So while Eazy sits around with his thumb up his ass all summer riding, I’m watching his empire stagnate and collapse under him. Literally the guy thinks 1 blog a week is acceptable for arguably the biggest blog in motocross. Ridiculous. So to keep the juices flowing here’s a BRO Top 5 for all of you who think that your post-moto life is totally working for you.
[ed. note: Really, all of these just boil down to one thing: you fucked up and let your NFG lifestyle get away from you. The way I see it, you are basically dead. - Eazy]
1. “It’s too expensive”
This might be the only legit reason I’m about to name. Maybe, just maybe, if every local track didn’t get shut down I wouldn’t have to drive 2-3 hours just to get somewhere to shred. What the fuck, Obama? I’m trying to put some work in on the track today and gas prices just raped me. Anally. Instead I’m just going to invite over 5 of the BROs with the loudest 450’s you’ve ever heard and rip the local sand pits and hopefully get arrested. Like a boss.
2. “I broke too many bones”
Okay, we’ve all been there. Shattered femur, collar bones in 3 pieces, blah blah blah. We get it tough guy, you’re scarred for life and the whole nine. All I have to say to you is this: Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever.
[ed. note: He definitely just ended that with "Glory lasts forever". BRO as fuck. - Eazy]
3. “I’m taking a break to finish college”
Hey shithead, you only go to school on the weekdays. If you elected to take a Saturday class you’re an overachieving douchebag and making the rest of us look like assholes. Stop it. News flash – after college you get a Monday through Friday 9-5 job that you hate and actually have to show up to moderately sober. It’s like college with slightly less drinking and more responsibility, then much more drinking later with a sawed off shotgun.
4. “My bike got stolen”
Sweet BRO. The WOW Boyz needed it more than you did. Get over it and go steal another one. That smug 10 year old down the street hasn’t shut up about his new ride. Kid struts around like his shit don’t stink. Might be a 65, but you don’t give a fuck. Time for a harsh lesson in reality, which is that given the proper amount of elbow grease, literally anything can be applied as a key to a deadbolt. Especially a hammer.
5. “I knocked up some slut”
This might be the worst reason to have to quit racing. Not only do you have to sell everything to pay for some mutant that looks like it just crawled out of the sewer but also you have to deal with the track slut you gave a case of the fetus to every day. Seriously though, I’ve never met a baby that’s not wet with drool, puke, piss, or shit. Needy little fucks. Hey, that dumpster looks about 7 lbs light, better even it out.