Tag Archives: funny

Merry Late Xmas Video From Brett Cue

Posted on December 26, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink


This is a phone video, so it looks much better when watched on one.

A little late for Xmas but here at BRO, we subscribe to the belief that there is never a wrong time to give the people a gift like this. This comes straight from the People’s Champion of Whips, Brett Cue, who decided to take an ill-advised crack at Endurocross with exceptional results for the viewers. It’s something that I have said once or ten times, but Endurocross just is not my cup of tea. I mean, watching guys who are great riders look like back of the pack C-class joeys all over the place does not get my motor running. I do love watching women’s EX, though. That’s a blast. Out of the kitchen and into the hospital should be the slogan for that one.

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No One Taught The Mexican Police How To Seat Bounce

Posted on December 6, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Here we have a prime example of what happens when not giving a fuck goes wrong. Guy was leading the pack, completely committed to showing the whole squad that he’s got game on the cruiser, only to get absolutely rocked by a rogue speed bump. Seriously chief, you need SX suspension if you’re going to seat bounce small, steep lips going mach 2. Where’s your brain? This is the type of shit I think of when I see all the joeys who have to holeshot practice or else they want to kill themselves. Sometimes, it’s better to just relax BROs.

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6 Ways To Ensure That Your Kid Goes Pro

Posted on November 14, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Think you got the next AC? I don't doubt it, but let's make sure the proper steps are taken

If you saw the first episode of the new season of Inside The Outdoors, then you saw how horrendously depressing professional motocross actually can be if you don’t do it properly (which is to be better than everyone else). With the sport in a state of turmoil, it’s good to show the kids how much they definitely do not want to get into it, but more importantly, it’s important that the parents understand just how much money their little employee can make for them. After all, if you are going to have kids, you should expect a return on your investment. Here are a few simple steps to ensure that your kid will be covering the tab on the mojitos with the little umbrellas in Cabo in 10 years.

Get Him Out Of School

Seriously BRO, fuck school

This should really go without saying. I don’t even know why I am writing this in here. If your kid is in kindergarten, he’s already way behind the 8-ball. If you did it properly, your kid has all the street smarts he needs by 5. Wait any longer and you might as well hand the kid a mop and get to work on that custodial apprenticeship, because there’s no light at the end of this fucker’s tunnel.

Scream. Like, A Lot.

What, you think you're better than me?!

Nothing motivates a young child like a red-faced, saliva-spewing shit storm in his grill after he didn’t hit triple triple through the rhythm section. He doubled, like a little bitch. Kid had this coming. I really don’t think anyone is going to object to a little backhand action either, just make sure the cops aren’t looking. Remember, domestic violence only counts when you get caught.

Do Your “Networking”

Yoga pants are a must for the ambitious moto mom

This is more for the moto moms: if you’re hot (and you know whether you are or not, let’s cut the bullshit), you possess a priceless asset in this endeavor. Everyone loves a hot mom who gives underage kids drinks and does body shots with reps. And don’t kid yourself in arguing that won’t get your child ahead when contract season comes up. Prostitution is a profession that has stood the test of time like no other, and there’s a reason. Guys (especially in moto) will go to absurd lengths to get their fuck on, and that absolutely includes putting their career on the line.

Buy More Shit

This is what your arsenal should look like

Let’s do the math here: The pros ride factory bikes. The pros are pros. Therefore, your kid rides a factory bike, he’s a pro. You’d be surprised the quality of ride you can get if you take out a second mortgage on the house and replace your woman’s wedding diamond with a fake while she’s busy working the room at an industry party. Remember, it’s always the machine, just a fact of life.

Schedule Everything

Time is money. And Rocko kicked ass.

Right down to the minute, you should have everything planned. Wake up at 5:30. Push ups till 5:45, then 100 mile roadbike ride till 6:45 (pro pace, try to keep up) and so on. Remember that this is a job; if it was supposed to be fun, there would be alcohol involved.

Use That Internet

We live a world run by technology. It’s all about Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouJizzTube, and all the other bullshit that keeps me away from being productive every single day. Not only should your kid be dialed in with all of the above, you should be constantly sending press releases and videos to all of the major outlets. Seriously, that kid has an unusually timed bowel movement, I need a PR on it. And make sure you edit any and all videos to the song “Remember The Name” by Fort Minor, because seriously, how can you not?

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Bike Life Joe Smashes His Quad Into A Parked Car

Posted on November 8, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

With Meek Mill and Chino blowing up bike life like a school child in Nagasaki these days, stuff like this is what I am most excited about. I mean, not all black people residing in an urban metropolis can possibly be good at this shit, right? So when all the joes start emerging from the woodwork to try their hand at the WOWBoyz lifestyle, it’s going to do phenomenal things for people like me who take such jubilation out of seeing others get hurt. And it’s on a quad. For the win.

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250 D Rider At Perris Is Terrified, Probably Because He’s Landing On Someone

Posted on November 5, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Perfect video. Like, right from the beginning, I was in. Had me hooked right when everyone is smoking the clutch on the concrete start. A start for the Beginner class always results in one of two sounds: smoked clutches and tires on a concrete start, or the quick BLAP then silence as everyone corrects themselves from the whiskey throttle wheelies on a dirt start. This was obviously the former. But then homeboy is ten different types of squirrelly on the course and then it’s only getting better. When you’ve made five saves and your only in turn three, you know your luck has to run out eventually. We could even go as far as to say that the actual crash wasn’t his fault, but then again, it takes a definite degree of self-awareness when riding the D class to understand that the people in front of you are probably not going to hit a 90 footer on the first lap. Or ever.

Ok, I just now read the description on the video and apparently that was a chick that the guy landed on, which means it’s entirely his fault. You should have known, chief:

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Halloween Special: How To Make Your Pick-Up Kit Costume Work

Posted on October 31, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Swing and a miss

Last year, I blogged why the pick-up kit costume will not fly. This year, BRO is going to take the sympathy angle and actually try to help all the joes who cannot live without letting the world know that they rode a dirt bike once. It seems that it needs to be mentioned every year. The business of Halloween is candy and getting laid. Seriously, that’s all that you should have on your mind. Maybe getting hammered, too. But that pretty much comes with getting laid or even being awake, if you’re a boss. But every year, moto BROs show up to parties rocking a straight pick-up kit. Just their riding jersey and pants, like an asshole. But while I may have condemned the pick-up kit costume before, but here are a few ways to make it suck a little less:

Go Old School

Because this movie still kicks every other moto movie in the nuts

Have one of those ancient Suzuki jerseys with the black mesh that looks like it came out of the meat packing (and I do mean meat packing) district in San Francisco? Then you’ve got a costume. Generally, I subscribe to the belief that new is always better. But the whole art of Halloween is to dress up as something you are not. Is that girl really a slutty cat, slutty nurse, slutty alien, slutty lawnmower, slutty stop sign, or slutty prostitute? No, she is just a slut. It’s all about taking it beyond your everyday routine. Get an old school jersey and you are on your way to a costume that doesn’t make everyone hate you. Better yet, just dress as On Any Sunday, like carry around a boombox playing the theme and everything. Instalaid, that’s what that’s called.

Headwear

Steeze Louise

So key in the pick-up kit costume. What do joes wear? A normal hat or helmet. Stupid. What is the point? You might as well wear a sign that says “I’m actually a terrible person”. You have displayed zero creativity or sense of humor and let the whole party know that you actually suck at riding because your HJC visor is way too low or the brim on your Monster hat could not get any flatter. What do bosses run? Probably a mullet. And not a wig; a real mullet. Everyone got laid in the 80s with mullets, and with your old ass jersey, you know that it’s time to complete package. It takes some planning and discipline, probably going to need to grow out your hair for a few months. But hey, with great mullet comes great responsibility. Also, throw on some goggles, but they have to be loaded with tear-offs, because wearing goggles is a universally accepted invitation to have beer spit in your face, a favor which you can then return to the fuckwad not wearing goggles.

Accessories

Picture this, but better.

What is the ideal accessory for a legit pick-up kit costume? A bike. Bring a 110, it can fit inside the party and will do wonders for the entertainment factor after a keg stand or 12. Drinking responsibly is for people who don’t get laid. A couple 2x4s, a table, and a large fire and you have the makings for the savage stunt of the night. Jump that shit and basically put on your flood boots for the stream of pussy that will be flowing your way.

Make It Ironic

Ok fine BRO, you can dress like Bubbs if you also wear Jordans.

If all else fails, throw something together that at least all the other moto BROs will think is funny. Wear an Alessi jersey, but print #1 on it. Or if you’re black, dress as anyone other than James Stewart. Maybe show up as Broc Hepler but don’t have a concussion. If you’re a KTM woods ripper, maybe wear KTM everything, and I mean everything…

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BRO Brawl At Perris

Posted on October 25, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

You know, for all the times I can recall seeing a couple of dudes duke it out at the track (or better yet, on the track), I can’t think of any that involved this many BROs. Like, even the chick – BRO. I hated everyone in this video. The old guys suck, the young guys care way too much about what’s going on, and that bitch in the pink needs to have her vocal cords removed ASAP. Best part of the video: I’m 95% sure this happened during a practice. I’m sure the Cali BROs can lend some knowledge, but this definitely looked like a practice on the course. Meaning that all of these ‘tards got that upset over something that happened in practice. Fighting in that scenario may seem like NFG, but it couldn’t be more on the opposite side of the FG spectrum.

P.S. Having said all that, gotta respect the kid in the Shift gear. Dude would not quit, and those older guys could have completely rocked him. Do you, BRO. Do you.

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6 Idiotic Misconceptions Of MX The Mainstream Needs Explained To Them

Posted on October 24, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

It has been too long since I’ve shit on the mainstream of society for being different than me. I mean, what the hell are they even thinking? As an MX racer,  we have all had to deal with these types of people at parties, functions, and basically any social gathering. When you were a kid, you loved telling people you raced moto. You thought it made you cool and made girls want to hold your hand. But most of us quickly realized to keep that bit of info in the dark, since revealing it usually means having to give a lesson on one or all of these points, and I’m usually way too loaded to possess that kind of focus and patience. Let’s take a look:

The difference between moto and FMX

No bitch, not like that.

#1 response you’ll get from some clueless bimbo after she finds out that you ride: “Oh, so like that stuff in X-Games? lol” Jesus Christ, no. Not like that. Nothing against FMX, it’s just not what I do. Then it becomes some horrible conversation about the fact that I can’t do any tricks, and now the bitch thinks I am a complete joe because the last time I tried a heelclicker, I rocked my dome so hard I thought I was in Tibet shooting the shit with the Dalai Lama.

There isn’t really a powerband

Now available in brown!!

Oh, the powerband. What sadistic asshole even came up with that term? I’m almost positive it was Hitler. I’ll never forget the first time someone asked me if my bike had a powerband: I was 9 years old, KX60 years, and a grown man asked me that. Keep in mind that I wasn’t even fully aware of how to properly chew my food at this point in my life, yet I still looked at this guy and said “Are you fucking kidding me, BRO?” Never again, just walk away.

A 450 isn’t twice as big as a 250

Old school 450 rippaaa

This one most commonly comes from the worst type of mainstreamer: That guy who actually has one piece of moto knowledge; that piece generally being that he knows enough to “name drop” the term 250. But it all goes to shit when you explain that you race a 450. Like, their mind is blown. “A 450?! That’s, like, 200 more than 250.” Hang on a sec…just checking your math there, chief. Yep, I got the same thing. In their head, they are picturing this incredible mass of aluminum on wheels the size of monster trucks with an engine that looks like it came straight from Optimus Prime’s ribcage. No BRO, no. That is not quite the case…

The bike isn’t street legal

Why? Because I don't race an XR650, asshole

Seriously BRO, just fuck off.

I don’t fucking know how fast I’m going out there

I may have touched on this point once or twice in previous blogs but it deserves repeating. Listen up, world, we don’t fucking know how fast we are going, and asking me to guess is like asking a retarded dolphin to play the clarinet. How fast do I think I’m going? Well it sure feels like 120mph, so I’m going with that.

It’s not “motorcross”

I'm sure you do, Grand Cyclops

Adding an “r” in this instance is about the same as pronouncing the “r” at the end of the n-word: It makes you a terrible person. It makes you the type of person who probably burns puppies to power your heroin factory, even though everyone knows that burning puppies are less energy efficient.

Not This: Motocross isn’t easy

I’m adding this one in right here because it’s time to stop trying to explain this. People don’t get it, and who the fuck cares? They suck. They play ultimate frisbee and go to Dave Matthews Band concerts. So why do you care about communicating the difficulty of your sport to them? Moreover, who even cares if it’s difficult? We race because it’s fun. If I liked things because they were difficult, I’d have kept trying to solve that Rubik’s Cube that is now in a million pieces on I-95.

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Opening Up The Week With A Boot To The Face

Posted on October 15, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Loved the way it started, hated how it turned out. I mean, if you are going to go straight for the kick to the face, it usually means that you genuinely want to hurt the other guy. You have to respect that. No bullshit “fighting for the sake of fighting” mindset, the dude was out for blood. I mean, he was probably going to win that race, and everyone knows that the factory scouts are watching what goes down at nothing races that no one cares about, so it was totally warranted. Curbstomp that bitch all the way back to the Bultaco days. But then it quickly became apparent that neither of the two fuckwads knew how to fight when they wound up in what legitimately could have been a loving embrace as much as it could have been a scuffle. Perhaps there is more to the story than we are getting here, as these two lovebirds are hashing out some serious relationship problems on and off the track. Maybe it really doesn’t get better.

Kudos to the camera guy, and best wishes on recovering from that seizure.

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Boss Move Of The Day – Running In Front Of The Line When A Moto Starts

Posted on October 10, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

You have to give it to this guy for going for it. XR80s and TTR100s on the line, revs up, but he needs to get to the slut on the other side handing out BJs for sips of beer. That’s why he did it, no question about it. Men, we understand it, a tap-in blowie is not something that comes around everyday, and when it does, the window of opportunity is usually a short one. Guy knew that waiting for that moto to start could have been the difference between explosive success and nursing a case of blue balls in his next moto. Have you ever ridden with blue balls? Indisputable proof of the existence of Satan, let me tell you. BRO’s all “Fuck that noise” and rips it. Like a boss.

P.S. Had he come through this without spilling his beer, chick would have been on her knees before the camera cut, done deal.

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