Take that, Renthal and Pro-Taper. You just got absolutely smoked in the handlebar game. That’s your bread and butter, and you basically just lost 90% market share to Munkey Barz. If we look at the handlebar market as a whole, it’s no contest. How are we just now hearing about a product like this? Best money making opportunity I have seen since marketing kitchen appliances to women. I mean, good bye arm pump, that is a thing of the past. Your grand kids will be ripping 30+2s all day long, and when you tell them about arm pump, they’ll be all “Sorry grandpa, can’t hear you, I’m currently fucking this chick with these dope handlebars.” It’s taking sport fucking to a whole new level. We made it to the future, everyone.
I think the real question is when does one of the TFs take delivery of about a thousand of these things. Because you know those training facilities, they try to take anything and everything that used to be fun and make it a training exercise. And we of course know that there is a stable of desperate pirate hookers at each of them looking to baby daddy the fuck out of the next factory ripper. So why fight it? Might as well get these dudes running form drills while drilling said pirate hooker. It’s just the logical move. I mean, these are not the times to be taking faux moral high ground; if it gets results, you need it. And nightly Munkey Bar training will produce champions the way Mitch Payton dreams he could.
If you look closely, you can see how terrified Blake is to even be holding it
From Transworld Biz – The Federal Drug Administration (FDA) has released incident reports linking the consumption of Monster Energydrinks to the deaths of five people over the past three years. The reports have been made public, and the subject of much debate, after they were obtained by Wendy Crossland, mother of the late fourteen-year-old Anais Fournier who died last year from heart arrhythmia after drinking Monster over two consecutive days, according to a report by The New York Times.
This story is actually breaking news because it went public a couple of weeks ago and it’s since been gaining some ground. I didn’t blog anything before because I knew it was all bullshit, but now I’m starting to see a pattern here. This all started coming out like a week after Red Bull Stratos, and at some point, we have to get on the Illuminati mentality and stop writing it off as coincidence. I mean, we cannot rule out the idea that this is all a big publicity stunt by Monster. And it seriously might be one of the best marketing techniques to come out of the energy drink era (the BRO era, if you will). Like, hey Red Bull, you got a guy to jump out of a balloon in space; that’s cute. Our drink kills people. That’s fucking extreme. Go play with your balloons at the kiddie table.
On the real, how many people are going to go buy a can of Monster just wondering if there might be a chance that they die? I’m not even saying that they want to die; we just need to reiterate the fact that normal people’s lives suck. They buy energy drinks as an adrenaline rush, that’s how terrible it is for them. And I am 100% serious when I say that there is a significant contingent of suburban America that will actually try one drink over another purely off the knowledge that it might have killed people. Same reason that everyone was on the bath salts kick after face eater made the big time. That shit was so mainstream it practically had a celebrity endorser. Completely genius, Mad Men type shit going on over there.
It has been floating around all week that Jessy Nelson would be skipping LL and doing the Barcia/Tomac and just showing up at Hangtown. Now it is o-fucking-fficial and I must say, I am intrigued. This kid has been on my radar since Loretta’s ’05 when he pretty much destroyed everyone in the 7-11 class, not unlike the way Mexican people destroy the taquitos at a real 7-11 like it’s a buffet. But then coming in to ’06 the dude lost his thumb (joe) and was all bent out of shape about it. Eventually he was all “Fuck thumbs” and got everything together again and now he is a certified ripper. Everyone has been telling me that he’s hauling the mail at the Cali tracks on the regular, so it will be interesting to see how he fares at H-town. I’m calling a definite top 15, with potential for a top 10 if he continues to not give a fuck, which a lot of riders have an issue with coming out of the amateurs.
From ESPN – On Wednesday the Fédération Internationale de Motocyclisme (FIM) and the International Freestyle Motocross Federation (IFMXF) announced a three-year extension of their partnership with event promoter SportPlus[...]to introduce a new event, the FIM Freestyle of Nations, debuting in 2013. “Freestyle Motocross is a very entertaining and exciting discipline combining the show element with top sport,” said FIM CEO Stéphane Desprez, in a statement on Wednesday. “The riders work hard and step up their performances with every event. Sportplus gives them the perfect showcase to battle it out for the FIM Freestyle Motocross World Championship. Creating a Freestyle of Nations event will certainly be a boost for the sport.”
You mark my words: this event will be without question the most epic freestyle moto event ever, and it will have nothing to do with the guys on the top of the board. I’m talking about team China, team Mozambique, team Sri Lanka, all throwing down everything they’ve got. If you thought the B-final at MXdN was entertaining, wait until you see the B-final at FMXdN. And they better have to ride the same course as everyone else. In that case, the first practice will be one for the books. There will be so many great videos, YouTube will melt down when they hit the web. Like, people thought there was a dead body problem at the Mexican GP, but they haven’t seen shit. Bodies everywhere, you won’t be able to sweep them off the course fast enough. Honestly, if China is not going to attend the event, I will boycott it right alongside them. Sometimes, you just have to stand up for your principles, and call me a dreamer, but I believe there should be hilariously terrible teams at the FMXdN.
Ok, something is going on with the universe that I think should be cause for alarm. Maybe there really is something to this 2012 Doomsday theory. Once I heard that the Mexican GP was not going well, I pretty much jumped under a table and braced myself for the inevitable. Let’s do a quick word association, where I will mention something and you say what comes to mind first. Ok, here we go…..Mexico. Did you think of sprawling, lush scenery underscored by a symphony of upbeat Latino professionalism? Because I know I did. Seriously, what the fuck is going on here?
I was pretty shocked to hear about the riders boycotting the qualifying motos. I mean, a few dead bodies on the side of the road and a dust storm of biblical proportions should not be a hindering factor in a rider’s focus on race day. Maybe they are getting soft in the contemporary era. Back in the day, dudes would have been scooping up bodies and throwing them on the track, just to add a little spice to the mix. I feel like if the founding fathers of moto heard about this they would put out their lit cigarettes on our arms, then spit mouthfuls of flaming absinthe in our crying faces.
Oh, and absolutely worth noting: The American rider toughed it out and rode the qualifying race. Fuck you, every other country in the world, you are all pussies. This is why America wins everything all the time, ever – when the going gets tough, we get going. Sitting on your asses, eating Nutella, sipping a macchiato is no way to make it to the top, Euros. And no one cares that the Euros eventually won the GP. Didn’t even know that happened. Completely insignificant, I might even be making it up, I don’t know.
Well, it’s official: Bubbsy is Suzuki now. More importantly, he’s riding the same brand that I ride now, so all of a sudden I understand he is the most unstoppable force of athleticism and virility to ever grace this sport with his presence (just like Mike Alessi). Seriously, though, why do people root for riders based on the brand of bike they ride if they don’t actually have a vested interest in that brand’s success? Not important, these are just the things I think about.
I basically talked about all of this a couple of weeks ago when I pretty much knew this was happening because I’m such a boss. I am pretty sure you could literally paint a Yamaha yellow and call it a Suzuki and James would do better on the bike. I don’t buy it that the Yamaha was that bad, I just don’t. And I don’t like that bike, rode one and immediately hated it (perhaps due to the fact that it belonged to some 200lb guy who ran bars tall enough to lynch a, well, someone you’d lynch). But the JGR BROs are nerding it up in that race shop all day, every day; test tubes and animal experimentation and shit. They can make a bike work. But James didn’t think so, and that’s all that it took. To take a line from every terrible office manager that’s ever existed – whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right. Oh, what? That just happened; droppin’ bombs on your ass, again.
I guess Stewart is riding for pretty much nothing, at least this summer, but let’s be real, in the long run, it is going to be way more profitable. The JGR deal was one he made based on short term dollars and cents, since he already hated the Yamaha. Regardless of whether he really thought they could make the bike better, he was passing on a bike he liked for a bike he hated. Dollar dollar bills, y’all. But putting down results now is what he needs, so the cash can flow in down the line.
I’m leaving you all with this video because I swear to God this was the first thing I thought of when I saw the pic of that Suzuki:
Update: So apparently the trailer was not part of the package as we were originally led to believe. I’m leaving all of this shit up though, because I don’t give a fuck. People don’t come to this site for facts anyway.
We know whoever did this is an asshole, let’s get that out of the way right off the bat. I want this thing to be found and all that. GL’s team doesn’t need this shit. But this thief has some fucking balls, right? You have to be a sick motherfucker to say “I’m going to steal an entire semi that is logo’d up to the nines.” I mean, a blind person could identify that thing. And that is totally ignoring the fact that stealing a semi is next to impossible due to the handling restrictions alone. Good luck making a get away if anything goes wrong, you would be on foot in an instant. Not a good look for eluding the authorities. It has to be close by though, no? The dudes who did it had to have known that the second the call went out for it, they’d be fucked if it wasn’t inside. Cops would be on the radio like “Be on the lookout for a blue…oh there it is.” So unless they were confident that no one would be the wiser for a few hours, they had to have stashed it quickly.
If you have any info regarding the whereabouts of the rig please call the team’s race shop (951) 471-8205 as well as the Perris Police Department (951)-210-1000.
James Stewart is claiming (but not really) that he is in for Hangtown now. And all my sources (which I may or may not have made up, you’ll never know) say there is not a chance it is on a JGR bike. We know that James has had a Suzuki at his house this whole year just cold chilling in the garage, waiting for his Yamaha to reject him the way it always does, like a heartless bitch.
Pretty much everyone is tweeting/emailing this to me saying “Of course he’s in now that RV is out.” Who gives a fuck? Seriously BRO, who gives a fuck? Now the nationals are going to be better, that’s all there is too it. Even if for just one race (provided James actually shows up), they will be better. Like I said before, James needs the outdoors to calm himself down; there is way more room for error out there so he can get himself away from the code red that is undoubtedly going off in his brain 24 hours a day right now. And at least now we have James and The Dunge to hold down the 450 class. I really don’t think that Dungey has anything for Stewart if James is riding 100%, but that’s an “if” the size of Khloe Kardashian’s stack of McDonald’s receipts.
So Chaparral is getting back in the mix with Shorty. Turns out winning races attracts sponsors. Just hop on that bandwagon and ride it out, that’s first day shit in Sponsorship 101.
How pissed are the BROs at Supercross.com? Just dump all this money into this team, then drop it because the results weren’t really coming in with an injured rider and why the hell does a website need to have a race team, anyway? Then he goes and wins. Legitimately one of the most “out-of-nowhere” wins in recent history, too. That’s the type of win that makes those people think “Wow, maybe we are just catastrophic failures.” Then you go to comfort them and it’s like “Short won a race when we left his team,” and all you can say is “Shit, maybe you guys are the anti-success.” Don’t worry BROs, you still have that Amanda chick providing the sex appeal. I mean, every rider in the pits will drop what they are doing to do an interview with a chick they want to fuck, that is just a fact, regardless of marital/relationship status. Gotta love MX. And tits.
From MPORA -ACU Chairman Brian Higgins commented, ” Firstly, I would like to put on record the efforts of Steve Dixon over the past few years in bringing a competitive team together and all the behind the scenes work he has conducted. Unfortunately, Steve could not meet the criteria set by the ACU Motocross Committee with regards to finances with overseas riders, namely Dean Wilson in 2011. Whilst we wish to be as competitive as possible to field a podium place team, this cannot be at any cost and with potentially five or six leading riders who can deliver this aim, we have to work within budgets. I can confirm that each rider will have full financial support from the ACU in September”.
Well, I would say this is a surprise, but in all honesty, it isn’t. Standard redcoat behavior. They have had a stick up their ass ever since we dominated them in the Revolution and now they decide to throw a bitch fit and say that Dean can’t ride for them because it would be too expensive. I could believe that, but then they actually have the gall to say that they want to deliver a podium team. Here’s a list of UK riders who have podium potential at the MXdN, minus Deano: Tommy Searle. That’s it. Don’t bullshit a bullshitter, Britain. If you really cared, you would fire ten guys to bring Dean over because he is your only hope. I mean, your tea budget alone is probably enough to get the kid to the race and back. But no, he races in America, and you guys want dudes who race on home soil. Can’t argue with the strategy, it’s a proven winner (if you’re American). It looks like the only way Deano is racing MXdN is if some random hero comes in and sponsors him to go there in a way his entire country cannot ($100 says it’s an American).
Props to this Dixon guy for telling the ACU to go fuck themselves when they would not bring Dean over.