Since most interviews suck, I decided to take matters into my own hands, by literally making the whole thing up. This is not really to make fun of anyone, it’s just to amuse people.
What is the major difference between James Stewart and his competitors? That’s right, he rides a Suzuki. But he’s also black. I would never consider myself a racist, but I am an asshole who likes to take certain aspects of a rider’s persona and exploit them for my own amusement. James may be black, but he’s pretty white for a black guy. Sometimes you have to wonder what it would be like if James Africa’d out his life a little bit. This is my (entirely fake) interview with James Stewart if he was a thug-ass gangster:
BRO: James, thanks for taking the time and sitting down with me today
Gangster James: [talking on the phone] Yeah, I’ll meet you on Crenshaw. Hang on, this mark ass cracka is all mean muggin’ me and shit. Yeah son, he about to get clapped up real quick [hangs up phone] Yeah it was a tragedy. Wait what was the question again?
BRO: I haven’t asked you one, James
James: James is my slave name. The hood named me J-Mac.
BRO: Fair enough. J-Mac, what are your expectations coming into Hangtown?
James: Y’all mahfuckas ain’t even know. I’m about that track, and ain’t nobody on my level. I go toe-to-toe with anybody up in that bitch. Fool’s playin’ with some whack KTM and Kawasaki bullshit ’bout to get checked.
BRO: How do you feel on the bike as far as the set-up?
James: Did you not just hear me, Ben Affleck? I’m finna fuck some shit up. You wanna know how we test? I shoot a ni99@ in the face in front of the po-lice. If I get away, the bike is dialed. You see chains? You see a jump suit? I ain’t in Chino. I keeps it one hunnid, naw’m’sayin?
BRO: Your problem for the past few years has been staying off the ground. What are you doing to make sure you finish all 24 motos this year?
James: Listen, I’m hard as fuck. I break more bones in my pimp hand than anything. Bitches gettin’ outta line and shit.
BRO: That could be construed as sexist, J-Mac.
James: You talkin’, bitch? I’ma slap the taste out ya mouf you do that again.
BRO: Message received. So I assume you are not much a fan of WMA then?
James: Fuck is that? Like MDMA? I luh dat shit, always on the thizz game, naw’m’sayin?
BRO: No, WMA – the women’s motocross association. It might be WMX now but who really keeps track?
James: Bitches ain’t shit. Any ho step to me and it’s a hard trip to the ground comin’ right up, naw’m’sayin?
BRO: 10-4. So the class is pretty stacked this year. Who is your biggest competition?
James: Ni99@ I invented the competition. Only mothafucka who can step to me is god, and if he values his cheekbones, I suggest he not. But Villopoto and Dungey, to answer your actual question, sir.
BRO: How is the team around you?
James: All you need to know is I ain’t on a shit-ass bike with a bunch of triflin’ mothafuckas. I’m goin’ hard in the paint.
BRO: I don’t know what that means. So you’re expecting a win?
James: All I do is win and drop heat rocks. My debut album, Scrubbin’ Ain’t Easy, droppin’ in the coming months. One love, bitches.
BRO: Thanks James. And to leave the readers with your everlasting words: One love, bitches.