Author Archives: MarcoBROlo

BRO Top 5: Excuses People Give For Quitting Motocross

Posted on July 27, 2012 by MarcoBROlo | Permalink


So while Eazy sits around with his thumb up his ass all summer riding, I’m watching his empire stagnate and collapse under him. Literally the guy thinks 1 blog a week is acceptable for arguably the biggest blog in motocross. Ridiculous. So to keep the juices flowing here’s a BRO Top 5 for all of you who think that your post-moto life is totally working for you.

[ed. note: Really, all of these just boil down to one thing: you fucked up and let your NFG lifestyle get away from you. The way I see it, you are basically dead. - Eazy]

 1. “It’s too expensive”

This might be the only legit reason I’m about to name. Maybe, just maybe, if every local track didn’t get shut down I wouldn’t have to drive 2-3 hours just to get somewhere to shred. What the fuck, Obama? I’m trying to put some work in on the track today and gas prices just raped me. Anally. Instead I’m just going to invite over 5 of the BROs with the loudest 450’s you’ve ever heard and rip the local sand pits and hopefully get arrested. Like a boss.

 2. “I broke too many bones”

Okay, we’ve all been there. Shattered femur, collar bones in 3 pieces, blah blah blah. We get it tough guy, you’re scarred for life and the whole nine. All I have to say to you is this: Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever.

[ed. note: He definitely just ended that with "Glory lasts forever". BRO as fuck. - Eazy]

 3. “I’m taking a break to finish college”

Hey shithead, you only go to school on the weekdays. If you elected to take a Saturday class you’re an overachieving douchebag and making the rest of us look like assholes. Stop it. News flash – after college you get a Monday through Friday 9-5 job that you hate and actually have to show up to moderately sober. It’s like college with slightly less drinking and more responsibility, then much more drinking later with a sawed off shotgun.

 4. “My bike got stolen”

Sweet BRO. The WOW Boyz needed it more than you did. Get over it and go steal another one. That smug 10 year old down the street hasn’t shut up about his new ride. Kid struts around like his shit don’t stink. Might be a 65, but you don’t give a fuck. Time for a harsh lesson in reality, which is that given the proper amount of elbow grease, literally anything can be applied as a key to a deadbolt. Especially a hammer.

5. “I knocked up some slut”

This might be the worst reason to have to quit racing. Not only do you have to sell everything to pay for some mutant that looks like it just crawled out of the sewer but also you have to deal with the track slut you gave a case of the fetus to every day. Seriously though, I’ve never met a baby that’s not wet with drool, puke, piss, or shit. Needy little fucks. Hey, that dumpster looks about 7 lbs light, better even it out.

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Rating The Racer X Fan Of The Week

Posted on June 6, 2012 by MarcoBROlo | Permalink

Racer X FOTWFile Under: She’s not even getting paid to look like a slut. Listen toots, if you’re going to dress like that, take a lesson from promo sluts, strippers, and hookers; at least get paid for wearing nothing.

Hair: Nothing impressive here (get it….it’s a pun you retards). Exactly what you’d expect from a slut. Little effort cause all the hair is for is pulling when she’s fucking her way to the top on top.

 The Goods: I’m no MD but those perky little fakes are really closing the gap to your chin. Which is good because it makes your giraffe neck look just a bit smaller. Also, do something about your knees. That shit is gross. Spend less time on them. And don’t think I don’t notice those rolls on your side.

 Attire: Or lack there of. Lets just say from firsthand experience this shit is not comfortable (I may or may not have won first prize as Katy Perry on Halloween). Bitch you are literally naked. No joke I can see everything, even your camel toe. That makes me think you’re a slut. Which in turn gives me full right to expect anal 20 minutes after meeting you.

 Misc: The flat brim tells me you’re from somewhere around SoCal which makes me think the sunglasses are probably hiding a sweet black eye. See what happens when you make the wrong sandwich?

 Final Rating: 2/2 ’cause I love sluts. Let’s mix up a batch of rufi-coolatas, I don’t wanna remember this either.

(Editor’s note: I was really looking forward to this week once I saw the photo. If you made it this far, you share in my disappointment. Marco BROlo is on thin ice right now. If you are going to submit your write up late, it better be an inspired piece of literature. – Eazy)

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Rating The Racer X Fan Of The Week

Posted on May 30, 2012 by MarcoBROlo | Permalink

Racer X FOTWFile Under: Who ordered the blonde? A lot of people are probably going to expect me to tear Ms. Average here apart. Well you’re right.

Hair: The classic post sex hair. Messy, scraggly and tied into some weird pony tail/bun combo cause you were running out of the RV before his wife gets back. Fact: Some 20th+ place finisher just banged out this chick. Know how I know that? He didn’t have any VIP passes to give her after.

The Goods: I’ll work with what I’m given here. What you’re giving me is some acne on your chin. Okay maybe I’m being critical. This girl has the big shades but I’ll be the first to say she doesn’t need them. She’s got that authentic southern girl kind of hot. She doesn’t shave her arms because she’s so busy landing stripping the fuck out of that snatch.

Attire: Again, can’t see much here. When you’re a moto hoe you can’t afford the finer things in life. You leave that to the pros to buy you nice shit. Great BJ? You get some fatty ass CZs for your ear pieces. You do anal? Then you get a bracelet. A cheap one, maybe nothing at all actually. All moto sluts do anal.

Misc: This girl gets points either added on or taken away depending where she’s from. I want all of the BROs on the hunt. I need to know where she’s from and I needed to know yesterday. Negative points for being up north cause girls from the north are cunts. Bonus points for being from the south cause those strict southern Christians may not fuck before marriage but we all know anal doesn’t count as sex to them.

Final Rating: 2/2 – I would eat the corn out of her shit

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10 Things You Always Eat At The Racetrack That You’d Never Eat Anywhere Else

Posted on May 18, 2012 by MarcoBROlo | Permalink

Ever been at the track, jonesing for food, and realized that while you made sure to buy 5 sets of goggles, 4 new tires, and an extra bike just for shits, you did not bring anything that is legitimately edible? Of course you have. Every racer has. Preparedness is for nerds. When it comes down to crunch time, moto BROs are resilient. Here’s a breakdown of the top 10 track foods on race day:

1. Hot Pockets: These little death traps give you third degree burns inside your mouth then immediately cool said burns down. No really though, I’ve never eaten a hot pocket that hasn’t been boiling hot on the outside but still frozen like an ice cube in the middle. What does that little sleeve do anyways? Come on Hot Pocket, get your shit together. A nightmare in a croissant. [note from Eazy: Seriously BRO? It's a widely known fact that hot pockets immediately turn from frozen center to lava hot in a matter of 3 seconds. It's just the luck of the draw.]

2. Microwaved Egg: Yeah, momma BROlo used to do this for us cause we were fancy and shit with our RV. Comes out looking like something from the Chernobyl Diaries but god dammit does it taste like some fine mutated egg.

3. 15 PB&J Sandwiches: Okay, dad went on a bit of a gambling spree one weekend and we couldn’t exactly spring for the fancier moto lifestyle. If you haven’t done this, you’re not a true BRO.

4. The same cold cuts for a year: You have to grow up sometime and mom and dad will eventually stop footing the bill for the races (for most of us). So what’s a true BRO to do? Rape Costco. Turkey and cheese is your favorite sandwich, right? Boom, I’ll take 30lbs of each, please. Sandwiches for the entire race season.

5. Lighter fluid-soaked burger: Remember last weekend when dad threw one of those mini propane tanks across the pits because they only last 6 minutes brand new? Yeah, well he decided to go out and get himself a fancy charcoal grill. Only problem is he’s had 10 BL’s before your second moto and he’s getting hungry. When those little bastards aren’t lighting there’s only one solution: Just fire hose some lighter fluid through the grates and let the whole track know you’re the boss of that grill, even if the food tastes like a gas station.

6. Boiled Hot Dog: We’ve all been there. It’s 6:30 and you’re just about to leave the track when your stomach lurches out a big “Fuck you.” So you visit the resident snack shack and the only edibles left are those same hot dogs that have been in the water pot since 9:00 this morning when the motos started. A man’s gotta eat though so you sack up and muscle that sucker down. You pay for it 30 minutes into your drive when you’re painting the porcelain brown at a local truck stop and some long hauler is carving a fresh glory hole for you two to get down.

7. Dirt: Well yeah, you knew that one was coming. Isn’t there some weird dog disease that people get from eating terrafirma, like from the shit that’s in it. Literally, shit.

8. Nothing: Obviously you’re the next Ricky Carmichael. So you decide instead of eating, you’ll save the money and enter two classes, 125 C and Open C. Just muscle through the Ethiopian-style muscle pains.

9. Denny’s/Applebee’s: You decided to round up the BRO’s and treat yourself to a real meal after taking home the bronze in the Open C like a boss but then you realize you’re stuck in some backwater ass town. Shitty food establishments seem to follow the motocross industry. Wherever there’s a track, there is surely a Denny’s or Applebees to follow. Hey, if it’s good enough for Ricky Bobby, it’s good enough for you. If you ain’t first, you’re last.

10. Other people’s food: Quite possibly one of the riskiest moves in all of moto. I sweat more doing this then a final turn last ditch block pass on the kid who takes medication to stay “balanced” and will probably stab me after the race to win my C moto. Ever stop by your buddy’s rig and no one is there? Well fuck if you didn’t just walk a mile and a half to get there you’re not leaving empty handed. So you scout out what he has, take one last look and then make a sandwich faster then Iron Chef and get the fuck out of there. Eat that shit on the walk back even, just in case he sees you, just say some BRO’s moms gave it to you after she blew you.

[Another note from Eazy: I firmly disagree with the last one. I eat other people's food all the time - track, party, hospital - wherever, whenever.]

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Rating The Racer X Fan Of The Week

Posted on May 16, 2012 by MarcoBROlo | Permalink

Racer X Fan Of The WeekFile Under: With excitement like this, who needs enemas?! I feel like Racer X is throwing me material to be vicious with. Time to get out the shredder.

(From left to right)
Hair:
1) I’m not sure where girls got the idea that the Bieber comb over works for them but let me clarify something, it doesn’t. Only the Biebs can pull that shit off.
2) Why does your hairline start so far back? Don’t think for a minute all the coke you rip doesn’t thin out your hair, cause it does.
3) See, 3 knows how to carry herself. Full head of some fake ass blonde hair. Way to slut it up for the crowd. You’re winning this race so far.
4) You’re a perfect offset to 3, her brunette counterpart if you will. Naturalish looking color and some good curls. Bonus points for length, I like to grab a good handful from behind.
**Props to Regal for the Eric Foreman flow. Seriously, kids got potential with that mane.

The Goods:
1) Very nice move hiding behind the skinny blonde because judging from those sweet creases on your arm, it looks like you’re carrying some extra weight. No worries though, hun, just more cushion for the pushin’. I’m okay with a bit of plump.
2) Stick skinny and huge knockers. I totally think they’re real(Read with extreme sarcasm). But hey I always wanted to try to break a girl in half. Maybe I’ll play some xylophone notes on your rib cage while we fuck.
3) Another win for 3. Stick that chest out more so I don’t notice your paler then all of those queer vampires.
4) I want to be turned on by you but you’re not showing me anything. I feel like your hiding a sneaky smokestack body under all those clothes. You get points for my curious boner.

Attire:
1) Hopefully you’re rocking a burlap sack to cover yourself up. Only think you’re missing is the bag over your head.
2) That’s one of those dresses that’s smaller than my iPhone and I like it. It says “Hey, I’m a slut that likes to wear minimal clothing”. Props for showing off as much leg as you can without having your cooter slip out.
3) Mesh shirt with a tank under has always intrigued me. It’s like you want to be slutty and show off what you got, but at the same time you’re covering up. I respect you as a woman because of it. I’m also a compulsive liar so don’t take that last line to heart.
4) Bright colors attract attention and with a nose like that you want all that attention to be on your legs for sure.

Misc:
1) Why is your face square? Is that an optical illusion? I’m not sure.
2) Shouldn’t you be home taking care of your kid or something? Kid’s going to grow up with more issues than old Charlie Manson.
3) What’s with the sandals from the Roman Empire? I never got into this style. You’re out for a night on the town, throw some heels on would ya?
4) Strong jaw on this one. You look like you can take a nice hit. Which is good cause I like my violence like I like my beer. Domestic.
** Note: Come on Kyle. You’re a pro now. This looks like the clean up crew for your local B class. You can do better than that BRO.

Also this may be one of the greatest unintentional photo bombs in the history of pictures. I know it’s a Los Angeles hat but only the “LosA” made it into the picture. For you retards that don’t speak Masshole, it translates into “Loser”.

Final Rating: 1/2 all around. I’d like to remind everyone that I would fuck anything.

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Rating The Racer X Fan Of The Week

Posted on May 1, 2012 by MarcoBROlo | Permalink

Racer X Fan of the week
File Under: Oh, you’re a model? This is the thing about Monster girls, they’re just the hottest girls at the track. Put them next to the likes of my girl Kate Upton and their case of ugly seems much more enflamed.

Hair:
1) What is that rat on your head? Does Monster just throw outfits on any girl? I’m baffled. You’re going to have to put at least a little effort in to give me a boner. Not a lot, just a little.
2) Andddd I have a boner. Well done two. I don’t know if it’s windy but you got your hair flowing and shit like a pro. A pro dick wrecker.

The Goods:
1) Unzip that strappy little number and then we’ll be talking. It should be illegal to keep bombs like yours in like that. Is there a hotline I can call to report abuse? Poor bastards. Just let them out!
2) Two for two for number two. Unzipped top enough to show off some side boob and hike up that skirt like daddy never let you do (or let you do too often, either is fine).

Attire:
1) & 2) I like what Monster is doing here. Strappy dominatrix top and a skirt short enough you could probably see that camel toe peeking out. But lets be real – If you’re going to dress up promo models, put them in next to nothing. That sells cans like a motherfucker and I’m not talking about the girls selling their cans when they go back to the corner where these two will inevitably end up

Misc:
1) Fuck is up with your eyes? Radiant smile but your wonky eye is confusing my boner. Next time save the money on the watch and invest in some big sunglasses.
2) Pronounced nose, big teeth, long flowing mane, solid thighs, eyes so far apart they’re almost on the sides of your head. sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com That’s all I’m going to say.

Final Rating - 1/ 2 for both. Some big sun glasses could really remedy this situation.

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Rating The Racer X Fan Of The Week

Posted on April 24, 2012 by MarcoBROlo | Permalink

Racer X Fan of the weekFile under: GOO! There needs to be a serious reversal on the eyewear. Erin Normoyle and her smokeshow girlfriend need to toss orange hat the brown paper bag (read: big sunglasses).

Hair:
1. Just sexy as fuck. Erin is flawless and she knows it. Anyone know if she likes media moguls? Move over Eazy, this one is mine. [editor's note: Get fucked]
2. Two is rocking some sexy sun-kissed blonde locks and it’s sending me from six to midnight faster than a gate drop. Perfection.
3. Damn lucky we have this as a category, #3, because this is your only redeeming quality except for those melons you’re thrusting into my face. Bleach blonde with that Farrah Fawcett feathered look. That mane would look great clenched in my hand when I do the dirty from behind, pretending all the while that you’re Erin.

The Goods:
1. My girl here is covering up a considerable amount but we all know Erin has a body carved out of pure sex.
2. Girls either have a great rack or a great ass. That’s just a fact of life (Erin aside, she gets both). I see you trying to cover that ass up with the arm and it’s still peeking out. Well done with the sneaky ass cleavage. Also, million dollar smile. It’d look great with millions of my unborn children on it.
3. GET IT OFF ME! Something here is un-proportionate and I can’t put my nose on it…. Seriously though, rhinoplasty isn’t that expensive.

Attire:
1. Scarf, rocking the leather and you know those shades cost more than your car. Erin knows her shit with the style game and she is certainly bringing the A game fire here.
2. Feld has the right idea going here, replace all the officials with smokeshows. Boom. Immediate 300% increase in attendance. Well done big wigs. You win this one.
3. Keep trying to distract me with those tits but if you’re trying to take attention off of your face stay away from orange beanies.

Misc:
1. What else is there to say to my future ex-wife. Call me babe.
2. Riding Erin’s coat tails might be your best career move right now, toots. Keep up with that and you’ll be broadcaster/model status in no time.
3. Throw on some big sun glasses and you could be working with something here. Also, since you won’t be modeling with your friends here why don’t you make me a BLT before I B my L on your T’s.

Final Rating:
1. 3/2 …Am I allowed to do that? Yup!
2. 2/2. Wanna be famous? Sleep with an up and coming blogger; 95% of the time, it works every time. The other 5% is MotoUr(.)(.)s. He’s useless.
3. 1/ 2 because I don’t have to look at your face from behind.

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Rating The Racer X Fan Of The Week

Posted on April 17, 2012 by MarcoBROlo | Permalink

Rating The FOTW pic

Input as well from MotoUr(.)(.)s

File Under: VIP pass huh? You don’t get those for being a virgin. This girl has gnarly
written all over her. And with gnarly comes BROs. Piercings, tattoos and black hair are
the bread and butter of BRO lifestyle.

Hair: This little hose hound has that ‘I don’t give a fuck look’ going on here with the hair. Low maintenance chicks are always down for some afternoon delight and I ain’t mad about it. Is it the light in the picture or is that a little grey going on in there, too? Time for some Just For Women? Do they even make that shit? Good luck.

The Goods: Trying to hide that cleavage with your VIP lanyard huh? I don’t think so. Nothing gets past Marco BROlo and MotoUr(.)(.)s. Excellently stacked up top, very curious to see what she’s working with out back. What’s up with that tattoo on your hand? Is that where my member fits perfectly in? I think so. HJs all day.

Attire: Showing some skin and I like that but that loose fitting tank is completely killing
my boner. You know what else is killing it? The cross on your neck. You better be one
of those girls we all know from Hooker Training Camp aka Catholic schools cause that
shit is fucking up the whole pic. I did notice you throwing some bling down with a watch,
I like the extra effort it screams ‘Notice me please’ really honing in on those daddy
issues.

Misc: Your massive shoulder piece and lip piercing tell me you don’t mind a little
pain…I promise, anal doesn’t hurt nearly as bad as that shoulder piece. Hold on I think
there’s some shit on my screen…nope it’s just your goofy face piercy thingy. I don’t
even know what they call those. Take it out your better off with the permanent hole it
will leave there.

Final Rating – 2/2. Mostly cause you look like your into that dominatrix shit. Not only am I a member, I am also the President. And I’m down as fuck with scandals and cover-ups, just like the Secret Service.

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Rating The Racer X Fan Of The Week

Posted on April 4, 2012 by MarcoBROlo | Permalink

Houston Supercross Fan of the Week[note from Eazy: I decided that since I could not stay neutral on this rating (these girls are the reason I didn't sleep outside at Houston) that I would hand the reigns to my new guest contributors, MarcoBROlo and MotoUr(.)(.)s. I might have them do all of these from now on because this shit is fucking hilarious.]

File under: Two’s company, three’s a threesome, Six is a Sex Picnic. Now most of you are going to look at these broads and think “certified smokes” right away. These girls are crafty like ice is cold. Since Eazy is being lazy as fuck I get this workload dumped on me, bear with me while I break down each one (starting from the left).

Hair:

1. Straight black and shoulder length screams I have no unique style. Hence the fedora, circa 2008. Hey bitch, it’s 2012. Get with the times.
2. Killing it. Slight curl, some color mixed in, rocking the flow. This chick is screaming to get fucked.
3. You are such a rebel with your blonde hair, aren’t you? And that streak of black contrasting the scorched white is so artsy I might need a glass of wine to view it. What the fuck?
4. See #2. Rocking it straight into my bedroom. Atta girl. A for effort.
5. I see you sneaky #5. Looking like a natural color. Unlike 2 or 4, I actually have to buy you two drinks before we sleep together. Well played.
6. Put a little elbow work into your style game and maybe I’ll let you buy me a drink.

The Goods:

Preface: None of these women are rocking over a C cup. If they are, they need to stop rocking those baggy T’s and slip into something tighter. We’re with you for your looks, not your personality.

1. Hiding some sneaky ass game back there, don’t think I don’t see you. Showing some midriff, too. One is clearly up on her fitness game.
2. Words of advice, when you’re rocking a body like that, don’t hide in the background. Your top says I’m conservative but your legs are saying I fuck like dynamite.
3. Call me crazy but I’d like to see a little more meat on those bones. Pretty sure that this girl would snap like a twig the second the good stuff got going.
4. I feel like four is hiding some prizes. It’s a common misconception that men love the chase. We don’t, we like when you are right in our face with that shit.
5. Short girl knows whats going on. Excellent tan on some toned up legs. Something about spinning her like a top just peaks my interest.
6. Thank baby Jesus the good lord gave you a good set of legs, a damn good tan and some serious potential on that rack. Way to go, Jesus!

Attire:

1. Black on black on black. Throw some color in your game. Got to give me something to grab my attention.
2. Skinny jeans are form fitting some great legs. Tighten up that shit and you might have
Monster or Rockstar ringing your line. Then you will have really made it to motosmoke stardom.
3. Your baggy shirt is making me sad. Couple that with the skull on it and now I am sad and angry. Like I just ran down a bunch of children crossing the road, and they dented my car with their mangled faces.
4. Honestly, who let you walk outside with those pants on? Turn to whichever friend from the picture you are with right now and punch her right in the face.
5. Appropriate style for a Supercross. Unfortunately for you life isn’t about practicality, it’s about bringing the heat. Save the chucks when you’re taking down the local A class BROs, this is the big leagues.
6. Deciding to rep Y&R at the track is always a good move, all the moto BROs love that shit. You have a conversation starter right there, even though no dude at the track wants to have a conversation with any girl that doesn’t start and end with “Let’s fuck”.

Misc:

1. Your body says “Lets fuck” but your face is hiding in the shadows. You’re playing mind games with me and I like it.
2. Call me when you get the gig to be an energy drink promo girl. You’re welcome.
3. You’re peacocking move is a bold tactic. I bet you are the type of girl who texts with many unnecessary letters. Those girls are always DTF.
4. Only one not rocking some sort of neck gear. Great tactic palling around with girls that got the in. That’s how you’re going to take down some pros and get some press passes.
5. There’s so much unused potential here. I am starved for flavor.
6. Hand on the hip, arching the back, sticking those tits out as far as you can. Posture is everything when you’re making up for other areas.

 MotoUr(.)(.)s’ Rating:

File Under: Big Sunglasses are this generation’s Brown Paper Bag

1. First thing I noticed when I looked at you is how big your fuckin hand is, you probably make every dude you have ever been with look like they have a tic-tac between their legs, holy fuck.

2. Your highlights are red, which is always the most ambiguous color. Could mean you want to destroy me or fuck me or both. Regardless, I’m thinking it’s going to be a fun evening.

3. I can’t believe you stole your dad’s golf ball finding sunglasses, tint is perfect to make sure you get all the balls.

4. I am so not fooled by your smile you are probably as miserable as the symbol of freedom looks on the shirt you ganked from Pocahontas. I don’t know who you got to sew two different pants together but props. I see you stole a pair of 1’s shoes as well, sick style, BRO.

5. You’re tough because you kept it so simple. Why is your right thigh larger than your left? Like BROlo said, this is the big leagues, step your game up.

6. Ditch the shirt and you will do a whole lot better. Ditch all shirts for that matter, just don’t fucking wear shirts anymore those things look like they need to breathe.

Final ratings: 2/2s all around. We are down to fuck anyone, any time, any scenario.

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