The Motocrosser’s Guide To Being A Normal Person

I have said it a million times that I hate normal society. They always bug me and make me feel uncomfortable, like I’m in some sort of dystopian zoo where the animals look like me and interact with me. But, as unfortunate circumstance would have it, we all have to integrate into normal society; in fact, being awesome like me means that you can throw on that camouflage and blend right in if you want. So here are some tips to doing exactly that:

Talk about work and shit

A lot of you youngbloods reading this are not going to relate, as is also the case with you jobless degenerates who only hang out with other jobless degenerates. But for those of us who run in circles that actually have “hope” for the future, dealing with normal people means that invariably they will ask you what you do for a living, and will want you to ask them about what they do. Even though normal jobs exhibit the same life-sucking properties as a goddamn vampire, that’s all they want to talk about. The reason, of course, is because that is all they have in their life. They do not have a passion for anything, and thus have nothing else to talk about. They convince themselves that they are happy with their situation, which more often than it should leads to an empty bottle of Jack and a trip through the office with a sawed off shotgun. But if you are trying to seem normal, have some business buzzwords to drop in to conversation – terms that contribute absolutely nothing but make it sound like you care about/know what you are talking about. Example terms include but are not limited to: “touch base”, “hit the ground running”, “stick to the basics”, and “leveraging synergies”.

Know at least something about football

I’m not saying that it’s stupid to enjoy football. I’m from Boston, it’s required that I like the Patriots and hate the Jets/Colts/Everyone, which I do. But normal folk, again, have nothing, so on the weekends when they can’t work, they watch football. They also are so desperate to find common ground, because they fear awkward conversation. So when they find out where you are from – if there is any team nearby – they will want to talk to you about it, despite the fact that even if you care about football, you do not give a fuck about engaging a total stranger on it. But knowing the ins and outs of the game will help in speeding the convo along while avoiding the awkward moment where you both realize that this interaction is about to hit a massive wall of silence.

Don’t ever refer to things using dirtbike sounds

We all, when we are excited, let some sort of instinctive moto sound slip. I do it all the time. I’m not saying it’s cool and makes me seem edgy or something, I’m just saying I do it. I wish I didn’t, but I do. Just know that doing so in front of normal people is pretty much a dead giveaway that you are not one of them. They like to “Woo” or bark like a dog or some stupid shit. Yelling “Bung bung buuuuunnng” as you approach the bar/strip club is definitely not normal.

Be a shittier driver

Motocross riders are better drivers. Indisputable fact. I would say that of all the people I know who attempt to operate a vehicle, 50% of the moto crowd are bad drivers, while 85% of the non-moto crowd are bad drivers. Of course, there’s a much higher percentage of women in the second category, so that might be skewing the numbers a tad. But racing a motorcycle with 39 other people trying to kill you definitely makes negotiating highway traffic a walk in the park.

Complain more about aches or pains

Everyone I know that doesn’t race moto is a pussy; “I’m so sore” or “My shoulder is really talking to me” or “I’m way too hungover” on repeat. When you tell them that they are not hurt, and playing through the pain will honestly help them, they don’t believe you. In their head, they physically cannot do anything. They live a defeatist lifestyle, so to be like them, you must also. Having an “I can’t” attitude is the foundation of a normal life.


Another Shining Example Of What Happens When NFG Goes Wrong

I feel like people see BRO as the quintessential image of NFG. They see me as this handsome, debonaire rogue who lives by no one’s rules but his own, and a character who exemplifies this devil-may-care lifestyle where caution is thrown to the dogs and life is one 5th gear wide open experience after the other. But even knowing that, I’ll say that a few test runs never hurt anybody, kids. Scope out the take-off a few times and maybe you’ll realize that the jump that your planning on hitting at 900mph is actually a three foot takeoff that you built like a Jersey Barrier, and you might end the day on your feet with your chick and a little position I like to call “wheelbarrow style”, rather than being relegated to covert handies in a hospital bed like certified NFG ripper Keaton Ward here. Remember Keaton, clean up is a bitch so have some tissues ready to go.

Moto Videos

BRO’s Brief Guide To Making Instagram Suck Less

The Internet was a great idea. One massive network linking people together in an incredible whirlwind of technology; a place where the greatest minds in the world can contribute information for anyone to have access to, where data can travel at light speed, and where the world can be truly connected. But, 2 billion views of “Gangnam Style” later, we are left with this – dog shit. I could go on forever, but this blog will focus on one aspect of the Internet that we all know and (used to) love: Instagram.

The IG, like the Internet, was cool at first – bad iPhone photos spruced up with a decent filter like a streetwalker after a low budget makeover. But quickly, it has morphed into a painful collection of horrendous videos, poorly-lit photos of pets or food or pets’ food, and, of course, selfies.

What can I do to make it better, you ask? Great question, inquisitive reader. First of all, be more selective with the likes and follows. Make people really earn it. If you don’t look at a moto photo and think, “Dope whip” or “awesome bar drag” or “dude, how did that guy not die”, don’t fucking like it; it is not deserving. The same goes for the follows – unoriginal content sucks, and should not get your approval. Moto pages that simply re-post other people’s stuff are a goddamn travesty (and yes, once or twice BRO has even re-posted something, but I usually try to at least put some sort of original spin on everything). But these kids think that Instagram followers are some sort of currency, and will do anything to get those numbers up, even though they mean absolutely nothing. Reward originality with a follow, even if it is only partial originality.

This final point is important, and it’s going to be tough for a lot of you to swallow (and really barely even focuses on MX). It’s something that I’m sure you are all guilty of, and even I myself cannot resist the urge sometimes. But gentlemen, we must all band together, and stop liking girls’ photos purely because we want to fuck them. I know, pretty much everything we do is with the ultimate goal of getting laid, but it needs to stop. Our never-ending quest for a trip to Fuck Town, combined with the all-too-common desperate battle for attention among females, has resulted in a cavalcade of mirror-selfies that at their core all say one thing: “Please reassure me that I’m good looking and that my life isn’t an endless series of worthless moments, each more worthless than the last.” But yet, we double-click them. It literally doesn’t even matter what is in the photo – ass, tits, or crimes against humanity – we will like it because we are thinking “Hey, maybe she’ll distinguish my “like” from the 2300 other ones and DM me asking if I’m down for a three-way with her model friend later.” She won’t, ever. Again, these girls validate themselves by number of followers, even though that number is worthless. They are essentially doing porn, except they aren’t, because porn stars actually make money. If we stop liking, the garbage will stop. Girls will be forced to be creative and thoughtful in their IGs (while also being hot because there’s no other reason to be in a photo if you’re a chick), and the world will be a better place.

Finally, stop using that app that tells you when people are unfollowing you. It is truly pathetic. Why do you care? Once again, it means nothing. People unfollow you? Good, they probably did it because your cat/lunch/face sucks and they are sick of looking at it. Take that and run with it; don’t sit there and be butt-hurt about it, be better. But again, why do you care about it so much? It is the worst form of giving a fuck since wars based on religion started.


How About This Absolute Savage Pulling A Textbook NFG Pass On A Supermini?

Love it, that’s how we do it in the Northeast. Kid’s holding you up, and your scrub game isn’t quite on point? Just hold it wide open. Vintage Carmichael stuff, really. Like the old finish at High Point, right after RC retired, and he’s on the broadcast saying “I don’t understand why these guys aren’t launching that thing. It’s free time.” Every jump on the track is a single when you’re a maniac and launching the landing 50+ feet. And what’s the end result? Pass made, pass stuck. No shot that other kid is taking that shit back. He probably pulled off; he couldn’t handle that kind of heat. More or less just had his girl stolen from him.

Moto Videos

Josh Sheehan Says What’s Up

The panties are like a factory rider after a Havasu ripper in 1999: Dropped.

Moto Videos

If This Isn’t How You Get A Mechanic For Loretta’s, I Don’t Know What Is

From CraigslistMechanic for chubby LL racer wanted (LL Dude Ranch)
Compensation: all the pbr you can drink, but please show up drunk already
Looking for a semi-qualified mechanic to help me at Lorettas. It starts Monday. I’ll be the chubby guy in the +35 class with little to no interest in doing well. My plan is to pull the hole shot or at least start when the gate drops and get on TV. Assuming I make it to Friday before stroking out from exhaustion. (The last moto on Friday is live on racer as part of your job requirements you will need to spin a towel when I ride by and have a cold PBR ready at all times in case I give up suddenly. I’m prepared to pay you handsomely as I assume wages are covered by THE KOG since I’m riding his bike. I borrowed it for the regional and never took it back. Not sure I will ever but that’s a different story.. let me know if interested. I got a sweet camper you can stay in.. thanks #69

If this guy doesn’t have a mechanic yet, I fucking hate America. I put it out in the world right now: I am arriving at LL tomorrow (Wednesday), and I swear to zombie Jesus that I will mechanic for this guy if the position is still available.

Also, #69. If he didn’t get that number, I would pull a Tanya Harding on whoever got it so they’d be out and he could run it even though he technically wouldn’t be allowed to run it, anyway. Fuck you, logic.


Confession Time, You Guys: I’m In Love With A Quad Girl

That’s it, girls. Thanks for playing, but BRO is officially off the market. I pretty much fall in love ten times a day when I am at the race track and have a front row seat to the stampede of willing and able promo girls, but this is it; the one. I don’t know if it’s the way she pronounces “creek” as “crick” (which is probably just as big an indicator that you are racist as wearing a white hood and robe to a store and buying a cross and lighter fluid), or if it’s the way the cigarette smoke hits her pudgy, biscuits-and-gravy face like a mystical symphony of ignorance and alcoholic daddy issues. Perhaps it’s the fact that she thinks anyone at all would ever try to get her into her bra, because just about every man in the world would sooner gouge his own eyes out with the keys to your Chevy, cupcake. Whatever it is, the second her legs flew up in the air as she endoed the ever-loving shit out of that quad into the River of Failure, I went from six to midnight. And that’s love. #WifeTheQuads

Random Videos

American Hero Sends Himself 150 Feet to Flat and Bails Like A Boss

So this is the crash that is the talk of the town and it just so happens to come to us from the greatest state in the union, Massachusetts. This happened on Sunday at the J-Day race (which is the dopest new series on the east coast, as you all are well aware).

I think easily the greatest aspect of this crash is the fact that I’m pretty sure this kid had no complications whatsoever approaching the jump; he was just going for it. When this video first graced the internets, I thought for sure that he had a stuck throttle or his arms were pumped up, but upon closer inspection, neither appears to be the case, which means that the kid simply could not have given a fuck about shutting off the throttle. 150 feet and one massive loop out later, he quickly found out what happens when keeping it NFG goes wrong.


Tranny DQ’d From Women’s Class Loretta’s Qualifier For Jumping On The Yellow. Nah, Just Kidding. It’s Because She Was Born A Man

Wow. Just….wow. Let me start off by saying that I feel for the promoter who made this decision, because no matter what call he made, people would basically be coming at him like he just committed a crime against humanity. Let him/her race, and every Christian this side of the Vatican is more or less going to condemn you to whatever hell they believe in. Disqualify him/her, and you are going to get about a thousand calls from a hundred LGBT rights organizations. A lose-lose situation if I’ve ever heard of one.

Now, I really don’t want to get into civil rights here. Tranny isn’t an offensive term, right? I will even just start calling her a female for the remainder of this blog. Transgender people have always kind of blown my mind, purely because of the financial and physical investment that goes in to changing yourself from a have to a have-not. It takes like two years and upwards of $60k to do that shit, taking estrogen and slowly growing “bitch tits” (medical term).

But, after doing all of that, spending tens of thousands of dollars that you’ll never see any real value from, should you be allowed to race the Women’s class? I think it’s an obvious no. Not even being an asshole here – you were born a man, and no matter how much surgery you have, your body still has naturally masculine characteristics, which is why the women have their own class in the first place, because their bodies are not as naturally inclined for motocross/sports in general. We can all agree on that, right? The reason for separating men and women in literally every sport is not because a penis has some magical athletic power. So, that’s great that Danielle now feels like she’s the appropriate gender, but from an objective standpoint, I’d say it’s unfair for her to race the Women’s class. No one is saying that she can’t race – line up in the B/C class all day long. Ask yourselves this one, BROs: would you be more pissed if you got beat by a girl or a tranny? Definitely a girl, right? I’ll race the t-girls all day long.

I’d be remiss to end this blog without one of these clips. It’s not really relevant but totally relevant:


BRO’s Guide To Best Whip At X-Games

We are now about two hours away from Best Whip at X, which is basically the only event that I care about watching. Endurocross is a heavy event, and I respect the guys who can do it well, but it just doesn’t do it for me. I like watching guys having fun on dirtbikes, not hating their fucking lives riding over massive razor edged boulders and logs soaked in water and tears. But now, let’s talk about whips. Here’s the breakdown of the riders competing, and feel free to show your mainstream friends so they don’t feel as stupid as they actually are:

Josh Hansen

Ok, let’s open it up with the returning champ. Hansen’s last year were the best whips anyone has ever seen whilst not on mushrooms. Just epically smooth yet still torqued further than anyone. If he does exactly the same whip this year, it will still win. Calling it.

Twitch is always a marquee rider in this event, probably because he is freeriding’s poster child now. Everyone knows Twitch’s style is the dopest dope you’ve ever smoked (he pretty much invented the turndown), but it hits way, way better in the natural terrain. He doesn’t whip ramps the way Hanny or Tom P can. He could win though since his whips are still sick and his goddamn Twitter followers are his minions.

Tom Parsons
Which brings me to the people’s champ, Tom P. He won at Monster Cup, which was the first major whip competition that wasn’t judged by pubescent girls who live their lives 140 characters at a time. Tom P has been busted up for a few months now, and is actually going against doctor’s orders to ride this event. Doctor’s orders are directly correlated to fucks given. There will be none for Tom P.

Vicki Golden
Score one for the girls. Vicki G has by far the best style of any female rider, and even though she gets mega chick points in this event, her whips are still pretty good. Not as good as the rest of the guys competing, because men are better at sports, but they are very respectable even taking gender out of the equation.

Beau Bamburg
I have barely seen any of his riding at all in the last ten years. The last thing I remember him doing is trying that backflip-to-sterilizer in Best Trick and absolutely eating shit. I have seen him do a couple of whips though and they were good, worthy of being in this competition.

Lance Coury
Again, haven’t seen much of his riding, but I do know that he has a turndown that is 75% guaranteed to steal your girl.

Who Should Be Riding:

Brett Cue – ESPN hates free speech and America, so Brett’s stunt last year with the video series earned him negative points with the corpo suits.

Jarryd McNeil – Not sure what the deal is here, he was in this event pretty regularly up until now. Maybe hurt or something.

Tyler Bereman – ESPN definitely just doesn’t think he’s a big enough name. He was also hurt most of this year so far. Style for lightyears, though.

Destin Cantrell – Again, probably pissed off ESPN and they are punishing him.

Racers Who Could Definitely Compete:
James Stewart
Justin Barcia
Ken Roczen
Justin Bogle
Josh Grant