Pre-race: Erin chatting it up with Rickie Fowler, who is way smarter than everyone on the line. Golf sluts are the best sluts as long as you keep them quiet, just ask Tiger.
Holeshot: Millsaps and Villopoto are bar to bar, so that essentially means that Villopoto got it and we can all go home.
Lap 1: Not even kidding when I say that I forgot that James was in this race. He’s coming for that 72, just you wait. Running 12th like a boss.
Lap 2: Kiniry and Joelessi running 3rd and 4th. Weimer is feeling good about his chances in 5th.
Lap 3: Weimer into 3rd. His good feelings were justified.
Lap 4: Kyle Regal giving James Stewart the business, James retaliates with a quick lesson in business ethics: Don’t pass me, BRO. Regal hits the dirt.
Lap 7: James eats shit in the rhythm. To quote the tweet of the night by @tmon3yy – Tonight karma was spelled k-y-l-e.
Lap 9: Villopoto just thinking what he can spend this championship bonus on. Probably nothing. We don’t want to get too fancy.
Lap 10: Time to take a break and rank the Monster girls – I’m going with 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 2. Stamp it.
Lap 15: Ralph breaking down everything that Villopoto has won. It basically all starts with “Monster Energy”. I call a fix. The Monster Mafia has connections. Dungey broke his collarbone in a practice crash? More like Tony Soprano was practicing his golf swing on Ryan’s shoulder. With a lead pipe.
Lap 18: Millsaps running an eazy 2nd this whole race. He is also the only guy still tripling in after the start straight. Like a boss.
Lap 20: Nothing happening the last half of this race. I don’t think there was a pass on the track. Villopoto wins the championship, fan-fucking-tastic, can we go outside yet?
Finish: Villopoto wins it, lays the bike down to celebrate. So BRO, just a step below ghost riding. Gravy Millsaps gets second and Weim-Time takes 3rd. Those are not even relevant nicknames beyond rhyming, but I don’t give a fuck.