Tag Archives: bro top 5

BRO Top 5: Sure Signs That You’re A Track Slut

Posted on May 10, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Chill slut1. You add points to a rider’s size based on class – It’s pretty simple really: C-class +0, B-class +1, A-class +2, and Pro is an automatic yes. Seriously, a factory rider could be packing a pencil eraser down there and you would be ready and waiting with your lips pursed like you are sucking down a Frosty at Wendy’s.

2. You’ve been in every rig at the track – If you are a chick and you are not dating a rider, yet you have an intimate knowledge of the layout of every semi at the track, especially where the most comfortable kneeling spot is, you’re a slut, BRO.

3. Your phone Contacts looks like a National entry list – The local National is approaching and your phone is blowing the fuck up. And reading off the names, all you have to do is add “On the ______ backed [brand] 250″ before it and you could legitimately do Tim Cotter’s job for him.

4. Riders actually want to hang out with you – This is essentially an extension of #3, but it holds enough significance to warrant its own spot on the list. Riders don’t like you for your opinions or your story of almost riding one time. They put up with that to get to the end goal. These guys are athletes, they have that kind of endurance and mental wherewithal to stay the course. So just pump the brakes and shut the fuck up, there’s work to be done.

5. You’re a girl and you’re at the track – Sorry that I’m not sorry, ladies. Sure, there are exceptions to every rule, but they only serve to prove the rule. Dyke or slut, take your pick.

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BRO Top 5: Indicators That Your Kid Isn’t Going Pro

Posted on May 3, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink


1. You have more bikes than trophies - Nothing brightens up the race trailer like a 6ft piece of plastic with a spray-painted idol of your grandfather ripping the CZ on the top. But as they say, you’ve gotta spend money to make money. It’s bike city, bitch. The way your 15% off shop sponsor sees it, you need a race bike, a practice bike, a testing bike, and a display bike. You know, for the ambiance.

2. MTF waits for the check to clear - Colleen is a magician, that’s what the people are saying. Your kid gets down there and she sees some serious potential in him. Like this kid is going places…as soon as that $15k gets into the bank account. Make sure to write in the memo line “To basically be deposited in a garbage can”.

3. You have the biggest rig at every race you go to - The best way to get factory is to act factory, no? Stands perfectly to logic, envisioning and living your goal and all that deep bullshit. So your rig spans 100ft and legitimately blocks out the sun for half the dudes at the District Who-Gives-A-Fuck races you go to. Unfortunately if you never make it to a race with the factory big rigs, it’s generally a tell-tale sign that the energy drink checks won’t be taking care of the mortgage payments that you can’t afford anymore.

4. He’s riding Supermini at 6’2″ - Everyone knows that winning a LL championship is the fast track to moto success. Stands to reason, since everyone who’s ever won a Loretta’s championship ever has enjoyed a phenomenal career in MX. But junior can’t ride a 250f for shit and he was killing it on the Supermini last year, so just leave him in the kid class. Who cares if he has a driver’s license now, just means he’s more mature than the competition. Cash money.

5. His kid is going faster than him - Children suck, literally. They are just the vacuum that sucks away all the enjoyment and potential you had in your life. That’s why you threw all of your shit into your kid’s moto career, because if he wins, you win. Well, the second his baby mama refused to “take care of it”, he was fucked. Time to do it all over again with the grand kid. Better get him some arm pump surgery, those PWs can really get you.

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BRO Top 5: Reasons To Clean A Motherfucker Out On The Track

Posted on April 19, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

JLaw Villopoto
Let’s be real for a moment – you do not need a reason to clean someone out on the track. You do it because you are bad ass, next topic please. But for those of you with actual consciences that need to rationalize your BRO behavior, we present this top 5:

1. He almost made contact with you – Fuck that, did you see how close that asshole came to scratching your plastic? This is kid is going to go about his lap pretending that he didn’t just damn near scuff your fresh Acerbis, so it is time to get medieval on a mofo.

2. Blocking the guy behind you – Ever seen a chase seen in every cop movie ever made? What is the number one way to elude a pursuer on foot? Run through an old warehouse or something and throw shit in his way. A soiled mattress is to the guy chasing you as a whoop section is to Mike Alessi – literally the last thing he wants to deal with. So it only holds to logic that a similar tactic would work on the race track. Eventually the dude is going to get wrapped up in one of those bodies, just keep at it.

3. You’re in a shitty mood – Nothing brightens up a shit race than taking some slow kid high on a berm and knowing full well that he hit the ground because of you. In your Predator-esque tunnel vision driven by a rage inferno, this idiot just strayed into the wrong place at the wrong time. It was his fault; don’t stand on the tracks when the train is coming through.

4. It’s easier than racing – Maybe you aren’t in the best shape, maybe you are just way out of your element. Regardless, this dude is going to smoke you if you don’t do something about it. The situation is easily remedied by an application of throttle combined with a negative application of handlebar turning, right into that dude’s grillmix. He’s on the ground, and you are arm pumping your way to a 13th. Like a boss.

5. Keeping it real – Nothing is more important than keeping it real. Nothing. If that dude is getting a hot head and riding the course like his shit don’t stink, you have but one option: keep it real.

keeping it real

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BRO Top 5: Power Moves When Prepping Your Race Bike (For The C Class)

Posted on April 12, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink


All too often it is overlooked that the nervous novice class is the most electrifying source of entertainment at your typical local race. Men and boys who have no business even approaching any sort of machinery giving it the gusto for a piece of scrap metal and a Subway giftcard, braving the elements and the forces of gravity in the everlasting pursuit to catch air and to be a badass motherfucker. Here are some ways to ensure that when you show up at the track, the fences will be lined with fans waiting to watch you get rich or die trying:

1. Duct tape numbers – The old saying goes something like “Duct tape does wonders” and those wonders sure as shit don’t stop at repairing x-box controllers or making dumb, kitschy wallets. If you have pre-prints, rip them off right fucking now. Those are for pussies. Numbers are for pussies (other than 69 and 420). The plates are for Rockstar stickers and maybe a couple of dick drawings for the BROs.

2. Bend your levers – I am not talking about a slight bend right now, I am looking for more curve than Kim Kardashian. Your lever should basically look like the claw of a velociraptor, a tremendously appropriate indicator of how you are about to devour the competition, the track, and the case of PBRs back at the trailer. Also acceptable: No levers. Brakes are totally queer.

3. Run off-color grips – Are your grips black, gray, or anything close? Nope, that will never work. Your grips say a lot about your intentions on the motorcycle; if you are going to be throwing fist pumps because of how awesome you are, you want bright, obscurely colored grips to reflect that. Basically, if they make your color of grips in any pattern other than full waffle, they are not flashy enough for you.

4. Mismatch plastics – It is pretty commonplace at the track to run multiple colors of plastic on a bike, but you need to take it a step further. No flow at all is your mission. Black front fender is pretty mandatory, but you have free reign on the rest of the motorcycle. Running plastics made for an entirely different OEM is also a phenomenal choice on the part of any BRO going for serious glory. And camo tires. If camo tires are wrong, I don’t want to be right.

5. Pour sand in your throttle tube – Simply so it sticks wide fucking open.

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BRO Top 5: Ways To Convince Girls You’re A Pro Racer

Posted on April 5, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Preface: These are all applicable for girls away from the MX track. Moto hoes are a different breed of slut.

1. Pick up kit - It’s called a pick up kit for a reason. I do not need to tell you how hot a jersey is; why do you think they need to be vented? That is not for body heat, it is so women don’t have a sex overload when they look directly at it. Think about how gay all those dudes in the Fox T-shirts will look when you roll into a 909 party with a Fox jersey. Game over, man.

2. Name drop - Remember, these girls do not know anything about anything. The fact that they made it through the door in one solid motion is a church-ordained miracle. Make sure to stay broad with your name drops, though – the potency of a name drop is inversely related to a girl’s knowledge of the sport, factoring out the rider’s overall fame, of course. What this means is the less a girl knows about moto, the better you are using either Reed, Stewart, or Carmichael as your go-to.

3. Call anything that isn’t riding “training” - This is such a great technique that it should probably be number one, but I thought of it third so here we are. It is so effective in its subtlety. Regardless of what you are doing – hitting the gym (yeah, right), getting food, mainlining heroin – you are training. Tweet that shit. That way, literally all you do is ride and train. Pro as fuck.

4. Always have a bike in the truck - If you don’t have a truck, then what the fuck man? A van will do, but truck is going to get you the most ground here, because it shows everyone in the vicinity that you are so moto that you take your bike out to the bar at 11:00 at night. Probably because you are going to hit the track at 3 in the morning, seems only logical since that’s when the real players play, player.

5. Take her riding (but make sure no one else is there) - I look at this like the old question “If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Basically, we are now taking it as “If a joey goes to the track but no one else is there, is he still a joey?” The answer is of course yes, but he is the fastest guy there. For all this bitch knows, he is the fastest rider on the planet. You’re welcome, BRO. Get it in.

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BRO Top 5: Ways Getting Arrested Helps A Rider’s Career

Posted on March 29, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

James Stewart arrestedIt has been one year since James Stewart’s infamous encounter with the proverbial soap that should not be dropped. A lot of people crucified James for his misdoings, but I thought it was awesome. And what I think matters more than what you think, all day. So here are the top 5 reasons that getting fucked by the long dick of the law might not hurt that bad:

1. Americans love a comeback - No one can argue that the marketability of a comeback is not astronomical. It represents this aspect of the American dream that opportunity always exists, that anyone can make it (even though Joey Doughnuts on the gate for Open C is not making it no matter how many dollars he spends at MTF). In moto, you pretty much have three options to get you moving on the first part of your comeback: Start riding like shit, break a lot of bones, or get arrested. I would say the third is the quickest and easiest, wouldn’t you? That’s just using your head.

2. No press is bad press - People say this shit all the time, but it is so true. James Stewart never had a prayer of getting on TMZ or any of those celeb gossip sites because he was winning races or because he had a shot of Jaeger once. But get arrested and now the tabloids come calling. It is like Oscar Wilde said (and the outlook I have always had for this site), “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” All I know is that if you go into a gas station in Alabama with bikes in the back of your truck, Seabass in the “Wine ‘em, Dine ‘em, Sixty-Nine ‘em” hat isn’t talking to you about Villopoto or Dungey.

3. Book deal - BRO, you have got to start thinking beyond motocross. What are you going to do if you want to keep living like a boss? Most BROs don’t read books that don’t have a lot of pictures, and basically no BROs read books that don’t have a lot of pictures that happen to be naked women, so this is really more like the next step to the movie deal rather than the first step to the book deal. Any one going to see the Villopoto movie? No way, but are you going to see the James Stewie movie? Again, probably no way but you get my point.

4. Celebs can relate - How many female celebrities get arrested everyday? Has to be like 80% of them. Now you have the common ground with them, and that could lead to a budding romance. Not only do they make a ton of fucking money, but they also can make you way more famous. Look at my dude Kyle Regal; gets all friendly with Teen Mom and all of a sudden he is blowing the fuck up on the Hollywood sites. America, fuck yeah.

5. Hard as fuck - James didn’t go to jail, so he might not really benefit from this. And I really don’t even know if J-Law would either. But theoretically, dudes would just be afraid of you after you came out of the joint. Probably would benefit from some crude face tattoos also, but the effect still exists regardless. Riders are not fucking with the guy who may or may not have shanked his way to the cool kids table in the cafeteria at County.

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BRO Top 5: Shit People Who Don’t Race Ask Racers

Posted on March 22, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Wonka motocross meme
1. Are you a pro? – Even though these people have never met a pro athlete in their pathetic, farmer’s market-filled life, they still honestly are unimpressed when you tell them that you are not a pro. Basically, the logic is that so few people race, and it must be the easiest thing in the world to ride a motorcycle, so if you are not a pro, you must be the sorriest case of humanity that God ever crapped out. Step your game up, BRO.

2. What tricks can you do? – This is another one that the action sports world can thank the ESPN for. Oh, you motocross? Can you backflip? What’s your best superman seat grab combo? Even when you tell them “Sorry boss, I race, no one cares about freestyle,” they scratch their head and think “But….freestyle is in the X Games…” Damn, BRO, you’re right. What have I been doing with my life?

3. Do you ever fall? – Here’s the thing about people who are stuck in conventional society – they are pussies. The life they chose is rampant with 401Ks, 9-5 workdays, and enough water cooler conversation to tranquilize a charging bull elephant. It is boring as fuck, but they like that, because they are afraid of the world. It happens to moto riders too when they get older sometimes. They think “Oh, it’s just not worth it anymore, BRO. I have to think about my responsibilities now.” Horseshit. A BRO’s only responsibility is to be gnarlier than the guy next to him and let the world know it.

4. How fast does your bike go? – I don’t fucking know chief.

5. What’s the highest you’ve ever jumped? – This one has always blown my mind. It’s almost like the metric vs. the English system of measurement; for some reason, the entire world gauges jumps by height rather than distance, other than people in the core sports. Did we just miss the meeting where everyone decided to use that metric? The best way to handle that scenario is just use the distance number anyway. It makes you sound like a sick motherfucker.

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BRO Top 5: Reasons To Get Drunk Before A Moto

Posted on March 15, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Drunk MotoJust to piss people off…

1. You don’t give a fuck – Last moto of the day, and it’s the class you don’t care about – maybe an Open A or Collegeboy or something like that. The class that you entered just to pass time in the day. You don’t give a fuck about it, and you certainly don’t give a fuck about anything else. Time to crack a few coolies and hit the course. Because you’re a savage.

2. You ran out of water – Gotta drink something, right?

3. The beer might get skunked – Have you ever had a beer after it sits in the hot sun for hours? Me too, several times. It is not good. Ice melts pretty goddamn fast out at the track, and if you don’t have a camper with a fridge, which I suspect you don’t since you are getting drunk before your motos, you are left with the choice of enjoying a Bud that is burning lava hot later on, or crushing a few frosty cans of awesome right now. Your moto is in staging, so better shotgun those bad Larrys.

4. It’s a mud moto – Dude, it’s a mud moto, you are only going like 5 mph around the whole track anyway. The worst that could [probably] happen is that you tip over and get a little dirty. If anything, this is the time to try riding drunk just to see how you can operate. Some may argue that you owe it to science to rip some shots before you rip that holeshot.

5. Pre-gaming the pre-game – Pre-game starts at 7. It is now 4. You have 3 hours to prove that you can cool guy the whole crew by being drunk before they are. Your moto is at 4:30. Sorry boss, but some things are just more important. Because you’re a savage. Twice.

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BRO Top 5: Reasons Riding With Your Chick Sucks

Posted on February 16, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

boyz memeIt’s a two meme day. That’s a good thing. It may be a couple days late, but it is Valentine’s week, so this goes out to all the lovers out there…

1. Attraction, Gone – Any real BRO knows that even the dime of all dime pieces can throw on a set of gear and instantly transform into a BRO with long hair and a short build. Like, there are definitely a lot of weird dudes that see a girl in kevlar pants and a long sleeve jersey and get turned on, but I imagine those BROs are the same people who jerk off to Asian fart porn and shit like that. That’s just the way it is. Throw in all the purple and glitter you want, girls, but until Victoria’s Secret comes out with a line of moto gear for girls who desire sex appeal in lieu of protection, your boob-compensating chest protector is about as sexy as it gets. Then you are off to bed and its all you can picture. So you are not getting laid tonight.

2. She might eat shit – When one of your BROs bites it, you can pretty easily feign compassion because BROs do not expect much; pretty much just load his bike and throw him the horns as the ambulance pulls away and you have done your duty. But this is your girl, the person you pretend to care about more than anyone. There is going to be crying, that’s just a fact. And you are not getting laid tonight. Another fact.

3. Have to tell her how good she is – If your woman is good, then fine. No need to lie then. Women can smell that from a mile away. Unfortunately, unless your girl races pro, she probably is not good. That means that when she gets off the track, you have to somehow muster up some enthusiasm when she starts talking about how she half cleared the table top outback and may have even thrown a 5 degree bar tweak in there. But unless you are the next Clooney, she is going to smell your bullshit immediately. And you are not getting laid tonight.

4. Why even bother doing whips or going fast? -  I have said it a million times, but I feel it bears repeating now: virtually every accomplishment in a man’s life can be attributed to the pursuit of getting pussy. Girls want the alpha male, so men want to be the alpha male. Moto sluts dig nice whips and dragged handlebars, so we will give it to them. But you brought your chick, BRO. Best case scenario, you lay down a hot whip, one of those girls on the fence looks your way, and you have a solid 2-3 hours of arguing with your woman that you were just feeling it on that jump, that’s all. And you are not getting laid tonight.

5. She might be faster than you – Honestly, I have no idea how any man could deal with this. I mean, I am not even here to say that girls generally suck at riding, but if your woman is better than you, I just do not understand how you can live with yourself and that relationship. Could there be a more emasculating quality in a woman? You would have to start timing your motos around hers so you are never on the track at the same time, a real nuisance in and of itself. Then it starts to transfer over into other parts of your life; before you know it, you are bent over the bed while she lubes up the strap-on. You are getting laid tonight.  Ouch.

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BRO Top 5 – Ways To Piss Off Factory Mechanics

Posted on February 9, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Ways to piss of a mechanicI surveyed a few anonymous mechanic BROs to come up with this top 5. This is written from a fan’s perspective. As a rider, I’m sure there is a whole new list.

1. Ask for plastics - Not sure about the rest of the country, but I know that at Southwick, you were a fucking Joe unless you walked away from the pits fully decked out in factory plastics. And if all you got was a bar pad, just throw yourself into on-coming traffic. Of course, that all meant sprinting to the pits after the last moto and going to every single truck asking “Hey, can I have some plastics?” right after the mechanics have trudged back to the truck and have a legendary case of swamp ass. And if you are above the age of 15 and still pull that shit, you should literally shake a mechanic’s hand when he doesn’t take a T-handle to your face immediately after you ask if you can have Ryan Dungey’s fucking rear fender.

2. Tell them how great their job is - Listen BRO, they have heard it before. Like, the guy standing next to you just said it, that’s how often they hear it. You want to know what else? Everyone thinks a mechanic’s job is way better than it actually is. No one cares that you work a 9-5 and the highlight of your day is when the receptionist calls you a name that at least begins with the same letter as your actual name. It is still work for them and you are fucking it up.

3. Hand them a resume - This should probably be number one, but at the same time, it provides just as much humor as anger for a lot of guys. This is essentially the moto equivalent of handing your mixtape to someone who knows Puffy; there is not a shot in hell that they would jeopardize their reputation for your shitty trip-hop CD. They know instantly that you suck, beyond the shadow of a doubt. Because you brought your mix-tape resume to the fucking race. Actually, making an actual mix-tape resume is a probably great strategy. Outside the box, BRO.

4. Ask what they are doing - What is this, the goddamn learning annex? Do you honestly think that asking the guy how tight he tightens Villopoto’s side panel bolts is productive in any way? And does it not tip you off when a guy is literally trying to keep his own sweat from falling into BRO’s clutch or oil that he probably does not need to talk to some idiot with a bag full of rider posters and four souvenir hats on his head?

5. Offer advice - This one goes hand-in-hand with the previous point. Hold on a second, chief – what do you do for a living again? Oh, you’re an accountant. Ok, now let’s hear it again exactly how many clicks I should go out on the compression. Listen BRO, the mechanic is busy. When he needs tax advice, I’m sure he won’t go to you because you have clearly displayed that your own lack of common sense is so vast that it undoubtedly pours over into your professional life, too. And I’ll bet your wife cheats on you.

P.S. – you can follow all of these with “and not be a hot chick”. That would be more accurate.

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