Think you got the next AC? I don't doubt it, but let's make sure the proper steps are taken
If you saw the first episode of the new season of Inside The Outdoors, then you saw how horrendously depressing professional motocross actually can be if you don’t do it properly (which is to be better than everyone else). With the sport in a state of turmoil, it’s good to show the kids how much they definitely do not want to get into it, but more importantly, it’s important that the parents understand just how much money their little employee can make for them. After all, if you are going to have kids, you should expect a return on your investment. Here are a few simple steps to ensure that your kid will be covering the tab on the mojitos with the little umbrellas in Cabo in 10 years.
Get Him Out Of School
Seriously BRO, fuck school
This should really go without saying. I don’t even know why I am writing this in here. If your kid is in kindergarten, he’s already way behind the 8-ball. If you did it properly, your kid has all the street smarts he needs by 5. Wait any longer and you might as well hand the kid a mop and get to work on that custodial apprenticeship, because there’s no light at the end of this fucker’s tunnel.
Scream. Like, A Lot.
What, you think you're better than me?!
Nothing motivates a young child like a red-faced, saliva-spewing shit storm in his grill after he didn’t hit triple triple through the rhythm section. He doubled, like a little bitch. Kid had this coming. I really don’t think anyone is going to object to a little backhand action either, just make sure the cops aren’t looking. Remember, domestic violence only counts when you get caught.
Do Your “Networking”
Yoga pants are a must for the ambitious moto mom
This is more for the moto moms: if you’re hot (and you know whether you are or not, let’s cut the bullshit), you possess a priceless asset in this endeavor. Everyone loves a hot mom who gives underage kids drinks and does body shots with reps. And don’t kid yourself in arguing that won’t get your child ahead when contract season comes up. Prostitution is a profession that has stood the test of time like no other, and there’s a reason. Guys (especially in moto) will go to absurd lengths to get their fuck on, and that absolutely includes putting their career on the line.
Buy More Shit
This is what your arsenal should look like
Let’s do the math here: The pros ride factory bikes. The pros are pros. Therefore, your kid rides a factory bike, he’s a pro. You’d be surprised the quality of ride you can get if you take out a second mortgage on the house and replace your woman’s wedding diamond with a fake while she’s busy working the room at an industry party. Remember, it’s always the machine, just a fact of life.
Time is money. And Rocko kicked ass.
Right down to the minute, you should have everything planned. Wake up at 5:30. Push ups till 5:45, then 100 mile roadbike ride till 6:45 (pro pace, try to keep up) and so on. Remember that this is a job; if it was supposed to be fun, there would be alcohol involved.
Use That Internet
We live a world run by technology. It’s all about Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, You
JizzTube, and all the other bullshit that keeps me away from being productive every single day. Not only should your kid be dialed in with all of the above, you should be constantly sending press releases and videos to all of the major outlets. Seriously, that kid has an unusually timed bowel movement, I need a PR on it. And make sure you edit any and all videos to the song “Remember The Name” by Fort Minor, because seriously, how can you not?