This vid has been going viral these past 24 hours. I had to post it because all the true NFG BROs can relate to this – that instant when you’re in the air after sending a new jump and you realize that you are epically fucked and your balls go up into your stomach. Like, for a moment you think you might just be dreaming and the instant you hit the ground you will wake up. Then you hit the ground and get absolutely destroyed and start to take inventory of what vital organs are failing and how many bones just killed themselves. But it’s part of the game; part of progressing the level of fucks that you don’t give. If you haven’t done it before, you’re just a bitch, BRO. Go make a sandwich.
Speaking of making sandwiches, I found this other view of the crash, and can we talk about how women should just not be allowed at these events? Actually, I need to amend that – women should not be allowed to watch these events. Same reason that kids can’t go see “R” rated movies – it’s just a little too much for them, and no one wants to deal with the asshole kid throwing Milk Duds while they are getting a handy from their chick in the popcorn bucket. But the screeching has just got to stop. Yeah, the dude is going to eat shit. Your Pigmy war-cry is not going to help anything. It’s just going to piss everybody off. Calm down, take control of the situation, and direct yourself to the nearest stove; I like my PB&J grilled.
Well this one takes me back. I’m glad this is a mountain bike vid because we get the real time reactions from the kid. I think we can all relate to this. First time you hit a legit jump, you knew you were the shit. Women want you, men want the women that want you but fuck them. Like, you’re going pro, no doubt about it. It’s like “Um, I don’t know if you saw me, but I just almost did that double back there. It’s basically just a matter of waiting for the contract in the mail now.” Who to ride for? I mean, this is a career choice now. It’s time to start thinking about how you’ll handle interviews and sponsorships and the endless wave of pussy that is going to be cascading through your bedroom door. And then you fall. Fuck this, where are my Legos?
Well, that seems about right. I mean, 3 feet of air and it’s all she can handle. Thing just grenades the second it touches down from that journey through the stratosphere. I mean, same shit happens when dudes jump Monster Trucks – it’s just way too much of a fatass vehicle to be performing maneuvers like that. Use your head, BRO.
Since I’m the type of guy who slams on the brakes when passing the scene of an accident just to possibly catch a glimpse of the idiot who went through the windshield at mach 2, I have to wonder how the US did at Quads of Nations? Had to kill it right? What other country has even the shred of redneck concentration that the US has? Maybe Canada, and they usually win stupid shit that no one cares about all the time so that could be a powerhouse team. Then again, that would mean they would have to pay to get all that shit over there and Canada doesn’t really have that kind of swing in the bank account if MXoN is any indication. Quads may take priority over there, though, I really don’t know.
Say what you want about this Apu-looking motherfucker, but the dude has moxie. Straight away he’s all “Just give me one.” Like, enough of your bullshit, everyone, I want to ride. I do not give a fuck whose bike this is, I am taking it. Dude is all business. These are the makings of a boss. Do I want an autograph? No, I’ll give you an autograph, how about that? I mean, Mitch Payton is a man who has literally made professional riders cry, and this dude is like “Listen, Wheels, you have 3 bikes sitting right here. Give me one.” No one reading this right now would have the balls to do that. Hey BRO, you only live once, so do you. Wait, if this guy is Hindu, he can’t say that, right? Whatever, he can start giving a fuck in his next life.
Ok, literally just watched this. At the beginning, I was all “The fuck’s a joker lane?” Then RC explained it, satisfaction ensued. To my understanding, you have to use the joker lane at one point in each race, and it is obviously way slower than not using it, especially since it appears to be sandier than Bret Michaels’ vagina. I think the massive oversight with this track feature is the fact that a lot of these guys are dumb as fuck. No joke, that’s the medically correct term for their condition – dumb as fuck. DAF, for those in the know.
Not only are you telling these guys that they have to use this lane once in each race, but you are putting that on them when they have to do 3 fucking main events. Trust me, this would have dude’s in the fetal position in one main, let alone 3. You don’t want to confuse moto BROs. Why do you think the mechanics hold up pit boards listing the sponsors? Because thinking is difficult and makes my head have a tummy ache. If you’ve ever read that section in Transworld where they ask the riders and the models general knowledge questions, then you should understand that many of us struggle with basic math. 9×9? My phone has a calculator chief, that is my answer. With this joker lane, you’ll have guys going “Did I use it this moto yet? Yeah I definitely did. Wait, was that the last lap of the last moto? No. Yes. Wait, what lap is it? Oh fuck, I’m getting passed, I’ll do this homework tomorrow.” Basically, someone is going to have an aneurysm out there, and Monster already struggles to get shit insured for this race. But that’s cool, can’t put a price on entertainment.
Update: So the quad BROs took the video down. Major bitch move but I’d expect nothing less. Dudes can’t even form an opinion, because they give way too many fucks about what other people think. You have to stick to your guns, like that Indian guy with the “Hitler” store. Say what you want about that Nazi Indian bastard, but he is making you quad BROs look like you will never get the sand out of your mangina.
Well, there you have it. This is quad riders for you. Just leave them to do their thing, and goddamnit they’ll do it. I saw the title of this video and fully expected them to be bashing BRO and I would have understood that. But instead they decide to go for the entire sport of moto. Seriously BROs, why would you do that to yourselves? Let’s show clips of a bunch of riders falling then show some dude trying to whip a quad and that will be a good look for us. Yeah, exactly what I would have expected. Keep doing you, quad riders.
Here’s the best part: I know that most of the quad community is watching this video and thinking “What the fuck,” because they know how terrible this makes them look. Not even talking about the whip clip either. It’s funny because I was thinking this morning that even quad riders know that moto is rad, they just happen to think their sport is rad, too, which it isn’t. Like, I know that most of them hate BRO, but they like moto. But now they have to deal with these vigilante quad fairies that are coming out and attacking all of MX and now everyone is going to hate them. Seriously, I guarantee this video does more for the #nukethequads movement than anything I have ever done. Fire up the presses, I have shirts to sell!
Have you ever seen a more obvious attempt at insurance fraud? Fucking deer could not have been more blunt about it. We get it BRO, you are sick of doing deer things and frolicking in the woods and getting shot by hunters and you just want to sit on the couch and play video games. Sucks to suck. You don’t go throwing yourself in front of KTM joyriders, especially when there is a camera involved. The lawyers will be up your ass before you can say “Deer can’t talk.”
Talking to the KTM BROs now, is this what you guys deal with on the regular? This dude just got up and went about everything like it was a part of his day, not giving a fuck the whole time. When you take a KTM out of its natural element in the woods, does nature literally come hunt you down and hit you in the face like that?
Sucks to suck, BRO. Maybe you should perfect your skills on the bunny slope before you hit the double black diamonds and watch your ride go the way of a female Chinese baby. And do you want to know what gave away for lack of experience? Your reaction. Not boss lifestyles in any way. When you say “Oh no, oh my god no”, you should be saying “Fuck that bike” and pimp walking right back to an ice cold beverage at the truck, as demonstrated by the Fresh Prince:
This crash was shown a bunch in the TV coverage but I think this shot is so great. I actually didn’t even find out what happened to the guy, but really this was kind of hilarious from this angle. There is no other automotive equivalent of getting knocked the fuck out like that. The mistake that this guy made was caring way too much about where he landed. He hesitated so much on the throttle because his crew was all “Make sure you don’t overshoot that bitch because the car will get beat to shit.” His response should have been “Oh, I don’t give a fuck. Sorry I’m not sorry.” Then he’d have been golden.
p.s. I know the blog has been slacking lately, and this week will probably be no different because the BRO crew is roadtripping it to Red Bud. You know, for the kids.
The announcer completely made this video for me. These mountain bike dudes are writing the book on entertaining commentary. And even though the crash is 19 seconds into the video, at least watch 1:50 – “I’m sure his neck is going to feel like it’s on Viagra tomorrow.” Neck boners for days BRO.