Holeshot: Sipes gets it, but not according to Ralph. Who knew Sheheen was such a friend of the privateers, giving Jarred Browne the plug.
Lap 1: Tomac pulls the savage move of the year, passing Wilson and grabbing enough front brake to melt an ice hotel and standing it up on the front wheel all the way into the corner. No fucks given.
Lap 2: Deano takes Eli into the tuffblocks right after the finish, a clear display of how Dean doesn’t give a fuck that Eli doesn’t give a fuck.
Lap 2 (cont’d): The fuck is a whoop pad?
Lap 5: Tomac giving Dean the business. Like a boss. Moves into second after the triple. Dean tosses him off the track, no fucks given. Tomac then jumps over the tuffblocks and into the middle of the track, equal amount of fucks given.
Lap 6: Spoiler alert: Musquin gets second in this race. We’re almost halfway through, and he just passed Baker for 8th. Wait, what?
Lap 8: Tomac. Inside line. Dean’s face. Dirt. That’s a poem I wrote about this lap. Tomac to 2nd.
Lap 11: Seely and Hahn duking it out for 3rd. Musquin’s back there lurking, all French and shit.
Lap 12: Laninovich passes Deano for 7th. He don’t give a four letter word about your PC ride, BRO.
Lap 13: Deano back around Lano. Dean is clearly feeling the effects of riding outside the top 3, kind of like when you go to Wal-Mart in the South and just feel sick for no reason.
Lap 14: Musquin gets around Seely, and looks fast. That is all.
Lap 15: Musquin pushes Tomac to third. Tomac is second gearing his way around the track right now since his shift lever is more twisted than a Catholic priest’s wet dream.
Finish: Sipes may have won the race, but Musquin did a heel clicker over the finish (because he thought he got 1st, like a joe), so if we factored in the Speed and Style points, Marvin would probably win.