Tag Archives: chad reed

Atlanta For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on February 27, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Pre-race: The last time Stewart led a race was the last time he won. Mull that over.

Holeshot: James. 3rd in, 1st out. All that matters.

Lap 1: Stew 1, Villopoto 2. No one else is even in this race, right?

Lap 2: Stewart’s line in the rhythm is a straight pin-and-pray, but *spoiler alert* he and basically everyone but Villopoto hit it every lap.

Lap 2 (cont’d): Villojoseph gets out of shape in the triple-triple section before the whoops. As Ralph put it, he “showed a little bit of a wiggle.” Whatever, BRO.

Lap 4: RC saying Stewart is on his way to his 45th win. On lap 4. Since James actually did end up winning, this was the equivalent of betting a grand on a half court shot and sinking it. While blindfolded. And drunk. And being shot by a machine gun.

Lap 5: Fro discussing the utility of one footers in SX, but failing to mention “for the kids”. Big miss, chief.

Lap 9: James crossruts the step over after the rhythm almost every lap. But he has factory suspension so he’s all “Eat my ass, lines.” Like a boss.

Lap 10: Ralph mistaking Alessi for Millsaps. BRO, you speak for a living. Stop sucking at it.

Lap 11: Tomac cruising through the pack. Took him forever to get past Alessi (color me shocked) but he’s around Weimer no problem.

Lap 12: Reed jumping through the whoops. Only cool guys jump through the whoops.

Lap 14: Reed into 9th. He’s not even riding poorly. Getting a bad start in this class is like being the designated driver at a blacklight party – it just ruins the whole experience.

Lap 16: Are we really looking at a battle for 13th when Stew and Poto are 1-2 on lap 16?

Lap 17: Despite this hilariously timed boner photo, Millsaps is actually right there. Only 2 seconds off of Villopoto.

Lap 18: Villopoto closing on Stewart. They’re talking fitness but seriously BRO, we’re on lap 18 and James hasn’t crashed or fucked up at all yet. He’s nursing this one home.

Lap 19: Stew’s mechanic held up the pitboard with “2 laps to go” at the end of this lap, so that white flag might as well have been 50 Christmases in one.

Lap 20: James doubling through the rhythm. RV is closing but one more lap? James is prepared to road block the shit out of this one.

Finish: Stewart. I called it. Just didn’t tell anyone.

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Dallas For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on February 20, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Pre-race: Stew out because his clutch grenaded. Factory as shit.

Holeshot: Millsaps actually gets it, even though he entered the first turn in about mid pack. Snuck it up the inside like a Navy SEAL.

Lap 1: Villopoto straight into the lead, bad news BROs.

Lap 2: Reed is in 2nd but Davi literally skimmed the rhythm before the last triple, so he’s over giving any fucks.

Lap 4: Millsaps back around Reed, hitting the low lines like a boss.

Lap 6: The Dunge all over Reed now, Villopoto is cruising.

Lap 7: Shorty doing it for team Stock Graphics, running in 9th.

Lap 8: Not even trying to be a dick, but I don’t think Fro knows what “ironic” means. Peick and Blose both wearing black like “bad boys” is not ironic. It’s just something that happened.

Lap 11: Barcia and Brayton battling for 5th. Brayton doesn’t really whip, Barcia does all the time. It’s an interesting juxtaposition when they are next to each other.

Lap 11 (cont’d): Barcia just missed the tire tap before the triple and almost pulled a move out of the Larry Loopout playbook.

Lap 13: We’re on Villopoto for a solid 2 laps now, because there’s no racing happening…

Lap 15: The Dunge stuffs Reed for 3rd. NFG moves.

Lap 17: RC schooling Ralph on the pronunciation of “Sycuan”. Sorry BRO but after hearing you butcher the name “Decotis”, that would be grounds for a mouthful of Coors Light to the face.

Lap 19: The Dunge isn’t dun yet. Catching Millsaps for 2nd.

Finish: Villopoto had this one the second he got into the lead. Unchallenged all race.

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San Diego For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on February 13, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Pre-race: Suzuki hasn’t won here apparently but you will have an intimate familiarity with that factoid after it is mentioned a thousand times tonight.

Holeshot: Millsaps is first to the whiteness. Ralph is calling him Magic Man now. That’s a Ralph nickname all day long.

Lap 1: Reed up to 2nd past Tickle. He is all about a whale’s vagina.

Lap 2: Pretty sure Ralph just said RV is showing an 8th. First he dealt with rule 4.20, and now this. They are all about the green at Kawi. [That whole joke was a reach. Ralph said "in", but I took some artistic liberties.]

Lap 4: Stew and The Dunge around Tickle for 5th and 6th.

Lap 7: Reed all over Millsaps but Davi wheelies into the whoops and hits them like that Dorner dude in the log cabin – straight fire.

Lap 8: Villopoto all over Stewart and Dungey. This is the highest paid battle for 5th ever.

Lap 9: Reed all over Millsaps and now Barcia is joining the crew. They are miles ahead of everyone else.

Lap 10: Reed down in the corner after triple #2. Dorner sniped him because he’s wearing red, white, and blue.

Lap 11: All Millsaps and Barcia right now. Real question: who is Colleen rooting for? Either way, it’s about 10 more joeys signing up for year-round memberships so she’s all good, I guess.

Lap 14: Barcia is all over Millsaps as they hit enough lappers to suffocate a leader’s vocal chords.

Lap 16: Barcia back on the rev limiter program, trying to find a way around Davi but it is not happening.

Lap 18: Dungey is 3rd now with Villopoto right behind him but they are still way behind the lead duo.

Lap 19: With the amount of lappers he’s encountering, Millsaps definitely enters the whoops every lap praying for Haley’s Comet to take a detour and knock them into harmless territory.

Lap 19 (cont’d): Taking Ralph and Jeff a while to realize that Villopoto went down…

Finish: Millsaps just won’t stop extending his lead. This isn’t supposed to happen, something must be broken.

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A3 For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on February 6, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Pre-race: The Dunge all the way outside. Because his shock got too baked in the heat and completely collapsed. True story.

Holeshot: Brayton sticks it in there but Alessi ripped him out and stuck himself in there. Wait, that got weird.

Lap 1: Reedy jumps it straight into Brayton and invites Villopoto to the party, too.

Lap 2: Alessi is leading Dungey, Millsaps, Canard, Stewart, Barcia. Mikey, you are out of your element.

Lap 2 (cont’d): This happened in the rhythm section. Millsaps definitely shit a brick on this one. Alessi goes down, Davi’s all good.

Lap 4: Dungey leading Millsaps but James Bubba forgot what a shitty year he’s having and is on it in 3rd.

Lap 7: Stewie ruins Davi in the whoops, into 2nd. The Dunge is running away now.

Lap 10: Villopoto in 14th. Just showed the replay of his crash with Alessi, what they didn’t show was him straight Hulking Alessi’s bike off of his.

Lap 11: Whatever wind was in James’ sails is long gone. Millsaps and Barcia are all over him.

Lap 12: Barcia’s rear fender is flapping around all over the place. Looks like Honey Boo Boo’s mom trying to do pilates in a tee shirt. Just gross.

Lap 14: Stew misses the triple into the rhythm section, hands 2nd to Davi. No mistakes in the top 3 BRO, you should know that.

Lap 17: Canard and Tickle going at it for 7th. Villopoto 9th. Not exciting but I ran out of shit to say.

Lap 18: Stewart blows it in the rhythm section again and this time Barcia takes advantage. Told you there’s no mistakes in the top 3, BRO.

Lap 20: The Dunge taking it slow. Don’t need that shock caving in right now.

Finish: Dungey all day. 2nd in the LCQ to Dr. Boner Air, Jimmy Albertson, to winning the main. That actually happened.

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Rating TWMX’s Kickstart 4

Posted on December 5, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Kickstart 4

Part of being a boss in the moto industry means getting shit for my new favorite price: $free.99. Such was the case when the hook up for Transworld’s latest installment of their Kickstart video series hit my screen, and of course it’s up to BRO to cut through the bullshit and let the people know what’s what. Let’s get down to it:

    • Riders: Let’s get the obvious out of the way – Ronnie Mac highlighted the rider line-up for me. Watch his part and you’ll understand; it’s his world and we’re all just living in it. Basically 4 parts are filmed at Canard’s house, but they are all solid enough riders: Canard, Albertson, Bogle, and even a little Brett Cue in there. The Seely/Hahn/Coury part was on-point and provided more whips than the Pope at an alter boy convention (Keep a tissue box close, Lance Coury has a turn-down whip that requires clean up afterward). Reed gets the ender (always a key part of any video), but since he is heavily featured in Moto 4 and just had a Vurb Platinum come out, it all seems like the same shit. I love Chad but I can only watch him corner his track in FL so much. We also get a trim yet satisfying dose of freestyle riders. You know, for the BROs. Here’s the full list of rider parts:
        • Marvin Musquin
        • Jimmy Albertson
        • Twitch/Maddo
        • Justin Bogle
        • Wil Hahn/Cole Seely/Lance Coury
        • Eli Tomac
        • Trey Canard
        • Ronnie Mac
        • Chad Reed
  • Locations: If you’ve seen 2-5 videos in the past 4 years, you’ve probably seen every spot featured in this flick. Cahuilla, Zaca, MDP Block, Canard’s, Reed’s, Tomac’s. Apparently there are only 5 tracks in the entire country. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from skate and snow videos, it’s that a spot can only survive so long on film before it’s basically Nyquil without the warning label.
  • Music: Not really much to complain about in the music department, save for the fact that a couple of the tunes are repeats from past videos. A solid dose of punk rock though, which I am getting back on board with for moto videos lately. Dubstep doesn’t make the viewers want to ride; it makes them want to take bath salts and fuck up a 7-11.
  • Misc: One word: H Fucking D. The moto video industry has new legs now that videos practically need to come with tear-offs. I feel like someone should go on a Jay and Silent Bob mission and find the people who bought the standard definition version to save $3. Like, really BRO? You couldn’t have skipped the scratch tickets for one day? Don’t be an asshole, buy HD.

Final Rating: 1.5/2. All in all, the riding is far and away the most important aspect of any moto film, and the boys are on point in this flick. (And since it has been forever since I have explained the rating system, here’s a refresher: It is the same one I use for women – 2 point scale, 0-2. 2 is a chick you’d fuck, no questions asked. 1 is a girl who is probably a no, but throw on the beer goggles and that “no” becomes a “good to go” real quick. And obviously, a 0 is what experts refer to as a “bucket of yuck”. A-cups and such, you know. They’re always a no until you blackout, but then it doesn’t count anyway so have at it, hoss.)

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Monster Energy Cup For Assholes

Posted on October 23, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Main Event 1

Pre-race: Only half the gates fall on the first drop. Guy responsible for the starting gates just had to take an enema from a Monster can. Only joes use the clutch anyway, so it’s a moot point.

Holeshot: Grant takes the holey, which actually occurs in the third turn, because this race is so edgy and non-conformist and cool. Dungey and Villopoto are 2-3.

Lap 2: Barcia’s on the Tokyo Drift program off the side of the track in 4th while Dungey is only just beginning to figure out what KTM problems really are.

Lap 3: Villopoto into the lead and pulling away, because ACLs are overrated.

Lap 4: Dungey around Grant then the KTM 450 decides it’s done shifting – because it’s on its period. Grant and Barcia get around.

Lap 5: Dungey decides to take matters into his own hands and suicide shifts the bike in the air while getting face deep in his handle bars, all the while over clearing the shit out of the triple like a boss.

Lap 7: Finally seeing Reed in the mix. RC’s nickname for him is double deuce. Because we’re in Vegas, the only place where deuce means something other than “shit”.

Lap 8: Villopoto is launching the double after the triple about 50 feet past the landing, because only pussies give a fuck about where the landing of a double is, no matter what.

Lap 9: It turns out Alessi is using audio communication in his helmet this race, because Tony knows that the only thing that’s been missing in his son’s career is his voice in his ear at all times.

Lap 10: Villopoto wins, Barcia 2nd, Dungey 3rd. Tomac passed Reed on the last lap because it turns out he’s a total savage and just decided to ride the 450 like he doesn’t give a fuck who’s in front of him.

Main Event 2

Holeshot: Villopoto has it and people just started turning the channel.

Lap 2: Then of course, Villopoto completely headshakes himself into no man’s land and rocks his dome. Call the desert racers and get a steering stabilizer on that bitch, pronto. ‘Poto now looks like he’s on the losing end of a 5th of Vodka.

Lap 3: Alessi gets around Dungey for the lead, but it won’t last long because Tony is literally screaming in his ear “Don’t fuck up. Don’t fuck up. Don’t fuck up.”

Lap 4: Dungey reaching down again to shift his bike. DeCoster feverishly writing on the pit board “Dude, that’s NOT faster”. Turns out he has to do it because, you know, #KTMproblems. Barcia passes Dungey and Reed in the same turn, a good sign that 2013 won’t suck big time.

Lap 6: Barcia into the lead. Tony continues to yell obscenities. Dungey continuing to practice shift grabs for his FMX debut.

Lap 8: Reed down. Ralph actually tries to offer some analysis of how it happened. RC and Jeff shut him down simultaneously, because Ralph is going to hurt himself.

Lap 9: Alessi got around Barcia when JB used the Joker Lane, and now Barcia gets him back and Alessi has him tee’d up but doesn’t pull the trigger. Fro commenting on Alessi’s weird hand signals.

Lap 10: Barcia wraps it up with a boss one footer (don’t say #legswag, it’s way too hipster)

Main Event 3

Holeshot: Alessi grabs it and sends about 3 tuff blocks onto the track to take some BROs out for good measure.

Lap 2: Karma’s a bitch and Alessi completely joe’s a tuff block after the Lance Armstrong whoops (That’s a whoop section on steroids). Dungey into the lead.

Lap 4: Barcia and Tomac are hounding Dungey, who’s all “What the fuck’s going on here?”

Lap 5: Tomac took the Joker Lane last lap, which means he’s vibing his swagger so hard that he thinks he can get back up to those guys and pass them when they use it. Like a boss.

Lap 7: Barcia into the lead, Tomac into 2nd as Dungey hit the Joker Lane.

Lap 9: Barcia into the Joker Lane, Tomac into the lead. ET looking smart as fuck.

Lap 10: Tomac wins it, Barcia wins the overall with 2-1-2 and $100K. By the looks of the screen grab up top, the moto hoes of this era work a lot faster, because we’re definitely getting a look at the vinegar strokes right there.

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Raw Footy: Chad Reed And Tim Ferry Duking It Out At Dade City

Posted on September 17, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Ok, I lied; it was all Reed after about turn 2. Since Reed hasn’t been on a bike since his knee took a sabbatical, this video is pretty watchable. Luckily, Dade City is the size of a Fuddrucker’s parking lot so we basically get a front row seat to the epic 3 man action. Ferry held it down for a couple of laps then started to give too many fucks, that was where he went wrong and lost touch with Reed, who was putting it down on those dual mufflers. Gotta feel for the third guy in the group – he had to be completely bullshit after he got his schedule and it showed 3 riders in his class, because he was definitely well aware that Reed and Ferry were in it already. Just like “Hey BRO, here’s a last place trophy for you, and you definitely won’t be winning any money today.”

Also, Deano’s dad making an appearance. Being all Scottish and shit.

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Are Quad Riders Serious With This Anti-Moto Video?

Posted on August 30, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink



Update: So the quad BROs took the video down. Major bitch move but I’d expect nothing less. Dudes can’t even form an opinion, because they give way too many fucks about what other people think. You have to stick to your guns, like that Indian guy with the “Hitler” store. Say what you want about that Nazi Indian bastard, but he is making you quad BROs look like you will never get the sand out of your mangina.

Well, there you have it. This is quad riders for you. Just leave them to do their thing, and goddamnit they’ll do it. I saw the title of this video and fully expected them to be bashing BRO and I would have understood that. But instead they decide to go for the entire sport of moto. Seriously BROs, why would you do that to yourselves? Let’s show clips of a bunch of riders falling then show some dude trying to whip a quad and that will be a good look for us. Yeah, exactly what I would have expected. Keep doing you, quad riders.

Here’s the best part: I know that most of the quad community is watching this video and thinking “What the fuck,” because they know how terrible this makes them look. Not even talking about the whip clip either. It’s funny because I was thinking this morning that even quad riders know that moto is rad, they just happen to think their sport is rad, too, which it isn’t. Like, I know that most of them hate BRO, but they like moto. But now they have to deal with these vigilante quad fairies that are coming out and attacking all of MX and now everyone is going to hate them. Seriously, I guarantee this video does more for the #nukethequads movement than anything I have ever done. Fire up the presses, I have shirts to sell!

nuke the quads

Nuke the fuckin' quads

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BRO Top 5: Drinking Games Of The Outdoors That Will Get You Hammered

Posted on May 17, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Holeshot BeerBefore SX, we gave you the top 5 Drinking Games. Now it’s time to go outdoors, and get drunk all over again.

1. Drink when Dungey or Stewart win. Drinking Frequency: 24 times per season. Drink of Choice: Champagne. This is a gimme, a fail-safe. It’s a game that ensures that you will be drinking, and that is pretty much all that we want here. Will it definitely be 24? Maybe, only time will tell. 20+ though, take that to the bank.

2. Drink every time you see a replacement rider. Drinking Frequency: 4-5 times per race. Drink of Choice: Kamikazes. After running through the gauntlet of Supercross, a lot of guys cannot say they made it out the other side. And some guys just say “Fuck nationals” and contract Epstein-Barr. Regardless, teams need the sponsorship dollars coming in, so it’s time to sort through the bargain bin and grab a rider who is just going to go for it, no fucks given.

3. Drink when someone asks where Villopoto or Reed is. Drinking Frequency: 5 times per race. Drink of Choice: Whiskey. If you’ve never been to a national, let me break something down for you: The average fan is a complete fucking moron. That’s all there is to it. Like, how in this day of technology, when you can literally find out with the click of a button what a rider’s shit looks like on a daily basis (soft-serve ice cream today, thank you) can someone be so ignorant. Drink whiskey, it’s an angry beverage. Then punch that asshole in the face.

4. Just drink at Red Bud. Drinking Frequency: A lot. Drink of Choice: Bud Light. There are two reasons to not drink at Red Bud – 1) Your throat is bleeding because you yelled “Red Buuuud” too often, or 2) You are in a state of exhaustion from drinking so much. Actually in either case, drinking more will probably remedy the situation.

5. Drink when Random Hero complains about the track. Drinking Frequency: 10 times per race. Drink of Choice: W[h]ine. All too often at Nationals, random hero shows his ugly face and expects to win. The ugly truth, unfortunately, is that he sucks. He rode a highway track at home and put down some laps, and thinks he’s got it; time to go get famous. But when he gets off practice and is sitting pretty with a solid 60th, he knows where to point fingers.

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Supercross For Assholes: 2012 450 Review Pt.1

Posted on May 16, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Anaheim 1 startPre-season: The highly touted arrival of James Stewart on JGR has everyone on pins and needles. No way he could possibly do worse on this bike…

Anaheim 1: The fans were treated to quite the surprise as Villopoto fucking destroyed everyone. He really overcame the exhaustion of winning everything in 2011 well. Reed had a tip over but proceeded to not give a fuck and took 2nd in front of The Dunge. And James hit the deck.

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 25
  2. Chad Reed – 22
  3. Ryan Dungey – 20
  4. Justin Brayton – 18
  5. Jake Weimer – 16

Phoenix: Villopoto goes down on lap 1. The Dunge leads the race from flag to flag, and all those assholes who have ridden KTMs since 1999 think that’s proof that they were right all along. Your 520exc is still a piece of shit. Oh, and James hit the deck.

  1. The Dunge – 45
  2. Ryan Villopoto – 45
  3. Jake Weimer – 38
  4. Chad Reed – 38
  5. Kevin Windham – 31

Los Angeles: Ryan Morais folds Canard into some Marilyn Manson pose. Villojoey got a bad start and Reed was all over it for the win. The Dunge came through the pack for a gentleman’s 2nd, and James hit the deck, but still finished 3rd in front of Villopoto.

  1. Ryan Dungey – 67
  2. Chad Reed – 63
  3. Ryan Villopoto – 63
  4. James Stewart – 48
  5. Jake Weimer – 48

Oakland: Someone threw some firecrackers into the stadium. No, wait, it’s ok. Those are just gun shots. This race was a fucking epic battle between Stewie, Reed, and Villopoto. Dungey was just KTMing around in 4th. Stew managed to not hit the deck and take the win. People shot their guns in the air in celebration, and for any other reason they could think of. It’s Oakland.

  1. Chad Reed – 85
  2. Ryan Dungey – 85
  3. Ryan Villopoto – 83
  4. James Stewart – 73
  5. Jake Weimer – 61

Anaheim 2: Villopoto got out front and just did his thing. Reed was running #2 for a while until James took out his pride-killer rhythm and put Reed behind him. Villo won in front of Stewie, Reed, and Dungey back in 4th, starting to get too comfortable back there.

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 108
  2. Chad Reed – 105
  3. Ryan Dungey – 103
  4. James Stewart – 95
  5. Kevin Windham – 73

San Diego: Villopoto took the win in SD, while everyone else was busy S’in D’s (got ‘em). James hit the deck in the whoops and couldn’t get out from under his bike in a moment of epically simultaneous symbolism and foreshadow. Dungey was getting destroyed by the whoops, but only figuratively pinned under his bike, took a 3rd. Reed took a rather mute 2nd.

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 133
  2. Chad Reed – 127
  3. Ryan Dungey – 123
  4. James Stewart – 101
  5. Kevin Windham – 78

Dallas: Stewart stalled it early in the race and took out himself and Millsaps while Coy was busy seeing if you can rig the cord on the headphones into a makeshift noose. Reed was looking like a boss, all over Villopoto until he seat-bounced his face into the ground and got ruined. First one to bite the dust for the season.

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 158
  2. Ryan Dungey – 145
  3. Chad Reed – 128
  4. James Stewart – 116
  5. Jake Weimer – 92

Atlanta: Random hero (but not really) Cole Seely led 7 laps of this race like a fucking boss, even diced it up with Dungey for a couple of laps. The Dunge finally made his appearance on the course again, and passed Seely to take the win. Stewart also remembered that he’s actually pretty good and took the boss pass of the race, passing Seely around the outside of turn 1 for 3rd. Villopoto was #2.

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 180
  2. Ryan Dungey – 170
  3. James Stewart – 136
  4. Chad Reed – 128
  5. Jake Weimer – 106

St. Louis: Stewart hits the deck, on lap 1. Those assholes chilling back in December have no idea how wrong they really are. Villopoto pretty much crushed this one, even slowing down at the end to give The Dunge a little hope, of which there was none. KTM said Dungey actually had a broken collarbone before this race, or a severe case of what in Austria they call, “bullshit”.

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 205
  2. Ryan Dungey – 192
  3. James Stewart – 152
  4. Chad Reed – 128
  5. Kevin Windham – 123
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