishes when stimulated. Fuck with me.” Hey BROski, 2 Heinekens.

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BRO Top 5: Drinking Games Of The Outdoors That Will Get You Hammered

Posted on May 17, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Holeshot BeerBefore SX, we gave you the top 5 Drinking Games. Now it’s time to go outdoors, and get drunk all over again.

1. Drink when Dungey or Stewart win. Drinking Frequency: 24 times per season. Drink of Choice: Champagne. This is a gimme, a fail-safe. It’s a game that ensures that you will be drinking, and that is pretty much all that we want here. Will it definitely be 24? Maybe, only time will tell. 20+ though, take that to the bank.

2. Drink every time you see a replacement rider. Drinking Frequency: 4-5 times per race. Drink of Choice: Kamikazes. After running through the gauntlet of Supercross, a lot of guys cannot say they made it out the other side. And some guys just say “Fuck nationals” and contract Epstein-Barr. Regardless, teams need the sponsorship dollars coming in, so it’s time to sort through the bargain bin and grab a rider who is just going to go for it, no fucks given.

3. Drink when someone asks where Villopoto or Reed is. Drinking Frequency: 5 times per race. Drink of Choice: Whiskey. If you’ve never been to a national, let me break something down for you: The average fan is a complete fucking moron. That’s all there is to it. Like, how in this day of technology, when you can literally find out with the click of a button what a rider’s shit looks like on a daily basis (soft-serve ice cream today, thank you) can someone be so ignorant. Drink whiskey, it’s an angry beverage. Then punch that asshole in the face.

4. Just drink at Red Bud. Drinking Frequency: A lot. Drink of Choice: Bud Light. There are two reasons to not drink at Red Bud – 1) Your throat is bleeding because you yelled “Red Buuuud” too often, or 2) You are in a state of exhaustion from drinking so much. Actually in either case, drinking more will probably remedy the situation.

5. Drink when Random Hero complains about the track. Drinking Frequency: 10 times per race. Drink of Choice: W[h]ine. All too often at Nationals, random hero shows his ugly face and expects to win. The ugly truth, unfortunately, is that he sucks. He rode a highway track at home and put down some laps, and thinks he’s got it; time to go get famous. But when he gets off practice and is sitting pretty with a solid 60th, he knows where to point fingers.

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