It has been too long since I’ve shit on the mainstream of society for being different than me. I mean, what the hell are they even thinking? As an MX racer, we have all had to deal with these types of people at parties, functions, and basically any social gathering. When you were a kid, you loved telling people you raced moto. You thought it made you cool and made girls want to hold your hand. But most of us quickly realized to keep that bit of info in the dark, since revealing it usually means having to give a lesson on one or all of these points, and I’m usually way too loaded to possess that kind of focus and patience. Let’s take a look:
The difference between moto and FMX
No bitch, not like that.
#1 response you’ll get from some clueless bimbo after she finds out that you ride: “Oh, so like that stuff in X-Games? lol” Jesus Christ, no. Not like that. Nothing against FMX, it’s just not what I do. Then it becomes some horrible conversation about the fact that I can’t do any tricks, and now the bitch thinks I am a complete joe because the last time I tried a heelclicker, I rocked my dome so hard I thought I was in Tibet shooting the shit with the Dalai Lama.
There isn’t really a powerband
Now available in brown!!
Oh, the powerband. What sadistic asshole even came up with that term? I’m almost positive it was Hitler. I’ll never forget the first time someone asked me if my bike had a powerband: I was 9 years old, KX60 years, and a grown man asked me that. Keep in mind that I wasn’t even fully aware of how to properly chew my food at this point in my life, yet I still looked at this guy and said “Are you fucking kidding me, BRO?” Never again, just walk away.
A 450 isn’t twice as big as a 250
Old school 450 rippaaa
This one most commonly comes from the worst type of mainstreamer: That guy who actually has one piece of moto knowledge; that piece generally being that he knows enough to “name drop” the term 250. But it all goes to shit when you explain that you race a 450. Like, their mind is blown. “A 450?! That’s, like, 200 more than 250.” Hang on a sec…just checking your math there, chief. Yep, I got the same thing. In their head, they are picturing this incredible mass of aluminum on wheels the size of monster trucks with an engine that looks like it came straight from Optimus Prime’s ribcage. No BRO, no. That is not quite the case…
The bike isn’t street legal
Why? Because I don't race an XR650, asshole
Seriously BRO, just fuck off.
I don’t fucking know how fast I’m going out there
I may have touched on this point once or twice in previous blogs but it deserves repeating. Listen up, world, we don’t fucking know how fast we are going, and asking me to guess is like asking a retarded dolphin to play the clarinet. How fast do I think I’m going? Well it sure feels like 120mph, so I’m going with that.
It’s not “motorcross”
I'm sure you do, Grand Cyclops
Adding an “r” in this instance is about the same as pronouncing the “r” at the end of the n-word: It makes you a terrible person. It makes you the type of person who probably burns puppies to power your heroin factory, even though everyone knows that burning puppies are less energy efficient.
Not This: Motocross isn’t easy
I’m adding this one in right here because it’s time to stop trying to explain this. People don’t get it, and who the fuck cares? They suck. They play ultimate frisbee and go to Dave Matthews Band concerts. So why do you care about communicating the difficulty of your sport to them? Moreover, who even cares if it’s difficult? We race because it’s fun. If I liked things because they were difficult, I’d have kept trying to solve that Rubik’s Cube that is now in a million pieces on I-95.