The whole world is pretty much in full Olympic mode right now. The BMX BROs are all pumped that they get to hit the Olympic course soon, and I know a few moto BROs are jonesing to see some motors between the wheels. Let’s just pump the brakes right there, everyone, and consider a few reasons that we should be thankful that the IOC would rather drink antifreeze on the rocks than allow a motorsport into the Olympics.
Mini Parents On Steroids
It’s no secret that the parents of even the most astoundingly untalented children think they fostered the next coming of Ricky Carmichael. What most of these people need is a swift kick in the balls, and while they are kneeling down on the ground struggling to hold back the post-testicle-mutilation throw-up, just lean down and scream “Listen BRO, your kid sucks” right into their red, vein-popping face. What they don’t need is the glimmer of hope that their half inflated beach ball of a child will be an Olympic athlete someday. Just imagine what would happen – kids would be on training programs before they could walk; pre-natal arm pump surgery would be the new standard; homeschooling would get so big that they’d have to turn it into a regular school, which kids would then be pulled from so they could double homeschool.
Scandals
If you think that's bad, thank Christ you weren't at Vegas this year...
The Olympics are about two things: Being way overrated, and getting kicked out for offenses that even the tightest ass Mormon would claim to be “pretty vanilla”. The Olympics loves scandals. The two go together like beer and more beer. And now I present a point that I bring up a lot: Moto riders are sick fucks. It just runs through their blood stream. I mean, you seriously cannot get as good as these guys are by caring about what might happen if something goes wrong, it is just not possible. And that natural propensity for a lack of giving a fuck is bound to carry over into the every day lifestyle, which would not gel well with the Olympiad at all. Those guys get pissed when people are taking fake blowjobs from hard 0/2 Asian chicks. Pretty much every moto rider would be booted before the opening ceremonies were over.
Oh, and I’m pretty sure the whole steroids issue is a real hot button for those people. So yeah, A LOT of factory riders would be up shit’s creek on that one.
The AMA Series Would Suck
Isn't that the new Kawi rig?
Let’s take a look at two different scenarios: You can bust your ass all year, run a shitload of motos, and endure grueling conditions week after week, and probably watch some other guy do it better than you. Or, you can train at home all year, do one event, get a bunch of endorsements from random companies with huge bank accounts who definitely still think that it’s called “motorcross”, and make just as much money and fuck models and play golf with celebrities and have way more Twitter followers and meet the President and go to awesome coke and sex parties and just have way more fun being awesome than the average moto BRO. It’s a pretty obvious choice, one that you can’t blame anyone else for making.
And for all of you making the argument “Hey, the NBA is still good” – No, it’s not. The NBA sucks.
“New Wave” Moto Fans
How do you fit the scarf in your jersey?
Here’s the thing about me: I usually don’t like talking to normal people about moto. Basically, if you don’t actually race and ride on a regular basis, talking to you about motocross feels like sitting on the business end of a freshly sharpened steak knife. Bring moto into the Olympics, and you bring in a million new hipster fans who can’t tell a clutch lever from a mustache comb. You’d walk into a coffee shop and be bombarded by assholes in horn-rimmed glasses asking “Why don’t riders drink caramel macchiatos in their camelbaks instead of water? Water is so rat race, man.” Thanks but no thanks, BRO.
This…
The day that Polo Ralph Lauren has a legitimate place in moto is the day that I get up in the bell tower with a sniper rifle and a large box of bath salts.
