I have said it a million times that I hate normal society. They always bug me and make me feel uncomfortable, like I’m in some sort of dystopian zoo where the animals look like me and interact with me. But, as unfortunate circumstance would have it, we all have to integrate into normal society; in fact, being awesome like me means that you can throw on that camouflage and blend right in if you want. So here are some tips to doing exactly that:
Talk about work and shit
A lot of you youngbloods reading this are not going to relate, as is also the case with you jobless degenerates who only hang out with other jobless degenerates. But for those of us who run in circles that actually have “hope” for the future, dealing with normal people means that invariably they will ask you what you do for a living, and will want you to ask them about what they do. Even though normal jobs exhibit the same life-sucking properties as a goddamn vampire, that’s all they want to talk about. The reason, of course, is because that is all they have in their life. They do not have a passion for anything, and thus have nothing else to talk about. They convince themselves that they are happy with their situation, which more often than it should leads to an empty bottle of Jack and a trip through the office with a sawed off shotgun. But if you are trying to seem normal, have some business buzzwords to drop in to conversation – terms that contribute absolutely nothing but make it sound like you care about/know what you are talking about. Example terms include but are not limited to: “touch base”, “hit the ground running”, “stick to the basics”, and “leveraging synergies”.
Know at least something about football
I’m not saying that it’s stupid to enjoy football. I’m from Boston, it’s required that I like the Patriots and hate the Jets/Colts/Everyone, which I do. But normal folk, again, have nothing, so on the weekends when they can’t work, they watch football. They also are so desperate to find common ground, because they fear awkward conversation. So when they find out where you are from – if there is any team nearby – they will want to talk to you about it, despite the fact that even if you care about football, you do not give a fuck about engaging a total stranger on it. But knowing the ins and outs of the game will help in speeding the convo along while avoiding the awkward moment where you both realize that this interaction is about to hit a massive wall of silence.
Don’t ever refer to things using dirtbike sounds
We all, when we are excited, let some sort of instinctive moto sound slip. I do it all the time. I’m not saying it’s cool and makes me seem edgy or something, I’m just saying I do it. I wish I didn’t, but I do. Just know that doing so in front of normal people is pretty much a dead giveaway that you are not one of them. They like to “Woo” or bark like a dog or some stupid shit. Yelling “Bung bung buuuuunnng” as you approach the bar/strip club is definitely not normal.
Be a shittier driver
Motocross riders are better drivers. Indisputable fact. I would say that of all the people I know who attempt to operate a vehicle, 50% of the moto crowd are bad drivers, while 85% of the non-moto crowd are bad drivers. Of course, there’s a much higher percentage of women in the second category, so that might be skewing the numbers a tad. But racing a motorcycle with 39 other people trying to kill you definitely makes negotiating highway traffic a walk in the park.
Complain more about aches or pains
Everyone I know that doesn’t race moto is a pussy; “I’m so sore” or “My shoulder is really talking to me” or “I’m way too hungover” on repeat. When you tell them that they are not hurt, and playing through the pain will honestly help them, they don’t believe you. In their head, they physically cannot do anything. They live a defeatist lifestyle, so to be like them, you must also. Having an “I can’t” attitude is the foundation of a normal life.