Tag Archives: bro top 5

5 Sexual Positions Optimized For Moto Training

Posted on February 26, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

motocross-sexual-positionsLet’s be real for a second: Carmichael ruined the sport. He took everything to a level of black and white. – either you’re training, or you’re not. And if you’re not, Carmichael would be. He would be doing it in a sweat room with Chinese monks whipping him in the face and his mom yelling at him for getting a bad report card, just for the motivation. Where riders used to be able to enjoy a cool beer or twelve the night before a race, now they are relegated to the gym day in and day out just to keep up. Of course, BRO is here to shed some insight on how you can keep yourself in peak performance shape, and that includes getting your rocks off. I mean, you’re not going to not have sex with the legions of willing track snacks, unless you have the gay. So here it is, the top 5 sexual positions that will put you up front at the tail end of a 30+2.

Wheelbarrow Style

No brainer here. Everyone knows that moto is legs and core six ways to the weekend. When the cross flags come out and the rollers are chopped to shit, you are going to be glad that you put in the man hours when it comes time to charge that second half. All the joes just kicking back on the bottom are swapping all over the place and losing lap times like it’s nobody’s business, belie’ dat.

The Brian or Standing Doggie

As long as you have got the stamina, this is straight cardio that no trainer could offer you. Sweat may start pouring but a MaxiPad across the goggles will do the trick. Play with the tempo, too. This is all about intervals, and you need to keep the body guessing. The second you get into a routine, you are losing momentum. Remember it is all about charging to the checkered flag, which in this scenario would be homegirl yelling the safe word (“Albuquerque”) or slamming her head off the wall and going all limp fish on you (for a really great cardio workout, keep going after that point while holding her up). Legal disclaimer – don’t do that.

The Night At The Roxbury

I mean, you want a full body workout, look no further. A week of this and you will be waving to Dungey as you steal his job and his chick because this might as well be a banned substance. That’s how gnarly it is. This is a double black diamond, so you had better be in the white background club before you hop on to this pony. It’s important to know your limits; you are not going to go send Larocco’s Leap on your first day, so do not make the mistake of thinking this is any different. Remember, you have to hit that shit WIDE OPEN.

The Catholic Church or Twisted Missionary

Don’t ever make the mistake of thinking that it is not important to stretch. Your muscles need that recovery time post moto and they need to be nurtured. Here we have a prime example of a great core stretching position. It is important to note that while your girl may be stretched out and twisted like a pretzel on acid, you are the main focus here. If your back is too stretched out, just toss her legs further toward her eardrums, because you do not want to slip a disc or something. She might tear a few ligaments but hey, sometimes you need a back-up bike.

Reverse Cowgirl

You just trained your ass off, BRO. You earned this one. Kick back and let it all come to you. No pun intended. One love.

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5 Best Moto-Inspired Time Killers Ever

Posted on November 20, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

If you live in the Northeast or anywhere that doesn’t support a year-round motocross ecosystem, then you know that sometimes it comes down to going the nerd direction to get a fix. Short of mainlining race gas in the bathroom of your studio apartment, video games were the best solution. But you could so easily go wrong, so BRO has taken up the task of ranking the top 5 greatest moto games ever made.

5. Excitebike

You cannot have this list without mentioning Excitebike. It’s like saying that Bob Hannah wasn’t good because he’d get smoked by everyone in the current era. It doesn’t matter, the oldies crushed it back in the day and as much as I love disrespecting old people and things, sometimes keeping it real means acknowledging legacies like this. Excitebike started it all. Kids of today would see it and ask if the TV had a stroke, but it was the spark that ignited the whole explosion of [mostly terrible] MX games.

4. TG Motocross 2

I am sure that no one expected this on the list and that doesn’t surprise me because everyone else is an idiot. Honestly, I’ll bet most of you reading this have never even played it, because I know for a fact that the only time I would was in the middle of a class. I cannot tell you how many hours I spent not listening to teachers because I was busy making boss moves in this game. Seriously, I was amazing at it. Had rhythms that the game designers never saw coming and could float backies so perfectly it was like you were watching Jesus get nice on a crudely drawn motorcycle. Everyone today has a boner for Mad Skills but TG is and always will be the OG of two dimensional colossal time-killers. But not TG Motocross 1 or 3. Those sucked.

3. Motocross Madness 2

You know something? Motocross Madness sucked. It really did. But like Excitebike, it was a stepping stone in moto game history. It was the first with realistic SX tracks, and the first with insane 900ft jumps that you actually hit and then walked around like your dick swung down to your ankles. That shit was nice and you knew it.

2. MX Unleashed

MX Unleashed was the big comeback for moto games after being crushed by quads with the Offroad Fury franchise. I remember when I first hit a whoop section in this and the dude didn’t get ejected into the stratosphere or completely lose the rhythm I almost lost my fucking mind. And you could actually do whips. Amazing. Now, I don’t mean to brag here, but I was one of the best players in the world at this game. Again, not bragging, it’s scientific fact. Like, I said I was amazing at TG Moto, but Unleashed was a different conversation entirely. Literally have never met anyone who could beat me straight up in this game. I am and always will be the greatest of all time.

1. ATV Offroad Fury 2

Wait, did that just happen? Yes. I’ve actually mentioned this before, but as much as I despise quads and the entirety of their existence, I played the ever-loving shit out of Offroad Fury 2. Again, I was absolutely unbelievable at it. I played it for money. Yeah, I was a pro. True story. Had every track so dialed with a style to match. Easily top 3 on the planet, if not better. The series was the first to really test how much of a boss you were when it came down to having an eye for good lines and hot rhythms. It weeded out the joes the way that life always should. And if you used the B6000, you were a huge pussy. Fact.

Honorable Mention: Supercross Circuit

Fully equipped with a Goose button.

Supee Circuit was actually pretty shitty, but it was the only one that actually had a good track editor that didn’t require a degree from MIT to use. I had some tracks that would make Dirt Wurx look like retarded kids in a sandbox.

Worst MX Game Ever: MX vs ATV Alive

I know a lot of you BROs probably play this shit and expected it on the list, but it is just the worst. I literally think staring at a blank screen would be a better experience (provided you are caked out of your face). The hype surrounding this and Reflex really let me down. It was like having your parents lead you to believe they got you something totally awesome for Christmas and then finding out it’s not a new bike or a hooker. The physics were weird as fuck and it might have been the enjoyment equivalent to filling out a form at the DMV in blood collectively taken from the tampon of everyone who works at the DMV. I’m glad that they cancelled the franchise and I hope it burns in hell.

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6 Ways To Ensure That Your Kid Goes Pro

Posted on November 14, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Think you got the next AC? I don't doubt it, but let's make sure the proper steps are taken

If you saw the first episode of the new season of Inside The Outdoors, then you saw how horrendously depressing professional motocross actually can be if you don’t do it properly (which is to be better than everyone else). With the sport in a state of turmoil, it’s good to show the kids how much they definitely do not want to get into it, but more importantly, it’s important that the parents understand just how much money their little employee can make for them. After all, if you are going to have kids, you should expect a return on your investment. Here are a few simple steps to ensure that your kid will be covering the tab on the mojitos with the little umbrellas in Cabo in 10 years.

Get Him Out Of School

Seriously BRO, fuck school

This should really go without saying. I don’t even know why I am writing this in here. If your kid is in kindergarten, he’s already way behind the 8-ball. If you did it properly, your kid has all the street smarts he needs by 5. Wait any longer and you might as well hand the kid a mop and get to work on that custodial apprenticeship, because there’s no light at the end of this fucker’s tunnel.

Scream. Like, A Lot.

What, you think you're better than me?!

Nothing motivates a young child like a red-faced, saliva-spewing shit storm in his grill after he didn’t hit triple triple through the rhythm section. He doubled, like a little bitch. Kid had this coming. I really don’t think anyone is going to object to a little backhand action either, just make sure the cops aren’t looking. Remember, domestic violence only counts when you get caught.

Do Your “Networking”

Yoga pants are a must for the ambitious moto mom

This is more for the moto moms: if you’re hot (and you know whether you are or not, let’s cut the bullshit), you possess a priceless asset in this endeavor. Everyone loves a hot mom who gives underage kids drinks and does body shots with reps. And don’t kid yourself in arguing that won’t get your child ahead when contract season comes up. Prostitution is a profession that has stood the test of time like no other, and there’s a reason. Guys (especially in moto) will go to absurd lengths to get their fuck on, and that absolutely includes putting their career on the line.

Buy More Shit

This is what your arsenal should look like

Let’s do the math here: The pros ride factory bikes. The pros are pros. Therefore, your kid rides a factory bike, he’s a pro. You’d be surprised the quality of ride you can get if you take out a second mortgage on the house and replace your woman’s wedding diamond with a fake while she’s busy working the room at an industry party. Remember, it’s always the machine, just a fact of life.

Schedule Everything

Time is money. And Rocko kicked ass.

Right down to the minute, you should have everything planned. Wake up at 5:30. Push ups till 5:45, then 100 mile roadbike ride till 6:45 (pro pace, try to keep up) and so on. Remember that this is a job; if it was supposed to be fun, there would be alcohol involved.

Use That Internet

We live a world run by technology. It’s all about Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouJizzTube, and all the other bullshit that keeps me away from being productive every single day. Not only should your kid be dialed in with all of the above, you should be constantly sending press releases and videos to all of the major outlets. Seriously, that kid has an unusually timed bowel movement, I need a PR on it. And make sure you edit any and all videos to the song “Remember The Name” by Fort Minor, because seriously, how can you not?

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6 Idiotic Misconceptions Of MX The Mainstream Needs Explained To Them

Posted on October 24, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

It has been too long since I’ve shit on the mainstream of society for being different than me. I mean, what the hell are they even thinking? As an MX racer,  we have all had to deal with these types of people at parties, functions, and basically any social gathering. When you were a kid, you loved telling people you raced moto. You thought it made you cool and made girls want to hold your hand. But most of us quickly realized to keep that bit of info in the dark, since revealing it usually means having to give a lesson on one or all of these points, and I’m usually way too loaded to possess that kind of focus and patience. Let’s take a look:

The difference between moto and FMX

No bitch, not like that.

#1 response you’ll get from some clueless bimbo after she finds out that you ride: “Oh, so like that stuff in X-Games? lol” Jesus Christ, no. Not like that. Nothing against FMX, it’s just not what I do. Then it becomes some horrible conversation about the fact that I can’t do any tricks, and now the bitch thinks I am a complete joe because the last time I tried a heelclicker, I rocked my dome so hard I thought I was in Tibet shooting the shit with the Dalai Lama.

There isn’t really a powerband

Now available in brown!!

Oh, the powerband. What sadistic asshole even came up with that term? I’m almost positive it was Hitler. I’ll never forget the first time someone asked me if my bike had a powerband: I was 9 years old, KX60 years, and a grown man asked me that. Keep in mind that I wasn’t even fully aware of how to properly chew my food at this point in my life, yet I still looked at this guy and said “Are you fucking kidding me, BRO?” Never again, just walk away.

A 450 isn’t twice as big as a 250

Old school 450 rippaaa

This one most commonly comes from the worst type of mainstreamer: That guy who actually has one piece of moto knowledge; that piece generally being that he knows enough to “name drop” the term 250. But it all goes to shit when you explain that you race a 450. Like, their mind is blown. “A 450?! That’s, like, 200 more than 250.” Hang on a sec…just checking your math there, chief. Yep, I got the same thing. In their head, they are picturing this incredible mass of aluminum on wheels the size of monster trucks with an engine that looks like it came straight from Optimus Prime’s ribcage. No BRO, no. That is not quite the case…

The bike isn’t street legal

Why? Because I don't race an XR650, asshole

Seriously BRO, just fuck off.

I don’t fucking know how fast I’m going out there

I may have touched on this point once or twice in previous blogs but it deserves repeating. Listen up, world, we don’t fucking know how fast we are going, and asking me to guess is like asking a retarded dolphin to play the clarinet. How fast do I think I’m going? Well it sure feels like 120mph, so I’m going with that.

It’s not “motorcross”

I'm sure you do, Grand Cyclops

Adding an “r” in this instance is about the same as pronouncing the “r” at the end of the n-word: It makes you a terrible person. It makes you the type of person who probably burns puppies to power your heroin factory, even though everyone knows that burning puppies are less energy efficient.

Not This: Motocross isn’t easy

I’m adding this one in right here because it’s time to stop trying to explain this. People don’t get it, and who the fuck cares? They suck. They play ultimate frisbee and go to Dave Matthews Band concerts. So why do you care about communicating the difficulty of your sport to them? Moreover, who even cares if it’s difficult? We race because it’s fun. If I liked things because they were difficult, I’d have kept trying to solve that Rubik’s Cube that is now in a million pieces on I-95.

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5 Aspects Of MX That “Motocrossed” Completely Nailed

Posted on September 18, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Best. Movie. Ever.

Flipping through the channels late night yesterday and came across Motocrossed. Like the rest of you, I’m sure, I knew what a masterpiece this film was the instant it came out. If you didn’t share that sentiment, you were either too old or not a real MX BRO, in either case just fucking leave. Since every other attempt to capture the essence of moto culture has been an epic failure (talking to you, Supercross: The Movie), it is reassuring that the great minds at Disney truly know what it means to be a moto BRO. Let’s examine the points where the filmmakers absolutely knocked the ball out of the park in this flick:

Moto Hoe Culture


I really wanted to make this one the big finale but I seriously could not wait to put it out into the world. This is basically the only reason I’m writing this whole post: The team owner’s daughter might be the most accurate character in the entire movie. She’s just some slut who has never ridden anything that didn’t squirt bodily fluids at/in her, and who hangs out at the track for no apparent reason. Except for one: to get steamrolled by the fastest dude on the course. Only reason the original BRO has trouble closing is because he’s a closet fairy, because everyone knows that the dude going 1-1 in 250 Pro has his pick of the litter, pun definitely intended. And what happens when another fast dude shows up from France? Shorty is on his dick before the second moto. Seriously, that’s how fast it happens. 100% perfect depiction of how moto sluts get down.

Moto BROs Speak Like They Had A Stroke Tripping Acid


I mean, when you’re right, you’re right. Motocrossed revealed to the whole Disney-watching world that conversation with anyone who races MX basically consists of basic, non-confusing sentences wrapped up in a nice little “Dude” jacket. I guess you get what you put into it, and since homeschool  consists of BROs Google searching every answer to every test they take, it was bound to happen. No joke, I actually have to go through every post after I write them to edit out the number of times I unwittingly typed the word “dude”.

Bike Sounds

2013 Kawi two stroke revival

I don’t know where you guys grew up racing, but where I come from, Suzukis sound like their balls haven’t dropped yet and Kawis sound like a leaf blower that tried to kill itself. Not to mention the distinct sound of potato chips crunching around in your cylinder when you blow up your bike.

Riders Switch Teams Between Motos


Suzuki moto 1, Kawi moto 2. Standard procedures.

The French Are Assholes

I’ll let Harry Dunne take this one for me:

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4 Reasons Moto Used To Be Way More Badass

Posted on August 16, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Unadilla is this weekend, and for some reason I always think of this race as the old school of old school moto races. Old people piss me off all the time. Like, what the fuck are they thinking? I can’t tell you how annoying it is to talk to guys who raced back in the day, like in my dad’s time. Nonetheless, those dual shock, drum brake motherfuckers paved the way for moto, and before things got horribly sidetracked by corporate bullshit and PR departments, those guys were real fucking bosses. Here are a few reasons that motocross was way gnarlier in the ’70s.

They smoked cigs and drank beer on race day

Pre-moto routine. Fuck your protein shake

Seriously, what would shut a competitor down more than ripping a butt and crushing a brew in their face right before you went out and made their whole family hate them by ruining everyone in the moto? That used to happen. In fact, it is widely known that Joel Robert, who was an absolute boss in the late 60s, once put a cigarette out on a competitor’s barpad on the line for a moto. And, in another instance of alpha male dominance, Robert once stopped mid-moto to get a beer, then proceeded to drink the beer and go back to his bike and still won the race. Um, yeah, until anyone else does that, I think the claim to greatest rider of all time cannot be touched.

Grabbing the trophy girl’s ass was entirely acceptable

If only it were 1978...

I don’t even want to discuss how out of line America has become these days. Like, try this today as a rider and you could seriously be looking at the end of your career. Complete bullshit. We live in a world where girls hope that superstars do something like this just so they can sue them. Shaking my head for those poor, desperate slunts. Back in even the late 80s, a rider was always rewarded with a nice trophy and a healthy ass grab, as if to say “You’d might be the lucky girl who is making my sandwiches tonight.” And at that possibility, the girls were delighted. Not to mention the fact that since it is literally their career now, the girls are just ass for days. I seriously don’t know how dudes resist when they get up on the box after a moto. I would literally have to have my hands on my head. On my actual head.

If your rental car made the whole weekend in one piece, you failed

Success

We all remember the J-Law fiasco back in ’08. It was a big thing and everyone was pissed about it. What people seem to forget is that riders in the ’90s used to make it a point to destroy rental cars, just because they could and it was funny. Yeah, you might have had a race win or two, but you did not earn your stripes until you sent an unmanned Ford Taurus into a grocery store then ran away laughing hysterically at how dead the dumbass people standing in front of the car are now. It was truly a time of no fucks given.

Mullets

Flow for days

If you weren’t fully business in the front and raging party in the back in those days, there is absolutely no way you got pussy. None whatsoever.

 

 

 

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5 Reasons To Be Glad Motocross Isn’t An Olympic Sport

Posted on August 7, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

The whole world is pretty much in full Olympic mode right now. The BMX BROs are all pumped that they get to hit the Olympic course soon, and I know a few moto BROs are jonesing to see some motors between the wheels. Let’s just pump the brakes right there, everyone, and consider a few reasons that we should be thankful that the IOC would rather drink antifreeze on the rocks than allow a motorsport into the Olympics.

Mini Parents On Steroids

It’s no secret that the parents of even the most astoundingly untalented children think they fostered the next coming of Ricky Carmichael. What most of these people need is a swift kick in the balls, and while they are kneeling down on the ground struggling to hold back the post-testicle-mutilation throw-up, just lean down and scream “Listen BRO, your kid sucks” right into their red, vein-popping face. What they don’t need is the glimmer of hope that their half inflated beach ball of a child will be an Olympic athlete someday. Just imagine what would happen – kids would be on training programs before they could walk; pre-natal arm pump surgery would be the new standard; homeschooling would get so big that they’d have to turn it into a regular school, which kids would then be pulled from so they could double homeschool.

Scandals

If you think that's bad, thank Christ you weren't at Vegas this year...

The Olympics are about two things: Being way overrated, and getting kicked out for offenses that even the tightest ass Mormon would claim to be “pretty vanilla”. The Olympics loves scandals. The two go together like beer and more beer. And now I present a point that I bring up a lot: Moto riders are sick fucks. It just runs through their blood stream. I mean, you seriously cannot get as good as these guys are by caring about what might happen if something goes wrong, it is just not possible. And that natural propensity for a lack of giving a fuck is bound to carry over into the every day lifestyle, which would not gel well with the Olympiad at all. Those guys get pissed when people are taking fake blowjobs from hard 0/2 Asian chicks. Pretty much every moto rider would be booted before the opening ceremonies were over.

Oh, and I’m pretty sure the whole steroids issue is a real hot button for those people. So yeah, A LOT of factory riders would be up shit’s creek on that one.

The AMA Series Would Suck

Isn't that the new Kawi rig?

Let’s take a look at two different scenarios: You can bust your ass all year, run a shitload of motos, and endure grueling conditions week after week, and probably watch some other guy do it better than you. Or, you can train at home all year, do one event, get a bunch of endorsements from random companies with huge bank accounts who definitely still think that it’s called “motorcross”, and make just as much money and fuck models and play golf with celebrities and have way more Twitter followers and meet the President and go to awesome coke and sex parties and just have way more fun being awesome than the average moto BRO. It’s a pretty obvious choice, one that you can’t blame anyone else for making.

And for all of you making the argument “Hey, the NBA is still good” – No, it’s not. The NBA sucks.

“New Wave” Moto Fans

How do you fit the scarf in your jersey?

Here’s the thing about me: I usually don’t like talking to normal people about moto. Basically, if you don’t actually race and ride on a regular basis, talking to you about motocross feels like sitting on the business end of a freshly sharpened steak knife. Bring moto into the Olympics, and you bring in a million new hipster fans who can’t tell a clutch lever from a mustache comb. You’d walk into a coffee shop and be bombarded by assholes in horn-rimmed glasses asking “Why don’t riders drink caramel macchiatos in their camelbaks instead of water? Water is so rat race, man.” Thanks but no thanks, BRO.

This…

The day that Polo Ralph Lauren has a legitimate place in moto is the day that I get up in the bell tower with a sniper rifle and a large box of bath salts.

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BRO Top 5: Excuses People Give For Quitting Motocross

Posted on July 27, 2012 by MarcoBROlo | Permalink


So while Eazy sits around with his thumb up his ass all summer riding, I’m watching his empire stagnate and collapse under him. Literally the guy thinks 1 blog a week is acceptable for arguably the biggest blog in motocross. Ridiculous. So to keep the juices flowing here’s a BRO Top 5 for all of you who think that your post-moto life is totally working for you.

[ed. note: Really, all of these just boil down to one thing: you fucked up and let your NFG lifestyle get away from you. The way I see it, you are basically dead. - Eazy]

 1. “It’s too expensive”

This might be the only legit reason I’m about to name. Maybe, just maybe, if every local track didn’t get shut down I wouldn’t have to drive 2-3 hours just to get somewhere to shred. What the fuck, Obama? I’m trying to put some work in on the track today and gas prices just raped me. Anally. Instead I’m just going to invite over 5 of the BROs with the loudest 450’s you’ve ever heard and rip the local sand pits and hopefully get arrested. Like a boss.

 2. “I broke too many bones”

Okay, we’ve all been there. Shattered femur, collar bones in 3 pieces, blah blah blah. We get it tough guy, you’re scarred for life and the whole nine. All I have to say to you is this: Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever.

[ed. note: He definitely just ended that with "Glory lasts forever". BRO as fuck. - Eazy]

 3. “I’m taking a break to finish college”

Hey shithead, you only go to school on the weekdays. If you elected to take a Saturday class you’re an overachieving douchebag and making the rest of us look like assholes. Stop it. News flash – after college you get a Monday through Friday 9-5 job that you hate and actually have to show up to moderately sober. It’s like college with slightly less drinking and more responsibility, then much more drinking later with a sawed off shotgun.

 4. “My bike got stolen”

Sweet BRO. The WOW Boyz needed it more than you did. Get over it and go steal another one. That smug 10 year old down the street hasn’t shut up about his new ride. Kid struts around like his shit don’t stink. Might be a 65, but you don’t give a fuck. Time for a harsh lesson in reality, which is that given the proper amount of elbow grease, literally anything can be applied as a key to a deadbolt. Especially a hammer.

5. “I knocked up some slut”

This might be the worst reason to have to quit racing. Not only do you have to sell everything to pay for some mutant that looks like it just crawled out of the sewer but also you have to deal with the track slut you gave a case of the fetus to every day. Seriously though, I’ve never met a baby that’s not wet with drool, puke, piss, or shit. Needy little fucks. Hey, that dumpster looks about 7 lbs light, better even it out.

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BRO Top 5 – “That Guy” Annoying Starting Gate Habits

Posted on May 24, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

1. The Thumbs Up – How can something so good-natured be so fucking annoying? Listen BRO, that’s great that you want to wish me good luck on this journey we are about to embark upon, but we have been sitting here for 15 minutes and you want to pull this shit 10 seconds before the gate drops? Now if I don’t do it, God will hate me. So fuck you BRO, I hope you get rocked in this moto just so I know I don’t have to deal with this again.

2. The Psyche Up – We all like to get revved up pre-moto. It’s important to get the juices flowing. But the epileptic seizure that you are having next to me is not helping anyone. I am sitting here, game face on, ready go HAM on this track, and I’ve got this asshole who looks like you’re trying to do every move of the macarena at once.

3. Burn outs – Listen boss, it’s cool that your dad still buys your tires, but how many times have you pulled a holeshot in your last ten tries? Let me help you: it’s less than 2. The smokeshow that your are putting on might be turning your tire into a molten traction machine right now, but in the 5 minutes we still have until the gate drops, everything is going to cool down and you’ll be back to spin city once the moment arrives and you won’t get a good start.

4. The Entourage – Let’s make sure everyone is here: we got gate prep guy, goggle guy, umbrella guy, motivational guy, fist bump guy, and “just there because everyone else is” guy. You are popular as fuck, and that’s probably not gay or anything, but your crew is spilling over into my territory, BRO. Fist bump guy will be with you in spirit, but you definitely won’t get a good start.

5. The Gate Creeper – It’s all physics really: a body in motion will move easier than a body not in motion. So if you want to start 30 feet behind the gate and creep your way up like Fred Flintstone, the logic is rock solid. But my eyes are pretty much wired to tell my brain to explode at the sight of any movement, when I see your tire creeping into my periph, it is a bit distracting. And you still won’t get a good start.

Bonus: The Good Samaritan – “Hey dude, looks like you got a flat.” Are you kidding me, asshole? Do I look like I want to hear that right now? I was so much happier five seconds ago. Thanks, dick.

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BRO Top 5: Drinking Games Of The Outdoors That Will Get You Hammered

Posted on May 17, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Holeshot BeerBefore SX, we gave you the top 5 Drinking Games. Now it’s time to go outdoors, and get drunk all over again.

1. Drink when Dungey or Stewart win. Drinking Frequency: 24 times per season. Drink of Choice: Champagne. This is a gimme, a fail-safe. It’s a game that ensures that you will be drinking, and that is pretty much all that we want here. Will it definitely be 24? Maybe, only time will tell. 20+ though, take that to the bank.

2. Drink every time you see a replacement rider. Drinking Frequency: 4-5 times per race. Drink of Choice: Kamikazes. After running through the gauntlet of Supercross, a lot of guys cannot say they made it out the other side. And some guys just say “Fuck nationals” and contract Epstein-Barr. Regardless, teams need the sponsorship dollars coming in, so it’s time to sort through the bargain bin and grab a rider who is just going to go for it, no fucks given.

3. Drink when someone asks where Villopoto or Reed is. Drinking Frequency: 5 times per race. Drink of Choice: Whiskey. If you’ve never been to a national, let me break something down for you: The average fan is a complete fucking moron. That’s all there is to it. Like, how in this day of technology, when you can literally find out with the click of a button what a rider’s shit looks like on a daily basis (soft-serve ice cream today, thank you) can someone be so ignorant. Drink whiskey, it’s an angry beverage. Then punch that asshole in the face.

4. Just drink at Red Bud. Drinking Frequency: A lot. Drink of Choice: Bud Light. There are two reasons to not drink at Red Bud – 1) Your throat is bleeding because you yelled “Red Buuuud” too often, or 2) You are in a state of exhaustion from drinking so much. Actually in either case, drinking more will probably remedy the situation.

5. Drink when Random Hero complains about the track. Drinking Frequency: 10 times per race. Drink of Choice: W[h]ine. All too often at Nationals, random hero shows his ugly face and expects to win. The ugly truth, unfortunately, is that he sucks. He rode a highway track at home and put down some laps, and thinks he’s got it; time to go get famous. But when he gets off practice and is sitting pretty with a solid 60th, he knows where to point fingers.

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