From Yahoo – Peter Sagan may have finished second in the Tour of Flanders in Belgium on Sunday, but he definitely took first when it came to “jokes” that backfired in a big way. Sagan, a 23-year-old cyclist from Belgium, is attracting plenty of criticism from the cycling world and beyond after he pinched the backside of a podium girl during the medal ceremony. The mischievous grin on Sagan’s face suggests he was hamming it up for the cameras that were trained on him, but he quickly learned the error of his ways once the photo made its way around the Internet. Full article here.
This is a sad day, not only for the world of cycling, but for the world in general. Gone are the Mad Men days, when men who had established their distinct dominant male attributes were granted not the privilege but the right to a firm hand right on the ass. It was not a matter of harassment (which coincidentally has the word “ass” in it, how’s that for a conspiracy?), rather a recognition of the biggest boss in the room. The accountants can sit idly by with their calculators and download a YouPorn video or something, because this is savage territory. Today, society has gone soft, and with it, the American Dream. But hey, it’s not like the ’50s were a time when the U.S. decisively won wars, had a shitload of money, and everyone got laid…
Look at this guy: That is the face of NFG – a man who knows what is right and refuses to allow the confines of societal philistinism to keep him from claiming what is rightfully his. This guy, while Slovakian, is doing this for America. He may not speak a lick of English and probably burns the stars and stripes on an average Tuesday afternoon, but he is a true American patriot. This is the call for all champions of sport, industry, and even art to stand up and make what is right right: Grab some asses #SaveSagan.
BRO will be more off line than usual for the rest of the week. Danny Stu and I are making the road trip from Mass to SoCal. The timing is going to be perfect because we should be in the dead center of the country for Apocalypse Day, so we should have a dynamite view of that meteor coming to roast our shit. I would not be upset about that in the least, because that would dramatically shorten the 50 hour fucking drive to get to Cali. Beats my previous road trip record by about 100%, and even the 25 hour drive was all but unbearable. Why not fly, you ask? Because every time I have been to California, I have not had a bike to ride, and it has sucked. Epically sucked. Liberace and Elton John date night sucked. I am not making that mistake again. The BRO 450 is coming with. Whips shall be in order. If I don’t kill myself on this drive, you BROs can catch me at Elsinore. I’ll be the guy who rules. Follow #RoadToBROCal on Insta to see the chronicles of our journey, and if anyone along the way has a free party spot, Danny Stu will do unspeakable things for a cold one, so hit him up for a freebie.
Take that, Renthal and Pro-Taper. You just got absolutely smoked in the handlebar game. That’s your bread and butter, and you basically just lost 90% market share to Munkey Barz. If we look at the handlebar market as a whole, it’s no contest. How are we just now hearing about a product like this? Best money making opportunity I have seen since marketing kitchen appliances to women. I mean, good bye arm pump, that is a thing of the past. Your grand kids will be ripping 30+2s all day long, and when you tell them about arm pump, they’ll be all “Sorry grandpa, can’t hear you, I’m currently fucking this chick with these dope handlebars.” It’s taking sport fucking to a whole new level. We made it to the future, everyone.
I think the real question is when does one of the TFs take delivery of about a thousand of these things. Because you know those training facilities, they try to take anything and everything that used to be fun and make it a training exercise. And we of course know that there is a stable of desperate pirate hookers at each of them looking to baby daddy the fuck out of the next factory ripper. So why fight it? Might as well get these dudes running form drills while drilling said pirate hooker. It’s just the logical move. I mean, these are not the times to be taking faux moral high ground; if it gets results, you need it. And nightly Munkey Bar training will produce champions the way Mitch Payton dreams he could.
This photo was submitted by one of the BROs with the subject “This is why you don’t hire locals to pit for you during the Baja 1000″, but I really could not disagree more. Say what you want about Mexicans, but they go for it. I mean, give these guys like a day to get acclimated and I guarantee they are running the pit like it’s a Taco Bell. Day 1, sure, there are going to be some hiccups. No one can be perfect right out of the gate (especially black shirt on the left who is presumably attempting to smother the flames in gasoline). It’s all about harnessing that Mexican potential. It’s also worth learning a little bit of the Mexican dialect, because I’m pretty sure the words for “Fuel the bike” and “Douse me in lighter fluid” are dangerously similar. Remember BROs, you’re responsible for your own pit crew. I think Mexicans are loaded with potential, they just happen to live in a place where the drug and human trafficking and nap-time industries are the real fast tracks to success. Sorry I’m not sorry. I love to racism.
If you look closely, you can see how terrified Blake is to even be holding it
From Transworld Biz – The Federal Drug Administration (FDA) has released incident reports linking the consumption of Monster Energydrinks to the deaths of five people over the past three years. The reports have been made public, and the subject of much debate, after they were obtained by Wendy Crossland, mother of the late fourteen-year-old Anais Fournier who died last year from heart arrhythmia after drinking Monster over two consecutive days, according to a report by The New York Times.
This story is actually breaking news because it went public a couple of weeks ago and it’s since been gaining some ground. I didn’t blog anything before because I knew it was all bullshit, but now I’m starting to see a pattern here. This all started coming out like a week after Red Bull Stratos, and at some point, we have to get on the Illuminati mentality and stop writing it off as coincidence. I mean, we cannot rule out the idea that this is all a big publicity stunt by Monster. And it seriously might be one of the best marketing techniques to come out of the energy drink era (the BRO era, if you will). Like, hey Red Bull, you got a guy to jump out of a balloon in space; that’s cute. Our drink kills people. That’s fucking extreme. Go play with your balloons at the kiddie table.
On the real, how many people are going to go buy a can of Monster just wondering if there might be a chance that they die? I’m not even saying that they want to die; we just need to reiterate the fact that normal people’s lives suck. They buy energy drinks as an adrenaline rush, that’s how terrible it is for them. And I am 100% serious when I say that there is a significant contingent of suburban America that will actually try one drink over another purely off the knowledge that it might have killed people. Same reason that everyone was on the bath salts kick after face eater made the big time. That shit was so mainstream it practically had a celebrity endorser. Completely genius, Mad Men type shit going on over there.
I’m seriously wondering right now. Way too many people are sending this over for a Rate That Scrub. Have you ever actually seen a photo of somebody riding a bike? Or a photo of any action shot whatsoever? I mean seriously, what kind of a beautiful mind do you have to be to realize that this isn’t actually a scrub? Just a BRO laying his bike down for the camera. Nothing wrong with it, I like to pretend things too, but it’s not really a scrub. The fucking tire is not even moving, kids. Come on, internet. You’re better than that. Ok, no you’re not, but still.
Ok, literally just watched this. At the beginning, I was all “The fuck’s a joker lane?” Then RC explained it, satisfaction ensued. To my understanding, you have to use the joker lane at one point in each race, and it is obviously way slower than not using it, especially since it appears to be sandier than Bret Michaels’ vagina. I think the massive oversight with this track feature is the fact that a lot of these guys are dumb as fuck. No joke, that’s the medically correct term for their condition – dumb as fuck. DAF, for those in the know.
Not only are you telling these guys that they have to use this lane once in each race, but you are putting that on them when they have to do 3 fucking main events. Trust me, this would have dude’s in the fetal position in one main, let alone 3. You don’t want to confuse moto BROs. Why do you think the mechanics hold up pit boards listing the sponsors? Because thinking is difficult and makes my head have a tummy ache. If you’ve ever read that section in Transworld where they ask the riders and the models general knowledge questions, then you should understand that many of us struggle with basic math. 9×9? My phone has a calculator chief, that is my answer. With this joker lane, you’ll have guys going “Did I use it this moto yet? Yeah I definitely did. Wait, was that the last lap of the last moto? No. Yes. Wait, what lap is it? Oh fuck, I’m getting passed, I’ll do this homework tomorrow.” Basically, someone is going to have an aneurysm out there, and Monster already struggles to get shit insured for this race. But that’s cool, can’t put a price on entertainment.
Goddamn if KTM isn’t ahead of the game on this one. We have already gone over all the broad points of why moto BROs will inevitably survive a zombie apocalypse, and KTM wasted no time in getting in on that market. I mean really, look at that photo. Brand placement all the way. Bright orange in your face, implanting the idea in your boob and vag infested subconscious that when the shit hits the fan and the bath salts got motherfuckers charging at you for a quick bite, you get on a KTM and tear ass out of there like the WOW Boyz. I mean, the bikes basically market themselves in a post-apocalyptic zombie world; electric start will get you going while the assholes kicking their Jap bikes are left to get their faces ripped off. Remember, it’s not about being faster than the zombie, it’s about being faster than the other guy. And in a pinch, the bike becomes a taser real quick. Everyone knows zombies hate electricity, that’s like Zombie 101. That’s why you never see them chasing KTM BROs; just doesn’t happen.
From Autoblog - Although the vehicle sliding through the image above looks something like a cartoonified World Rally Championship Ford Focus, it is actually an ATV – the Yamaha YZF 450 Raptor, at right – turned into a miniature rally car. The transformation comes courtesy of Formula Cross, a company that wants to create an entry series into motorsports or weekend-warrioring that’s more open, and kinder on the body, than karting. From what we can tell, the brains behind the machine is none other than RMR.
I fancy myself to be a bit of an idea man. I think I am able to find opportunities and foster ways to benefit from those opportunities, because I am awesome and if anyone should benefit from any opportunity granted to them, it’s me. Having said all that, I cannot believe that I was not in on this idea from the ground floor. Seriously next level shit. This is the iPod of motorsport ideas. Just look at that video – that guy actually looks like he’s having fun, and there is technically a quad involved. Amazing, I never thought I’d see the day. Like, quad riders don’t even have to kill themselves anymore, they can just get this and lead a fairly normal existence. And like every great idea, it seems so obvious in hindsight. Here’s a quad, it sucks. Here’s a rally car, it’s awesome. Quads have 4 wheels, rally cars have 4 wheels. All you need is a steering wheel and a body kit and you have yourself a mini rally car. Got me smacking my forehead in disgrace for not thinking of it.
I promised myself that I was done doing radio shows over the phone, but I got bored yesterday and decided it would be okay to lend some wisdom to Matthes over at Pulp. So give it a listen if you have several hours to kill, or try and find my part in there, because I sure as shit am not going to give that effort.