The announcer completely made this video for me. These mountain bike dudes are writing the book on entertaining commentary. And even though the crash is 19 seconds into the video, at least watch 1:50 – “I’m sure his neck is going to feel like it’s on Viagra tomorrow.” Neck boners for days BRO.
I’m not saying that if you throw a BRO shout out in your video, I am automatically going to blog it. I am saying, however, that if you throw a couple of double backies AND a BRO shout out in your video, I will blog it. Unless your video sucks. This one did not. #NoFucksGiven
From ABC – A California man blames his motorcycle seat for a painful erection he said lasted nearly two years. Henry Wolf, 52, is now suing BMW of North America, the motorcycle’s manufacturer, and Corbin-Pacific, the maker of the seat, for lost wages, medical expenses and emotional distress. According to his attorney, Vernon Bradley, Wolf took a four-hour ride – two hours each way – on his 1993 motorcycle on May 1, 2010. After the trip, he developed priapism, a prolonged, unwanted, persistent and painful erection of the penis that for Wolf has lasted 24 hours a day since the ride. “It’s very embarrassing, and all kind of problems developed,” Bradley told ABC News. “He had to reconfigure his clothing, and going to the bathroom was a problem.”
This story is going big on the internet right now. Not MX but a bunch of people have sent it to me so I’ll take that as the go ahead to start talking about it. In America you can pretty much sue anyone for anything, and moreover you can pretty much win any legal dispute regardless of how absurd your claims are. However, this is still a head-scratcher to me. Half of this guy’s claim is that he had a permanent boner, and I get it that it would be tremendously inconvenient to walk around all day with a loaded gun ready to pop off in the trousers. But this dude is 52. I’m pretty sure there are 52 year olds that would kill for that sort of problem. Which leads me to the second claim in the lawsuit, which is that now the guy cannot get a boner. So you are telling me that after 2 years, your boner just up and vanished? Sweet BRO, or it’s just that you are 52. There is a multi-billion dollar industry built around the fact that old guys like you don’t think their wives are hot anymore. Everyone always needs a scapegoat in this country. Investigating this case should take about 10 minutes: dude was getting some on the side (or developed a porn addiction), so he was psyched about it all the time and skipping work to fuck his new chick, then that ended and his fat wife grew suspicious as to why he couldn’t ever get it up anymore, and it was the motorcycle? Sorry BRO, but I’m on to you.
This fight is such a let-down. First of all, why would you get into a fight in the stands? That right there says that you are really just a bitch who wanted to talk shit and got yourself in way too deep, same with the other guy. Take it outside and bring some glass shards or trash cans or other makeshift weapons into the picture like real sickos. I will give credit for ruining the experience for the fans around you though; that is mandatory action for a BRO who has been crushing $10 Budweisers all night. Everything that you do is more interesting than everything that happens on the track, anyway.
P.S. I have no idea how anyone could have the stones to take a swing at Monster shirt guy. Like, you are staring in the face of a guy who has clearly marked how legit he is, and you still think you can fight him. True balls of steel.
P.P.S. Upon further inspection, dude who took a swing at Monster guy is clearly decked out in Rockstar apparel. So he has the proper street cred to be actin’ a fool up in this bitch.
We are going to ease into the week with a little non-moto for the kids. One of the NZed BROs sent this over this weekend and while the actual footage was not much to get excited about, the guy in yellow is a boss for the hall of fame. GoPro dude definitely thought that since he is the faster rider that he could just run this show like usual. But homie don’t play that game. Mess with the bull and you get the horns. Even though we can’t see any of the actual fight, the old dude in yellow won, no question. Sent that bitch home with his tail between his legs while he continues to casually walk his bike up mellow inclines. Like a boss.
Since quad whip video came out, a lot of quadtards have been in touch to try to defend themselves. Most of them just got all pissed off and did not really have any content to their argument, just flared nostrils and veins popping out of their knowledge-starved heads. A few people were all “Oh well you guys ride bikes that only weigh 250 pounds, we are on real machines.” Seriously? That is seriously your argument? You ride heavier shit, so you are more bad ass? I mean, it makes sense to me that they actually think that way now – quad BROs are usually fat fucks and usually have sex with equally fat bitches. But that is just more bad ass – nothing cool about having sex with a slender girl with nice curves and good handling. Anyway, I present this video as evidence that the weight argument is not only retarded, but does not even hold up to scrutiny. Snowmobiles basically weigh as much as a small RV and these dudes are sending whips like it’s no one’s business. Quads just suck; they are built like a goddamn Tundra, so you cannot whip them. I say again that quads are just a truck’s lesbian cousin that the family secretly makes fun of at Thanksgiving.
I challenge anyone to prove that this dude did not land it. That Russian motherfucker rode the front end for a quarter mile then dropped the back wheel down just in time to slug some vodka and fire off a few rounds with the AK. Seat bounce swag for days and not giving a fuck about it. The man has sandbags on the back of that bitch just so he can get maximum seat bounce swag out of every opportunity he has. Ivan Dochenko would be proud.
Sometimes it’s difficult for me to come up with the title of a post. This one just flowed right out like that time of the month when it’s dangerous to let a girl blow you because she’ll literally bite your dick off. Seriously, describe this video in three words? “Drifting and shit” is exactly what you just thought, right? Yeah, I am a wordsmith of wordsmiths. My mind’s my nine, my pen’s my mac-10. Now get me some Battlesex stickers right fucking now.
How long until one of the moto videographers poaches this song? I’m thinking it will happen 20 minutes ago.