Pre-race: Ralph sounds like he is losing his voice. There must be an epic battle between good and evil happening right now. The further gone Ralph’s voice becomes, the better the good forces are doing.
Holeshot: Cole fucking Seely rips it. Has anyone else made such a leap into boss territory as this kid in the past two years?
Lap 1: The Dunge is in 2nd, while Villopoto and Bubbsy are outside the top 5. KTM just had to leave to change their pants. Ralph drops an Erik Kehoe reference just to let everyone know how much he knows about moto.
Lap 4: James gets all sorts of fucked up on the dragon’s back at the end of the first rhythm. #YZ450Problems
Lap 5: Stewart passes Hanny, who is just a regular character in Up Front Land these days, probably from not giving a fuck.
Lap 6: First glimpse of Seely’s line after the sand, which is fast as a motherfucker: Double up onto the takeoff of the step up, then launch the landing over the hay bales because you are a boss. Pulls on Dungey every lap.
Lap 8: Dunge uses the newest trick in his arsenal to pass Seely: block pass then stop in the turn and look over at the dude, saying “Don’t.”
Lap 9: Villopoto passes Seely, who pulled the Joey Wheelspin move in the straightaway.
Lap 11: James passes Seely. Best pass of the race – probably about a second behind going into the turn and Bonsais it into the inside. Probably about an 80% percent chance that he was going down there. But BROs don’t give a fuck.
Lap 13: Villopoto almost kills Peick who was on the downside of the triple. Oh, and the red lights were lit up like a swinger’s party in Amsterdam. The dumbass who didn’t put them in the turn before, where the yellow lights are, is to blame.
Lap 13 (cont’d): Ralph says “calamity”. No joke, he just gained a couple of points with that drop in, which puts his stock at .02. And that is where the term “give your 2 cents” comes from.
Lap 14: Stewart lost the race by not tripling. Dungey would have too if Monster could prove that they were on when he went by but not when RV went by.
Lap 15: Villopoto almost eats shit like a joe on the feature after the finish line. He would have jumped the berm right into the mechanic’s area. The fans would have loved it.
Lap 15 (cont’d): Windham running 8th. 200 main events and a transfer at every race, the guy could literally kick back with a brew after opening ceremonies and still be the shit. Probably even more so, because who doesn’t love a guy who drinks beers and ignores responsibilities? Communists, that’s who.
Lap 17: Dungey laps Alessi, who has definitely been putting in the practice time as to how to get out of the way. True story.
Lap 18: Partridge’s wave to Dungey to let him by reminds me of arm swag. That’s right BROs, your arm swag bullshit is the wave lappers give to the leaders. Congratu-fucking-lations.
Lap 19: Villopoto shows Dungey a wheel. Dungey’s butthole is just an imaginary thing at this point. Might as well have a unicorn or a well-handling Husqvarna up there now. Isn’t it ironic, though, because Dungey won the race right there because VilloBROto lost so much time.
Lap 20: Villopoto at this point would rather win or die trying than get second and not have a few teeth and fingers missing. That is the definition of BROing for it. Like a boss.
Finish: Dungey’s celebration over the finish is so busch league we should just give the win to Villopoto. Nothing says “Hey I won and am psyched about it” like a Joey Turndown with a hint of butt whip mixed in. Poto gets second, and James gets third without crashing.