Tag Archives: mike alessi

2012 Outdoor Nationals For Assholes


Dead on description for this season, even the map thing. All race photos cred to Ryne Swanberg @vurbswanny

Hangtown

Hangtown Start450- Stewart crushing it on the Suzuki because Yamaha quit trying after 2009 when they realized that coasting by on 4-strokes AND 2-strokes yields as much paper in a shitty economy as trying to exclusively produce good 4-strokes. Or they just got tired of giving a fuck.
250- Speaking of not giving a fuck, Baggett is back in his element after shitting the bed in SX. Seriously, kids play video games and are scared to try some of the shit that Baggett does. Roczen was leading moto 2 till the very end when he forgot that US riders don’t stop for a cig break halfway into the moto.

WMX - Just kidding

Freestone

450- Stew and The Dunge going at it and even though Dungey never passed Stewart once in either moto, shit is getting real. Maybe this season won’t suck after all…
250- Baggett is traditionally a “hangover” rider because he generally follows up a race win with a performance like Robert Downey Jr. before someone told him that days don’t actually last 37 hours when you are on coke. He actually managed to kill it but Eli Tomac got on the NFG program after Hangtown and murdered everyone.

Thunder Valley

Baggett/Roczen TV450- Stew gets spooked by a bigfoot sighting or something and proceeds to completely eat shit and mangle his hand like Robert Deniro’s character in Casino got a hold of it. Dungey goes 1-1 but the season is still looking promising since The Dunge only won by a collective 40 seconds.
250- Barcia getting in the mix with a 1-2 over Bag’s 3-1. First time all season that somebody’s won on anything other than a 1-1.

High Point

450- Stew manages to scrounge up a 5th in moto 1 and sits out moto 2 because it’s his cat’s birthday and he needs to make his favorite cake he’s hurting. Dungey takes another 1-1.
250- Tomac giving come from behind a new meaning and not even a gross sexual one. Roczen once again losing it on the last lap like a boss.

Budds Creek

450- No Stew at the Creek. Dungey destroyed the field. This is why kids play no-score T-ball, so they don’t have to deal with the emotional trauma of being shown how relatively bad they are at what they do.
250- Baggett on top of the box again.

Red Bud

Dungey RB450- The return of Stew. Does one moto and finishes a distant 3rd then takes off. But, you know, excitement!
250- Baggett rips the Leap pretty much every fucking lap, including when he has lappers littering the take off like newly-blind children who haven’t figured out the walking stick yet. He also won but that’s really a secondary take-away.

Millville

450- This is Dungey’s home track, but the second moto was way closer than that 50 second gap leads you to believe. It was a real nail biter. Also Nick Wey bit the dust when he decided to take a quick dip in the first moto.
250- Baggett crunched his bike trying to get featured on Rate That Scrub. Tomac squeaks a 3-1 past Barcia’s 2-2.

Washougal

450- Alessi actually manages to hold off Dungey in the first moto but is surprised when The Dunge has no interest in giving him a hug for roosting him and cockblocking his lines for 30 minutes. Dungey of course murders him in the 2nd moto and still wins the overall.
250- Barcia gets another 1-2 to seal the deal on win #2. I actually have to look up these 250 results because it’s difficult to remember when more than 2 people actually win in a season.

Southwick

Rattray Wick450- KTM’s totally-radical-technology gas cap comes unglued for The Dunge and he has to pit stop, which KTM sucks at. I would have had that shit gassed up in 2.5 seconds, just timed myself doing it. Rattray gets a moto win and keeps his streak alive of winning something at Southwick. But Dungey still won the overall. Again, excitement.
250- Tomac’s ride in the second moto is all you need to know about. Came from over 10 seconds back to right in the mix in about 3 laps, then smashed a tree because the Bark Busters sponsorship just didn’t work out. Baggett won.

Unadilla

450- Stew makes his return and wads the fuck up again. And Dungey probably won, I don’t know, fuck you.
250- The GP BROs like ‘dilla, probably because everyone in America hates it. Roczen finally doesn’t get passed for the lead on the last lap and Musquin wins the overall.

Steel City

450- Nothing’s happening, nothing’s happening. Something about a map.
250- Tomac goes 1-1, Baggett goes 4-4. The points gap is now 14 which is exciting as fuck compared to the other class.

Lake Elsinore

AlessiFace

Completely bullshit

450- Dungey won. 10 in a row. For fuck’s sake, is it 2013 yet?
250- Baggett wins the ‘ship, and Mitch is happy that he doesn’t have to kill someone this year. It’s literally in every employee’s contract at Pro Circuit that if the team doesn’t win a championship in a year, one lucky employee is selected to be dropped into a fiery pit in the back office. Not as a sacrifice, just so Mitch can blow off some steam.

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High Point For Gentlemen: 450 Breakdown

Photos by @vurbswanny

The pits were electric, would Stewart fare well?
Practice was out there, and now time would tell.
He rode with intensity, not giving a fuck,
Making more dudes pull over than he did in his truck.

Once practice ended, and the times came across
James was on top, with his last lap (like a boss)
Now people were talking, James was still fast
But in a 30+2, did we think he could last?

The moment arrived, gate drop, moto one
Rev limiters blaring in the heat of the sun
The 450s did roar, rendering everyone deaf
While Alessi was leading (and no, ’twas not Jeff)

In the midst of it all, James was way back,
Watching out for distractions potentially crossing the track
He just didn’t have it, it didn’t look fun
James made it to 5th and he was all done

Meanwhile out front, Dungey was gone
Having destroyed Mike Alessi and the black bike he was on
Just KTM cruising like a boss as he rode
And the field just hoping that his ride would explode

The checkers came out, The Dunge took the race
Making everyone his bitch with his late moto pace
Alessi took second, and Jake Weimer third
Fourth went to Shorty, and 5th, well, you’ve heard

Moto 2 hit the line, with Stewie not there
Many “What the fuck?”s were up in the air
His day was now finished, his glass hand was cooked
And this race just got boring by the way that things looked

The gate hit the ground, and The Dunge was up front
But T.A. was screaming “Get him, you cunt jerk”
So Mike did abide, by grabbing the line
And moving to first – It’s clobberin’ time.

For a few laps, he was good, not letting Dunge past
But we knew what was coming, and coming real fast
“I’ll never back down,” we all heard Mike shout
While Tony was whispering “Just take his ass out”

But all was for naught, as The Dunge took the lead
While Tony sat embarrassed by the son he did feed
But Mike would take second, a respectable spot
Weimer was coming, but he couldn’t be caught

There was no joy at High Point, except for KTM
Finally started winning, so you can’t make fun of them
The Dunge says “It’s fast, and electric start is nifty
But thank fucking God, it’s not a 350.”

Fin

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Hangtown For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Photo by @vurbswanny

Moto 1

Holeshot: Shorty getting back to his pre-350 form and grabbing the lead off start (although Stew got to the line first). Bubb Stew is right there. Davi Gravy running the #3 spot with Hahn behind him. The Dunge couldn’t pull the start, the carbon fiber batteries aren’t in yet.

1 Minute: Well, there goes James into the lead (and about 1,000 YZ450 sales down the drain).

9 Minutes: Stewart isn’t “2008 gone”, but he’s got a good lead. Shorty, Millsaps, and Metcalfe are starting their own thing in the 2-4 positions.

15 minutes: Metcalfe moves past Millsaps and Short into 2nd. Boner jams ’12 for the Suzuki BROs. The Dunge is catching this crew.

20 minutes: Stewie pretty much has this one locked up. Metcalfe still in second but Millsaps and The Dunge are ripping like a home schooler’s diploma after he gets laughed out of a job interview.

25 minutes: Millsaps gets around Metty World Peace and now The Dunge is looking to follow suit.

29 minutes: Dungey does not give a fuck about braking bumps (more like gayking bumps, am I right?) and gets into the inside of Metcalfe past the mechanics’ area, moving into 3rd.

Finish: James Bubba wins it, still perfect from 2008 if you give him a mulligan for Unadilla 2010.

Moto 2

Holeshot: Tony informed Mike that if he didn’t get a holeshot, he would have to go down to the basement and feed Jeff a Baby Ruth. Mike got that fucking holeshot.

5 minutes: The Dunge passes Alessi, but Mike took it right back. Each lap in the lead is a vision back to the glory days that have long since faded.

7 minutes: Top 4 is pretty tight right now, Alessi leading the freight train of Dungey, Stewart, and Short. Stewart passes The Dunge and looks to pass Alessi, but Mike just watched “Get Rich Or Die Trying” and really took it to heart. Pretty much kamikazes James, it would have been a black flag offense if Stew actually crashed.

7.5 minutes: James passes Mike. Two turns later.

8 minutes: The Dunge moves past Joelessi.

15 minutes: Stew and Dungey are pulling way ahead. The Dunge is pretty close but he can’t make anything happen, James is the ironic carrot to his mule.

25 minutes: Lappers on lappers on lappers. Someday, they’ll replace the blue flag with a potato gun. That would be much more effective and hilarious. You can ignore a blue flag, you aren’t ignoring a 5 pound spud flying at your dome at 700mph.

26 minutes: The lappers aren’t moving for Dungey. He doesn’t have James’ experience at making people pull over (got ‘em).

Finish: James coasts over the finish for the 1-1, The Dunge was not far back in 2nd. Joelessi’s 7-3 is good for 3rd and dinner at the grown up table.

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Las Vegas For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Las Vegas For Assholes thumbPre-race: This just in: everyone is ready to be done with this race. We’re in Las fucking Vegas.

Holeshot: Joelessi literally sticks his foot out to hold off Dungey. Understandable, that holeshot check represents about 30% of his earnings this season.

Lap 1: The Dunge triples past Alessi in the rhythm section, didn’t really need the crystal ball to see that one coming.

Lap 3: Metcalfe stands Alessi up in the corner after the rhythm. That’s two vodkas thus far if you are playing the drinking game.

Lap 4: Weimer around Joelessi. In the whoops, the section where Alessi dreams go to die.

Lap 5: Millsaps triples past Alessi for 4th in the same spot as Dungey and Metty, with literally the same effort as I am giving typing this sentence.

Lap 5 (cont’d): Izzi and Brayton around Alessi. If you’re playing the drinking game right now, stop. You’re hammered.

Lap 6: Grant sneaking into the picture now, getting around….well you already know who he got around.

Lap 7: Weimer ski-jumps it to the inside of Metty for 2nd. That ski-jump is no joke, by the way – only those who give the least amount of fucks can really handle it.

Lap 8: Millsaps totally BROing for it in the whoops to get Weimer, Weimer squares him up and keeps the position like a boss.

Lap 9: Millsaps’ and Weimer’s bikes make contact in the air, Human Centipede-style. All sorts of joey moves ensue, legs everywhere. But both riders recover without losing anything.

Lap 10: Brayton around Metty for 4th, coming up on Saps and Weimer. This race would actually be good if The Dunge wasn’t KTMing everyone right in the butt.

Lap 13: It’s pretty much wrapped. The Dunge has about 15 seconds, he’s basically an arenacross track ahead of everyone.

Lap 16: Brayton around Weimer for third in the turn before the whoops. Weimer looks like he’s over it, ready for the Hard Rock.

Lap 20: Fro talking about the 350 – “Bring a pistol to a gun fight when another guy brings a machine gun.” Yup.

Finish: The Dunge was already at the bar before the other BROs even made it to the flag.

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SLC For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Dungey Speed TVHoleshot: Millsaps rips it like a boss. JGR boys are all “What the fuck’s a James Stewart?”

Lap 1: Weimer passes Dungey and Alessi in the whoops, a clear indicator of not giving a fuck. Weimer into 2nd.

Lap 2: Millsaps and Weimer are jumping the whoops (N.O.F.G.) while The Dunge is still blitzing them.

Lap 5: Short and Brayton doubling through the first rhythm and Tickle triples through and essentially cuckolds both of them right into 7th and 8th. Tickle into 6th.

Lap 9: Dungey gets around Weimer, but tees himself up two turns later to get punted. Weimer isn’t playing around with that nice guy shit anymore. Like a boss. Dungey is up quickly and is ten different shades of bullshit.

Lap 12: Millsaps stretching it out over Weimer now, looking solid as fuck.

Lap 13: Alessi gets bucked in the whoops like a motherfucker. Turn down that rebound, Tony. Brayton catching up in 5th.

Lap 15: Brayton all over Alessi, but you didn’t need me to tell you that.

Lap 16: You gotta love the superfans that need Ralph and Fro to tell them what color Dungey’s and Weimer’s bikes are in order to distinguish who is who. Dungey now close to Weimer.

Lap 17: Brayton triples past Alessi in the first rhythm. Mike’s 2-3-3-1 was really paying off until now [it wasn't].

Lap 17 (cont’d): Dungey nice-guy passes Weimer and it did not live up to the hype. Especially since CBS was way too concerned with the battle for 4th to show it as it happened. And nothing against Jake, but everyone in the stands was waiting for The Dunge to get pissed.

Lap 19: Millsaps living the joe life in the rhythm section and just like that Dungey is in the lead. Davi and Jake gave it to him easier than his chick would if he wasn’t most likely saving himself for marriage.

Lap 20: Feld BROs got a little to antsy in their pantsy and pulled the trigger on the fire ball a lap early. Nothing like a 30 foot mushroom cloud and a wave of heat that could singe your eyebrows to help a guy focus on the last lap.

Finish: The Dunge takes it. Good thing he fell or this would have been as much of a snoozer as a final round where every championship is already wrapped up.

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Seattle For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

villopoJoetoPre-race: According to Ralph, Villopoto has had a perfect season for a year and a half. Of course, just like a perfect game in baseball simply consists of winning the game. Also, Dianna is wearing the new Thor women’s jersey for this race, designed specifically for what is important in women’s motocross: tits.

Holeshot: Shorty getting back to the old tricks with the start, Supercross.com is pissed; perhaps they should have saved some of that money they dumped into truck racing. Yeah, truck racing. Ken-doll right with Shorty on the KTM -100.

Lap 1: VilloJoseph hits the dirt and his knee is all fucked up. Wasn’t even a good crash. If you were trying to pick up a girl and showed her that crash she would laugh and give you a tampon. A used tampon.

Lap 2: Say what you want about Villopoto, but his pimp walk off the track was pretty fierce. Diggin’ the scene with a gangsta lean.

Lap 5: Fro discussing how Roczen rides the 350, Ralph chimes in: “And don’t forget, Short was riding that 350 KTM a year ago.” Ralph Sheheen: an oasis of worthless, common knowledge moto facts.

Lap 6: Weimer, Brayton, and The Dunge battling for 3rd. Dungey is probably upset being beaten by Roczen. He might even be so bold as to use the term “Cotton-headed Ninnymuggins”.

Lap 7: Shorty and Roczen duking it out, but keeping it clean for the kids. Roczen continuing to triple off the dragon’s back, giving the same amount of fucks as Lebron James has championships.

Lap 8: The Dunge shows a wheel to Brayton, who immediately instructs him to sit the fuck down. Dungey back to 7th.

Lap 10: Still trying to figure out when exactly Mike Alessi lost his visor. Probably ripped it off like a tear off thinking it would be more aerodynamic, which it is, as long as you measure in units of gay.

Lap 12: Fro’s grunt as Millsaps got a little far forward on the step-on actually made me laugh out loud. Sounded indistinguishable from the guy in “My New Haircut”. Davi now on Alessi for 5th.

Lap 13: Davi and The Dunge pass Alessi, who is probably considering just losing the entire helmet and seeing if that helps any.

Lap 15: In-depth coverage the battle for 9th now. Fascinating stuff, feel like this is about the time when a car insurance commercial would fit right in.

Lap 16: Chisholm’s pic in the on-screen graphic is Ryan Sipes. That’s the most interesting thing happening right now.

Lap 18: Weimer and Brayton are still 3rd and 4th, although I think even their parents forgot they were in this race. Catching Roczen real quick, too.

Lap 20: Short is “I’ve never won”-ing the fuck out of the last lap, rolling doubles like a boss and not giving a fuck.

Finish: Short, Roczen, Weimer. Who had that one picked? You literally could throw darts at a wall of photos and be more accurate in choosing podiums these days.

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New Orleans For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Villopoto NOLA
Pre-race: Before they went to commercial, CBS played a little tribute montage to RV that perfectly communicates the market that CBS is going for: Gay Island.

Holeshot: Villopoto. Stick a fork in it, it’s done. Teen Step-Daddy gets wrapped up with Chiz in turn one. Sucks to be them.

Lap 1: Weimer jumps off the track then gets a little too frisky with the throttle on the cement and hits the ground. Joe moment of the race thus far (but we’re only on lap 1 and Mike Alessi is up front. He’ll have arm pump in a few laps and we’ll have a real show).

Lap 2: Josh Grant looking solid in 2nd. Wait…what?

Lap 3: Short throws one inside of Tickle and Tickle hits the dirt. Not one fuck given in that exchange. Short up to 7th.

Lap 4: 3rd and 4th are Alessi and Faith. I always thought the tortoise and the hare was bullshit until right now. You just have to wait till the hare gets broke off in a rhythm section.

Lap 7: Brayton stuffs Metcalfe before the sand section, no fucks given. Up to 4th. Metcalfe is all Suzuki bullshit getting tuned up right before the beach.

Lap 15: Well the commercial break just covered about a third of the race. 50 second lap times are rad as fuck.

Lap 15 (cont’d): Alessi still running 3rd, but as RC so astutely put it “I would not want to be Alessi right now.” Me neither, or any other time for that matter. Kid’s back probably looks like Kunta Kinte’s.

Lap 15 (cont’d again): Carmichael with the line of the night: “Alessi’s been pretty good all night long. The whoops are really not a factor tonight.”

Lap 16: And….Joelessi gets wrapped up lapping Sipes. And his bike is saying “Trust me BRO, if you keep going, you’ll kill yourself. I’m calling it a night.”

Lap 18: Immediately following Erin’s interview with Weimer, Ralph keeps the flow going on that topic with “And that’s the thing about Ryan Villopoto…” We can officially say that James and Ralph have broken up. Ralph+Ryan 4ever ♥

Lap 18 (cont’d): Villopoto just legitimately threw a one footer on the triple, without any whip. No fucks given.

Lap 20: The last two laps of this race have consisted of Ralph, Jeff, and RC talking about Villopoto. Kind of like this whole paint dryer of a season.

Finish: Villopoto, who had this one the second his plane landed without the pilot going postal and flying it into the Gulf of Mexico. JG finishes second like a boss. Brayton in third.

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Indy For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

RV Indy

Photo cred: Larry Loopout

Pre-race: Jeff and RC got fired from the “Keys to the Race”, probably in hopes of mixing it up a little bit. Didn’t work. Turns out the key to every race is getting a good start. Who knew?

Holeshot: Mike Alessi. Tony may or may not have been detained by security trying to turn the lights off so the race gets called right now.

Lap 1: Brayton reads BROtocross. Right after we shit on him for being boring, he starts throwing down scrubs on the triples. Dance for me, puppets.

Lap 1 (cont’d): Metty basically wall rides Windham’s shoulder. K-Dub literally shrugs him off. Somehow Metcalfe’s bike didn’t blow up.

Lap 2: Metcalfe rhythming through the whoops. It’s a billion times faster than skimming as long as you’re in the main line. A billion.

Lap 3: Ralph talking about Izzi on the #58. I mistake 0s for 8s, too. When I’m hammered.

Lap 6: Joelessi is still in the lead, but loses it and almost eats shit doing it. He should take it as a victory to go that long without fucking up a rhythm.

Lap 7: “RV gassed up the Kawasaki, fought for traction, and gained ground.” Ralph Sheheen – can’t stop, won’t stop.

Lap 8: Arm-pump Alessi back to 4th. Hit the showers, chief.

Lap 8 (cont’d): Metcalfe flat tracks the second to last corner out of the rut and stays in front of Villopoto. Because ruts are for pussies.

Lap 10: This race would be awesome if we didn’t know that Villopoto was going to win. Scratch that, it would be awesome if Villopoto didn’t know he was going to win.

Lap 11: Villopoto swaps in the whoops, and it sets him up perfectly to block pass Metcalfe. I think we can say with certainty now that if there is a God, he’s a ginger.

Lap 11 (cont’d): Windham-Alessi happens. Even though K-Dub pretty much didn’t touch Alessi, it was still Joelessi’s fault. For existing.

Lap 13: Brayton still skimming the whoops. It’s like watching a dude about to get hit by a car – you’d like to help him, but there’s nothing you can do, so might as well just enjoy the show and try to catch a body part.

Lap 16: Villopoto passes Brayton, Brayton gets the chance to take him out but does not pull the trigger. Bitch.

Lap 17: Metcalfe in third. Doubling triples, like a boss. Oh, and getting passed by Millsaps.

Lap 20: Villopoto might as well just negotiate an early championship with Monster and call it a season. And no, I don’t think he should ride a 250. Just because I love it when the world shits on two stroke BROs.

Finish: VilloBROto, Bray-town, and Davi Gravy in the top 3.

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GoPro Hits The Links In San Diego

Still the best videos from the races, for my money. Of course, they are the only ones that are allowed to put actual riding footage in videos, so I suppose they are running a bit ahead of the 8-ball. I can tell you one thing from seeing this video: I would crush all those BROs on the golf course. I straight Bill Murray the fuck out of the driver. Cinderella story every shot.

Oh, and Alessi killing it in the whoops at the four minute mark. Standard.

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SD For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Ryan Villopoto San Diego 2012Pre-race – Jeff’s keys still don’t include the single greatest piece of advice that anyone has ever given me: don’t fall, and ride better than everyone else. No awkward wink for Dianna this week. She went with the subtle “Hey” to the camera. I’m almost positive she was talking to me. I didn’t respond, like a pimp.

Holeshot - Metcalfe gets it. Ralph asks if he can win. No BRO, where the fuck have you been? Suzuki isn’t going to win a 450 main event this year.

Lap 2 – Villopoto passes Metcalfe, who proceeds to punish himself by casing the triple before the finish line like a joe. I think he might have sharted, too.

Lap 3 – Stewart murders Dungey in the whoops as Ryan resorts to doubling through at the end because he races a Buick KTM. Ralph comments that Dungey isn’t hitting the whoops well. Dynamite input, champ.

Lap 4 – Weimer passes Dungey, Dungey responds by putting him in the tuffblocks. Not up in here! Nice guys finish second, assholes finish first. Assholes on KTMs finish 3rd.

Lap 6 - Reed, lurking on Villopoto, is getting through the whoops “something fierce”, according to Ralph. Sheheen is on fire tonight.

Lap 7 – Erin talking about how Chad changed the clutch/throttle ratio and is totally killing now. Droppin’ science on your ass.

Lap 7 (cont’d) – Bubbsy falls. Again. Supercross-only is totally paying off. James is literally so stuck that fucking Bear Grylls has to roll through and cut him out. Bear then used that piece of his pants to fabricate a new addition to his house.

Lap 10 – K-Dub getting some cam time. Running 5th, looking leisure as fuck about it. Standard Windham.

Lap 11 – Weimer is out like a boner in sweat pants. He claims he’ll be back with a new attitude at D-town. No more of this KTM bullshit, Dungey.

Lap 12 – Windham passes Metcalfe even though he was six different kinds of fucked up in the whoops. He was actually blocking an assassin’s bullet from hitting Metty. With great Windham comes great responsibility.

Lap 15 – Stewart running 16th. Can you insure falls in a Supercross? No worries, Coy will collect on the fire at JGR that he started that was caused by electricity or something.

Lap 17 – Villopoto and Reed about to lap Alessi, who sees this as his time to show the world that he can run with them. He’s channeling the last line in Supercross: The Movie – “Time to go get famous”.

Lap 19 – This race is actually good now. This is like every game in every other sport where you could watch only the last two minutes and be easily just as satisfied.

Lap 19 (cont’d) – Reed into 1st. When Ralph yells, he sounds like a fat woman giving birth to an equally obese baby. Yeah, it’s majestic.

Lap 19 (cont’d again) – Villopoto says the same thing Dungey was saying to Weimer.

Lap 20 – Reed tire taps the last five whoops. Just give him the win.

Finish – Villopoto, Reed, KTM Dungey. Hansen gets 5th, does not giving a fuck about it like a boss.

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