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Supercross For Assholes: 2012 450 Review Pt.2

Posted on May 16, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink
Ryan Villopoto

Like a boss

Mid-season: Ok, this Stewart thing is not really working out, and now Reed and Dungey are out. But the second part of the series has got to come on strong, right? Right??

Daytona: Who ordered the mud? Of course at the gnarliest race of the year, Stewart crushes everyone. Probably because he was so busy riding in that shithole that he didn’t have time to think “Don’tfalldon’tfalldon’tfalldon’tfall. Fuck, I fell.” Villopoto also managed to bust out the Joey fall of the year, like a boss. Millsaps and Windham crept onto the podium.

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 221
  2. Ryan Dungey – 192
  3. James Stewart – 177
  4. Kevin Windham – 143
  5. Jake Weimer – 134

Indianapolis: Stewart bit the dust in the heat race and didn’t even make it down for the LCQ (that’s standard). Mike Alessi actually led this one for a little while; when the top guys are out, it’s his time to shine. Unfortunately this was one of those tracks with a whoops section and he got 6th. Villopoto was back up front and it’s pretty obvious at this point in the season that it’s a wrap.

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 246
  2. Ryan Dungey – 192
  3. James Stewart – 177
  4. Davi Millsaps – 151
  5. Kevin Windham – 146

Toronto: Villopoto smoked everyone. It was in Canada. You get the picture.

(You know it’s a rager of a season when 2 of the top 3 riders in the points aren’t even racing.)

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 271
  2. Ryan Dungey – 192
  3. James Stewart – 177
  4. Davi Millsaps – 169
  5. Kevin Windham – 166

Houston: Villopoto actually clinched the title at this round, with 4 races left to go. Stewart returned and cleaned the fuck out of Kyle Regal before turning his dark magic (no pun intended) to himself and crashing the fuck out of that Yamaha. Millsaps got sick of giving a fuck and put the JGR bike on the podium again.

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 296
  2. Ryan Dungey – 192
  3. Davi Millsaps – 191
  4. Justin Brayton – 181 (whoa, where did he come from?)
  5. James Stewart – 178

New Orleans: Villopoto won. Again. In the out of nowhere ride of the year, Grant comes in hot to take 2nd and remind people that he used to hand it to pretty much everyone on the track, the operative term there being “used to”. Still a ripper, though. Joelessi took himself out of third with a few laps to go and gave it to Brayton.

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 321
  2. Davi Millsaps – 206
  3. Justin Brayton – 201
  4. Ryan Dungey – 192
  5. James Stewart – 178

Seattle: Villopoto’s knee decided to be a whiny little bitch and kill itself. The Dunge was back for this one but not in true form, he even let Hitler Youth beat him. Roczen was 350 cruising behind Shorty all moto. Good race, Short was not giving it to the kid (“giving it” to kids is generally a recipe for trouble, ask Chris Hansen). [I don't actually think Roczen is a Nazi, but you can't deny that he is a Hitler wet dream come to life. That kid is as Aryan as it gets]

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 323
  2. Davi Millsaps – 222
  3. Justin Brayton – 219
  4. Ryan Dungey – 207
  5. Jake Weimer – 191

Salt Lake City: The “penultimate round”, as Ralph would remind us 1,000 times (he loves to keep it fresh). Villopoto is out for the season now (wow, really??). The Dunge came out in full force, after getting taken out by Weimer like a boss, he came back and passed him and Millsaps to win it, no fucks given (have I said that yet?).

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 323
  2. Davi Millsaps – 244
  3. Justin Brayton – 237
  4. Ryan Dungey – 232
  5. Jake Weimer – 211

Las Vegas: This one just happened so not much needs to be said. The Dunge crushed everyone on the course then crushed mad brews at the bar afterwards like a KTM champion (3rd place). Millsaps took 2nd and sewed up 2nd in the championship (NFG), Brayton grabbed 3rd.

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 323
  2. Davi Millsaps – 266
  3. Ryan Dungey – 257
  4. Justin Brayton – 257
  5. Jake Weimer – 229

Real talk: when was the last time Suzuki was the only brand not represented in the top 5? Suzuki bullshit. And I ride one so I can say that.

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Las Vegas For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on May 9, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Las Vegas For Assholes thumbPre-race: This just in: everyone is ready to be done with this race. We’re in Las fucking Vegas.

Holeshot: Joelessi literally sticks his foot out to hold off Dungey. Understandable, that holeshot check represents about 30% of his earnings this season.

Lap 1: The Dunge triples past Alessi in the rhythm section, didn’t really need the crystal ball to see that one coming.

Lap 3: Metcalfe stands Alessi up in the corner after the rhythm. That’s two vodkas thus far if you are playing the drinking game.

Lap 4: Weimer around Joelessi. In the whoops, the section where Alessi dreams go to die.

Lap 5: Millsaps triples past Alessi for 4th in the same spot as Dungey and Metty, with literally the same effort as I am giving typing this sentence.

Lap 5 (cont’d): Izzi and Brayton around Alessi. If you’re playing the drinking game right now, stop. You’re hammered.

Lap 6: Grant sneaking into the picture now, getting around….well you already know who he got around.

Lap 7: Weimer ski-jumps it to the inside of Metty for 2nd. That ski-jump is no joke, by the way – only those who give the least amount of fucks can really handle it.

Lap 8: Millsaps totally BROing for it in the whoops to get Weimer, Weimer squares him up and keeps the position like a boss.

Lap 9: Millsaps’ and Weimer’s bikes make contact in the air, Human Centipede-style. All sorts of joey moves ensue, legs everywhere. But both riders recover without losing anything.

Lap 10: Brayton around Metty for 4th, coming up on Saps and Weimer. This race would actually be good if The Dunge wasn’t KTMing everyone right in the butt.

Lap 13: It’s pretty much wrapped. The Dunge has about 15 seconds, he’s basically an arenacross track ahead of everyone.

Lap 16: Brayton around Weimer for third in the turn before the whoops. Weimer looks like he’s over it, ready for the Hard Rock.

Lap 20: Fro talking about the 350 – “Bring a pistol to a gun fight when another guy brings a machine gun.” Yup.

Finish: The Dunge was already at the bar before the other BROs even made it to the flag.

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SLC For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on April 30, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Dungey Speed TVHoleshot: Millsaps rips it like a boss. JGR boys are all “What the fuck’s a James Stewart?”

Lap 1: Weimer passes Dungey and Alessi in the whoops, a clear indicator of not giving a fuck. Weimer into 2nd.

Lap 2: Millsaps and Weimer are jumping the whoops (N.O.F.G.) while The Dunge is still blitzing them.

Lap 5: Short and Brayton doubling through the first rhythm and Tickle triples through and essentially cuckolds both of them right into 7th and 8th. Tickle into 6th.

Lap 9: Dungey gets around Weimer, but tees himself up two turns later to get punted. Weimer isn’t playing around with that nice guy shit anymore. Like a boss. Dungey is up quickly and is ten different shades of bullshit.

Lap 12: Millsaps stretching it out over Weimer now, looking solid as fuck.

Lap 13: Alessi gets bucked in the whoops like a motherfucker. Turn down that rebound, Tony. Brayton catching up in 5th.

Lap 15: Brayton all over Alessi, but you didn’t need me to tell you that.

Lap 16: You gotta love the superfans that need Ralph and Fro to tell them what color Dungey’s and Weimer’s bikes are in order to distinguish who is who. Dungey now close to Weimer.

Lap 17: Brayton triples past Alessi in the first rhythm. Mike’s 2-3-3-1 was really paying off until now [it wasn't].

Lap 17 (cont’d): Dungey nice-guy passes Weimer and it did not live up to the hype. Especially since CBS was way too concerned with the battle for 4th to show it as it happened. And nothing against Jake, but everyone in the stands was waiting for The Dunge to get pissed.

Lap 19: Millsaps living the joe life in the rhythm section and just like that Dungey is in the lead. Davi and Jake gave it to him easier than his chick would if he wasn’t most likely saving himself for marriage.

Lap 20: Feld BROs got a little to antsy in their pantsy and pulled the trigger on the fire ball a lap early. Nothing like a 30 foot mushroom cloud and a wave of heat that could singe your eyebrows to help a guy focus on the last lap.

Finish: The Dunge takes it. Good thing he fell or this would have been as much of a snoozer as a final round where every championship is already wrapped up.

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New Orleans For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on April 16, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Villopoto NOLA
Pre-race: Before they went to commercial, CBS played a little tribute montage to RV that perfectly communicates the market that CBS is going for: Gay Island.

Holeshot: Villopoto. Stick a fork in it, it’s done. Teen Step-Daddy gets wrapped up with Chiz in turn one. Sucks to be them.

Lap 1: Weimer jumps off the track then gets a little too frisky with the throttle on the cement and hits the ground. Joe moment of the race thus far (but we’re only on lap 1 and Mike Alessi is up front. He’ll have arm pump in a few laps and we’ll have a real show).

Lap 2: Josh Grant looking solid in 2nd. Wait…what?

Lap 3: Short throws one inside of Tickle and Tickle hits the dirt. Not one fuck given in that exchange. Short up to 7th.

Lap 4: 3rd and 4th are Alessi and Faith. I always thought the tortoise and the hare was bullshit until right now. You just have to wait till the hare gets broke off in a rhythm section.

Lap 7: Brayton stuffs Metcalfe before the sand section, no fucks given. Up to 4th. Metcalfe is all Suzuki bullshit getting tuned up right before the beach.

Lap 15: Well the commercial break just covered about a third of the race. 50 second lap times are rad as fuck.

Lap 15 (cont’d): Alessi still running 3rd, but as RC so astutely put it “I would not want to be Alessi right now.” Me neither, or any other time for that matter. Kid’s back probably looks like Kunta Kinte’s.

Lap 15 (cont’d again): Carmichael with the line of the night: “Alessi’s been pretty good all night long. The whoops are really not a factor tonight.”

Lap 16: And….Joelessi gets wrapped up lapping Sipes. And his bike is saying “Trust me BRO, if you keep going, you’ll kill yourself. I’m calling it a night.”

Lap 18: Immediately following Erin’s interview with Weimer, Ralph keeps the flow going on that topic with “And that’s the thing about Ryan Villopoto…” We can officially say that James and Ralph have broken up. Ralph+Ryan 4ever ♥

Lap 18 (cont’d): Villopoto just legitimately threw a one footer on the triple, without any whip. No fucks given.

Lap 20: The last two laps of this race have consisted of Ralph, Jeff, and RC talking about Villopoto. Kind of like this whole paint dryer of a season.

Finish: Villopoto, who had this one the second his plane landed without the pilot going postal and flying it into the Gulf of Mexico. JG finishes second like a boss. Brayton in third.

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Stewie Is In For Houston

Posted on March 30, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

James BubbaThis is one of those parts about living on the East Coast that sucks. A little late night news action and you miss it when all the Cali BROs are pretty much just getting home from work and they get the 411. I mean, BROs should be going in all night, that is part of being a mogul, but I slipped up. It happens to the best of BROs.

So James is in this weekend and keeping his title hopes alive, even though the only shot he’s got at it is if Villopoto gets bird flu or some other hotshot new disease. Bird flu is pretty 2 years ago so I am not sure that we can count on that. Maybe like a rapidly occurring HIV or something, that seems like something of a designer illness; all the celebs have super HIV, it is so chic. But I digress; Villopoto still has this thing wrapped up, and to be honest what I am most interested in seeing is if Brayton thinks he has anything for James. People are talking JB up since he has finished behind Villopoto in the past couple of rounds, but I again say that I think Villopoto was just keeping the afterburners cool for when his legitimate competition returns. Stewart is definitely faster than Brayton but if he does not rip a start, he could potentially be looking down the barrel of a swagger shotgun compliments of JB.

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Toronto For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on March 26, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

RV toronto SXPre-race: Dianna running the fully straight hair today. Fully straight fire is more like it. Add that clip to Boner Jams 2012. Also both Alessi brothers are lined up next to each other to create a black hole of Joe-ness. Their gear is coincidentally black.

Holeshot: Brayton takes it but Villopoto is right behind him so we might as well just pack this one up now.

Lap 2: Villopoto passes Brayton in the second rhythm section. That’s a wrap.

Lap 4: Villopoto gets huckafucked all over the place in the whoops but saves it. Brayton is hanging with Villopoto but anyone who knows what’s what understands that RV has about 10 more bullets in the chamber that he is just saving for when the fast BROs come back.

Lap 6: The top 5 is boring as fuck now other than Windham doing whatever he wants like a boss. Metcalfe and Musquin are battling for 8th, Metty passes Marvin in the whoops, which is pretty much the default pass spot for guys that ride KTMs.

Lap 8: The whoops look gnarly. Some people are pretty much just rolling through the first half of them. Those people are all named Mike Alessi.

Lap 9: Windham almost passes Millsaps for 4th and the crowd goes wild. Even drunk Canadians who have been putting down $10 beers know that Windham is the fucking boss.

Lap 10: Windham gets around Millsaps. Zero fucks given.

Lap 12: Villopoto is pulling away. Shocking.

Lap 14: Fro and Ralph discussing how Villopoto needs wins now. Maybe for the record books, not for the points. He has this one locked up like a Catholic priest who forgot to drug the kids.

Lap 15: Windham passes Weimer for third. Pushing the limits of absolute zero for giving a fuck.

Lap 16: Weimer jumps about a mile off the track, throws a fist pump for the boys. Black panthers!

Lap 19: Villopoto tire tapping the little triple out of the 2nd-to-last turn for the kids. That is all I have to say about the last 4 laps of this race. #lookathowquickthatgrassgrows!

Finish: Villopoto, Brayton, Windham in the top 3.

Post Race: Weimer talking shit on the dudes who roll around in the main. Spot on. If you don’t have 20 laps, you don’t have a Supercross race. Earn that Budweiser, BRO.

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Indy For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on March 19, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink
RV Indy

Photo cred: Larry Loopout

Pre-race: Jeff and RC got fired from the “Keys to the Race”, probably in hopes of mixing it up a little bit. Didn’t work. Turns out the key to every race is getting a good start. Who knew?

Holeshot: Mike Alessi. Tony may or may not have been detained by security trying to turn the lights off so the race gets called right now.

Lap 1: Brayton reads BROtocross. Right after we shit on him for being boring, he starts throwing down scrubs on the triples. Dance for me, puppets.

Lap 1 (cont’d): Metty basically wall rides Windham’s shoulder. K-Dub literally shrugs him off. Somehow Metcalfe’s bike didn’t blow up.

Lap 2: Metcalfe rhythming through the whoops. It’s a billion times faster than skimming as long as you’re in the main line. A billion.

Lap 3: Ralph talking about Izzi on the #58. I mistake 0s for 8s, too. When I’m hammered.

Lap 6: Joelessi is still in the lead, but loses it and almost eats shit doing it. He should take it as a victory to go that long without fucking up a rhythm.

Lap 7: “RV gassed up the Kawasaki, fought for traction, and gained ground.” Ralph Sheheen – can’t stop, won’t stop.

Lap 8: Arm-pump Alessi back to 4th. Hit the showers, chief.

Lap 8 (cont’d): Metcalfe flat tracks the second to last corner out of the rut and stays in front of Villopoto. Because ruts are for pussies.

Lap 10: This race would be awesome if we didn’t know that Villopoto was going to win. Scratch that, it would be awesome if Villopoto didn’t know he was going to win.

Lap 11: Villopoto swaps in the whoops, and it sets him up perfectly to block pass Metcalfe. I think we can say with certainty now that if there is a God, he’s a ginger.

Lap 11 (cont’d): Windham-Alessi happens. Even though K-Dub pretty much didn’t touch Alessi, it was still Joelessi’s fault. For existing.

Lap 13: Brayton still skimming the whoops. It’s like watching a dude about to get hit by a car – you’d like to help him, but there’s nothing you can do, so might as well just enjoy the show and try to catch a body part.

Lap 16: Villopoto passes Brayton, Brayton gets the chance to take him out but does not pull the trigger. Bitch.

Lap 17: Metcalfe in third. Doubling triples, like a boss. Oh, and getting passed by Millsaps.

Lap 20: Villopoto might as well just negotiate an early championship with Monster and call it a season. And no, I don’t think he should ride a 250. Just because I love it when the world shits on two stroke BROs.

Finish: VilloBROto, Bray-town, and Davi Gravy in the top 3.

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Artsy Iowa Shit With Justin Brayton

Posted on March 6, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

This weekend one of the BROs and I were discussing Justin Brayton, and he was arguing that the dude should not have a factory ride, citing his exceptionally boring demeanor off the bike (and on the bike, for that matter). I mean, Brayton is as vanilla as it gets, but the dude should have a factory ride. I mean, I would love nothing more than to see a guy like Hanny or Stroupe on a factory Honda, but Brayton gets results and does not say two words beyond “Thank you” in the pits. The dude is more programmable than a three year old when you have a lollipop in your hand. He is zero risk for Mr. Honda, and that guy’s a pussy.

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