Last year, I blogged why the pick-up kit costume will not fly. This year, BRO is going to take the sympathy angle and actually try to help all the joes who cannot live without letting the world know that they rode a dirt bike once. It seems that it needs to be mentioned every year. The business of Halloween is candy and getting laid. Seriously, that’s all that you should have on your mind. Maybe getting hammered, too. But that pretty much comes with getting laid or even being awake, if you’re a boss. But every year, moto BROs show up to parties rocking a straight pick-up kit. Just their riding jersey and pants, like an asshole. But while I may have condemned the pick-up kit costume before, but here are a few ways to make it suck a little less:
Go Old School
Have one of those ancient Suzuki jerseys with the black mesh that looks like it came out of the meat packing (and I do mean meat packing) district in San Francisco? Then you’ve got a costume. Generally, I subscribe to the belief that new is always better. But the whole art of Halloween is to dress up as something you are not. Is that girl really a slutty cat, slutty nurse, slutty alien, slutty lawnmower, slutty stop sign, or slutty prostitute? No, she is just a slut. It’s all about taking it beyond your everyday routine. Get an old school jersey and you are on your way to a costume that doesn’t make everyone hate you. Better yet, just dress as On Any Sunday, like carry around a boombox playing the theme and everything. Instalaid, that’s what that’s called.
So key in the pick-up kit costume. What do joes wear? A normal hat or helmet. Stupid. What is the point? You might as well wear a sign that says “I’m actually a terrible person”. You have displayed zero creativity or sense of humor and let the whole party know that you actually suck at riding because your HJC visor is way too low or the brim on your Monster hat could not get any flatter. What do bosses run? Probably a mullet. And not a wig; a real mullet. Everyone got laid in the 80s with mullets, and with your old ass jersey, you know that it’s time to complete package. It takes some planning and discipline, probably going to need to grow out your hair for a few months. But hey, with great mullet comes great responsibility. Also, throw on some goggles, but they have to be loaded with tear-offs, because wearing goggles is a universally accepted invitation to have beer spit in your face, a favor which you can then return to the fuckwad not wearing goggles.
What is the ideal accessory for a legit pick-up kit costume? A bike. Bring a 110, it can fit inside the party and will do wonders for the entertainment factor after a keg stand or 12. Drinking responsibly is for people who don’t get laid. A couple 2x4s, a table, and a large fire and you have the makings for the savage stunt of the night. Jump that shit and basically put on your flood boots for the stream of pussy that will be flowing your way.
Make It Ironic
If all else fails, throw something together that at least all the other moto BROs will think is funny. Wear an Alessi jersey, but print #1 on it. Or if you’re black, dress as anyone other than James Stewart. Maybe show up as Broc Hepler but don’t have a concussion. If you’re a KTM woods ripper, maybe wear KTM everything, and I mean everything…