1 Dean Wilson – Dean is hurt and couldn’t really give a fuck. He is still going to race and probably still do well, and just shit on everyone’s brain the way Carmichael did when he used to tell people he was sick.
9 Ivan Tedesco – This one was really out of left field. The last time IT rode a 250, he won both championships. He was the “It” guy of the class (wordplay is awesome). But I don’t think he has the energy to handle the young bucks. He’s like Vin Diesel in that babysitter movie – he might be able to handle hardened criminals, but the kids just eat him alive.
12 Blake Baggett – If ever there was a time to step up for Baggett, this is it. Deano’s injured, Durham’s out, and Rattray’s got the big boy pants on. This is like 8 Mile, BRO. It’s your moment. Don’t fuck it up.
17 Eli Tomac – The kid was boss lifestyles every day of the week during the SX season. He also won Hangtown in his first try, clearly living a no fucks given hangover from amateurs. He hasn’t won yet since then.
19 Kyle Cunningham – Cunningham is the fastest guy that no one ever thinks about. He’s like the Luigi of the 250 class – solid player, valuable skills, but every chick is trying to fuck Mario and he knows it. If I was Mitch, I’d have Cunningham on the bike ASAFP.
20 Justin Barcia – After SX, how can you bet against Barcia? Murdered everyone, and he has already got a 450 ride lined up. He’s walking through the pits like his dick swings to the floor and everyone thinks it does.
30 Alex Martin – Martin is a ripper. Very short; if I picture those old guys in Moneyball breaking down riders, that’s all they’d say about him. I hear his younger BRO is faster than him now, too, and that’s tough to overcome. Like you are pretty much sitting with the family dog at dinner.
31 Martin Davalos – Marteen is fast but I know that he has bike problems like Tony has head problems, so it’s all kind of up in the air the way I see it.
37 Malcolm Stewart – He crashed his balls off in SX but that kind of runs in the fam. Outdoors is easier on you in that sense, that you can afford to make more mistakes. I think Malcolm will be a top 10 guy.
38 Marvin Musquin – Everyone is picking Roczen to win for KTM but the last time they raced an outdoor series together, Musquin pretty much handed it to Roczen every time. Just saying…
44 Jason Anderson – Kid’s a ripper. If he harbors no fucks, then he will do well. Simple as that.
49 Justin Bogle – Bogle shreds. He’s got some top 5s in him. I like the kid’s style, and the fact that when you take him out, you get smacked the fuck up. Where’s the slap powder?
51 Travis Baker – The Baker boy is also a ripper. He rocked his dome at Salt Lake so I’m going to give him a round to get his shit together.
57 Jake Canada – He’s the only 250 guy left at MotoConcepts to my knowledge. It must suck to be the only guy under the tent with Mike. If Jake can crack some top 10s, that will be a downright heroic effort.
58 Wil Hahn – You know where Hahn kills it? Starts. Easily the best spot to kill it when you are in a class this stacked. I think he’ll rip a few holeys then settle into 6th or 7th, give or take.
67 Scott Champion – Scott “The Fucking” Champion. His woman is too hot. How can he concentrate on riding? Must have the focus of a samurai. I would seriously just tell her to get lost until after the motos. I’ll make my own goddamn sandwiches. Actually no, make them, then leave.
68 Shane Sewell – How old is Shane Sewell? For real. I was looking at results from 1999 and saw his name (from Indiana, so I assume it’s the same guy). The fuck, BRO? What are you, 40?
70 Ken Roczen – Roczen is pimpin’ pimpin’ these days. He did well in SX considering how many times he rocked his face in 2011, and now we are going outdoors, his element. Serious point though – Ken has a girlfriend now. BRO, you are 17 and a world champion. Complete lapse in judgment, did you learn nothing from Weimer?
93 AJ Catanzaro – You want to know why AJ Cat is going to throw down this year? Because Langston is his team manager. Team Manager of the Year is a mortal lock.
96 Kyle Peters – I really don’t know about Peters. When he started doing well as an amateur I was like “Wait, really?” Then he started doing really well and I was like “Wait, really??” So if the trend continues, he’ll do awesome this year and I’ll be three question-marking that shit.
126 Hunter Hewitt – 10th-15th. His dad owns the team so he don’t give a fuck. Next.
136 Jessy Nelson – I want him to win, just so I can give him a thumbs up and then laugh about it, like a boss.
956 Blake Wharton – Wharton will probably be pretty good. I thought he was all done after getting dumped by Geico but he won a race this year and clearly runs a hairdo that says “I haven’t given a fuck since 1963 and I wasn’t even born yet.”
Pre-race: Erin just said freakish on TV. I bet she’s into some freak ish. And SPEED just created a great new hashtag – #28TylaRattrayProblems
Lap 3: Talking about how tight the battle for the lead is but we are on lap 3, so… it’s really not that close. Finding things to talk about is hard.
Lap 7: Anderson dealing with Roczen while Tomac is out. 2 seconds a lap on JA.
Lap 12: Osborne welcoming The Savage to pro life, puts him into the tuff blocks.
Finish: Tomac took it but Roczen was on him like white on hockey. Wait, what?
