Ok, literally just watched this. At the beginning, I was all “The fuck’s a joker lane?” Then RC explained it, satisfaction ensued. To my understanding, you have to use the joker lane at one point in each race, and it is obviously way slower than not using it, especially since it appears to be sandier than Bret Michaels’ vagina. I think the massive oversight with this track feature is the fact that a lot of these guys are dumb as fuck. No joke, that’s the medically correct term for their condition – dumb as fuck. DAF, for those in the know.
Not only are you telling these guys that they have to use this lane once in each race, but you are putting that on them when they have to do 3 fucking main events. Trust me, this would have dude’s in the fetal position in one main, let alone 3. You don’t want to confuse moto BROs. Why do you think the mechanics hold up pit boards listing the sponsors? Because thinking is difficult and makes my head have a tummy ache. If you’ve ever read that section in Transworld where they ask the riders and the models general knowledge questions, then you should understand that many of us struggle with basic math. 9×9? My phone has a calculator chief, that is my answer. With this joker lane, you’ll have guys going “Did I use it this moto yet? Yeah I definitely did. Wait, was that the last lap of the last moto? No. Yes. Wait, what lap is it? Oh fuck, I’m getting passed, I’ll do this homework tomorrow.” Basically, someone is going to have an aneurysm out there, and Monster already struggles to get shit insured for this race. But that’s cool, can’t put a price on entertainment.
Update: So the quad BROs took the video down. Major bitch move but I’d expect nothing less. Dudes can’t even form an opinion, because they give way too many fucks about what other people think. You have to stick to your guns, like that Indian guy with the “Hitler” store. Say what you want about that Nazi Indian bastard, but he is making you quad BROs look like you will never get the sand out of your mangina.
Well, there you have it. This is quad riders for you. Just leave them to do their thing, and goddamnit they’ll do it. I saw the title of this video and fully expected them to be bashing BRO and I would have understood that. But instead they decide to go for the entire sport of moto. Seriously BROs, why would you do that to yourselves? Let’s show clips of a bunch of riders falling then show some dude trying to whip a quad and that will be a good look for us. Yeah, exactly what I would have expected. Keep doing you, quad riders.
Here’s the best part: I know that most of the quad community is watching this video and thinking “What the fuck,” because they know how terrible this makes them look. Not even talking about the whip clip either. It’s funny because I was thinking this morning that even quad riders know that moto is rad, they just happen to think their sport is rad, too, which it isn’t. Like, I know that most of them hate BRO, but they like moto. But now they have to deal with these vigilante quad fairies that are coming out and attacking all of MX and now everyone is going to hate them. Seriously, I guarantee this video does more for the #nukethequads movement than anything I have ever done. Fire up the presses, I have shirts to sell!
Have you ever seen a more obvious attempt at insurance fraud? Fucking deer could not have been more blunt about it. We get it BRO, you are sick of doing deer things and frolicking in the woods and getting shot by hunters and you just want to sit on the couch and play video games. Sucks to suck. You don’t go throwing yourself in front of KTM joyriders, especially when there is a camera involved. The lawyers will be up your ass before you can say “Deer can’t talk.”
Talking to the KTM BROs now, is this what you guys deal with on the regular? This dude just got up and went about everything like it was a part of his day, not giving a fuck the whole time. When you take a KTM out of its natural element in the woods, does nature literally come hunt you down and hit you in the face like that?
Sucks to suck, BRO. Maybe you should perfect your skills on the bunny slope before you hit the double black diamonds and watch your ride go the way of a female Chinese baby. And do you want to know what gave away for lack of experience? Your reaction. Not boss lifestyles in any way. When you say “Oh no, oh my god no”, you should be saying “Fuck that bike” and pimp walking right back to an ice cold beverage at the truck, as demonstrated by the Fresh Prince:
This crash was shown a bunch in the TV coverage but I think this shot is so great. I actually didn’t even find out what happened to the guy, but really this was kind of hilarious from this angle. There is no other automotive equivalent of getting knocked the fuck out like that. The mistake that this guy made was caring way too much about where he landed. He hesitated so much on the throttle because his crew was all “Make sure you don’t overshoot that bitch because the car will get beat to shit.” His response should have been “Oh, I don’t give a fuck. Sorry I’m not sorry.” Then he’d have been golden.
p.s. I know the blog has been slacking lately, and this week will probably be no different because the BRO crew is roadtripping it to Red Bud. You know, for the kids.
The announcer completely made this video for me. These mountain bike dudes are writing the book on entertaining commentary. And even though the crash is 19 seconds into the video, at least watch 1:50 – “I’m sure his neck is going to feel like it’s on Viagra tomorrow.” Neck boners for days BRO.
I know this is actually just a bunch of drunk Josephs rather than a legit party, but again, I had the rant in my head immediately so let’s just move on. The BRO who sent this video in said it had a “Project X” feel about it. Dude, have you ever been to a house party with a bunch of moto BROs? This is like 9:30 pm shit. I mean, if you have ever been to a party where dirt bikes were present and at no point throughout the night did they get fired up, you were at a weak fucking house party. I don’t care where you are in the country, everyone plays it that way. It does not even have to be your bike – you see a CR250, you start it up and push the limit of that rev limiter for a minute or two. That’s the rule. As long as you are not pouring beer in the gas tank, no one can get mad at you. If they do – huge bitch, go make a sandwich.
P.S. The woman complaining about having her kids this weekend is so perfect. Like, that is the only thing getting in the way of her splurging the food stamps on cheap vodka, and she’ll probably still do it anyway. 4 year olds with a blood sugar deficiency mix the best martinis. Neglectful mothers and ’99 CR250s in the house go together like PB&J.
Um, is hell fucking yeah an acceptable response? The instant that I saw that this was a stunt on a film set, I knew we were in for a treat. I have very limited experience with actual movie types, but I have learned that they have no fucking idea what is possible and what isn’t on a motorcycle. That line is so askew for them, it’s ridiculous; take your hand off the bars in a wheelie and you are Jesus, but if you can’t clear a semi truck from a ramp made of a piece of paper and a 2×4, you’re fired. And that’s the thing, these stunt guys are so desperate for work, they pretty much cannot say no. They are just yes men who then actually have to pay for it. The director was all “Listen, we’re going to need you to launch into this huge fucking lake, and you have to go at least 50 feet in the air and you will be smashing through solid boards of Alaskan pine when you hit the ramp. But don’t worry, you’ll be on fire.”
I’m calling it a weekend with this. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone who doesn’t give a fuck like this guy. Just cruising through the Boston suburbs on his black CR250 like a boss, doing burnouts through intersections for the kids, then disappearing into the mist as quickly as he came. Thanks to the BROs for sending this video over.
Not much going on today but another crash video should do the trick. This video reminded me of a rule of thumb that has stood the test of time like the notion that women make good sandwiches: Bicycle helmet on a motorcycle always means get out the camera. Something is going to happen, you know it. “Black kid on a CR85″ Ok, you kind of have my attention. “He’s wearing a 4 year old’s bicycle helmet.” Sold. Get me front row tickets to that show. If there are trees anywhere within the vicinity, the kid is going to find them. Hard.