Tag Archives: indy for assholes

Indy For Assholes: 250 Breakdown

Posted on March 19, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Photo cred: @matrixconcepts on Instagram

Pre-race: Keys to the race – get a good start. Also keys to winning the lottery – get all the numbers right.

Holeshot: Baggett and Roczen pretty much are wheel to wheel. Baggett comes out in front because Mitch told him if he doesn’t start delivering, he’s going to slap his face off of his face.

Lap 1: Ken-doll’s scrubs on the over under are the best looking thing since boob jobs.

Lap 2: Baggett misses the rut after the second triple. Getting on that Joe life. Roczen eazily passes him. Barcia, meanwhile, was making out with the ground. Should be on that Taboo show.

Lap 4: Wharton all up on Baggett’s Koolaid now. Erin says he was not smiling all day.

Lap 5: Red flag is out. Roczen undoubtedly shouting German obscenities, sounds like Bjork fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger. I am also toying with the idea that GEICO is actually a front for the Mafia, and they run Supercross.

Lap 5 (cont’d): Just kidding, there’s no such thing as the Mafia.

Restart: Staggered start because if there is one thing moto needs more of, it’s NASCAR.

Holeshot?: Well, that was the worst thing I’ve ever seen.

Lap 6: Roczen got the start somehow.

Lap 7: Baggett drops back to 6th now. Like a boss.

Lap 8: Roczen ghost rides the whip because he does not give a fuck. Mulisha life or eat out a pencil sharpener, BRO. Wharton into the lead.

Lap 10: Wharton pulled out on Barcia, according to Jeff. One letter would have made a world of difference in that statement, and “n” and “f” are so close together on a keyboard.

Lap 11: No one is talking about Durham running 2nd. No fucks given.

Lap 12: Jake Canada is running in 5th. When did that happen?

Lap 15: Kelly Smith getting lapped by Barcia. Doesn’t move out of the way because as far as he’s concerned, everyone else can just figure out their way around him. Boss lifestyles.

Finish: Wharton takes the win. Did not see that one coming. Durham holds off Barcia like a boss. Time to party.

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Indy For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on March 19, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink
RV Indy

Photo cred: Larry Loopout

Pre-race: Jeff and RC got fired from the “Keys to the Race”, probably in hopes of mixing it up a little bit. Didn’t work. Turns out the key to every race is getting a good start. Who knew?

Holeshot: Mike Alessi. Tony may or may not have been detained by security trying to turn the lights off so the race gets called right now.

Lap 1: Brayton reads BROtocross. Right after we shit on him for being boring, he starts throwing down scrubs on the triples. Dance for me, puppets.

Lap 1 (cont’d): Metty basically wall rides Windham’s shoulder. K-Dub literally shrugs him off. Somehow Metcalfe’s bike didn’t blow up.

Lap 2: Metcalfe rhythming through the whoops. It’s a billion times faster than skimming as long as you’re in the main line. A billion.

Lap 3: Ralph talking about Izzi on the #58. I mistake 0s for 8s, too. When I’m hammered.

Lap 6: Joelessi is still in the lead, but loses it and almost eats shit doing it. He should take it as a victory to go that long without fucking up a rhythm.

Lap 7: “RV gassed up the Kawasaki, fought for traction, and gained ground.” Ralph Sheheen – can’t stop, won’t stop.

Lap 8: Arm-pump Alessi back to 4th. Hit the showers, chief.

Lap 8 (cont’d): Metcalfe flat tracks the second to last corner out of the rut and stays in front of Villopoto. Because ruts are for pussies.

Lap 10: This race would be awesome if we didn’t know that Villopoto was going to win. Scratch that, it would be awesome if Villopoto didn’t know he was going to win.

Lap 11: Villopoto swaps in the whoops, and it sets him up perfectly to block pass Metcalfe. I think we can say with certainty now that if there is a God, he’s a ginger.

Lap 11 (cont’d): Windham-Alessi happens. Even though K-Dub pretty much didn’t touch Alessi, it was still Joelessi’s fault. For existing.

Lap 13: Brayton still skimming the whoops. It’s like watching a dude about to get hit by a car – you’d like to help him, but there’s nothing you can do, so might as well just enjoy the show and try to catch a body part.

Lap 16: Villopoto passes Brayton, Brayton gets the chance to take him out but does not pull the trigger. Bitch.

Lap 17: Metcalfe in third. Doubling triples, like a boss. Oh, and getting passed by Millsaps.

Lap 20: Villopoto might as well just negotiate an early championship with Monster and call it a season. And no, I don’t think he should ride a 250. Just because I love it when the world shits on two stroke BROs.

Finish: VilloBROto, Bray-town, and Davi Gravy in the top 3.

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