Tag Archives: anaheim 2

Blake Wharton Has Swag For Days And Days And Days

Posted on February 10, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Wharton Anaheim 2
So I just sniped this screenshot from one of the Transworld Pit Pass vids from A2. More or less, Blake Wharton is just doing it and doing it well for the Rockstar team. Like, if you have that sort of ridiculous ecosystem living on top of your dome, you say fuck you all and your New Eras, I’m going to run the shit out of the fedora and shades like a goddamn champion. Clearly, you needn’t school Blake Wharton in the ways of swag, BROs, because he has it in spades. Normally, I would say a hairstyle like Liza Minnelli on an extraordinarily humid day would do nothing to improve your position with the sluts in the pits, but I will publicly race a quad and even donate to their favorite non-profit – the KKK – if Blake did not get at least a dozen phone numbers and equally as many handjobs at Anaheim. Fire up the bandwagon because I am totally on board, BRO. Straight up, that deserves a bonus check from Rockstar. He is totally covering up the caveman look.

If I could run that Slash look, every time I was about to fuck a chick, when I took my hat off, I would say “Welcome to the jungle”. Like a boss.

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GoPro At A2: Alessi BROs Just Being Alessi BROs

Posted on February 7, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink


The only part of this video I want to talk about is Alessi. Like, I would get sick of talking about this kid if he didn’t keep firing material my way. I’m like the guy who sells rape whistles; I am putting my product out there to stop something terrible, but stopping that terror inherently means harming my own business. It is a real catch-22.

Anyway, don’t you dare make the mistake of thinking Mike Alessi was out there having fun with his BRO Jeff. Honestly, that is what I thought when I saw his GoPro vid from the race, but seeing this one with the enhanced audio, he clearly yells “Move over” to Jeff. The high-pitched, seemingly fun-loving yelp is actually the cry of 150 pounds of solid vag muscle. That’s the most he can muster. And what do you need Jeff to move over for, BRO? So you can man-handle your way to an 8th place finish? I’m putting it out there right now: other than the fact that Jeff looks like Mike and shares the same last name, I have nothing against him. Like, I don’t really think I could hang out with him just knowing that he is the spawn of Tony, but from what I have gathered he is a normal BRO. You know, gets drunk, fucks chicks, screams about America; normal BRO stuff. Unfortunately, he has been programmed to be the second fiddle, like the horse used to motivate supposedly faster and douchier horses. He would, without question, cut off his own arms and donate them if Mike developed an arm pump problem.

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This Just In: Promo Chicks Are Dumb

Posted on February 7, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Is anyone really surprised with how this turned out? These girls need not be smart, that’s how life turned out for them. Just look cute and smile. I honestly would not be surprised if the boss tells them before every race “Listen, the less you open your mouth, the better” (exception: Monster chick who knew what a holeshot was. Said it with authority and like she fucks till you die of exhaustion. And Tapia’s sister, I know she knows a little something at least). This is just the way it is in our sport; most real moto chicks just can’t deliver when it comes to overall attractiveness, so we are forced to outsource our sex appeal. Like, yeah, I might rather talk to a moto chick about racing, but that desire to speak to you lasts about five minutes until I get sick of it. Then it’s time for the real reason that I pretend to care about your opinion on things, and the overwhelming majority of moto chicks just are not cutting the mustard that is in the sandwich that you have yet to make me.

By the way, I place no blame on the girls for the whole moto sounds part of the video. No one likes doing that, and if you do, you’re a clown. Asking them to do it was an invitation to fail. I find nothing cute about women doing motorcycle noises. It is thoroughly unattractive. Instant soft-on.

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A2 For Assholes: 250 Class Breakdown

Posted on February 7, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Tomac Anaheim 2 2012Pre-Race – I tweeted this already but Fro’s key to the race is 100% effort. Can’t argue with that. I would also add don’t fall and cross the finish line first. Dianna fucked up the wink on the 30 second board. She looked like she had a bout with epilepsy for about half a second. Unusual, she normally nails anything to do with sex appeal.

Holeshot – Tomac grabs it but Seely steps up and takes that shit like a CEbrO. Seely was running a BROtocross sticker on his jacket today. Coincidence? You decide. No, I’ll decide for you: No.

Lap 1 – Seely and Tomac doing business, pulling away. Snapping necks and cashing checks.

Lap 2 – Seely loses a foot in the whoops, regains his composure like an individual who manages several people and responsibilities in an office environment. Loses no time.

Lap 3 – Izzi looking solid in 4th, seems to have forgotten the fact that he has a child. And seems to be remembering that he scored Weimer’s chick then tossed her to the curb when her sandwiches lost their appeal.

Lap 4 – Notice that Wilson is running the red glove steeze, J-Law style. Like a boss. Also tossing casual one footers on the triple. Equally as boss-like, only when done casually. Not one fuck given.

Lap 4 (cont’d) – Seely goes down, has his side panel flapping around like a plastic wing from Joey Airlines.

Lap 6 – Wilson gets sketchy in the sketchy rhythm section that Stewart ate shit in. Tomac meanwhile is tripling through because, to quote the great Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu, “he’s not a little bitch”.

Lap 7 – The “Pass of the Race” is shown, again only half way through the moto, decidedly communicating to the viewers that nothing exciting is going to happen beyond Wilson’s very vanilla pass on Izzi.

Lap 8 – Sipes all up in Izzi’s grillmix. Fro says “huckabuck”, which I am now programmed to hear above any other sound in the world. I am also programmed to think it is stupid. I feel like people from the deep, DEEP South say “huckabuck” a lot.

Lap 13 – Tomac riding the track like “Listen, you’s a bitch, and I’m ain’t.” Unforgivable, dog.

Lap 14 – Wilson catching Musquin, Ralph exclaims that Dean is “easing his way into the backside of” Marvin. Fro undoubtedly almost loses his shit right there, while Ralph is beginning to get all sweaty thinking about it.

Finish – Tomac takes it with authority, Seely second with as much authority, Musquin holds off Wilson. Mitch prepares the team for a Kunta Kinte-style lashing.

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Can We All Agree That Cypress Hill Gets High With Dungey?

Posted on February 6, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

So that Amanda chick from Supercross.com found B-Real from Cypress Hill in the pits at A2. It can’t just be me thinking that this is not B-Real, right? Just a stand-in, a look alike. This is not the guy who dropped “Hits From The Bong”. Just no way. First of all, that B-Real would never be such a nerd. This dude is all pronouncing his words fluently like a mark-ass bitch. Hey, college, why don’t you go play ultimate frisbee on the quad? Second, the real B-Real would be rooting for one man and one man only: that’s right, Ryan Dungey. Let’s be real here (ha, wordplay) – Dungey probably hits the green every day of the week to be able to be such a laser on raceday. All that “super pumped” and “keep our heads down” bullshit does not come easy, especially after a race with a microphone shoved in your face. BRO’s got to have nerves of steel, and having a dime bag in his pocket after every race cannot hurt. I mean, if there is one guy in all of motocross that I would say is blowing smoke rings around his handlebars at night, it’s Dungey. Let’s just say that when B-Real says “Just got an ounce in the mail,” he almost definitely got that ounce from Dungey. Actually, this very well may be the real B-Real, because that is exactly what Dungey would have coached him to say. While they were hitting the bong. One love, BRO. And I don’t think this post was too much of a stretch at all.

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A2 For Assholes: The 450 Lap-By-Lap Breakdown

Posted on February 6, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

Villopoto A2 2012No BRO coverage at A2? No worries, we’ll just throw in a lap by lap breakdown from the BRO perspective. If you want to follow along, find the race on YouTube. If you can’t find it on YouTube, I advise you call your Best Buddy and have him remind you to breathe again.

Track preview – Who is going to tell this red arrow to fuck off already?

Holeshot – Villopoto takes it from Brayton who joe’d it out to the outside, which is what everyone does when they think they have the holeshot and hit the brakes way too late.

Lap 1 – Reed passes Villopoto like a boss. Villopoto passes Chad back a few turns later. Carmichael is talking and says “the hoops section”. I am upset.

Lap 2 – Stewart is going on-on-off from the inside like a boss while everyone else is tripling on then off. Also, Stewart is still tire tapping the triple he ate shit on. Clearly, no fucks will be given by him right now.

Lap 4 – Villopoto, Reed, Stewart. Dungey has been running 6th for three laps in a row now, meaning his lap charts read 6-6-6. I’m on to you, Ryan. Or should I say, Satan.

Lap 8 – Villopoto may be in the lead but he drags his foot like a joe through turn one every lap.

Lap 9 – Stewart passes Chad, who looks over like “the fuck’s up with this bullshit?”

Lap 10 – James has a tear off flapping, which is the moto equivalent to having your woman on her period with a megaphone and a new Flo Rida album.

Lap 11 – Dungey passes Brayton. Brayton did not look like a boss for that one.

Lap 12 – Millsaps and Windham battling. Davi is psyched as fuck to never have to wear an AGV again. Turns out that mouthpieces that look like they belong on a basking shark are not a good look. And Windham is just not giving a fuck because he won in the crowd’s eyes the second he hucked the transfer.

Lap 13 – Everything Ralph says sounds like a sexual reference when you have the mind and maturity of a 12 year old.

Lap 14 – Ralph say’s he is “not trying to date Kevin Windham”. A brute note of insincerity is evident in his voice.

Lap 15 – Windham and Millsaps still battling. It’s K-Dub, BRO, we know what is going to happen. He never loses, he just allows others to lose less than normal sometimes.

Lap 16 – Chad is hanging with James, both are pacing Villopoto. Dungey, meanwhile, is on a KTM.

Lap 17 – Ralph explains that Stewart is making up points in the championship, even though Villopoto is obviously the points leader now and is ahead of him. Ralph does math not good.

Lap 20 – Villopoto either double or triple lapping Jeff Alessi, which reminds me that Mike Alessi (and by extension, Tony Alessi) has not gotten any TV time in this race. Thus far in this program, Jeff is more valuable to sponsors for being lapped. Like a boss.

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Opening Up The Week With Windham’s 100ft A2 Transfer

Posted on February 6, 2012 by Eazy | Permalink

The reason that I am posting both of these vids is so that people can not only see the transfer, but see the production that is built around the transfer. Seeing K-Dub in opening ceremonies is a real experience. I mean, the man is coming out to Your Love, this is going to get emotional. He builds you up with all the goofy little jumps over the tuff blocks and shit, which I guarantee was thriller enough for about 30% of the audience. Then he just sends the money booter and wraps up the rest of the crowd, hook, line, and sinker. How does K-Dub have the biggest fan base in the sport? Through building a calculated and quantifiable fan experience targeted toward the highest number of spectators possible. Oh yeah, and being a fucking boss on a motorcycle. Kevin Windham is the Moneyball of opening ceremonies SX riders.

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