1. Drink when Ralph Sheheen passively implies that he has the gay for James Stewart. Drinking Frequency: 7x per show. Drink of choice: Apple Martini. Let’s cut the bullshit here – if James asked Ralph to suck his dick, he would. That is really all there is to it. Like that scene in Alpha Dog when Johnny Truelove asks that bitch ginger dude to do it just to see if he will. Ralph would do it. And we went with Apple Martinis because they are totally gay and you can spread them out over an entire night as this drinking game warrants.
2. Crush a beer when Dungey’s KTM grenades. Drinking Frequency: 4x per season, give or take 2. Drink of choice: Arrogant Bastard Ale. This one obviously will not happen every race, but statistically, it can’t not happen. Factory KTM has consistently blown bikes up every single race season, and as much as they are killing it with the feel-good video Christmas cards, all that extra effort does nothing to stop Dungey from dropping a valve by the fifth race of the season. Went with Arrogant Bastard because that is a great drink when consumed only once in a great while, and those KTM BROs love to be Arrogant Bastards.
3. Beer every time you say “BRO, Windham is the fucking man.” Drinking Frequency: Approx. 3x per race. Drink of choice: Budweiser. K-Dub is one of the good old boys, and deserves an American brew backing him. I mean, when other riders admit to getting drunk after the races, people literally shit themselves in pure anger. That’s right, they completely switch to full-on diarrhea mode and just sprinkler shit all over the floor. Not Windham. He has earned the right to go out to the bar and have beers with the boys, which he does, thereby making him even more so the man. I defy any rider to take this dude out and still retain any sort of fan base. That is fucking power, think about it.
4. Do a shot when Mike Alessi gets stood up in a turn. Drinking Frequency: 4x per moto minimum. Drink of choice: Watered-down Vodka – I know, you read the go-to drink and immediately thought “What the fuck, BRO?” Just take a second to think about this – Anything but some weak shit is going to legitimately kill people. I do not need that bad karma on me. Mike Alessi might be able to rip starts, but that only means he’ll be standing up like Jerry Seinfeld and equally hilarious. Alternate game that will get you equally fucked: Drink every time Tony Alessi gets sad. His tears are delicious.
5. Drink every time you should not have believed the hype. Drinking Frequency: Approx. 5x per main event. Drink of choice: Scotch. Ah, yes, Scotch. The drink of jubilation and extreme disappointment. We are not talking about Mike Alessi here. Of course, he is included in this, but it does not revolve around him. Every year, there are at least five riders who have a serious buzz around them coming in, and every year without fail most of those riders epically suck. New team, new bike, it does not mean shit when you come in to the season as only a faint and dejected echo of your former self. Drink up, BROs.