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Original posts and content by Eazy, the best of the best in MX satire

My Fake Interview w/ Gangster James Stewart

Posted on May 13, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Since most interviews suck, I decided to take matters into my own hands, by literally making the whole thing up. This is not really to make fun of anyone, it’s just to amuse people.
What is the major difference between James Stewart and his competitors? That’s right, he rides a Suzuki. But he’s also black. I would never consider myself a racist, but I am an asshole who likes to take certain aspects of a rider’s persona and exploit them for my own amusement. James may be black, but he’s pretty white for a black guy. Sometimes you have to wonder what it would be like if James Africa’d out his life a little bit. This is my (entirely fake) interview with James Stewart if he was a thug-ass gangster:

BRO: James, thanks for taking the time and sitting down with me today

Gangster James: [talking on the phone] Yeah, I’ll meet you on Crenshaw. Hang on, this mark ass cracka is all mean muggin’ me and shit. Yeah son, he about to get clapped up real quick [hangs up phone] Yeah it was a tragedy. Wait what was the question again?

BRO: I haven’t asked you one, James

James: James is my slave name. The hood named me J-Mac.

BRO: Fair enough. J-Mac, what are your expectations coming into Hangtown?

James: Y’all mahfuckas ain’t even know. I’m about that track, and ain’t nobody on my level. I go toe-to-toe with anybody up in that bitch. Fool’s playin’ with some whack KTM and Kawasaki bullshit ’bout to get checked.

BRO: How do you feel on the bike as far as the set-up?

James: Did you not just hear me, Ben Affleck? I’m finna fuck some shit up. You wanna know how we test? I shoot a ni99@ in the face in front of the po-lice. If I get away, the bike is dialed. You see chains? You see a jump suit? I ain’t in Chino. I keeps it one hunnid, naw’m’sayin?

BRO: Your problem for the past few years has been staying off the ground. What are you doing to make sure you finish all 24 motos this year?

James: Listen, I’m hard as fuck. I break more bones in my pimp hand than anything. Bitches gettin’ outta line and shit.

BRO: That could be construed as sexist, J-Mac.

James: You talkin’, bitch? I’ma slap the taste out ya mouf you do that again.

BRO: Message received. So I assume you are not much a fan of WMA then?

James: Fuck is that? Like MDMA? I luh dat shit, always on the thizz game, naw’m’sayin?

BRO: No, WMA – the women’s motocross association. It might be WMX now but who really keeps track?

James: Bitches ain’t shit. Any ho step to me and it’s a hard trip to the ground comin’ right up, naw’m’sayin?

BRO: 10-4. So the class is pretty stacked this year. Who is your biggest competition?

James: Ni99@ I invented the competition. Only mothafucka who can step to me is god, and if he values his cheekbones, I suggest he not. But Villopoto and Dungey, to answer your actual question, sir.

BRO: How is the team around you?

James: All you need to know is I ain’t on a shit-ass bike with a bunch of triflin’ mothafuckas. I’m goin’ hard in the paint.

BRO: I don’t know what that means. So you’re expecting a win?

James: All I do is win and drop heat rocks. My debut album, Scrubbin’ Ain’t Easy, droppin’ in the coming months. One love, bitches.

BRO: Thanks James. And to leave the readers with your everlasting words: One love, bitches.

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Seattle For Assholes: 250 Breakdown

Posted on April 25, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Pre-race: It’s hard to bet against Roczen in this moto. He comes from Germany, where the tracks either suck (about 95%) or have perfect dirt. Kid is a machine in this stuff.

Holeshot: Tomac. I’m changing my bet.

Lap 2: Roczen is up to 3^rd behind Christian Craig, who is looking to prove that he is more than the TLD dude that instagrams a lot of stuff with his chick. He’s ripping right now.

Lap 3: Roczen moved into 2^nd and now Sipes is around Craig, too. Sipes also still exists, for your information.

Lap 4: Malcolm had just moved into 7^th past Cunningham, but he needed to exfoliate and you cannot put a price on good mud.

Lap 5: Osborne battling with Sipes for 3^rd, somehow manages to hit a double from so far inside he was basically on top of the tuff blocks.

Lap 6: Osborne into 3^rd, squares up Sipes then shuts him down in the whoops. He’s about that box.

Lap 10: Tomac ovah the bahhhs! #BostonStrong

Lap 10 (cont’d): Ralph just called the back of the bike “the tail section”, like it’s a fucking Boeing. Oh Sheheen, you slay me.

Lap 11: Speaking of the tail section, Tomac’s looks like it thinks it’s better than everyone else. Hey, you think you’re better’n me? You ain’t better’n me. Roczen is now leading, by the way.

Lap 13: Dynamite battle for 5^th happening with Sipes, Rattray, and Davalos. Running train on those ruts.

Lap 14: Politelli getting in the mix now for the battle for 5^th and Davalos got distracted by something shiny. He hit the ground.

Lap 15: Did I not call Roczen for the win? Granted I wrote this 4 days after the race but you know what, kids? Santa doesn’t exist. So enjoy that knowledge.

Finish: Roczen takes it. The ‘ship is now his to lose.

Featured 2013, 250 breakdown, seattle, supercross, supercross for assholes

Seattle For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on April 25, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Before we get started, you all have undoubtedly noticed that this blog has been on hiatus for a while. I stopped because I got bored of it, simple as that. People came calling, and I realized that this is more important than me. The citizens need the Breakdowns. Because on the inside, we are all assholes (scientifically true, to a degree).

Pre-race: It’s raining. No surprise, Seattle is where Jesus goes to cry. Also, the Fox riders are running #Boston butt patches. Cool as fuck, and a phenomenal way to get chicks to try to click your ass.

Holeshot: Barcia gets it and (spoiler alert) that’s the ballgame. Villopoto got pinballed all over the place but Reed was the one who took the nut-kicking of fate in that fiasco.

Lap 2: Dungey’s number plate got into the mini bar at the hotel by the looks of things. He is actually picking his way through the pack, which he normally struggles to do.

Lap 3: Villopoto around Alessi. The crowd goes a little wild, but not as much as Minni for The Dunge. Can’t blame them, you wouldn’t cheer as loud if your child was a ginger.

Lap 4: It’s lap 4/20 on 4/20. The stands have emptied as everyone rushes to the pizza guy.

Lap 5: Villopoto is struggling with the ruts, but so is everyone else so it’s all good. Fish tail steeze for days.

Lap 8: Villopoto is right there, but Barcia’s brain is good at ignoring riders around him and telling insecurity to fuck off.

Lap 10: Considering the ruts on this track, giving a fuck is not a winning strategy. Wide open coming out of the turns and tracking a rut the whole way. NFG.

Lap 12: Vince has his hands full with Weimer, Brayton, Short, and Tickle on the move. Weimer actually came way through the pack in this race but no one has said anything about it.

Lap 14: This is not the race to fuck up your seatbounces. Shorty demonstrates (he saved it, cool your jets).

Lap 16: Barcia and Villopoto are dialed, they’ve lapped into the top 10.

Lap 17: Millsaps discovering the relentless hazards that are lappers stalling in your rut. No worries for him though since he rides a bike like it’s a tricycle that owes him money.

Lap 19: Weimer just moved into 5^th. He started somewhere like 13^th. Anytime you pass more riders than the number that beat you, you had a good race. Take that to the bank.

Lap 20: I’d say this is Barcia’s to lose, but anyone who has had a race locked up on a rutty track and fallen on the last fucking lap knows not to count those chickens.

Finish: Oh just kidding, Barcia wins it.

Featured 2013, 450 breakdown, seattle, supercross, supercross for assholes

Caption Contest: Novice Joe Hates His Life

Posted on April 19, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

This guy either had money on this race, or his chick told him that if he won then he could have a three-way with her and her friend with the big titties, just like Ja Rule’s bitch in The Fast and The Furious. Now he’ll return to the pits, and his woman will be all “What’s yo problem, ni99a? You didn’t win,” then all his boys will hoot and holler at his lack of manly ability. Regardless, we can all relate to this dude right here, where for a few seconds, you just sit there and think “Why in the name of fuck did I not just start doing heroin like a normal person with an addictive personality?” I feel your pain, BRO. Now excuse me while I laugh at your misfortune.

Thanks to Casey for the photo, who I believe is actually the guy in the photo. Remember, you’re only a loser if you don’t try. Or if you don’t win. Walk it off, champ.

Featured, Reader Submissions

Trailer – The Runaways: Not Another Race Documentary

Posted on April 9, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

I normally hate posting content from media sites, but this series has BRO written all over it. I have been hearing about this concept for the past 3 months, and it is now coming together. I have never shut up about fun being the core aspect of moto, and nothing else. I want to Helen Keller myself every time I see those Yamaha “Y do I ride?” commercials. Really, is it a hard question? You ride because it’s fun, and if you don’t, then good god just slip into depression now and find the sleeping pills and save all of us a lot of time. Anyway, The Runaways is all about having fun on a dirtbike, sleeping on dirty mattresses, and telling anyone who is not about that to fuck off. BRO will be bringing you all the episodes, as well as Vurb, obviously. It is going to be a wild summer.

Follow these assholes: @DaltonBailey181 and @dhoppanonmous

Featured, Moto Videos dalton bailey, motocross, the runaways, video, vurb, webisode

Rate That Scrub: Bung Life

Posted on April 1, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Rider: Tyler Livesay

Location: Cycle Ranch

After a long hiatus, RTS is back at it. Today, we have a regular member of the RTS Army, Tyler Livesay, doing unspeakable things as he gives all the two stroke nazis boners with his fantastical motorcycle abilities. I’ve been sitting on this one for a little while but today is the day to debut it to the BRO world. The scrub is the red headed step child of the whip, and it is nice when the relationship is distinctly noticeable. You cannot knock the classics, and this is some Jimi Hendrix type shit right here; not a whole lot to it besides throwing the bike down and the requisite panic rev that follows. Studies have shown that panic revs are actually directly correlated to a bodily release of fucks given on the track.

P.S. If you don’t understand all the “bung” references, you need to turn the volume up.

BUUUUUUNNNGGGG

Final rating: 2/2. Every chick in the game would bang that scrub.

Featured ktm, motocross, Rate that scrub, scrub, two stroke, tyler livesay, video, whip

Video Breakdown: KTM Hero Sends It Over The Berm And Into The Highway

Posted on March 25, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

A lot of people send in crash videos every day, and usually it is just them swapping out and hitting their ugly face on the ground or something even less awe inspiring. Look at this video; let this be a benchmark for all crash videos submitted from here on out. If you didn’t whiskey throttle it over a berm and practically set off alarms in Hiroshima when you almost landed in the goddamn highway, do not send it in. This is how the pros do it, and this is now how the BROs do it.
I had little faith in this video after the first 5 seconds. But judging from the length of the video and the berm the guy is approaching, things may take a drastic turn to hilarious town quite soon…

The Jack Daniels wheelie into the berm is a good sign.

Cheater line, much? Regardless, Snapchat that photo, BRO.

This guy literally crashed all the way to the bank. Hashtag got ‘em.

In an incredible plot twist, it turns out that was Arnold Schwarzenegger the whole time. No wonder he launched the berm. Arnold is always getting into crazy shit like that.

Featured, Moto Videos crash, gopro, ktm, motocross, video, video breakdown

Atlanta For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on February 27, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Pre-race: The last time Stewart led a race was the last time he won. Mull that over.

Holeshot: James. 3rd in, 1st out. All that matters.

Lap 1: Stew 1, Villopoto 2. No one else is even in this race, right?

Lap 2: Stewart’s line in the rhythm is a straight pin-and-pray, but *spoiler alert* he and basically everyone but Villopoto hit it every lap.

Lap 2 (cont’d): Villojoseph gets out of shape in the triple-triple section before the whoops. As Ralph put it, he “showed a little bit of a wiggle.” Whatever, BRO.

Lap 4: RC saying Stewart is on his way to his 45th win. On lap 4. Since James actually did end up winning, this was the equivalent of betting a grand on a half court shot and sinking it. While blindfolded. And drunk. And being shot by a machine gun.

Lap 5: Fro discussing the utility of one footers in SX, but failing to mention “for the kids”. Big miss, chief.

Lap 9: James crossruts the step over after the rhythm almost every lap. But he has factory suspension so he’s all “Eat my ass, lines.” Like a boss.

Lap 10: Ralph mistaking Alessi for Millsaps. BRO, you speak for a living. Stop sucking at it.

Lap 11: Tomac cruising through the pack. Took him forever to get past Alessi (color me shocked) but he’s around Weimer no problem.

Lap 12: Reed jumping through the whoops. Only cool guys jump through the whoops.

Lap 14: Reed into 9th. He’s not even riding poorly. Getting a bad start in this class is like being the designated driver at a blacklight party – it just ruins the whole experience.

Lap 16: Are we really looking at a battle for 13th when Stew and Poto are 1-2 on lap 16?

Lap 17: Despite this hilariously timed boner photo, Millsaps is actually right there. Only 2 seconds off of Villopoto.

Lap 18: Villopoto closing on Stewart. They’re talking fitness but seriously BRO, we’re on lap 18 and James hasn’t crashed or fucked up at all yet. He’s nursing this one home.

Lap 19: Stew’s mechanic held up the pitboard with “2 laps to go” at the end of this lap, so that white flag might as well have been 50 Christmases in one.

Lap 20: James doubling through the rhythm. RV is closing but one more lap? James is prepared to road block the shit out of this one.

Finish: Stewart. I called it. Just didn’t tell anyone.

Featured 450 breakdown, atlanta, chad reed, davi millsaps, James Stewart, ryan villopoto, supercross, supercross for assholes

5 Sexual Positions Optimized For Moto Training

Posted on February 26, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Let’s be real for a second: Carmichael ruined the sport. He took everything to a level of black and white. – either you’re training, or you’re not. And if you’re not, Carmichael would be. He would be doing it in a sweat room with Chinese monks whipping him in the face and his mom yelling at him for getting a bad report card, just for the motivation. Where riders used to be able to enjoy a cool beer or twelve the night before a race, now they are relegated to the gym day in and day out just to keep up. Of course, BRO is here to shed some insight on how you can keep yourself in peak performance shape, and that includes getting your rocks off. I mean, you’re not going to not have sex with the legions of willing track snacks, unless you have the gay. So here it is, the top 5 sexual positions that will put you up front at the tail end of a 30+2.

Wheelbarrow Style

No brainer here. Everyone knows that moto is legs and core six ways to the weekend. When the cross flags come out and the rollers are chopped to shit, you are going to be glad that you put in the man hours when it comes time to charge that second half. All the joes just kicking back on the bottom are swapping all over the place and losing lap times like it’s nobody’s business, belie’ dat.

The Brian or Standing Doggie

As long as you have got the stamina, this is straight cardio that no trainer could offer you. Sweat may start pouring but a MaxiPad across the goggles will do the trick. Play with the tempo, too. This is all about intervals, and you need to keep the body guessing. The second you get into a routine, you are losing momentum. Remember it is all about charging to the checkered flag, which in this scenario would be homegirl yelling the safe word (“Albuquerque”) or slamming her head off the wall and going all limp fish on you (for a really great cardio workout, keep going after that point while holding her up). Legal disclaimer – don’t do that.

The Night At The Roxbury

I mean, you want a full body workout, look no further. A week of this and you will be waving to Dungey as you steal his job and his chick because this might as well be a banned substance. That’s how gnarly it is. This is a double black diamond, so you had better be in the white background club before you hop on to this pony. It’s important to know your limits; you are not going to go send Larocco’s Leap on your first day, so do not make the mistake of thinking this is any different. Remember, you have to hit that shit WIDE OPEN.

The Catholic Church or Twisted Missionary

Don’t ever make the mistake of thinking that it is not important to stretch. Your muscles need that recovery time post moto and they need to be nurtured. Here we have a prime example of a great core stretching position. It is important to note that while your girl may be stretched out and twisted like a pretzel on acid, you are the main focus here. If your back is too stretched out, just toss her legs further toward her eardrums, because you do not want to slip a disc or something. She might tear a few ligaments but hey, sometimes you need a back-up bike.

Reverse Cowgirl

You just trained your ass off, BRO. You earned this one. Kick back and let it all come to you. No pun intended. One love.

Featured bro top 5, motocross, sex

Dallas For Assholes: 450 Breakdown

Posted on February 20, 2013 by Eazy | Permalink

Pre-race: Stew out because his clutch grenaded. Factory as shit.

Holeshot: Millsaps actually gets it, even though he entered the first turn in about mid pack. Snuck it up the inside like a Navy SEAL.

Lap 1: Villopoto straight into the lead, bad news BROs.

Lap 2: Reed is in 2nd but Davi literally skimmed the rhythm before the last triple, so he’s over giving any fucks.

Lap 4: Millsaps back around Reed, hitting the low lines like a boss.

Lap 6: The Dunge all over Reed now, Villopoto is cruising.

Lap 7: Shorty doing it for team Stock Graphics, running in 9th.

Lap 8: Not even trying to be a dick, but I don’t think Fro knows what “ironic” means. Peick and Blose both wearing black like “bad boys” is not ironic. It’s just something that happened.

Lap 11: Barcia and Brayton battling for 5th. Brayton doesn’t really whip, Barcia does all the time. It’s an interesting juxtaposition when they are next to each other.

Lap 11 (cont’d): Barcia just missed the tire tap before the triple and almost pulled a move out of the Larry Loopout playbook.

Lap 13: We’re on Villopoto for a solid 2 laps now, because there’s no racing happening…

Lap 15: The Dunge stuffs Reed for 3rd. NFG moves.

Lap 17: RC schooling Ralph on the pronunciation of “Sycuan”. Sorry BRO but after hearing you butcher the name “Decotis”, that would be grounds for a mouthful of Coors Light to the face.

Lap 19: The Dunge isn’t dun yet. Catching Millsaps for 2nd.