These are all basic versions of complaints that I have heard from real world friends or acquaintances in the past couple of months. Since it’s socially unacceptable to give people a harsh dose of reality, and instead being forced to coddle people’s delicate psyches with encouragement and positive thoughts (oxymoron), I’m turning to BRO. Enjoy.
“I’m Feeling So Hungover Today, I Can’t Do Anything”
Child’s play. Get your ass up, and get moving. A hangover is your brain telling you that you drank too much, but your brain is a fucking idiot. Your body is still ready to go, trust me. I pound out laps the morning after on a regular basis, and literally every single time I do, I feel like a million bucks afterwards. Physically, you are entirely capable of being active during a hangover. It’s entirely up to you to be a doer or a whiny little bitch on the couch watching re-runs of New Girl all day.
“I’m Worried That My Girl Isn’t Into It Anymore”
Um, then do something about it, dipshit. When I consistently feel shitty on the bike, I make a change, be it drastic or small. Sometimes, a twist of the clickers does the trick, and if not, maybe it’s time to get a new goddamn bike. But sitting there and dealing with it makes me not have fun on the track, which makes me hate life and bitch to my friends about how much I’m not into my bike.
“I’m Getting Divorced”
You’re obviously a dumbass. Thousand bucks says you got married too early, and are now realizing what a colossal thundercunt your woman is. Learn from your mistake and move on. I’ve never in my life bought a bike without trying one out first and making sure it was what I wanted. If I did, there’s a good chance I’d find an issue with it early on and be pissed that I just wasted almost ten grand on the fucking thing.
“I’m Really Tired”
See my answer to number one. Stop self-medicating and start actually maintaining an active lifestyle and tire yourself out so you don’t have to pop pills or take Nyquil to get to sleep because your mind is racing with thoughts of how shitty your life is. Try casing a step-up out at Beaumont and bouncing 60-feet down the landing, almost literally shaking hands with the Devil. Never been more awake in my life.
“I Can’t Afford To Pay My Bills This Month”
Sucks to suck, maybe you shouldn’t have wasted all your goddamn money on that giant rock that you gave your fiancée who is definitely cheating on you. (Note: This one is far more specific to the individual and really doesn’t relate to moto at all, but I’m sure some of you can run with it)
“No Matter How Hard I Try, I Can’t Get A Job”
Then make yourself better. When you race, no one is handing that shit to you; a win comes to the guy who did the best. If you don’t win, you practice until you are the best, and winning. And guess what, there’s always 39 guys working their ass off to be better than you. Go to college or something, dumbass.
“My Shoulder Hurts, But I Don’t Know If I Should Go To The Doctor”
I don’t understand, did you fall on it really bad, or dislocate it, maybe? If you didn’t, then I can save you a trip to the doc and assure you that you’re suffering from Little Bitch Syndrome. LBS is very common in people who don’t ride dirtbikes and do gnarly shit. I once broke my collarbone and finished the moto. Toughen up, cupcake.