If you like James Stewart, then the GoPro BROs have been busting out some joints for you over the past week. But this one is totally fresh, because this time, there’s dubstep. Whomping you in the face. We also get some of Millsaps’ footy in the mix, but only when he’s right behind James. You know you are a boss when sponsors hook up a guy just because he’s behind you. He’s Monica Lewinsky to Stewie’s Bill Clinton.
You’ll find the Joelessi bonzai at about 2:50. When in doubt, take ‘em out.
Photo by @vurbswanny
Holeshot: Shorty getting back to his pre-350 form and grabbing the lead off start (although Stew got to the line first). Bubb Stew is right there. Davi Gravy running the #3 spot with Hahn behind him. The Dunge couldn’t pull the start, the carbon fiber batteries aren’t in yet.
1 Minute: Well, there goes James into the lead (and about 1,000 YZ450 sales down the drain).
9 Minutes: Stewart isn’t “2008 gone”, but he’s got a good lead. Shorty, Millsaps, and Metcalfe are starting their own thing in the 2-4 positions.
15 minutes: Metcalfe moves past Millsaps and Short into 2nd. Boner jams ’12 for the Suzuki BROs. The Dunge is catching this crew.
20 minutes: Stewie pretty much has this one locked up. Metcalfe still in second but Millsaps and The Dunge are ripping like a home schooler’s diploma after he gets laughed out of a job interview.
25 minutes: Millsaps gets around Metty World Peace and now The Dunge is looking to follow suit.
29 minutes: Dungey does not give a fuck about braking bumps (more like gayking bumps, am I right?) and gets into the inside of Metcalfe past the mechanics’ area, moving into 3rd.
Finish: James Bubba wins it, still perfect from 2008 if you give him a mulligan for Unadilla 2010.
Holeshot: Tony informed Mike that if he didn’t get a holeshot, he would have to go down to the basement and feed Jeff a Baby Ruth. Mike got that fucking holeshot.
5 minutes: The Dunge passes Alessi, but Mike took it right back. Each lap in the lead is a vision back to the glory days that have long since faded.
7 minutes: Top 4 is pretty tight right now, Alessi leading the freight train of Dungey, Stewart, and Short. Stewart passes The Dunge and looks to pass Alessi, but Mike just watched “Get Rich Or Die Trying” and really took it to heart. Pretty much kamikazes James, it would have been a black flag offense if Stew actually crashed.
7.5 minutes: James passes Mike. Two turns later.
8 minutes: The Dunge moves past Joelessi.
15 minutes: Stew and Dungey are pulling way ahead. The Dunge is pretty close but he can’t make anything happen, James is the ironic carrot to his mule.
25 minutes: Lappers on lappers on lappers. Someday, they’ll replace the blue flag with a potato gun. That would be much more effective and hilarious. You can ignore a blue flag, you aren’t ignoring a 5 pound spud flying at your dome at 700mph.
26 minutes: The lappers aren’t moving for Dungey. He doesn’t have James’ experience at making people pull over (got ‘em).
Finish: James coasts over the finish for the 1-1, The Dunge was not far back in 2nd. Joelessi’s 7-3 is good for 3rd and dinner at the grown up table.
Photo by Ryne Swanberg @vurbswanny
Pre-race: Real talk right now – the Chupacabra references would only make sense if Baggett was pulling that shit on Carmichael (the GOAT).
Holeshot: Surprise, surprise, it’s Barcia. Anyone counting how many he has in the past two years? Me neither, paying attention is for queerosexuals.
1 Minute: Tedesco is really BROing for it. I think he’s listening to Lose Yourself on repeat and thinking the whole time “This is your moment, BRO.” Ivan calls himself BRO. Fact.
10 Minutes: Barcia still out front with Roczen giving him the business like a boss. Tomac is coming in hot in 3rd. Baggett is lurking in the shadows, like a….serial rapist. Better nickname. Rape is hilarious.
I Don’t Know: Roczen has grown tired of giving a fuck and passes Barcia around the outside. Every rider in the top seven right now (Roczen, Barcia, Tomac, Baggett, Musquin Tedesco, Wilson) has won a championship in one way or the other (if you count MXdN. Which you shouldn’t; that shit is child’s play for us).
20 minutes: Deano is off the track. His native Scotsmen would describe his shoulder as “a doss cunt”, as would all the BROs if they knew what that meant.
23 minutes: Roczen was pulling away but Barcia decided to stop being a bitch and is now hounding Ken-doll. Tomac and Baggett are also joining the party, making it quite the foursome.
2 laps to go: Baggett moves past Tomac. Everyone is fucked now.
Last lap: Baggett. That’s all there is to say. Straight fire. That’s the type of finishing power that Viagra wishes they could produce.
Finish: Baggett, Roczen, Barcia
Holeshot: It’s Barcia. Doing cocaine with Justin Barcia would probably be kind of a bitch, he’s always getting to the white line first. Tomac hit the dirt in turn one with Wil Hahn and Jessy Nelson, who was doing a rain dance or something after he got up.
1 minute: Roczen does the Joey-tipover on the inside of Barcia. Not his best trick.
7 minutes: Baggett running second right now, pretty much walking around like his shit don’t stink after that first moto. Swag city for days. This race was pretty much over after he made it out of the first turn without having his arms ripped off.
9 minutes: Baggett moves into the lead, which we are all pissed about since it’s not the last lap and I’m not screaming obscenities and throwing chairs (I am calmly sipping a beverage, like a bitch). Barcia straight-up tried to bonzai Baggett after the pass but checked up, probably realizing that he would have other opportunities to not give a fuck.
18 minutes: Baggett is gonzo. Basically everyone is now banking on him grenading every other weekend again. Roczen has moved back into the top 3, past Marteen.
Finish: That’s a wrap, Baggett murdered everyone. Barcia takes 2nd, Roczen rounds it out in 3rd.
This is a “not sure if” meme three ways to the weekend. Have at it BROs. Captions from the comments section, Facebook, and Instagram will all apply (fuck Twitter), and the winner gets a free tee of his or her (ok, his) choice and stickers. (And people still waiting on shirts: don’t worry, you’ll get your shit before the asshole who wins this gets his. I promise everything is shipping.) Winner will be picked on Friday. Photo by Ryne Swanberg @vurbswanny
Thank you GoPro for demonstrating that the bitching enough generally leads to results. I have heard people constantly saying “Why doesn’t GoPro put up longer videos?” for the whole season, and obviously they have, too. They just put this up as a big “Fuck you” to everybody. You want a longer video? Here’s 36 fucking minutes of James way out front. Enjoy that video, assholes. It is kind of wild to see though, if anyone actually watches the whole thing, make sure to tell me how it went. Did you actually think you were James Stewart after you stepped away from the computer? Like, this is some Being John Malkovich shit. You see what he sees, for an entire moto. I just freaked myself out, better go lie down.
Photos by Ryne Swanberg @vurbswanny
KTM Commandment #1: He who rides a KTM shall carry a KTM umbrella. To go with his toaster.
James looking like D.L. Hughely these days
Call up the replacement replacement rider. Rattray got a few laps in before his hand decided to be a little bitch.
Ken Roczen showing some German style. Pissed off as fuck. Keine fickt gegeben (that's how google translate claims you say "no fucks given" in German)
Zack Freeburg got the call from TMOY, Grant Langston, to rip the KTM for the outdoors.
And Lano is running the TLD bike for a few races. He's generally way better indoors but now he's got a solid bike (and a 450) for MX so look for him to be railing ruts (and the other thing)
Sean Collier still exists. He intends to take his legacy beyond that 3 second cameo in "Motocrossed". He kind of killed it at Hangtown.
Killing it.
...And not so much
Izzi and Hahn are the kings of this photo. Style so gangster it's slangin' car stereos.
Everyone was saying that PC wouldn't be winning too much this year. Guess that starts next weekend.
Barcia's all "Sorry BROs, I only dish out goggles to people who have tits."
Thumbs up if you down with O.P.P.
Your hair reminds me of my handlebars. Renthal should make kevlar scrunchies, they give you less arm pump.
From @racerxonline
5 Ryan Dungey – The Dunge obviously has the results to back his game up recently, but that KTM still looks like a looming cloud of hideous uncertainty to me. He was definitely faster on the Suzuki, stamp it.
7 James Stewart – Stew looks way better on the Suzuki. He likes the bike. Like I said, literally could have given him a Yamaha with Suzuki plastics and he would have killed it. I’m calling him for the win, but every time I gamble I lose so we’ll see where we are on Monday.
10 Justin Brayton – How about Brayton? I remember when he was some arenacross joe; now he’s factory and just doing whack-off gestures in your face. I think he’ll be right about where he was in SX, up front in “tier 2″.
11 Kyle Chisholm – Chiz is definitely a better outdoor rider. As vanilla as Ice Ice Baby, but a good rider. JWR BROs are looking for some top 10s. Actually, they’re probably looking for top 5s, but I don’t see many of those in their basket.
18 David Millsaps – Millsaps is the big fish at JGR now. As long as he’s walking with that swagger (and not stopping it), he should be a top 5er.
21 Jake Weimer – Would you consider Weimer to be the marquis rider at Kawi now? Probably, right? He hasn’t won anything on the 450, but Rattray has never ridden one other than MXdN. Put Weimer down for a couple of podiums.
23 Gareth Swanepoel – Did not even know Swanny was riding 450s until just this second. He was the only dude to beat Mitch last year, so he can fucks with the big dogs. And that wasn’t a typo, I wrote “fucks.” Kind of on a Method Man thing right now.
24 Brett Metcalfe – Metty is going to do well because nothing lights a fire under a guy’s ass like being usurped as the focal rider under a tent. He’s also a better outdoor rider anyway. I see some top 3s.
26 Michael Byrne – Byrner was out for all of SX, and he’s on a team that typically struggles like the worst morning after ever. He’s the guy over there, but he needs some factory shit if he’s going to do anything.
27 Nicholas Wey – What I said for Byrne.
28 Tyla Rattray – Rattray’s another question mark for me. His fitness is what is going to get him places, but the guys in this class are generally pretty solid in that category. This isn’t the kid’s table, BRO. Step the speed game up.
29 Andrew Short – Short will probably be pretty solid. I wonder if he has to wrestle with Larry Brooks before every moto like Joelessi did in ’05? That wasn’t uncomfortable or anything.
32 Tommy Hahn – Hahn is kind of a machine outdoors, I’m surprised no one has been saying that. He’s also on the factory Honda. Of course, he’s one of a few candidates who always did way better off a factory bike rather than on one.
33 Josh Grant – I wasn’t really thinking about JG to do anything this year but he crept some good rides in at the end of SX. He was probably the only guy who smoked The Dunge a couple of times in 2010, but that was a while ago (pre-child).
36 Kyle Regal – Regal is also kind of a machine outdoors. Now he’s on a bike that he actually likes. And if worse comes to worst, he can just live off the sugar teen momma. I’ll take it, sandwiches for everyone.
46 Les Smith – Lester The Molester is riding for Langston. He’s golden.
48 Jimmy Albertson – Albertson needs to shake off that horrendous SX season and keep banging his hot wife. She replaced Erin Bates. She’s British. Probably says “lieu” and “torch”. But she’s still hot. Good for you, Jimmy. Oh yeah, and ride well and stuff.
50 Nico Izzi – Guarantee that Izzi lays down top 5 lap times pretty much every practice. He just needs to have fewer children and start putting down motos and he will be a top 5 guy.
52 Ben LaMay – 15th place. Next.
53 Ryan Sipes – Sipes is another dude who is fast as fuck but cannot put together a moto outdoors. He’s also coming off an injury and jumping up to the 450 class. He gets good starts on the 4-fatty, so I’ll give him some holeys and a smile.
59 Vince Friese – Vince might be the poster child of “No Fucks Given”. Fights on the starting line, taking anyone and everyone out, and he’s also privateer now so I would look out if I was everyone else on the track. Or around it.
60 Mathew Lemoine – Lemoine is also jumping up to the 450. His SX season was pretty flacid (yeah, flacid). No boner at all. We’ll see if he can get some people hard on the big bike. To be honest, I’m not expecting much, probably gonna need some help from the blocked sites on my computer.
232 Billy Laninovich – Lano is riding the TLD 450 for a few rounds at least. He’s a boss, but was always better indoors. As long as he’s throwing whips in everyone’s face, he’ll be a winner in my book.
439 Ryan Hughes – Ryno is actually racing. I have no idea where he will be. I swear to you I have been hearing from people that he’ll easily crack the top 10, maybe top 5. No lie. He’s probably meditating on it right now.
800 Mike Alessi – People think Alessi will do way better this year, but I’m not really seeing it. I think people forget that he rode the 450 last year for KTM, not the tree-fiddy. He’ll probably be about the same as he was, but with a black bike. Dock him two positions right there.
9 Ivan Tedesco – This one was really out of left field. The last time IT rode a 250, he won both championships. He was the “It” guy of the class (wordplay is awesome). But I don’t think he has the energy to handle the young bucks. He’s like Vin Diesel in that babysitter movie – he might be able to handle hardened criminals, but the kids just eat him alive.
12 Blake Baggett – If ever there was a time to step up for Baggett, this is it. Deano’s injured, Durham’s out, and Rattray’s got the big boy pants on. This is like 8 Mile, BRO. It’s your moment. Don’t fuck it up.
17 Eli Tomac – The kid was boss lifestyles every day of the week during the SX season. He also won Hangtown in his first try, clearly living a no fucks given hangover from amateurs. He hasn’t won yet since then.
19 Kyle Cunningham – Cunningham is the fastest guy that no one ever thinks about. He’s like the Luigi of the 250 class – solid player, valuable skills, but every chick is trying to fuck Mario and he knows it. If I was Mitch, I’d have Cunningham on the bike ASAFP.
20 Justin Barcia – After SX, how can you bet against Barcia? Murdered everyone, and he has already got a 450 ride lined up. He’s walking through the pits like his dick swings to the floor and everyone thinks it does.
30 Alex Martin – Martin is a ripper. Very short; if I picture those old guys in Moneyball breaking down riders, that’s all they’d say about him. I hear his younger BRO is faster than him now, too, and that’s tough to overcome. Like you are pretty much sitting with the family dog at dinner.
31 Martin Davalos – Marteen is fast but I know that he has bike problems like Tony has head problems, so it’s all kind of up in the air the way I see it.
37 Malcolm Stewart – He crashed his balls off in SX but that kind of runs in the fam. Outdoors is easier on you in that sense, that you can afford to make more mistakes. I think Malcolm will be a top 10 guy.
38 Marvin Musquin – Everyone is picking Roczen to win for KTM but the last time they raced an outdoor series together, Musquin pretty much handed it to Roczen every time. Just saying…
44 Jason Anderson – Kid’s a ripper. If he harbors no fucks, then he will do well. Simple as that.
49 Justin Bogle – Bogle shreds. He’s got some top 5s in him. I like the kid’s style, and the fact that when you take him out, you get smacked the fuck up. Where’s the slap powder?
51 Travis Baker – The Baker boy is also a ripper. He rocked his dome at Salt Lake so I’m going to give him a round to get his shit together.
57 Jake Canada – He’s the only 250 guy left at MotoConcepts to my knowledge. It must suck to be the only guy under the tent with Mike. If Jake can crack some top 10s, that will be a downright heroic effort.
58 Wil Hahn – You know where Hahn kills it? Starts. Easily the best spot to kill it when you are in a class this stacked. I think he’ll rip a few holeys then settle into 6th or 7th, give or take.
67 Scott Champion – Scott “The Fucking” Champion. His woman is too hot. How can he concentrate on riding? Must have the focus of a samurai. I would seriously just tell her to get lost until after the motos. I’ll make my own goddamn sandwiches. Actually no, make them, then leave.
68 Shane Sewell – How old is Shane Sewell? For real. I was looking at results from 1999 and saw his name (from Indiana, so I assume it’s the same guy). The fuck, BRO? What are you, 40?
70 Ken Roczen – Roczen is pimpin’ pimpin’ these days. He did well in SX considering how many times he rocked his face in 2011, and now we are going outdoors, his element. Serious point though – Ken has a girlfriend now. BRO, you are 17 and a world champion. Complete lapse in judgment, did you learn nothing from Weimer?
93 AJ Catanzaro – You want to know why AJ Cat is going to throw down this year? Because Langston is his team manager. Team Manager of the Year is a mortal lock.
96 Kyle Peters – I really don’t know about Peters. When he started doing well as an amateur I was like “Wait, really?” Then he started doing really well and I was like “Wait, really??” So if the trend continues, he’ll do awesome this year and I’ll be three question-marking that shit.
126 Hunter Hewitt – 10th-15th. His dad owns the team so he don’t give a fuck. Next.
136 Jessy Nelson – I want him to win, just so I can give him a thumbs up and then laugh about it, like a boss.
956 Blake Wharton – Wharton will probably be pretty good. I thought he was all done after getting dumped by Geico but he won a race this year and clearly runs a hairdo that says “I haven’t given a fuck since 1963 and I wasn’t even born yet.”
It has been floating around all week that Jessy Nelson would be skipping LL and doing the Barcia/Tomac and just showing up at Hangtown. Now it is o-fucking-fficial and I must say, I am intrigued. This kid has been on my radar since Loretta’s ’05 when he pretty much destroyed everyone in the 7-11 class, not unlike the way Mexican people destroy the taquitos at a real 7-11 like it’s a buffet. But then coming in to ’06 the dude lost his thumb (joe) and was all bent out of shape about it. Eventually he was all “Fuck thumbs” and got everything together again and now he is a certified ripper. Everyone has been telling me that he’s hauling the mail at the Cali tracks on the regular, so it will be interesting to see how he fares at H-town. I’m calling a definite top 15, with potential for a top 10 if he continues to not give a fuck, which a lot of riders have an issue with coming out of the amateurs.
James Stewart is claiming (but not really) that he is in for Hangtown now. And all my sources (which I may or may not have made up, you’ll never know) say there is not a chance it is on a JGR bike. We know that James has had a Suzuki at his house this whole year just cold chilling in the garage, waiting for his Yamaha to reject him the way it always does, like a heartless bitch.
Pretty much everyone is tweeting/emailing this to me saying “Of course he’s in now that RV is out.” Who gives a fuck? Seriously BRO, who gives a fuck? Now the nationals are going to be better, that’s all there is too it. Even if for just one race (provided James actually shows up), they will be better. Like I said before, James needs the outdoors to calm himself down; there is way more room for error out there so he can get himself away from the code red that is undoubtedly going off in his brain 24 hours a day right now. And at least now we have James and The Dunge to hold down the 450 class. I really don’t think that Dungey has anything for Stewart if James is riding 100%, but that’s an “if” the size of Khloe Kardashian’s stack of McDonald’s receipts.
