[note from Eazy: I decided that since I could not stay neutral on this rating (these girls are the reason I didn't sleep outside at Houston) that I would hand the reigns to my new guest contributors, MarcoBROlo and MotoUr(.)(.)s. I might have them do all of these from now on because this shit is fucking hilarious.]
File under: Two’s company, three’s a threesome, Six is a Sex Picnic. Now most of you are going to look at these broads and think “certified smokes” right away. These girls are crafty like ice is cold. Since Eazy is being lazy as fuck I get this workload dumped on me, bear with me while I break down each one (starting from the left).
Hair:
1. Straight black and shoulder length screams I have no unique style. Hence the fedora, circa 2008. Hey bitch, it’s 2012. Get with the times.
2. Killing it. Slight curl, some color mixed in, rocking the flow. This chick is screaming to get fucked.
3. You are such a rebel with your blonde hair, aren’t you? And that streak of black contrasting the scorched white is so artsy I might need a glass of wine to view it. What the fuck?
4. See #2. Rocking it straight into my bedroom. Atta girl. A for effort.
5. I see you sneaky #5. Looking like a natural color. Unlike 2 or 4, I actually have to buy you two drinks before we sleep together. Well played.
6. Put a little elbow work into your style game and maybe I’ll let you buy me a drink.
The Goods:
Preface: None of these women are rocking over a C cup. If they are, they need to stop rocking those baggy T’s and slip into something tighter. We’re with you for your looks, not your personality.
1. Hiding some sneaky ass game back there, don’t think I don’t see you. Showing some midriff, too. One is clearly up on her fitness game.
2. Words of advice, when you’re rocking a body like that, don’t hide in the background. Your top says I’m conservative but your legs are saying I fuck like dynamite.
3. Call me crazy but I’d like to see a little more meat on those bones. Pretty sure that this girl would snap like a twig the second the good stuff got going.
4. I feel like four is hiding some prizes. It’s a common misconception that men love the chase. We don’t, we like when you are right in our face with that shit.
5. Short girl knows whats going on. Excellent tan on some toned up legs. Something about spinning her like a top just peaks my interest.
6. Thank baby Jesus the good lord gave you a good set of legs, a damn good tan and some serious potential on that rack. Way to go, Jesus!
Attire:
1. Black on black on black. Throw some color in your game. Got to give me something to grab my attention.
2. Skinny jeans are form fitting some great legs. Tighten up that shit and you might have
Monster or Rockstar ringing your line. Then you will have really made it to motosmoke stardom.
3. Your baggy shirt is making me sad. Couple that with the skull on it and now I am sad and angry. Like I just ran down a bunch of children crossing the road, and they dented my car with their mangled faces.
4. Honestly, who let you walk outside with those pants on? Turn to whichever friend from the picture you are with right now and punch her right in the face.
5. Appropriate style for a Supercross. Unfortunately for you life isn’t about practicality, it’s about bringing the heat. Save the chucks when you’re taking down the local A class BROs, this is the big leagues.
6. Deciding to rep Y&R at the track is always a good move, all the moto BROs love that shit. You have a conversation starter right there, even though no dude at the track wants to have a conversation with any girl that doesn’t start and end with “Let’s fuck”.
Misc:
1. Your body says “Lets fuck” but your face is hiding in the shadows. You’re playing mind games with me and I like it.
2. Call me when you get the gig to be an energy drink promo girl. You’re welcome.
3. You’re peacocking move is a bold tactic. I bet you are the type of girl who texts with many unnecessary letters. Those girls are always DTF.
4. Only one not rocking some sort of neck gear. Great tactic palling around with girls that got the in. That’s how you’re going to take down some pros and get some press passes.
5. There’s so much unused potential here. I am starved for flavor.
6. Hand on the hip, arching the back, sticking those tits out as far as you can. Posture is everything when you’re making up for other areas.
MotoUr(.)(.)s’ Rating:
File Under: Big Sunglasses are this generation’s Brown Paper Bag
1. First thing I noticed when I looked at you is how big your fuckin hand is, you probably make every dude you have ever been with look like they have a tic-tac between their legs, holy fuck.
2. Your highlights are red, which is always the most ambiguous color. Could mean you want to destroy me or fuck me or both. Regardless, I’m thinking it’s going to be a fun evening.
3. I can’t believe you stole your dad’s golf ball finding sunglasses, tint is perfect to make sure you get all the balls.
4. I am so not fooled by your smile you are probably as miserable as the symbol of freedom looks on the shirt you ganked from Pocahontas. I don’t know who you got to sew two different pants together but props. I see you stole a pair of 1’s shoes as well, sick style, BRO.
5. You’re tough because you kept it so simple. Why is your right thigh larger than your left? Like BROlo said, this is the big leagues, step your game up.
6. Ditch the shirt and you will do a whole lot better. Ditch all shirts for that matter, just don’t fucking wear shirts anymore those things look like they need to breathe.
Final ratings: 2/2s all around. We are down to fuck anyone, any time, any scenario.
File Under: She’s not even getting paid to look like a slut. Listen toots, if you’re going to dress like that, take a lesson from promo sluts, strippers, and hookers; at least get paid for wearing nothing.
