1. Ask for plastics - Not sure about the rest of the country, but I know that at Southwick, you were a fucking Joe unless you walked away from the pits fully decked out in factory plastics. And if all you got was a bar pad, just throw yourself into on-coming traffic. Of course, that all meant sprinting to the pits after the last moto and going to every single truck asking “Hey, can I have some plastics?” right after the mechanics have trudged back to the truck and have a legendary case of swamp ass. And if you are above the age of 15 and still pull that shit, you should literally shake a mechanic’s hand when he doesn’t take a T-handle to your face immediately after you ask if you can have Ryan Dungey’s fucking rear fender.
2. Tell them how great their job is - Listen BRO, they have heard it before. Like, the guy standing next to you just said it, that’s how often they hear it. You want to know what else? Everyone thinks a mechanic’s job is way better than it actually is. No one cares that you work a 9-5 and the highlight of your day is when the receptionist calls you a name that at least begins with the same letter as your actual name. It is still work for them and you are fucking it up.
3. Hand them a resume - This should probably be number one, but at the same time, it provides just as much humor as anger for a lot of guys. This is essentially the moto equivalent of handing your mixtape to someone who knows Puffy; there is not a shot in hell that they would jeopardize their reputation for your shitty trip-hop CD. They know instantly that you suck, beyond the shadow of a doubt. Because you brought your mix-tape resume to the fucking race. Actually, making an actual mix-tape resume is a probably great strategy. Outside the box, BRO.
4. Ask what they are doing - What is this, the goddamn learning annex? Do you honestly think that asking the guy how tight he tightens Villopoto’s side panel bolts is productive in any way? And does it not tip you off when a guy is literally trying to keep his own sweat from falling into BRO’s clutch or oil that he probably does not need to talk to some idiot with a bag full of rider posters and four souvenir hats on his head?
5. Offer advice - This one goes hand-in-hand with the previous point. Hold on a second, chief – what do you do for a living again? Oh, you’re an accountant. Ok, now let’s hear it again exactly how many clicks I should go out on the compression. Listen BRO, the mechanic is busy. When he needs tax advice, I’m sure he won’t go to you because you have clearly displayed that your own lack of common sense is so vast that it undoubtedly pours over into your professional life, too. And I’ll bet your wife cheats on you.
P.S. – you can follow all of these with “and not be a hot chick”. That would be more accurate.