I think it’s about that time. Motocross Des Nations (core BROs say “Des”, even though it’s not American. There’s exceptions for every rule.) qualifying kicks off tomorrow, and since I’m not a weekend blogger, I will talk some shit right now. I love MXdN, I really do. I think I seriously get more amped up to watch this race than any other. There’s something to be said for simply kicking back and watching America be better than everyone else. To get everyone up to speed, I’ll do a quick breakdown of the contenders:
The Juggernaut
USA
MX1 – Ryan Dungey
MX2 – Blake Baggett
MX3 – Justin Barcia
We win.
The Contenders
France
MX1 – Gautier Paulin
MX2 – Marvin Musquin
MX3 – Xavier Boog
I use the term “contenders” pretty loosely with pretty much every team on this list, but if anyone is going to threaten the US besides a meteor strike or a volcano, it’s France. As with every team that is a legitimate contender, they have a rider who is full-time USA now, even buys Bud Heavies and may or may not have a gun collection. Luckily, France is usually too busy surrendering to win anything.
United Kingdom
MX1 – Tommy Searle
MX2 – Jake Nicholls
MX3 – Max Anstie
I actually initially wrote this one incorrectly, then went to like 3 different sites to make sure the info was correct. Anstie riding MX3? He’s one of those kids that I could never picture riding a 450, ever. He’s like Frankie Muniz or something – no matter what, he’s always going to be a little kid. But he’s also a ginger, and those slippery motherfuckers can never be trusted. Regardless, it’s going to take a lot more photos of Kate Middleton’s tits to faze the US.
Italy
MX1 – Antonio Cairoli
MX2 – Alessandro Lupino
MX3 – David Guarneri
Euros never shut up about how Cairoli is going to show us what’s up, and it never happens. It’s always the same – coming in, all the Euros are saying that there is no way the leading US guy can beat Cairoli, and every year we hand it to him. Guy can ride, but he knows damn well why he has never and will never come to the US to race. Medium fish in a little pond. And I don’t know much about the others, save for the fact that Lupino rides a Husky, so mark him down for a DNF.
Belgium
MX1 – Clement Desalle
MX2 – Jeremy Van Horbeek
MX3 – Ken De Dycker
Hometown heros. Desalle is fast, and seems like he legitimately hates everyone else on the track with him, like they all just stole his waffle maker, which you do NOT do in Belgium, probably. And I’ve heard that De Dycker is so old school that he literally chain smokes before and after races. Guy would probably smoke during the moto if it wasn’t for the fat dip he’s definitely packing in there.
Germany
MX1 – Max Nagl
MX2 – Ken Roczen
MX3 – Marcus Schiffer
3rd Rider Syndrome plaguing the Hitler boys hard these days. Nagl and Roczen can do their shit out there, but Schiffer is probably going to be supplying the throwaway moto out there. Guy can do whips to scream-o music, though, so who the fuck knows?
Netherlands
MX1 – Marc De Reuver
MX2 – Glen Coldenhoff
MX3 – Jeffrey Herlings
I don’t actually think the Dutch have a shot, but this Herlings kid is the real deal. The last sand GP, he won both motos by over 2 minutes, which I firmly believe is the most impressive single race statistic I have ever heard, including when Carmichael lapped everyone at Millville. That was a mud race, and while I still think RC is the Don Corleone of moto bosses, no one really cares about mud skills when it comes down to it. Herlings also does not give a fuck what anyone else has to say. I like the kid, I hope he comes to America so he can be cool.