As some of you know, my bike is cooked and I am indefinitely out of commission. So, I have been playing a lot of golf in my off-time. Not that it really has any significance to this blog, I am just offering it up and you can take it how you want it.
I love what this Fowler kid brings to the table. I already blogged a little somethin-somethin about him being a rider-turned-golfer, but here he is popping up in the news again. He does not give a fuck what golf used to be, he is only seeing what golf is going to be; rocking his tee shirt and backward BRO cap, scaring old people at country clubs all around. My grandparents are those types and while we all love them to death, I know for a fact that they would be throwing up everywhere seeing this kid dropping aces in their backyard. And his reaction to this shot is so perfect – completely cool with a countenance that subtly states “I knew that ball was in before I hit it.” Damn fine shooting, Rickie. Damn fine. You can represent the MX world to the masses anytime, BRO.
P.S. Announcer was the icing on the cake in this video. I will be grabbing a sound byte of that, no doubt. “That looks like money.” Totally, BRO.
Nothing especially special about this, just some motocross in Kenya. When are they going to field a des Nations team? These guys are tearing Africa a new one, by the looks of it. I feel like such an ignorant American watching videos like this. In my mind, motocross does not exist outside of north North America (i.e. everything but Mexico) and Europe. My immediate reaction was “Whoa, they can afford bikes in Kenya?” Some of them are even on 2011s. What the hell is going on here? I figured I would be seeing some Blood Diamond shit happening in the background, helicopters shooting missiles over head, you know, that whole chestnut. I know that all that civil war business is in Sierra Leone, but Africa is like the size of the Mall of America but not as well lit(not a racist joke, I’m just typing, words came out). Nope, just a regular race. Nice bikes, nice weather, and solid reporting by name-I-cannot-pronounce guy.
Yes! Another Alessi post. I really feel like it has been a while. I feel like BROtocross has been a touch out of the comfort zone, but now we are right back into it; the bread and butter of BRO. Mike Alessi jumped the gate at High Point. If you recall, he’s been accused of pulling stunts like this since the amateur days. The question is do we really believe he is intentionally cheating? For what it’s worth, I am going to go ahead and say no. First of all, every racer knows that jumping the gate is a pretty major gamble; essentially, you have to time it as perfectly as getting a legitimately perfect start, so by that logic there is nothing to gain from the cheat. Second of all, this is just textbook Alessi for me. The type of guy to get all loose cannon with the clutch on the start is the type of guy who would pull out in the first lap of practice guns a blazing as if that was the only time he would know the sweet taste of being the first rider across the line. Oh, tough hit, BRO. How much do you want to bet that this is something that affects him throughout his daily life. If I actually believed that he had sex with his girlfriend, I would make a joke about his incompetence in doing so here. But I don’t. That 45 seconds of ecstasy is definitely not worth those depleted testosterone levels, right BRO?
I think everyone also needs to cool it with the “Navy Seal” talk about Alessi. The resemblance is kind of cancelled out when your composure on the motorcycle is like that of a frightened field mouse. Now you are just insulting America with the nickname, and I don’t take kindly to those types. Watching Mike ride is a whole new type of painful. I do not give a fuck if he is built, he looks like he weighs about 140 soaking wet when he’s on the bike. His elbows look like they are being propped up by a couple of those elbow casts that doctors decided to make to fuck with arm-injury victims; you know, the type that when they show it to you, you honestly consider just dealing with a broken fucking arm for a few months just to avoid. BROken arm style for days, Mike.
As you can probably tell it was a slow week for me as far as BROtocross goes. Today, I absolutely couldn’t think of anything to talk about. Sure, Pourcel is officially out for High Point, but as usual I was way ahead of the ball and called that about three days before tomorrow. I decided to Zuckerberg it and throw a line into the social networks and see what came up. It wound up that no one gave me anything solid, though I hear it’s the thought that counts so you guys are just the best. But I gave myself my own idea when I mentioned starting “BROllerblading” because motocross is too boring. Yes, rollerblading. The quads of the skate world. In my intimate state of boredom I hit the YouTube in search of something in the form of BROllerblading. Though the title of this video was exceptionally deceiving, I definitely think it fits the mold. Fuck rollerskates, fuck rollerblades, fuck quads, and fuck terrorism. By the way, we are officially consolidating quads into the “Fruitbooter” category. Congrats, fruitbooters.
P.S. In my search, I decided to try to find a video that actually combined quads and rollerblades for the ultimate annex of gay, and I came up with this. Not a good video, but you have to listen to the rollerblade kid talking. Until the cam turned to him, I was absolutely sure it was Ken Roczen. I mean, I’m totally down with Ken-doll, but it 100% sounds like him. Pumpkin quad too, right?
I spotted this on Transworld Business, and I’m currently searching high and low for the part where they credit me on that. In all seriousness, I called this. I said it before that Fox and the other core MX brands need to cool it with the clutterrific designs and just go with the deceptively simple approach. “Sublimated prints in unexpected places”? Get out of my head, Transworld. I’ve been pushing that bandwagon since they put wheels on it. And the collab gear? Um, hi, who has been pushing the collab designs like they are going out of style? Wait, that simile didn’t really work to benefit my argument. Fuck it, I’m on a roll here. Yeah, I am the guy who got on the Skullcandy train when they made the Answer collab gear (which is sick by the way, have I mentioned that?) and same with the A-Stars/Y&R collab (wasn’t MX gear, but wait a few months and then you can praise BROstradamus). What I am getting at here is that BROtocross sets the trends in motocross, and don’t expect that to change. #mogulstatus
If you’ve been keeping an eye on the motonet, you may have come across this rumor that Pourcel has quit the MotoConcepts team for a GP ride with CLS Kawasaki, which is Pro Circuit’s effort in Europe. The word is spreading, and now MXLarge.com is reporting that the deal is a wrap and Mitch has CP back from the foreign lands that were equipped with FMF exhausts. So now I am going to talk about it. It’s never really been especially important to me that a rumor be confirmed before I blog it, the timing just happened to work out for me here. Am I especially surprised by this almost-news? Does the Pope not shit in the woods and not molest collies? See what I did there, something of a double negative. So no, I am not surprised. Everyone says the Yamahas suck at the pro level. Nothing against the MCY BROs, they are just playing a losing hand, not their fault. Tough hit, for sure. Their first big timer and he’s gone in two races. It’s got to be a real kick in the nuts when you lose a rider because of the equipment that the factory provides your team. Like, they were probably so psyched when Yamaha stepped up the support for them, and then their jubilation melted into the forced facade of excitement; not unlike unwrapping a large present on Christmas only to find a significantly smaller box inside. You know what, Dad? Fuck you! Of course if this all turns out to be false, then everyone can just relax and do the happy dance, all right?
So Metzger went down like a motherfucker at a show in Europe. Guy was riding in a t-shirt and jeans because his shit didn’t arrive. No surprise there. It was in Bratislava. Is it even possible to get to that city without traveling by mule? As is the case with most Americans, my sole impression of the capital of Slovakia comes from the movie Eurotrip, so all I’m wondering is how they could possibly afford to have an FMX show there. Were those ramps crafted by sadness bonded by tears? Metzger must have been riding for three nickels, a sandwich, and a shoelace. Probably living large on that exchange rate, though.
P.S. Call it kicking a man when he’s down, but Metzger’s no visor thing was never cool. Ever. It didn’t help you with backflips, BRO. It just didn’t.
So as you can see, Pastrana proposed to his woman, Lyn-z Adams Hawkins, at Nitro Circus in Las Vegas. This of course puts to bed most of the gay rumors that have been floating around Travis for quite a while. They’ve pretty much been silenced in the past few years since he hit super stardom, but I remember back in like ’02 or ’03 hearing people say that or reading about it and wanting to murder someone. That was back when Pastrana was a fucking god to me, and I would literally have followed him into battle, Braveheart-style. But, I had no serious defense in my argument for him. Not that I normally would; I don’t usually get to see MX riders fucking their girlfriends. But Travis was so happy-go-lucky that you couldn’t help but wonder. Not that it would matter now, I would still think he’s the man. But back then I was around 14 or 15, so the gay-stigma was right in line with leprosy; straight untouchable.
As far as the proposal goes, Travis once again using that trademark meticulous thought-process of his. If you have the opportunity, always propose to your woman in front of a huge crowd; the bigger, the better. Because no one wants to see a “no” happen, for the most part, and she knows that. Obviously she isn’t going to say no, there’s 50,000 people there that will boo the fuck out of her if she did. Good man, TP. He always has been a solid thinker.
Somebody sent me this video the other day, then I saw it on another blog, so I think it’s BRO worthy. You know, on an off-weekend, everyone is just kind of vibing the calm, getting ready for High Point. There’s not a lot to discuss MX-wise, so we all could use a little laugh at the rice rocket jockeys. I love videos like this; quick build-up, explosive punch-line, European chick rambling off jibberish to close it out. Wrap all of that up in nine seconds and you have a winning formula. What the hell would this have looked like if it was successful? It would have been pretty gay, no way around it. The dude is lucky it came out like this.