We are all here because we live for motocross. It’s what we do, it’s our passion in life. But sometimes, it bites you, and I’m not talking about in the broken bone department. The strain of MX can be even worse mentally, and here are some ways to cope with the most difficult times in MX:
1. Getting beat by a little kid
There’s nothing like feeling the flow – hitting your ruts perfectly, casually throwing whips and scrubs all over the place, doing that little helmet grab thing that pros do, just because you’re awesome – it’s magical. But then it all comes crashing down when a 125 piloted by some kid whose balls haven’t even considered dropping yet blows by you. All of a sudden, you suck. Complete Joe material everywhere on the track. It’s brutal to know that something you genuinely dedicated your life to has been mastered by a kid half your fucking age.
How to cope: With kids, the answer is simple: Start an argument with him in the pits, then finish him off by saying, “Whatever bitch, I’ve had more sex than you.” He’s a teenage boy; sex is literally all he cares about, and you’ve probably done it more than he has. I know some of the am rippers are savage pimps, but I’m relatively sure that I’ve had more sex than even the fiercest 14-year old. Game, set, match. Kid won’t even know what hit him.
2. Getting beat by a girl
I know this is a touchy subject, equal opportunity and all that bullshit. But I think even you crew cut-donning feminists can understand that it sucks to get beat by a girl, at any sport. It’s just wired in us – we are the alpha, and to be defeated by an inferior lady-thing is easily the most emasculating result ever. I’m not even here to say that women aren’t good at moto; getting beat by a girl universally blows.
How to cope: This one is tough. Gone are the days when you could simply exclaim, “Hey, good race, girl,” then give her a healthy pat on the ass. That’s how it was done in the times of American prosperity (no seriously, it is), but now the world sucks and such an act is not acceptable. If you make more money than her, that might be something worth bringing up, so carry around your W-2 or something. If you don’t, you can hail Mary it with some sandwich supplies, and tell her to get cracking. It may seem like the last act of a desperate man, but you just got beat by a chick who makes more money than you, so you are a desperate man.
3. Getting a whip tossed in your face
Nothing puts the sting in a pass like a fat whip that about grazes your opponent’s front tire on the face of the jump. Pretty much just puts the fear of God into him; a massive cuckold on his position, if you will. Just like saying “You’re too inadequate for the lead; this spot requires a real man.”
How to cope: First and foremost, do not panic. Don’t regress into novice territory like you did when the little kid passed you (if it’s a little kid whipping in your face though, you might be fucked). If you can pass him back, that’s the best way to do it. That’s some Highlander shit, just reclaiming what is yours. If you’re especially butthurt and cannot make the pass back, you can start a fight after the race. Remember, your best weapon is the motorcycle.
4. Getting passed by a rider that you explicitly took out
The normal retaliation for getting taken out is to take the guy out, be it in the same moto or the next. But, I submit that the far, far better retaliation (if you can do it, obviously) is to catch the guy and pass him like nothing happened. I mean, of course claim the pass with a look back and then fuck his girlfriend later, but don’t take him out. That’s basic bitch shit. When a guy you sent over a berm into another area code comes back to catch you and passes you, your world starts to crumble. How, oh how, could he be so much better at this than you? Maybe he’s better at everything than you, like making money and satisfying women (the two basic reasons for literally every male action). These thoughts begin to stew and before you know it, you’re in your underwear in the corner of a dark room surrounded by half eaten TV dinners wondering what went wrong in your life.
How to cope: You don’t. You just got served.