We’re doing one of these again. These are all to be read for people who are not pro, by the way. If you’re getting paid to run shit, run whatever the fuck those deep corporate pockets want you to run. C.R.E.A.M.
Major Energy Drinks
Red Bull, Monster, or Rockstar. You run their shit because you want to feel like you are a part of something. Remarkably insecure, it gives you comfort in feeling like you are in with Villo, or Roczen, or Anderson, just because you are supporting the same shit that they do (which they obviously only do because they get paid to). It just all feeds into your desperate, desperate need to matter, in any way.
Non-Major Energy Drinks
If you run an energy drink sticker that is not one of the main 3, you probably either own the company or know someone who owns the company. You or that person are probably super ambitious, but live in a fucking fantasy world, where grit and determination can get you ahead of the major international brands in a category as generic as goddamn energy drinks (it can’t). You or your friend have a true passion for the American dream, and make wildly emotional decisions, based on the typical “get rich quick” mantra. If you support them, then that’s not really a big deal; you just don’t have the heart to tell them their shitass no-name company is the “Jump To Conclusions” board of the real world.
You follow the sport, and know enough to establish yourself as one of the “insiders”, even if you actually are not. DBK, Deft, FMF, or other rider-owned brands keep it real, so by supporting them, you keep it real, or at least that’s what you’re going for. It’s all in the effort of making yourself look like you might know what you’re doing. Regardless of whether you do or not, you’re observant enough to know what works toward that goal. You might be cool and know how to ride, or you might be a hipster. Further evidence is needed.
Your Hook-It Sponsors
Your sponsors gave you 15% off, so you have to show them love, even though they probably made you pay for the stickers you’re running for them. You abide by your “contract” to the letter, and the fact that no one at that company even knows you exist and never will does not cross your mind. You, also, have a desperate need to matter, Mr. Hook-It Hero.
First things first: If you aren’t doing this ironically, you’re slow as fuck. Done deal, no question about it. You ride the C-class and there’s a 40% chance that you have cut fenders, too. You laugh at the dumbest shit ever, and can only sit through a movie if there are tits and/or farts every 15 minutes. Everyone you know either is exactly like you or makes fun of you behind your back.
You are a whore. You will take anything for free, and put it on full display for the whole world to see. Nothing is too lame, or too out there, to go on your truck, bike, or helmet. A Confederate flag next to a NAACP bumper sticker works just fine for you, as long as you got it for free. You have a price for anything, and I mean anything, be it monetary or not.