Main Event 1
Pre-race: Only half the gates fall on the first drop. Guy responsible for the starting gates just had to take an enema from a Monster can. Only joes use the clutch anyway, so it’s a moot point.
Holeshot: Grant takes the holey, which actually occurs in the third turn, because this race is so edgy and non-conformist and cool. Dungey and Villopoto are 2-3.
Lap 2: Barcia’s on the Tokyo Drift program off the side of the track in 4th while Dungey is only just beginning to figure out what KTM problems really are.
Lap 3: Villopoto into the lead and pulling away, because ACLs are overrated.
Lap 4: Dungey around Grant then the KTM 450 decides it’s done shifting – because it’s on its period. Grant and Barcia get around.
Lap 5: Dungey decides to take matters into his own hands and suicide shifts the bike in the air while getting face deep in his handle bars, all the while over clearing the shit out of the triple like a boss.
Lap 7: Finally seeing Reed in the mix. RC’s nickname for him is double deuce. Because we’re in Vegas, the only place where deuce means something other than “shit”.
Lap 8: Villopoto is launching the double after the triple about 50 feet past the landing, because only pussies give a fuck about where the landing of a double is, no matter what.
Lap 9: It turns out Alessi is using audio communication in his helmet this race, because Tony knows that the only thing that’s been missing in his son’s career is his voice in his ear at all times.
Lap 10: Villopoto wins, Barcia 2nd, Dungey 3rd. Tomac passed Reed on the last lap because it turns out he’s a total savage and just decided to ride the 450 like he doesn’t give a fuck who’s in front of him.
Main Event 2
Holeshot: Villopoto has it and people just started turning the channel.
Lap 2: Then of course, Villopoto completely headshakes himself into no man’s land and rocks his dome. Call the desert racers and get a steering stabilizer on that bitch, pronto. ‘Poto now looks like he’s on the losing end of a 5th of Vodka.
Lap 3: Alessi gets around Dungey for the lead, but it won’t last long because Tony is literally screaming in his ear “Don’t fuck up. Don’t fuck up. Don’t fuck up.”
Lap 4: Dungey reaching down again to shift his bike. DeCoster feverishly writing on the pit board “Dude, that’s NOT faster”. Turns out he has to do it because, you know, #KTMproblems. Barcia passes Dungey and Reed in the same turn, a good sign that 2013 won’t suck big time.
Lap 6: Barcia into the lead. Tony continues to yell obscenities. Dungey continuing to practice shift grabs for his FMX debut.
Lap 8: Reed down. Ralph actually tries to offer some analysis of how it happened. RC and Jeff shut him down simultaneously, because Ralph is going to hurt himself.
Lap 9: Alessi got around Barcia when JB used the Joker Lane, and now Barcia gets him back and Alessi has him tee’d up but doesn’t pull the trigger. Fro commenting on Alessi’s weird hand signals.
Lap 10: Barcia wraps it up with a boss one footer (don’t say #legswag, it’s way too hipster)
Main Event 3
Holeshot: Alessi grabs it and sends about 3 tuff blocks onto the track to take some BROs out for good measure.
Lap 2: Karma’s a bitch and Alessi completely joe’s a tuff block after the Lance Armstrong whoops (That’s a whoop section on steroids). Dungey into the lead.
Lap 4: Barcia and Tomac are hounding Dungey, who’s all “What the fuck’s going on here?”
Lap 5: Tomac took the Joker Lane last lap, which means he’s vibing his swagger so hard that he thinks he can get back up to those guys and pass them when they use it. Like a boss.
Lap 7: Barcia into the lead, Tomac into 2nd as Dungey hit the Joker Lane.
Lap 9: Barcia into the Joker Lane, Tomac into the lead. ET looking smart as fuck.
Lap 10: Tomac wins it, Barcia wins the overall with 2-1-2 and $100K. By the looks of the screen grab up top, the moto hoes of this era work a lot faster, because we’re definitely getting a look at the vinegar strokes right there.