Unless you have been living under a rock for the past week, then you no doubt have noticed that your Twitter and Instagram and Myspace and Friendster have been inundated with photographic evidence of the return of Jason Lawrence. It has basically become an annual tradition for the rumors to pop up that the elusive mind-fuck that is J-Law would be returning to the scene, but this year, finally, it might actually be legit.
I have pretty much covered all that I have to say about J-Law back in the Droppin’ Science: Who Is Jason Lawrence? article, but since I know most of you won’t click through to that because America is lazy as shit, I am going to touch on a couple of points here: J-Law is awesome. He has maintained a huge fanbase in this sport through one championship, but that might as well be nothing. Not to detract from what he has done, it is just not why we remember him. J-Law was a cold blooded killer on a motorcycle who could still make you look like a bitch at the after party. That doesn’t happen anymore. Either you are a complete burnout, or you are a robot. J-Law was the one who could ride a 30+2 then head into the woods between motos for some activities, and still come back and crush it. He was a normal dude, but he beat Dungey and Villopoto (not a lot, but he did straight up more than once). Straight raw talent. Did he take it a little too far on the NFG spectrum? Perhaps, but now he’s tentatively back, so it might all just be a chapter in the epic tale of bad assery that is the life of Jason Lawrence. Do I think he’ll do well? Not really. But all the fans need to see is a top 3 start and about 4 solid laps before they are overflowing the bandwagon once again. Legend.
Final Rating: Who gives a shit? That’s Jason fucking Lawrence.
In honor of the glimmering ball of amazing that is Kevin Windham, we are digging into the archives for this special edition of RTS. I mean, this is classic K-Dub – style for days yet not even trying. Guy in the orange is so mesmerized by the vortex at the bottom of his skid plate that he thinks this is a Pink Floyd album cover, and I am legitimately jealous. I mean, you know your scrub is retarded when you could legitimately hand drag the top of the jump with very little effort. The Windham era is over. The Mayans were only a few weeks off.
I think we can close the book on RTS. I mean, where do we go from here? At what point does a media mogul stop and realize that the bar just cannot be raised any higher? I mean, when Ryan Villopoto’s long lost backwoods twin is hammering out no gear scrubs in your face, it is just irresponsible to ignore it. The fact that this photo is grainy as shit is even better. This is like a Bigfoot sighting or something; I am positive that the guy who snapped this photo is fit for the loony bin, just because that’s how life works – only the crazies actually see crazy shit. And this some crazy shit. Left the “is” out for effect, like a boss.
Final rating:NFG/2. Ratings are for the Establishment.
This is fairly new territory for RTS. We have one rider who is basically a heavy hitter on the Am scene and on the precipice of factory pro status (well, factory support at least), and one rider who is a complete unknown. I say he’s a complete unknown because I haven’t heard of him, and trust me, I’ve heard of everybody. Of course, since BRO has a clout unmatched by anyone else in the industry, I’m taking this kid from Canadian obscurity right into super stardom.
Both of these shred magicians were B riders this year and if that makes you feel bad, don’t worry. The way this sport works, if you are a legitimate B rider, be prepared to get murdered by about a thousand kids at an Am Nat that could probably top 20 in the outdoors. I mean, just look at those scrubs – style for days with an attitude to match. Just from the photo I can tell that Dylan Wright slays honeys in the backdoor then makes them ride their bicycle home afterward, like a fucking boss.
This photo was submitted by one of the BROs with the subject “This is why you don’t hire locals to pit for you during the Baja 1000″, but I really could not disagree more. Say what you want about Mexicans, but they go for it. I mean, give these guys like a day to get acclimated and I guarantee they are running the pit like it’s a Taco Bell. Day 1, sure, there are going to be some hiccups. No one can be perfect right out of the gate (especially black shirt on the left who is presumably attempting to smother the flames in gasoline). It’s all about harnessing that Mexican potential. It’s also worth learning a little bit of the Mexican dialect, because I’m pretty sure the words for “Fuel the bike” and “Douse me in lighter fluid” are dangerously similar. Remember BROs, you’re responsible for your own pit crew. I think Mexicans are loaded with potential, they just happen to live in a place where the drug and human trafficking and nap-time industries are the real fast tracks to success. Sorry I’m not sorry. I love to racism.
This photo has been going around for the past week and even though I have no idea who it is and I’m pretty sure it’s a couple years old, it’s never too late for an RTS. A lot of what makes a good scrub is showmanship. Every racer knows that a scrub has its purposes as far as speed goes, but really, a lot of the reason that you do it is because it makes you look cool and makes women want your shit in their area. A distinct aura of pizzazz can be the difference between a modest smile bar turn and a panty-removing mega scrub. This kid has pizzazz for days; leg out, skidplate above seat, and in the middle of a look back to let the camera know how awesome he is. Probably had this shit on rev limiter the whole time, too. It may not make any difference at all as far as speed is concerned, but it definitely sends the signal that you are a testosterone-driven alpha male ninja and that is all that anyone really cares about. It’s all a mind game in moto.
I give it a hard 2/2 because any woman with any level of self-respect (preferably none) would get down with this scrub.
P.S. – This is Europe all the way. At least 3 dead giveaways in the photo.
Just….like….wow. Everyone who thought they were cool dragging footpeg in a scrub, let it be known that the new standard is dragging muffler and anyone who doesn’t is a little bitch that listens to One Direction in the dark and touches themselves. Really, this is the hardest 2/2 I’ve ever given for this type of scrub, that of course being the type where the rider looks like a dog taking a piss on a fire hydrant. Oh yeah, and if that dirt was a woman, I’ll bet it would make the fuck out of a sandwich. That’s how good it looks.
Final Rating: 2/2. That’s the type of scrub you bring home to mom and dad for Thanksgiving.
I’m seriously wondering right now. Way too many people are sending this over for a Rate That Scrub. Have you ever actually seen a photo of somebody riding a bike? Or a photo of any action shot whatsoever? I mean seriously, what kind of a beautiful mind do you have to be to realize that this isn’t actually a scrub? Just a BRO laying his bike down for the camera. Nothing wrong with it, I like to pretend things too, but it’s not really a scrub. The fucking tire is not even moving, kids. Come on, internet. You’re better than that. Ok, no you’re not, but still.
I really wanted to save this for next week, but so many people have sent me these two shots in the past couple of days that it just had to be done. You need to strike when the iron’s hot, and I couldn’t let these ones cool down too much. So here we have it, a double RTS showdown week. And this time, it’s personal.
We have a real RTS of Nations on our hands now, with the American favorite Cole Seely, fresh off getting his internal organs whack-a-mole’d into the some weird hospital employee’s basement, and the challenger from America’s favorite hat, Jeremy Medaglia. This youngblood has been throwing down for years and doesn’t give a fuck how close his throttle gets to the ground, because that’s what being a boss is all about. As for the scrubs, you can’t ignore the fact that Medaglia is about halfway through his arc and still close enough to the ground to kill a stray infant. But Cole has the scrub form totally dialed. Weight back, bike flat, swagger for days, as if to say “I’m better than you, and I know it.” Fuck yeah America, fuck yeah. Polls are open…
It’s a scrub-off. We got a scrub-off everybody. I spotted the former shot on the interweb over the weekend, from KROC, and immediately thought of the Osborne sicko scrub from a few months ago during the GP season. I mean, being real here, Osborne’s is a clear-cut favorite. But you have to give this other kid some points (I have no idea who it is). Kid is the definition of the scrappy underdog. Old gear and helmet, Gaernes looking like what’s left of a meth addict’s teeth. But he don’t give a fuck, he’ll still toss some shit and knock all of your teeth out while he’s doing it. We’ll take this one to the polls, and I’m going to give the first one to this kid. No name, no problem.
Update: Random Hero is actually Scotty Clark. Keep doing you, scooter. I also noticed something that is worth mentioning: A key aspect to any scrub is the plane on which the seat and skidplate line up. Scotty running the more favorable plane. Scotty Skidplates is doing it.