I usually say no to dubstep, but it can’t fail all the time. I mean, even the Nazis were right every once in a while. Anyway, this edit reached the “solid” category for me, save for one too many reverse action shots. I did not need the last one.
And yes, I did just compare dubstep to National Socialism.
Super late on this one but just watch it and contact ESPN with a threat or something if they don’t have BQ at X in LA. But, be polite about it so they don’t get too upset. Like “Hey ESPN, thanks for taking my call. Now, I don’t want to be too much of a bother, but if Brett Cue is not in Best Whip, I think I’m probably going to strap C4 to my whole body and come into your offices and whatever happens, happens. But you have a great day.” They cannot say no to that.
Legal Disclaimer: Don’t actually call in a threat to ESPN. That was a joke. You know, one of those things that people take too seriously.
If you’ve been missing all the X-Games stuff like me, then here’s a little gift for you – the only X event that is actually worth watching, in the highest of definitions (if it’s 1984), 240p. If you don’t speak nerd, that basically means that someone took a bunch of photos with a disposable Kodak and stitched them all together into a video. Nonetheless, it’s a series of monster whips for the fans to enjoy.
I will never stop declaring my undying hatred for the fan voting system in Best Whip, although I think Torronteras was one of the best (Pages won it in my opinion). But ESPN views this event as a sideshow, as an opportunity to engage fans while they kick back in their corporate big wig chairs and count stacks of money while they smoke cigars and run their hands up and down their suspenders. Nothing against Hanny or Twitch (Hansen’s whips were right up there in this one), but Best Whip should not be about how many instagram followers you have. That’s what I see, ESPN, that’s what I see. Eazy, out.
Since most interviews suck, I decided to take matters into my own hands, by literally making the whole thing up. This is not really to make fun of anyone, it’s just to amuse people.
What is the major difference between James Stewart and his competitors? That’s right, he rides a Suzuki. But he’s also black. I would never consider myself a racist, but I am an asshole who likes to take certain aspects of a rider’s persona and exploit them for my own amusement. James may be black, but he’s pretty white for a black guy. Sometimes you have to wonder what it would be like if James Africa’d out his life a little bit. This is my (entirely fake) interview with James Stewart if he was a thug-ass gangster:
BRO: James, thanks for taking the time and sitting down with me today
Gangster James: [talking on the phone] Yeah, I’ll meet you on Crenshaw. Hang on, this mark ass cracka is all mean muggin’ me and shit. Yeah son, he about to get clapped up real quick [hangs up phone] Yeah it was a tragedy. Wait what was the question again?
BRO: I haven’t asked you one, James
James: James is my slave name. The hood named me J-Mac.
BRO: Fair enough. J-Mac, what are your expectations coming into Hangtown?
James: Y’all mahfuckas ain’t even know. I’m about that track, and ain’t nobody on my level. I go toe-to-toe with anybody up in that bitch. Fool’s playin’ with some whack KTM and Kawasaki bullshit ’bout to get checked.
BRO: How do you feel on the bike as far as the set-up?
James: Did you not just hear me, Ben Affleck? I’m finna fuck some shit up. You wanna know how we test? I shoot a ni99@ in the face in front of the po-lice. If I get away, the bike is dialed. You see chains? You see a jump suit? I ain’t in Chino. I keeps it one hunnid, naw’m’sayin?
BRO: Your problem for the past few years has been staying off the ground. What are you doing to make sure you finish all 24 motos this year?
James: Listen, I’m hard as fuck. I break more bones in my pimp hand than anything. Bitches gettin’ outta line and shit.
BRO: That could be construed as sexist, J-Mac.
James: You talkin’, bitch? I’ma slap the taste out ya mouf you do that again.
BRO: Message received. So I assume you are not much a fan of WMA then?
James: Fuck is that? Like MDMA? I luh dat shit, always on the thizz game, naw’m’sayin?
BRO: No, WMA – the women’s motocross association. It might be WMX now but who really keeps track?
James: Bitches ain’t shit. Any ho step to me and it’s a hard trip to the ground comin’ right up, naw’m’sayin?
BRO: 10-4. So the class is pretty stacked this year. Who is your biggest competition?
James: Ni99@ I invented the competition. Only mothafucka who can step to me is god, and if he values his cheekbones, I suggest he not. But Villopoto and Dungey, to answer your actual question, sir.
BRO: How is the team around you?
James: All you need to know is I ain’t on a shit-ass bike with a bunch of triflin’ mothafuckas. I’m goin’ hard in the paint.
BRO: I don’t know what that means. So you’re expecting a win?
James: All I do is win and drop heat rocks. My debut album, Scrubbin’ Ain’t Easy, droppin’ in the coming months. One love, bitches.
BRO: Thanks James. And to leave the readers with your everlasting words: One love, bitches.
Not a bad video. Some wild angles and cuts. At points, I felt like I was at Tomorrowland, or having a seizure, or both. But I liked the video, and Webby is shredding harder than ever. I still maintain my claim that he top 5s Hangtown. Public school don’t give a fuck.
Also, what with the song and everything, I felt this was appropriate
Read more
I have not been posting K-Dub’s transfers lately, and that’s on me. I dropped the ball. It happens to the best of us. But what a way to get back into it, in the last two weeks that we will likely EVER see the Windham transfers. Look at the steeze factor, enough to shut down anyone on the track. The necessary turndown is a beautiful thing, especially when performed amidst the cavalcade of buttery style that is Kevin Windham.
Here’s some brain food to gnaw on: Every single one of these transfers is basically do or die, at minimum do or break your face and get internal bleeding or something. There were maybe a few when K-Dub was nursing injuries that were mellow, but for the most part, they are gnarly. Forget about the distance, let’s talk about hitting a giant lip from a skewed angle and landing the same way – case it and your are absolute fucking history, because if the case doesn’t break your ankles, the resulting stop-to-stop swap out is going to make your brain and other vital organs take a time out. And Windham has nailed every fucking one of them. He never rolls them (because he can’t), he just does them. I do not give a shit about results anymore. The BOAT: Baddest Of All Time. Read more
This Doug Henry backflip video hit the net earlier this week, but for some reason it was uploaded to Facebook, presumably in a feeble yet sadistic attempt to make people cut themselves to ease the pain of using the Facebook video player. Luckily, one rogue Samaritan threw it up on the YouTube, so now BRO can give it to the fans.
Doug Henry is tough as shit. Obviously, he’s from New England. Everything we do up there is about being better than the rest of the country. And I know you all are about to argue that your region is better, so I meet you with this question: Where is Doug Henry from? Exactly. We’ll see you all from the top step of the podium at the Bad Ass Motherfucker World Championships. Read more
Pre-race: It’s hard to bet against Roczen in this moto. He comes from Germany, where the tracks either suck (about 95%) or have perfect dirt. Kid is a machine in this stuff.
Holeshot: Tomac. I’m changing my bet.
Lap 2: Roczen is up to 3rd behind Christian Craig, who is looking to prove that he is more than the TLD dude that instagrams a lot of stuff with his chick. He’s ripping right now.
Lap 3: Roczen moved into 2nd and now Sipes is around Craig, too. Sipes also still exists, for your information.
Lap 4: Malcolm had just moved into 7th past Cunningham, but he needed to exfoliate and you cannot put a price on good mud.
Lap 5: Osborne battling with Sipes for 3rd, somehow manages to hit a double from so far inside he was basically on top of the tuff blocks.
Lap 6: Osborne into 3rd, squares up Sipes then shuts him down in the whoops. He’s about that box.
Lap 10: Tomac ovah the bahhhs! #BostonStrong
Lap 10 (cont’d): Ralph just called the back of the bike “the tail section”, like it’s a fucking Boeing. Oh Sheheen, you slay me.
Lap 11: Speaking of the tail section, Tomac’s looks like it thinks it’s better than everyone else. Hey, you think you’re better’n me? You ain’t better’n me. Roczen is now leading, by the way.
Lap 13: Dynamite battle for 5th happening with Sipes, Rattray, and Davalos. Running train on those ruts.
Lap 14: Politelli getting in the mix now for the battle for 5th and Davalos got distracted by something shiny. He hit the ground.
Lap 15: Did I not call Roczen for the win? Granted I wrote this 4 days after the race but you know what, kids? Santa doesn’t exist. So enjoy that knowledge.
Finish: Roczen takes it. The ‘ship is now his to lose.
Before we get started, you all have undoubtedly noticed that this blog has been on hiatus for a while. I stopped because I got bored of it, simple as that. People came calling, and I realized that this is more important than me. The citizens need the Breakdowns. Because on the inside, we are all assholes (scientifically true, to a degree).
Pre-race: It’s raining. No surprise, Seattle is where Jesus goes to cry. Also, the Fox riders are running #Boston butt patches. Cool as fuck, and a phenomenal way to get chicks to try to click your ass.
Holeshot: Barcia gets it and (spoiler alert) that’s the ballgame. Villopoto got pinballed all over the place but Reed was the one who took the nut-kicking of fate in that fiasco.
Lap 2: Dungey’s number plate got into the mini bar at the hotel by the looks of things. He is actually picking his way through the pack, which he normally struggles to do.
Lap 3: Villopoto around Alessi. The crowd goes a little wild, but not as much as Minni for The Dunge. Can’t blame them, you wouldn’t cheer as loud if your child was a ginger.
Lap 4: It’s lap 4/20 on 4/20. The stands have emptied as everyone rushes to the pizza guy.
Lap 5: Villopoto is struggling with the ruts, but so is everyone else so it’s all good. Fish tail steeze for days.
Lap 8: Villopoto is right there, but Barcia’s brain is good at ignoring riders around him and telling insecurity to fuck off.
Lap 10: Considering the ruts on this track, giving a fuck is not a winning strategy. Wide open coming out of the turns and tracking a rut the whole way. NFG.
Lap 12: Vince has his hands full with Weimer, Brayton, Short, and Tickle on the move. Weimer actually came way through the pack in this race but no one has said anything about it.
Lap 14: This is not the race to fuck up your seatbounces. Shorty demonstrates (he saved it, cool your jets).
Lap 16: Barcia and Villopoto are dialed, they’ve lapped into the top 10.
Lap 17: Millsaps discovering the relentless hazards that are lappers stalling in your rut. No worries for him though since he rides a bike like it’s a tricycle that owes him money.
Lap 19: Weimer just moved into 5th. He started somewhere like 13th. Anytime you pass more riders than the number that beat you, you had a good race. Take that to the bank.
Lap 20: I’d say this is Barcia’s to lose, but anyone who has had a race locked up on a rutty track and fallen on the last fucking lap knows not to count those chickens.
Finish: Oh just kidding, Barcia wins it.
