Tag Archives: ktm

Rate That Scrub: Bung Life

Posted on April 1, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Rider: Tyler Livesay

Location: Cycle Ranch

After a long hiatus, RTS is back at it. Today, we have a regular member of the RTS Army, Tyler Livesay, doing unspeakable things as he gives all the two stroke nazis boners with his fantastical motorcycle abilities. I’ve been sitting on this one for a little while but today is the day to debut it to the BRO world. The scrub is the red headed step child of the whip, and it is nice when the relationship is distinctly noticeable. You cannot knock the classics, and this is some Jimi Hendrix type shit right here; not a whole lot to it besides throwing the bike down and the requisite panic rev that follows. Studies have shown that panic revs are actually directly correlated to a bodily release of fucks given on the track.

P.S. If you don’t understand all the “bung” references, you need to turn the volume up.

BUUUUUUNNNGGGG

Final rating: 2/2. Every chick in the game would bang that scrub.

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Video Breakdown: KTM Hero Sends It Over The Berm And Into The Highway

Posted on March 25, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

A lot of people send in crash videos every day, and usually it is just them swapping out and hitting their ugly face on the ground or something even less awe inspiring. Look at this video; let this be a benchmark for all crash videos submitted from here on out. If you didn’t whiskey throttle it over a berm and practically set off alarms in Hiroshima when you almost landed in the goddamn highway, do not send it in. This is how the pros do it, and this is now how the BROs do it.
I had little faith in this video after the first 5 seconds. But judging from the length of the video and the berm the guy is approaching, things may take a drastic turn to hilarious town quite soon…

The Jack Daniels wheelie into the berm is a good sign.

Cheater line, much? Regardless, Snapchat that photo, BRO.

This guy literally crashed all the way to the bank. Hashtag got ‘em.

In an incredible plot twist, it turns out that was Arnold Schwarzenegger the whole time. No wonder he launched the berm. Arnold is always getting into crazy shit like that.

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Rate That Scrub Random Hero Edition

Posted on November 21, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

This photo has been going around for the past week and even though I have no idea who it is and I’m pretty sure it’s a couple years old, it’s never too late for an RTS. A lot of what makes a good scrub is showmanship. Every racer knows that a scrub has its purposes as far as speed goes, but really, a lot of the reason that you do it is because it makes you look cool and makes women want your shit in their area. A distinct aura of pizzazz can be the difference between a modest smile bar turn and a panty-removing mega scrub. This kid has pizzazz for days; leg out, skidplate above seat, and in the middle of a look back to let the camera know how awesome he is. Probably had this shit on rev limiter the whole time, too. It may not make any difference at all as far as speed is concerned, but it definitely sends the signal that you are a testosterone-driven alpha male ninja and that is all that anyone really cares about. It’s all a mind game in moto.

I give it a hard 2/2 because any woman with any level of self-respect (preferably none) would get down with this scrub.

P.S. – This is Europe all the way. At least 3 dead giveaways in the photo.

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Rate That Fuckin’ Scrub

Posted on November 15, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Just….like….wow. Everyone who thought they were cool dragging footpeg in a scrub, let it be known that the new standard is dragging muffler and anyone who doesn’t is a little bitch that listens to One Direction in the dark and touches themselves. Really, this is the hardest 2/2 I’ve ever given for this type of scrub, that of course being the type where the rider looks like a dog taking a piss on a fire hydrant. Oh yeah, and if that dirt was a woman, I’ll bet it would make the fuck out of a sandwich. That’s how good it looks.

Final Rating: 2/2. That’s the type of scrub you bring home to mom and dad for Thanksgiving.

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Emergency Rate That Scrub Showdown: America vs America Jr

Posted on October 12, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Cole Seely

Hey it's me - America!

Jeremy Medaglia

Not giving eh fuck

I really wanted to save this for next week, but so many people have sent me these two shots in the past couple of days that it just had to be done. You need to strike when the iron’s hot, and I couldn’t let these ones cool down too much. So here we have it, a double RTS showdown week. And this time, it’s personal.

We have a real RTS of Nations on our hands now, with the American favorite Cole Seely, fresh off getting his internal organs whack-a-mole’d into the some weird hospital employee’s basement, and the challenger from America’s favorite hat, Jeremy Medaglia. This youngblood has been throwing down for years and doesn’t give a fuck how close his throttle gets to the ground, because that’s what being a boss is all about. As for the scrubs, you can’t ignore the fact that Medaglia is about halfway through his arc and still close enough to the ground to kill a stray infant. But Cole has the scrub form totally dialed. Weight back, bike flat, swagger for days, as if to say “I’m better than you, and I know it.” Fuck yeah America, fuck yeah. Polls are open…

Who ya got?

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KTM Totally Crushing The Ads In “Resident Evil”

Posted on September 17, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Goddamn if KTM isn’t ahead of the game on this one. We have already gone over all the broad points of why moto BROs will inevitably survive a zombie apocalypse, and KTM wasted no time in getting in on that market. I mean really, look at that photo. Brand placement all the way. Bright orange in your face, implanting the idea in your boob and vag infested subconscious that when the shit hits the fan and the bath salts got motherfuckers charging at you for a quick bite, you get on a KTM and tear ass out of there like the WOW Boyz. I mean, the bikes basically market themselves in a post-apocalyptic zombie world; electric start will get you going while the assholes kicking their Jap bikes are left to get their faces ripped off. Remember, it’s not about being faster than the zombie, it’s about being faster than the other guy. And in a pinch, the bike becomes a taser real quick. Everyone knows zombies hate electricity, that’s like Zombie 101. That’s why you never see them chasing KTM BROs; just doesn’t happen.

Big ups to BRO reader Collin for the grab.

Here’s the whole trailer if anyone cares: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYuxE3YetQo

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2012 Outdoor Nationals For Assholes

Posted on September 10, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink


Dead on description for this season, even the map thing. All race photos cred to Ryne Swanberg @vurbswanny

Hangtown

Hangtown Start450- Stewart crushing it on the Suzuki because Yamaha quit trying after 2009 when they realized that coasting by on 4-strokes AND 2-strokes yields as much paper in a shitty economy as trying to exclusively produce good 4-strokes. Or they just got tired of giving a fuck.
250- Speaking of not giving a fuck, Baggett is back in his element after shitting the bed in SX. Seriously, kids play video games and are scared to try some of the shit that Baggett does. Roczen was leading moto 2 till the very end when he forgot that US riders don’t stop for a cig break halfway into the moto.

WMX - Just kidding

Freestone

450- Stew and The Dunge going at it and even though Dungey never passed Stewart once in either moto, shit is getting real. Maybe this season won’t suck after all…
250- Baggett is traditionally a “hangover” rider because he generally follows up a race win with a performance like Robert Downey Jr. before someone told him that days don’t actually last 37 hours when you are on coke. He actually managed to kill it but Eli Tomac got on the NFG program after Hangtown and murdered everyone.

Thunder Valley

Baggett/Roczen TV450- Stew gets spooked by a bigfoot sighting or something and proceeds to completely eat shit and mangle his hand like Robert Deniro’s character in Casino got a hold of it. Dungey goes 1-1 but the season is still looking promising since The Dunge only won by a collective 40 seconds.
250- Barcia getting in the mix with a 1-2 over Bag’s 3-1. First time all season that somebody’s won on anything other than a 1-1.

High Point

450- Stew manages to scrounge up a 5th in moto 1 and sits out moto 2 because it’s his cat’s birthday and he needs to make his favorite cake he’s hurting. Dungey takes another 1-1.
250- Tomac giving come from behind a new meaning and not even a gross sexual one. Roczen once again losing it on the last lap like a boss.

Budds Creek

450- No Stew at the Creek. Dungey destroyed the field. This is why kids play no-score T-ball, so they don’t have to deal with the emotional trauma of being shown how relatively bad they are at what they do.
250- Baggett on top of the box again.

Red Bud

Dungey RB450- The return of Stew. Does one moto and finishes a distant 3rd then takes off. But, you know, excitement!
250- Baggett rips the Leap pretty much every fucking lap, including when he has lappers littering the take off like newly-blind children who haven’t figured out the walking stick yet. He also won but that’s really a secondary take-away.

Millville

450- This is Dungey’s home track, but the second moto was way closer than that 50 second gap leads you to believe. It was a real nail biter. Also Nick Wey bit the dust when he decided to take a quick dip in the first moto.
250- Baggett crunched his bike trying to get featured on Rate That Scrub. Tomac squeaks a 3-1 past Barcia’s 2-2.

Washougal

450- Alessi actually manages to hold off Dungey in the first moto but is surprised when The Dunge has no interest in giving him a hug for roosting him and cockblocking his lines for 30 minutes. Dungey of course murders him in the 2nd moto and still wins the overall.
250- Barcia gets another 1-2 to seal the deal on win #2. I actually have to look up these 250 results because it’s difficult to remember when more than 2 people actually win in a season.

Southwick

Rattray Wick450- KTM’s totally-radical-technology gas cap comes unglued for The Dunge and he has to pit stop, which KTM sucks at. I would have had that shit gassed up in 2.5 seconds, just timed myself doing it. Rattray gets a moto win and keeps his streak alive of winning something at Southwick. But Dungey still won the overall. Again, excitement.
250- Tomac’s ride in the second moto is all you need to know about. Came from over 10 seconds back to right in the mix in about 3 laps, then smashed a tree because the Bark Busters sponsorship just didn’t work out. Baggett won.

Unadilla

450- Stew makes his return and wads the fuck up again. And Dungey probably won, I don’t know, fuck you.
250- The GP BROs like ‘dilla, probably because everyone in America hates it. Roczen finally doesn’t get passed for the lead on the last lap and Musquin wins the overall.

Steel City

450- Nothing’s happening, nothing’s happening. Something about a map.
250- Tomac goes 1-1, Baggett goes 4-4. The points gap is now 14 which is exciting as fuck compared to the other class.

Lake Elsinore

AlessiFace

Completely bullshit

450- Dungey won. 10 in a row. For fuck’s sake, is it 2013 yet?
250- Baggett wins the ‘ship, and Mitch is happy that he doesn’t have to kill someone this year. It’s literally in every employee’s contract at Pro Circuit that if the team doesn’t win a championship in a year, one lucky employee is selected to be dropped into a fiery pit in the back office. Not as a sacrifice, just so Mitch can blow off some steam.

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KTM Dude Gets A Deer To The Face And Doesn’t Give A Fuck

Posted on August 1, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Have you ever seen a more obvious attempt at insurance fraud? Fucking deer could not have been more blunt about it. We get it BRO, you are sick of doing deer things and frolicking in the woods and getting shot by hunters and you just want to sit on the couch and play video games. Sucks to suck. You don’t go throwing yourself in front of KTM joyriders, especially when there is a camera involved. The lawyers will be up your ass before you can say “Deer can’t talk.”

Talking to the KTM BROs now, is this what you guys deal with on the regular? This dude just got up and went about everything like it was a part of his day, not giving a fuck the whole time. When you take a KTM out of its natural element in the woods, does nature literally come hunt you down and hit you in the face like that?

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Keeping It Real With Jeffrey Herlings

Posted on June 11, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

The GPs are really doing it for me this year. I think I should actually watch them. There’s always something going on there. Hearing about BROs getting in fights on the track after motos and everyone getting heated about everything. Great stuff, pure entertainment if you ask me. I can’t wait for Herlings to get over here; the kid does not give a fuck about PR and keeps it real, like a boss. Seriously, he might be the type of kid who would throw away a solid moto just to take someone out. No fucks given.

Love how the announcer tries to save it. Just starts blurting out noises. 110% this was his interaction with Herlings afterward -

Finally, this is a “PR Disaster” like the Catholic church is a good place to study science and logic and acceptance of differences. How much is the viewership of the GPs going to jump now that people know that Herlings is dead set on booting Pocock into another layer of the atmosphere in the next race? And like I always say, nothing erases people’s memories like winning a championship. That shit might as well be the pen thing in Men In Black. How many people are still talking about Barcia’s shit? Most of you probably don’t even know what I’m talking about and it happened two months ago. There is only so much memory in the mind of a moto BRO and tits, bikes, and alcohol occupy a large chunk of it.

Thanks to Jordan for the video.

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Thunder Valley For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on June 5, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink
Stewart Thunder Valley Crash

Photo cred: Matty Rice

Moto 1

Pre-race: Thunder in the vicinity, but if anything that will only make the racing better. People really break out the awesome scrubs when they could potentially get struck by lightning.

Holeshot: Tommy Hahn decides to get in the mix and pull the holeshot. But The Dunge got the holeshot that matters, the one that only includes himself and Stewie.

2 minutes: Weimer was making moves and passed Hahn for an ill minute before getting passed back. Stewie meanwhile has been working from about 7th to 3rd, leaving Dungey to wonder how he can get past the infamous octuple century BRO.

4 minutes: James is getting on his Everts game (but less European), standing up through ruts like a boss. He’s in the lead now and ruining everyone. The Dunge is up to 4th.

7 minutes: James saw that weird thing from The Mothman Prophecies crossing the track and then two seconds later ate shit in the ruts. James is out, and Dungey is Charlie Sheening this shit.

15 minutes: The Dunge is keeping it ice cold, no mistakes. He should have had the “Iceman” nickname. I say again it’s a bit ironic that Broc Hepler ran that one for so long. His concussion count did not really support that moniker.

16 minutes: Weimer makes the move on Hahn for second, running the leisurely pass around the outside.

20 minutes: Nothing’s happening. Nothing’s happening

27 minutes: Metcalfe around Alessi for third. No soup for you, Mike.

29 minutes: Dungey is miles out front.

Last lap: Couple of whips for The Dunge, nothing too fancy, but just letting his hair down a little.

Finish: Dungey, Weimer, Metty in the top 3.

Moto 2

Pre-race: Stew is a no show for moto 2. Dungey has this one in the bag. He can literally win at the push of a button. Also, #1 key to the race: Don’t hit neutral. So key, I have that written on my bar pad every time I go out.

Holeshot: It’s The Dunge. Maybe he’ll fall (spoiler alert: he doesn’t). Weimer and Shorty in the top 3 again, and Tickle ripping a good start finally.

1 minute: Shorty, right behind Weimer, doing triple step ups, not even giving a fuck that he won’t make the inside line. He passes Weimer in the section immediately after that. No coincidence, life favors the NFGers.

10 minutes: Dungey still out front, Shorty running second. Weimer is third but Tickle might have something to say about that.

15 minutes: Alessi fell. May or may not have stood on someone’s bike in an effort to beat them.

25 minutes: Tickle casually passes Weimer for third and has the crosshairs on Shorty now. Kid’s riding like a boss.

30 minutes: Again, Dungey by a mile. Maybe just throw him on a 350 so he can hate his life as much as the guys he’s annihilating right now.

Finish: Dungey wraps up a 1/1, first time KTM has ever done that in the big boy class. Shorty holds on for second, even though Tickle was going hard in the paint in third.

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