Confession Time, You Guys: I’m In Love With A Quad Girl

That’s it, girls. Thanks for playing, but BRO is officially off the market. I pretty much fall in love ten times a day when I am at the race track and have a front row seat to the stampede of willing and able promo girls, but this is it; the one. I don’t know if it’s the way she pronounces “creek” as “crick” (which is probably just as big an indicator that you are racist as wearing a white hood and robe to a store and buying a cross and lighter fluid), or if it’s the way the cigarette smoke hits her pudgy, biscuits-and-gravy face like a mystical symphony of ignorance and alcoholic daddy issues. Perhaps it’s the fact that she thinks anyone at all would ever try to get her into her bra, because just about every man in the world would sooner gouge his own eyes out with the keys to your Chevy, cupcake. Whatever it is, the second her legs flew up in the air as she endoed the ever-loving shit out of that quad into the River of Failure, I went from six to midnight. And that’s love. #WifeTheQuads

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American Hero Sends Himself 150 Feet to Flat and Bails Like A Boss



So this is the crash that is the talk of the town and it just so happens to come to us from the greatest state in the union, Massachusetts. This happened on Sunday at the J-Day race (which is the dopest new series on the east coast, as you all are well aware).

I think easily the greatest aspect of this crash is the fact that I’m pretty sure this kid had no complications whatsoever approaching the jump; he was just going for it. When this video first graced the internets, I thought for sure that he had a stuck throttle or his arms were pumped up, but upon closer inspection, neither appears to be the case, which means that the kid simply could not have given a fuck about shutting off the throttle. 150 feet and one massive loop out later, he quickly found out what happens when keeping it NFG goes wrong.

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Tranny DQ’d From Women’s Class Loretta’s Qualifier For Jumping On The Yellow. Nah, Just Kidding. It’s Because She Was Born A Man

Wow. Just….wow. Let me start off by saying that I feel for the promoter who made this decision, because no matter what call he made, people would basically be coming at him like he just committed a crime against humanity. Let him/her race, and every Christian this side of the Vatican is more or less going to condemn you to whatever hell they believe in. Disqualify him/her, and you are going to get about a thousand calls from a hundred LGBT rights organizations. A lose-lose situation if I’ve ever heard of one.

Now, I really don’t want to get into civil rights here. Tranny isn’t an offensive term, right? I will even just start calling her a female for the remainder of this blog. Transgender people have always kind of blown my mind, purely because of the financial and physical investment that goes in to changing yourself from a have to a have-not. It takes like two years and upwards of $60k to do that shit, taking estrogen and slowly growing “bitch tits” (medical term).

But, after doing all of that, spending tens of thousands of dollars that you’ll never see any real value from, should you be allowed to race the Women’s class? I think it’s an obvious no. Not even being an asshole here – you were born a man, and no matter how much surgery you have, your body still has naturally masculine characteristics, which is why the women have their own class in the first place, because their bodies are not as naturally inclined for motocross/sports in general. We can all agree on that, right? The reason for separating men and women in literally every sport is not because a penis has some magical athletic power. So, that’s great that Danielle now feels like she’s the appropriate gender, but from an objective standpoint, I’d say it’s unfair for her to race the Women’s class. No one is saying that she can’t race – line up in the B/C class all day long. Ask yourselves this one, BROs: would you be more pissed if you got beat by a girl or a tranny? Definitely a girl, right? I’ll race the t-girls all day long.

I’d be remiss to end this blog without one of these clips. It’s not really relevant but totally relevant:

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BRO’s Guide To Best Whip At X-Games


We are now about two hours away from Best Whip at X, which is basically the only event that I care about watching. Endurocross is a heavy event, and I respect the guys who can do it well, but it just doesn’t do it for me. I like watching guys having fun on dirtbikes, not hating their fucking lives riding over massive razor edged boulders and logs soaked in water and tears. But now, let’s talk about whips. Here’s the breakdown of the riders competing, and feel free to show your mainstream friends so they don’t feel as stupid as they actually are:

Josh Hansen

Ok, let’s open it up with the returning champ. Hansen’s last year were the best whips anyone has ever seen whilst not on mushrooms. Just epically smooth yet still torqued further than anyone. If he does exactly the same whip this year, it will still win. Calling it.

Twitch
Twitch is always a marquee rider in this event, probably because he is freeriding’s poster child now. Everyone knows Twitch’s style is the dopest dope you’ve ever smoked (he pretty much invented the turndown), but it hits way, way better in the natural terrain. He doesn’t whip ramps the way Hanny or Tom P can. He could win though since his whips are still sick and his goddamn Twitter followers are his minions.

Tom Parsons
Which brings me to the people’s champ, Tom P. He won at Monster Cup, which was the first major whip competition that wasn’t judged by pubescent girls who live their lives 140 characters at a time. Tom P has been busted up for a few months now, and is actually going against doctor’s orders to ride this event. Doctor’s orders are directly correlated to fucks given. There will be none for Tom P.

Vicki Golden
Score one for the girls. Vicki G has by far the best style of any female rider, and even though she gets mega chick points in this event, her whips are still pretty good. Not as good as the rest of the guys competing, because men are better at sports, but they are very respectable even taking gender out of the equation.

Beau Bamburg
I have barely seen any of his riding at all in the last ten years. The last thing I remember him doing is trying that backflip-to-sterilizer in Best Trick and absolutely eating shit. I have seen him do a couple of whips though and they were good, worthy of being in this competition.

Lance Coury
Again, haven’t seen much of his riding, but I do know that he has a turndown that is 75% guaranteed to steal your girl.

Who Should Be Riding:

Brett Cue – ESPN hates free speech and America, so Brett’s stunt last year with the video series earned him negative points with the corpo suits.

Jarryd McNeil – Not sure what the deal is here, he was in this event pretty regularly up until now. Maybe hurt or something.

Tyler Bereman – ESPN definitely just doesn’t think he’s a big enough name. He was also hurt most of this year so far. Style for lightyears, though.

Destin Cantrell – Again, probably pissed off ESPN and they are punishing him.

Racers Who Could Definitely Compete:
James Stewart
Justin Barcia
Ken Roczen
Justin Bogle
Josh Grant

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4 Worst Humiliations In Moto And How To Cope With Them

We are all here because we live for motocross. It’s what we do, it’s our passion in life. But sometimes, it bites you, and I’m not talking about in the broken bone department. The strain of MX can be even worse mentally, and here are some ways to cope with the most difficult times in MX:

1. Getting beat by a little kid
There’s nothing like feeling the flow – hitting your ruts perfectly, casually throwing whips and scrubs all over the place, doing that little helmet grab thing that pros do, just because you’re awesome – it’s magical. But then it all comes crashing down when a 125 piloted by some kid whose balls haven’t even considered dropping yet blows by you. All of a sudden, you suck. Complete Joe material everywhere on the track. It’s brutal to know that something you genuinely dedicated your life to has been mastered by a kid half your fucking age.

How to cope: With kids, the answer is simple: Start an argument with him in the pits, then finish him off by saying, “Whatever bitch, I’ve had more sex than you.” He’s a teenage boy; sex is literally all he cares about, and you’ve probably done it more than he has. I know some of the am rippers are savage pimps, but I’m relatively sure that I’ve had more sex than even the fiercest 14-year old. Game, set, match. Kid won’t even know what hit him.

2. Getting beat by a girl
I know this is a touchy subject, equal opportunity and all that bullshit. But I think even you crew cut-donning feminists can understand that it sucks to get beat by a girl, at any sport. It’s just wired in us – we are the alpha, and to be defeated by an inferior lady-thing is easily the most emasculating result ever. I’m not even here to say that women aren’t good at moto; getting beat by a girl universally blows.

How to cope: This one is tough. Gone are the days when you could simply exclaim, “Hey, good race, girl,” then give her a healthy pat on the ass. That’s how it was done in the times of American prosperity (no seriously, it is), but now the world sucks and such an act is not acceptable. If you make more money than her, that might be something worth bringing up, so carry around your W-2 or something. If you don’t, you can hail Mary it with some sandwich supplies, and tell her to get cracking. It may seem like the last act of a desperate man, but you just got beat by a chick who makes more money than you, so you are a desperate man.

3. Getting a whip tossed in your face
Nothing puts the sting in a pass like a fat whip that about grazes your opponent’s front tire on the face of the jump. Pretty much just puts the fear of God into him; a massive cuckold on his position, if you will. Just like saying “You’re too inadequate for the lead; this spot requires a real man.”

How to cope: First and foremost, do not panic. Don’t regress into novice territory like you did when the little kid passed you (if it’s a little kid whipping in your face though, you might be fucked). If you can pass him back, that’s the best way to do it. That’s some Highlander shit, just reclaiming what is yours. If you’re especially butthurt and cannot make the pass back, you can start a fight after the race. Remember, your best weapon is the motorcycle.

 

4. Getting passed by a rider that you explicitly took out
The normal retaliation for getting taken out is to take the guy out, be it in the same moto or the next. But, I submit that the far, far better retaliation (if you can do it, obviously) is to catch the guy and pass him like nothing happened. I mean, of course claim the pass with a look back and then fuck his girlfriend later, but don’t take him out. That’s basic bitch shit. When a guy you sent over a berm into another area code comes back to catch you and passes you, your world starts to crumble. How, oh how, could he be so much better at this than you? Maybe he’s better at everything than you, like making money and satisfying women (the two basic reasons for literally every male action). These thoughts begin to stew and before you know it, you’re in your underwear in the corner of a dark room surrounded by half eaten TV dinners wondering what went wrong in your life.

How to cope: You don’t. You just got served.

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Never Forget Your Most Valuable Weapon In A Moto Fight: Your Bike

Blaap blaap and that was that. I’ve commented on the ins and outs of starting a moto fight before, but this video pretty much threw my perspective for a complete 180. It was right under my nose the whole time, like it’s almost too simple: Your bike is easily your best asset in a fight at the track. Large, powerful, and an excellent getaway vehicle should authorities arrive. Just wait for the kid to turn around, pop the clutch, send his ass flying, and you are out and back at the trailer before he can say “assault charges”. It’s like having a dragon do your bidding for you as you laugh at the peasants fleeing for safety. And worst case Ontario, just tell the cops your clutch let go. Plausible deniability for days!

Thanks to BRO reader Jordan for the tip on the video. (That’s what she said)

fight, Moto Videos

This Kid’s Post-Crash Behavior Is Absolutely Textbook

I am so on-board with everything this kid did after that crash apart from the screaming. I could have done without the screaming. It reminded me of a crying baby, and since I hate children in general, that was not a place that I wanted my mind to be in. But other than that, so on point with how I behave after a burly crash – roll around in pain, tell people trying to help you to shut the fuck up, and then say “I’m fine. DON’T call an ambulance.” That’s how it’s done, that’s how men do it. Normal people are all “Oh my neck doesn’t hurt but call an ambulance and get me a backboard and a snowcone please.”

And yelling at everyone after a crash is completely normal. Nothing else in the world matters at that point, everyone just shut the fuck up, do whatever I say, and respect the fact that I just rocked my dome on some goddamn terra firma. I’m the same exact way after I stub my toe while running in the house because the microwave just beeped and I’m excited – whatever atrocities that are happening in Egypt or Rwanda or wherever do not exist, the only bad thing in the world is the fact that my toe hurts like a bitch and everyone else should know that.

Moto Videos

X-Games Will Now Have Video Games As A Medal Event. Finally!


From ESPNTo capitalize on a rapidly growing competitive league right in the heart of its demographic, X Games, together with Major League Gaming, announced Monday that there will be a “Call of Duty” tournament as part of X Games Austin in June. The “MLG Call of Duty: Ghosts” tournament will feature the top five “Call of Duty” teams based on MLG Pro Points plus the top three teams from the “Call of Duty” championship held in Winter Park, Fla., last month. The eight teams will compete in a double-elimination group format, with four teams advancing to a single-elimination bracket. X Games medals will be awarded to the winning teams.

You guys, we did it. We finally did it. We made it to the most embarrassing day in action sports history. Now I know that the X-Games are about as core as the mesosphere, but like it or not, it’s an event that massively represents our sport to the mainstream. And now, athletes like Pastrana and Hansen and Brayton can share a gold medal with the fat fuck in a carpal tunnel wrist brace and an otherworldly greasy ponytail.

Of course, we needn’t be surprised – ESPN has long been trying to squeeze every fucking dollar they can out of the X-Games, with absolutely no concern whatsoever for the integrity of the actual events. That’s why, if he entered Best Whip, Justin Bieber would win because a billion tweens just getting their first period are better (read: more valuable) judges than actual riders. It’s common knowledge that ESPN is hurting for money (actually, it’s Disney that’s hurting for money. Turns out people are starting to realize that it’s more fun to squeeze into a gas oven and have a campfire than wait in the torturous lines of crying children at Disneyland), and now they’ve thrown foresight to the wind in pursuit of a few extra dollars in partnership marketing. I’m now 110% going to pitch my idea for a Twerk event at X, as well as an event where cats do funny things for YouTube videos. Dollar dollar bills, y’all.

News

Most Pathetic Ways the Mainstream Tries To Connect with The Moto Crowd

So I was watching the press conference from East Rutherford yesterday, and some idiot from Bloomberg Media stands up to ask something, as if he could possibly contribute anything to progress the dialogue happening in the room. He asked some stupid shit about tires to Dungey and Dungey about gave him the look you would give your uncle if he asked you if you wanted to go play wrestling in his basement without shirts on. It was yet another thread in the pathetic web of interactions that mainstream media has with moto, so BRO decided to chronicle some of the worst ways that the people from “the other side” have tried to engage the motocross audience:

The Lingo
It’s just so blatant. “Hey guys, did you see who got the HOLESHOT out there? Maybe later, I’ll hit the “WHOOPS” on my dirtbike.” Often found in Hollywood films or TV, writers feel that rather than getting someone involved who actually knows what he is talking about, they can just grab a quick Google search and copy four terms from “Motocross terms and phrases” and bingo bango, they’ve got a script.

Random “Insider” Talk
This is where I would put Bloomberg’s tire question. This is the Ralph Sheheen special – find one thing to talk about that is beyond the usual knowledge of a normal person outside of moto and stick to it all night long, in order to establish yourself as an “insider”. Much in the way that snitches try to infiltrate the mob, people like Ralph and Bloomberg Billy try to become that which they are observing, in order to further engage with us. Ralph yaps nonstop about Villopoto steering with his rear wheel all night and thinks, “That’s right motocross. I’m hip. I’m ‘with it’. I know ‘what’s up’, as you kids are so fond of saying.”
Travis Pastrana and Shit

Name Drops
Name drops definitely fall into the same category as the random insider talk. It’s a time-tested classic technique for anyone trying to feign the ability to competently speak on a subject with which you have absolutely no prior familiarity. It was Ralph’s favorite thing ever when he was starting out – if James Stewart had suddenly retired, Ralph probably would have quit. If it wasn’t for Travis Pastrana, JS7, Chad Reed, or Ricky Carmichael, none of these people would even be able to comprehend racing a motorcycle on the dirt. Like, what even is that?

Extremely amped? Dirtbike mechanic?? Holy shit, sign me up.

The “Extreme” Angle
Bob Costas summed up the mainstreams view of action sports perfectly when he directly compared snowboarding to Jackass. People see these sports as “daredevil” activities, and therefore categorize the athletes as “daredevils”. In their eyes, there’s no difference between you and the idiot who jumps off a school building in his fucking Sketchers with his buddy filming on his flip phone from 1997. They lump it all into the category of “extreme sports”, even though the only sport that should fall under that umbrella is rabid midget throwing. They talk to you like you find it amusing to go to Compton and sit in the middle of the road yelling the N-word in a large, white robe while simultaneously peeing on a photo of Martin Luther King. You aren’t an athlete to them, you’re a goddamn nutbag. They all think that motocross always incorporates tricks, although they prefer to call them stunts, because they are all people who can be categorized by a word that rhymes with “stunts”. (Spoiler alert: it’s “cunts”)

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Watch The Chasing The Storm Trailer Then Go Ride

BRO has been off the radar even more so than usual in the past couple of weeks, I know. Broke the collarbone again last week, which now brings the total to 5 times and twice in the last 3 months. But that’s the cost of being a rugged maniac sometimes. Anyway, this is the trailer to DBK’s new full-length video set to drop this summer. It’s a welcome call back to the motocross videos of the 90s where guys rode their dirt bikes for fun and not to be battle-hardened robot lizards. So watch it, enjoy the tunes and the riding, and then go ride your dirt bike. If you don’t have a dirt bike, get off of this website and don’t come back until you do.

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