Down The Line Hangtown Preview: 450 Class

stew

From @racerxonline

5 Ryan Dungey – The Dunge obviously has the results to back his game up recently, but that KTM still looks like a looming cloud of hideous uncertainty to me. He was definitely faster on the Suzuki, stamp it.

7 James Stewart – Stew looks way better on the Suzuki. He likes the bike. Like I said, literally could have given him a Yamaha with Suzuki plastics and he would have killed it. I’m calling him for the win, but every time I gamble I lose so we’ll see where we are on Monday.

10 Justin Brayton – How about Brayton? I remember when he was some arenacross joe; now he’s factory and just doing whack-off gestures in your face. I think he’ll be right about where he was in SX, up front in “tier 2″.

11 Kyle Chisholm – Chiz is definitely a better outdoor rider. As vanilla as Ice Ice Baby, but a good rider. JWR BROs are looking for some top 10s. Actually, they’re probably looking for top 5s, but I don’t see many of those in their basket.

18 David Millsaps – Millsaps is the big fish at JGR now. As long as he’s walking with that swagger (and not stopping it), he should be a top 5er.

21 Jake Weimer – Would you consider Weimer to be the marquis rider at Kawi now? Probably, right? He hasn’t won anything on the 450, but Rattray has never ridden one other than MXdN. Put Weimer down for a couple of podiums.

23 Gareth Swanepoel – Did not even know Swanny was riding 450s until just this second. He was the only dude to beat Mitch last year, so he can fucks with the big dogs. And that wasn’t a typo, I wrote “fucks.” Kind of on a Method Man thing right now.

24 Brett Metcalfe – Metty is going to do well because nothing lights a fire under a guy’s ass like being usurped as the focal rider under a tent. He’s also a better outdoor rider anyway. I see some top 3s.

26 Michael Byrne – Byrner was out for all of SX, and he’s on a team that typically struggles like the worst morning after ever. He’s the guy over there, but he needs some factory shit if he’s going to do anything.

27 Nicholas Wey – What I said for Byrne.

28 Tyla Rattray – Rattray’s another question mark for me. His fitness is what is going to get him places, but the guys in this class are generally pretty solid in that category. This isn’t the kid’s table, BRO. Step the speed game up.

29 Andrew Short – Short will probably be pretty solid. I wonder if he has to wrestle with Larry Brooks before every moto like Joelessi did in ’05? That wasn’t uncomfortable or anything.

32 Tommy Hahn – Hahn is kind of a machine outdoors, I’m surprised no one has been saying that. He’s also on the factory Honda. Of course, he’s one of a few candidates who always did way better off a factory bike rather than on one.

33 Josh Grant – I wasn’t really thinking about JG to do anything this year but he crept some good rides in at the end of SX. He was probably the only guy who smoked The Dunge a couple of times in 2010, but that was a while ago (pre-child).

36 Kyle Regal – Regal is also kind of a machine outdoors. Now he’s on a bike that he actually likes. And if worse comes to worst, he can just live off the sugar teen momma. I’ll take it, sandwiches for everyone.

46 Les Smith – Lester The Molester is riding for Langston. He’s golden.

48 Jimmy Albertson – Albertson needs to shake off that horrendous SX season and keep banging his hot wife. She replaced Erin Bates. She’s British. Probably says “lieu” and “torch”. But she’s still hot. Good for you, Jimmy. Oh yeah, and ride well and stuff.

50 Nico Izzi – Guarantee that Izzi lays down top 5 lap times pretty much every practice. He just needs to have fewer children and start putting down motos and he will be a top 5 guy.

52 Ben LaMay – 15th place. Next.

53 Ryan Sipes – Sipes is another dude who is fast as fuck but cannot put together a moto outdoors. He’s also coming off an injury and jumping up to the 450 class. He gets good starts on the 4-fatty, so I’ll give him some holeys and a smile.

59 Vince Friese – Vince might be the poster child of “No Fucks Given”. Fights on the starting line, taking anyone and everyone out, and he’s also privateer now so I would look out if I was everyone else on the track. Or around it.

60 Mathew Lemoine – Lemoine is also jumping up to the 450. His SX season was pretty flacid (yeah, flacid). No boner at all. We’ll see if he can get some people hard on the big bike. To be honest, I’m not expecting much, probably gonna need some help from the blocked sites on my computer.

232 Billy Laninovich – Lano is riding the TLD 450 for a few rounds at least. He’s a boss, but was always better indoors. As long as he’s throwing whips in everyone’s face, he’ll be a winner in my book.

439 Ryan Hughes – Ryno is actually racing. I have no idea where he will be. I swear to you I have been hearing from people that he’ll easily crack the top 10, maybe top 5. No lie. He’s probably meditating on it right now.

800 Mike Alessi – People think Alessi will do way better this year, but I’m not really seeing it. I think people forget that he rode the 450 last year for KTM, not the tree-fiddy. He’ll probably be about the same as he was, but with a black bike. Dock him two positions right there.

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Down The Line Hangtown Preview: 250 Class

1 Dean Wilson – Dean is hurt and couldn’t really give a fuck. He is still going to race and probably still do well, and just shit on everyone’s brain the way Carmichael did when he used to tell people he was sick.

9 Ivan Tedesco – This one was really out of left field. The last time IT rode a 250, he won both championships. He was the “It” guy of the class (wordplay is awesome). But I don’t think he has the energy to handle the young bucks. He’s like Vin Diesel in that babysitter movie – he might be able to handle hardened criminals, but the kids just eat him alive.

12 Blake Baggett – If ever there was a time to step up for Baggett, this is it. Deano’s injured, Durham’s out, and Rattray’s got the big boy pants on. This is like 8 Mile, BRO. It’s your moment. Don’t fuck it up.

17 Eli Tomac – The kid was boss lifestyles every day of the week during the SX season. He also won Hangtown in his first try, clearly living a no fucks given hangover from amateurs. He hasn’t won yet since then.

19 Kyle Cunningham – Cunningham is the fastest guy that no one ever thinks about. He’s like the Luigi of the 250 class – solid player, valuable skills, but every chick is trying to fuck Mario and he knows it. If I was Mitch, I’d have Cunningham on the bike ASAFP.

20 Justin Barcia – After SX, how can you bet against Barcia? Murdered everyone, and he has already got a 450 ride lined up. He’s walking through the pits like his dick swings to the floor and everyone thinks it does.

30 Alex Martin – Martin is a ripper. Very short; if I picture those old guys in Moneyball breaking down riders, that’s all they’d say about him. I hear his younger BRO is faster than him now, too, and that’s tough to overcome. Like you are pretty much sitting with the family dog at dinner.

31 Martin Davalos – Marteen is fast but I know that he has bike problems like Tony has head problems, so it’s all kind of up in the air the way I see it.

37 Malcolm Stewart – He crashed his balls off in SX but that kind of runs in the fam. Outdoors is easier on you in that sense, that you can afford to make more mistakes. I think Malcolm will be a top 10 guy.

38 Marvin Musquin – Everyone is picking Roczen to win for KTM but the last time they raced an outdoor series together, Musquin pretty much handed it to Roczen every time. Just saying…

44 Jason Anderson – Kid’s a ripper. If he harbors no fucks, then he will do well. Simple as that.

49 Justin Bogle – Bogle shreds. He’s got some top 5s in him. I like the kid’s style, and the fact that when you take him out, you get smacked the fuck up. Where’s the slap powder?

51 Travis Baker – The Baker boy is also a ripper. He rocked his dome at Salt Lake so I’m going to give him a round to get his shit together.

57 Jake Canada – He’s the only 250 guy left at MotoConcepts to my knowledge. It must suck to be the only guy under the tent with Mike. If Jake can crack some top 10s, that will be a downright heroic effort.

58 Wil Hahn – You know where Hahn kills it? Starts. Easily the best spot to kill it when you are in a class this stacked. I think he’ll rip a few holeys then settle into 6th or 7th, give or take.

67 Scott Champion – Scott “The Fucking” Champion. His woman is too hot. How can he concentrate on riding? Must have the focus of a samurai. I would seriously just tell her to get lost until after the motos. I’ll make my own goddamn sandwiches. Actually no, make them, then leave.

68 Shane Sewell – How old is Shane Sewell? For real. I was looking at results from 1999 and saw his name (from Indiana, so I assume it’s the same guy). The fuck, BRO? What are you, 40?

70 Ken Roczen – Roczen is pimpin’ pimpin’ these days. He did well in SX considering how many times he rocked his face in 2011, and now we are going outdoors, his element. Serious point though – Ken has a girlfriend now. BRO, you are 17 and a world champion. Complete lapse in judgment, did you learn nothing from Weimer?

93 AJ Catanzaro – You want to know why AJ Cat is going to throw down this year? Because Langston is his team manager. Team Manager of the Year is a mortal lock.

96 Kyle Peters – I really don’t know about Peters. When he started doing well as an amateur I was like “Wait, really?” Then he started doing really well and I was like “Wait, really??” So if the trend continues, he’ll do awesome this year and I’ll be three question-marking that shit.

126 Hunter Hewitt – 10th-15th. His dad owns the team so he don’t give a fuck. Next.

136 Jessy Nelson – I want him to win, just so I can give him a thumbs up and then laugh about it, like a boss.

956 Blake Wharton – Wharton will probably be pretty good. I thought he was all done after getting dumped by Geico but he won a race this year and clearly runs a hairdo that says “I haven’t given a fuck since 1963 and I wasn’t even born yet.”

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10 Things You Always Eat At The Racetrack That You’d Never Eat Anywhere Else

Ever been at the track, jonesing for food, and realized that while you made sure to buy 5 sets of goggles, 4 new tires, and an extra bike just for shits, you did not bring anything that is legitimately edible? Of course you have. Every racer has. Preparedness is for nerds. When it comes down to crunch time, moto BROs are resilient. Here’s a breakdown of the top 10 track foods on race day:

1. Hot Pockets: These little death traps give you third degree burns inside your mouth then immediately cool said burns down. No really though, I’ve never eaten a hot pocket that hasn’t been boiling hot on the outside but still frozen like an ice cube in the middle. What does that little sleeve do anyways? Come on Hot Pocket, get your shit together. A nightmare in a croissant. [note from Eazy: Seriously BRO? It's a widely known fact that hot pockets immediately turn from frozen center to lava hot in a matter of 3 seconds. It's just the luck of the draw.]

2. Microwaved Egg: Yeah, momma BROlo used to do this for us cause we were fancy and shit with our RV. Comes out looking like something from the Chernobyl Diaries but god dammit does it taste like some fine mutated egg.

3. 15 PB&J Sandwiches: Okay, dad went on a bit of a gambling spree one weekend and we couldn’t exactly spring for the fancier moto lifestyle. If you haven’t done this, you’re not a true BRO.

4. The same cold cuts for a year: You have to grow up sometime and mom and dad will eventually stop footing the bill for the races (for most of us). So what’s a true BRO to do? Rape Costco. Turkey and cheese is your favorite sandwich, right? Boom, I’ll take 30lbs of each, please. Sandwiches for the entire race season.

5. Lighter fluid-soaked burger: Remember last weekend when dad threw one of those mini propane tanks across the pits because they only last 6 minutes brand new? Yeah, well he decided to go out and get himself a fancy charcoal grill. Only problem is he’s had 10 BL’s before your second moto and he’s getting hungry. When those little bastards aren’t lighting there’s only one solution: Just fire hose some lighter fluid through the grates and let the whole track know you’re the boss of that grill, even if the food tastes like a gas station.

6. Boiled Hot Dog: We’ve all been there. It’s 6:30 and you’re just about to leave the track when your stomach lurches out a big “Fuck you.” So you visit the resident snack shack and the only edibles left are those same hot dogs that have been in the water pot since 9:00 this morning when the motos started. A man’s gotta eat though so you sack up and muscle that sucker down. You pay for it 30 minutes into your drive when you’re painting the porcelain brown at a local truck stop and some long hauler is carving a fresh glory hole for you two to get down.

7. Dirt: Well yeah, you knew that one was coming. Isn’t there some weird dog disease that people get from eating terrafirma, like from the shit that’s in it. Literally, shit.

8. Nothing: Obviously you’re the next Ricky Carmichael. So you decide instead of eating, you’ll save the money and enter two classes, 125 C and Open C. Just muscle through the Ethiopian-style muscle pains.

9. Denny’s/Applebee’s: You decided to round up the BRO’s and treat yourself to a real meal after taking home the bronze in the Open C like a boss but then you realize you’re stuck in some backwater ass town. Shitty food establishments seem to follow the motocross industry. Wherever there’s a track, there is surely a Denny’s or Applebees to follow. Hey, if it’s good enough for Ricky Bobby, it’s good enough for you. If you ain’t first, you’re last.

10. Other people’s food: Quite possibly one of the riskiest moves in all of moto. I sweat more doing this then a final turn last ditch block pass on the kid who takes medication to stay “balanced” and will probably stab me after the race to win my C moto. Ever stop by your buddy’s rig and no one is there? Well fuck if you didn’t just walk a mile and a half to get there you’re not leaving empty handed. So you scout out what he has, take one last look and then make a sandwich faster then Iron Chef and get the fuck out of there. Eat that shit on the walk back even, just in case he sees you, just say some BRO’s moms gave it to you after she blew you.

[Another note from Eazy: I firmly disagree with the last one. I eat other people's food all the time - track, party, hospital - wherever, whenever.]

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Flashback Fridays With Danny Stu

So I was a little off the ball for Throwback Thursday, but it’s all good, because now we have Flashback Friday. This video was one I did back in 2010 with one of the OGs himself, Travis Steward. I myself am not a fan of whomps on whomps on whomps but Travis did work with this one. I didn’t even know what the term “dubstep” meant when this video was done, had no idea what the hell we were listening to. But it ended up being cool and that’s what it’s all about. So whether you are into the Disco Pogo jam or not, bump the shit out of this video and watch the rippers hop around this course. Southwick is always a good watch with the whooped out sand and natural hills. The go big or go home mentality of these racers has them thinking one thing: Full throttle or no throttle. [ed. note: Is Danny Stu just bad-assing the fuck out of us with that line or what?]

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Jessy Nelson Going BRO At Hangtown, NFG

It has been floating around all week that Jessy Nelson would be skipping LL and doing the Barcia/Tomac and just showing up at Hangtown. Now it is o-fucking-fficial and I must say, I am intrigued. This kid has been on my radar since Loretta’s ’05 when he pretty much destroyed everyone in the 7-11 class, not unlike the way Mexican people destroy the taquitos at a real 7-11 like it’s a buffet. But then coming in to ’06 the dude lost his thumb (joe) and was all bent out of shape about it. Eventually he was all “Fuck thumbs” and got everything together again and now he is a certified ripper. Everyone has been telling me that he’s hauling the mail at the Cali tracks on the regular, so it will be interesting to see how he fares at H-town. I’m calling a definite top 15, with potential for a top 10 if he continues to not give a fuck, which a lot of riders have an issue with coming out of the amateurs.

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BRO Top 5: Drinking Games Of The Outdoors That Will Get You Hammered

Holeshot BeerBefore SX, we gave you the top 5 Drinking Games. Now it’s time to go outdoors, and get drunk all over again.

1. Drink when Dungey or Stewart win. Drinking Frequency: 24 times per season. Drink of Choice: Champagne. This is a gimme, a fail-safe. It’s a game that ensures that you will be drinking, and that is pretty much all that we want here. Will it definitely be 24? Maybe, only time will tell. 20+ though, take that to the bank.

2. Drink every time you see a replacement rider. Drinking Frequency: 4-5 times per race. Drink of Choice: Kamikazes. After running through the gauntlet of Supercross, a lot of guys cannot say they made it out the other side. And some guys just say “Fuck nationals” and contract Epstein-Barr. Regardless, teams need the sponsorship dollars coming in, so it’s time to sort through the bargain bin and grab a rider who is just going to go for it, no fucks given.

3. Drink when someone asks where Villopoto or Reed is. Drinking Frequency: 5 times per race. Drink of Choice: Whiskey. If you’ve never been to a national, let me break something down for you: The average fan is a complete fucking moron. That’s all there is to it. Like, how in this day of technology, when you can literally find out with the click of a button what a rider’s shit looks like on a daily basis (soft-serve ice cream today, thank you) can someone be so ignorant. Drink whiskey, it’s an angry beverage. Then punch that asshole in the face.

4. Just drink at Red Bud. Drinking Frequency: A lot. Drink of Choice: Bud Light. There are two reasons to not drink at Red Bud – 1) Your throat is bleeding because you yelled “Red Buuuud” too often, or 2) You are in a state of exhaustion from drinking so much. Actually in either case, drinking more will probably remedy the situation.

5. Drink when Random Hero complains about the track. Drinking Frequency: 10 times per race. Drink of Choice: W[h]ine. All too often at Nationals, random hero shows his ugly face and expects to win. The ugly truth, unfortunately, is that he sucks. He rode a highway track at home and put down some laps, and thinks he’s got it; time to go get famous. But when he gets off practice and is sitting pretty with a solid 60th, he knows where to point fingers.

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Fuck Yeah: Freestyle Of Nations Is Official


From ESPN – On Wednesday the Fédération Internationale de Motocyclisme (FIM) and the International Freestyle Motocross Federation (IFMXF) announced a three-year extension of their partnership with event promoter SportPlus[...]to introduce a new event, the FIM Freestyle of Nations, debuting in 2013. “Freestyle Motocross is a very entertaining and exciting discipline combining the show element with top sport,” said FIM CEO Stéphane Desprez, in a statement on Wednesday. “The riders work hard and step up their performances with every event. Sportplus gives them the perfect showcase to battle it out for the FIM Freestyle Motocross World Championship. Creating a Freestyle of Nations event will certainly be a boost for the sport.”

You mark my words: this event will be without question the most epic freestyle moto event ever, and it will have nothing to do with the guys on the top of the board. I’m talking about team China, team Mozambique, team Sri Lanka, all throwing down everything they’ve got. If you thought the B-final at MXdN was entertaining, wait until you see the B-final at FMXdN. And they better have to ride the same course as everyone else. In that case, the first practice will be one for the books. There will be so many great videos, YouTube will melt down when they hit the web. Like, people thought there was a dead body problem at the Mexican GP, but they haven’t seen shit. Bodies everywhere, you won’t be able to sweep them off the course fast enough. Honestly, if China is not going to attend the event, I will boycott it right alongside them. Sometimes, you just have to stand up for your principles, and call me a dreamer, but I believe there should be hilariously terrible teams at the FMXdN.

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Rate That Scrub

Valentin TeilletTo be honest, I had never heard of this Teillet kid until about two months ago, but clearly he throws down. I think every photo I’ve ever seen of this dude has been at least a 1 out of 2 on the scrub rating. Fuckable scrubs every day of the week.

Obviously this photo does not lend itself so well to a rating. A key element in rating a scrub is seeing the lip of the jump; the lip says a lot about a scrub’s character. To really understand what a scrub is, you have to understand where it comes from. We do not enjoy that privilege in this photo. This looks like a downhill hit, reminds me of the old parastyle jump at the LA Coliseum. And we all know on a downhill jump, the scrub is all about commitment. And not giving a fuck. Something tells me this Teillet kid does not. 2/2. This is the type of scrub that you take home to your parents’ house and your dad secretly gives you high fives for being his favorite child.

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This Guy Hasn’t Given A Fuck Since The Turban Fell Off

Laying on the seat, steering with the forks. Gettin’ Arab money. NFG.

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Supercross For Assholes: 2012 450 Review Pt.2

Ryan Villopoto

Like a boss

Mid-season: Ok, this Stewart thing is not really working out, and now Reed and Dungey are out. But the second part of the series has got to come on strong, right? Right??

Daytona: Who ordered the mud? Of course at the gnarliest race of the year, Stewart crushes everyone. Probably because he was so busy riding in that shithole that he didn’t have time to think “Don’tfalldon’tfalldon’tfalldon’tfall. Fuck, I fell.” Villopoto also managed to bust out the Joey fall of the year, like a boss. Millsaps and Windham crept onto the podium.

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 221
  2. Ryan Dungey – 192
  3. James Stewart – 177
  4. Kevin Windham – 143
  5. Jake Weimer – 134

Indianapolis: Stewart bit the dust in the heat race and didn’t even make it down for the LCQ (that’s standard). Mike Alessi actually led this one for a little while; when the top guys are out, it’s his time to shine. Unfortunately this was one of those tracks with a whoops section and he got 6th. Villopoto was back up front and it’s pretty obvious at this point in the season that it’s a wrap.

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 246
  2. Ryan Dungey – 192
  3. James Stewart – 177
  4. Davi Millsaps – 151
  5. Kevin Windham – 146

Toronto: Villopoto smoked everyone. It was in Canada. You get the picture.

(You know it’s a rager of a season when 2 of the top 3 riders in the points aren’t even racing.)

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 271
  2. Ryan Dungey – 192
  3. James Stewart – 177
  4. Davi Millsaps – 169
  5. Kevin Windham – 166

Houston: Villopoto actually clinched the title at this round, with 4 races left to go. Stewart returned and cleaned the fuck out of Kyle Regal before turning his dark magic (no pun intended) to himself and crashing the fuck out of that Yamaha. Millsaps got sick of giving a fuck and put the JGR bike on the podium again.

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 296
  2. Ryan Dungey – 192
  3. Davi Millsaps – 191
  4. Justin Brayton – 181 (whoa, where did he come from?)
  5. James Stewart – 178

New Orleans: Villopoto won. Again. In the out of nowhere ride of the year, Grant comes in hot to take 2nd and remind people that he used to hand it to pretty much everyone on the track, the operative term there being “used to”. Still a ripper, though. Joelessi took himself out of third with a few laps to go and gave it to Brayton.

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 321
  2. Davi Millsaps – 206
  3. Justin Brayton – 201
  4. Ryan Dungey – 192
  5. James Stewart – 178

Seattle: Villopoto’s knee decided to be a whiny little bitch and kill itself. The Dunge was back for this one but not in true form, he even let Hitler Youth beat him. Roczen was 350 cruising behind Shorty all moto. Good race, Short was not giving it to the kid (“giving it” to kids is generally a recipe for trouble, ask Chris Hansen). [I don't actually think Roczen is a Nazi, but you can't deny that he is a Hitler wet dream come to life. That kid is as Aryan as it gets]

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 323
  2. Davi Millsaps – 222
  3. Justin Brayton – 219
  4. Ryan Dungey – 207
  5. Jake Weimer – 191

Salt Lake City: The “penultimate round”, as Ralph would remind us 1,000 times (he loves to keep it fresh). Villopoto is out for the season now (wow, really??). The Dunge came out in full force, after getting taken out by Weimer like a boss, he came back and passed him and Millsaps to win it, no fucks given (have I said that yet?).

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 323
  2. Davi Millsaps – 244
  3. Justin Brayton – 237
  4. Ryan Dungey – 232
  5. Jake Weimer – 211

Las Vegas: This one just happened so not much needs to be said. The Dunge crushed everyone on the course then crushed mad brews at the bar afterwards like a KTM champion (3rd place). Millsaps took 2nd and sewed up 2nd in the championship (NFG), Brayton grabbed 3rd.

  1. Ryan Villopoto – 323
  2. Davi Millsaps – 266
  3. Ryan Dungey – 257
  4. Justin Brayton – 257
  5. Jake Weimer – 229

Real talk: when was the last time Suzuki was the only brand not represented in the top 5? Suzuki bullshit. And I ride one so I can say that.

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